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Everything posted by BK99

  1. Day 57 - I feel like complete and utter crap today. I barely had any energy to shower. I told my husband this morning that “maybe I just need to be on stimulants for the rest of my life like our friend Nancy”. After I said this, I felt sick and started to reflect about the worst days of my addiction. I felt ashamed. On days where I was running on little sleep, I definitely had stimulant induced schizophrenia. It’s not something I really like to bring up but it helps me not want to return to the drugs. I never talk about this psychological effect because it’s embarrassing. There were days when I felt a cult was after me because every person I was meeting in real life was from or lived in Ohio (I live in the Northeast). I believe it was just a crazy coincidence but it sent my brain into a frightening, dark overdrive. Any time I saw anything related to Ohio in real life, I thought people were after me. This is just one example that is depressing to think about. I am thankful for the people who have contributed to this thread so far.
  2. Sean, I know you don’t mean to be discouraging. How long did you relapse for. Didn’t you make a post recently about this?
  3. TLNJ2, Thank you for the positive message. It made me feel a little bit better. Sean, I’m sorry the journey is still rough after almost 2 years. I fear the same.
  4. Day 56 - I’m officially 8 weeks clean from this drug. I just exercised for an hour, but now I feel useless. I have NO energy and will probably stay in bed for the rest of the day watching TV. I’m starting to grow tired of being tired and having no energy. I keep reading posts about people being over one year clean and still feeling like sh*#. This scares me, discourages me, and makes me feel hopeless. Bleh
  5. Day 54 - I’ve been finding Monday mornings to be the hardest transition. I was so used to popping a pill to get me motivated and going each morning. I always made sure I had pills on Monday. I’m inching closer to beating my first attempt at quitting Adderall. I made it to 100 days last year, but it came with some terrible consequences. I gained 40+ pounds because I was extremely depressed (from my father dying and the drugs..double whammy). I wasn’t doing anything at that time to better myself because I was too busy taking care of my beloved dad who I KNOW would be so proud of me for attempting this again. This time around I’ve only gained a few pounds because I’ve been working my ass off at the gym and jogging. I’m also trying to eat healthier, but food is a weakness. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only “treat” I have left. I hope everyone has a good week. We can do this.
  6. Day 52 - Today I feel as though I’ve been hit by a truck. Last night, I experienced an hour where I felt like a normal person with natural energy. It was short-lived, but I feel as though this little “peephole” will widen as the days go on if I stay off the drugs.
  7. Moving cities

    I am also a musician. I sang in my first open mic last year. It was terrifying!! I’ve been playing piano and drums every day. It’s one of the only things I can focus on for 10 minutes at a time without the addies. I’m hoping to get back in the open mic scene this year! What do you think made you relapse after 18 months?
  8. Kimber, Thank you for the uplifting response. I’ve been trying to give myself a huge break on everything, but some days, like today, that VOICE in my head is so loud.
  9. Day 49 - PAWS sucks. I can barely keep my eyes open this morning. I’m awake but feeling sluggish as hell. I miss the instant boost from Adderall. All I feel right now is a heavy fog while walking on the treadmill. My house is an absolute mess and I have no energy to clean it. This bothers me..baah
  10. I’m curious how you have all dealt with friendships and relationships during recovery. I am currently 46 days clean. During my first week of withdrawals, one of my best friends completely cut me off without explanation. I believe it is due to the fact that I lashed out at him about money he owed me. (Lesson learned: I’ll never loan out money again.) Lashing out was completely out of character for me and I’ve apologized for it since. What I didn’t do is tell him why I believe it happened. I was a basket case that first week off of Adderall. This is a drug I’ve been prescribed for many years. After 45 days of reflection, I’m ashamed of how I behaved in this manner. Should I explain this? ...or just let it go? I’m just curious how you have all dealt with these out of character scenarios that are similar to mine. How open are you about the recovery process?
  11. Thank you, Eric. I needed to hear this today! I tried quitting last year and made it to about 100 days, but I couldn’t have picked a crappier time. My father fell seriously ill and passed away during that time. I gained 40+ pounds then due to depression and withdrawals. I ended up back on amps for 11 months and here I am now hoping it will be different this second time around..
  12. Hi DC, I am in this right there with you. Our situation seems pretty similar. While driving this morning, I broke down because of the PAWS. The anhedonia is absolutely crippling right now. I feel heartbroken that my love for playing music is absent since coming off the drugs (I sing, play piano and drums). I guess I need to vent about it. I am so scared that the worst is still yet to come. Good job on 60 days. That is NO small feat. How has your wife been? I hope she’s been supporting your journey through this hell that we are facing. People have no idea what it’s like to come off amphetamines when you’ve been on them for a decade. I gave up alcohol two years ago, and it doesn’t even COMPARE to this hell. I own my own business and it’s really taking a hit right now, but my focus is on getting better. I’d rather be broke if it meant feeling better than I do now. Most days it is too exhausting to even sit upright in a chair to do work. The only thing I am able to complete is going to the gym an hour each day, and even that is excruciating. The days have been going by so slow since coming off the drugs. I have tried seeing therapists, but they haven’t been much help. I feel very alone in this battle most days. I am hoping to make a friend or two myself. Today has been one of my worst days and I am so scared of the days ahead.
  13. Day 47..yawning all morning..no energy..I want my mommy. This will probably turn into my diary lol
  14. Committed to quitting adderall today

    I wonder how your friend was able to obtain multiple prescriptions. Pharmacies have systems that can track this action down right away. Good luck in your recovery. You were taking what we would call a “baby dose” each day of Adderall. It’s probably a good thing you’re quitting now. You can do it!
  15. Frank, $200. I loaned it back in September.
  16. On day 45 and I’m feeling more depressed than I can ever remember. The depression that comes with the crash of Adderall at the end of the day doesn’t even compare to this. Have any of you experienced this? My pdoc put me on WellButrin 300 about a month ago, and I don’t think it’s helping. Tell me there’s a light somewhere because I feel just as bad now as I did during the first week of withdrawals.
  17. Thanks, Drew. The running is going well. I’m on week 3 of the couch to 5K program. I finished the program once a few years ago, but I was on my stimulants. *eye roll* Positives? My blood pressure is in the normal range every day. (This was not the case when I was on Adderall.) I’m going to bed and waking up at normal human times. I can’t think of many other positives at the moment...
  18. Today marks 40 days clean and boy do I miss my Adderall and Vyvanse. I could barely muster the energy to get to the gym this morning. The scale keeps going up and I’m NOT overeating. I just showered and I cringe at the thought of getting ready to go out tonight. I have no energy. I’m feeling really defeated today. Sigh...
  19. Lizzie, I wish I was that far along! I’m only at about 35 days. Getting to a year seems so daunting and at times, impossible. The holidays completely wore me out. I woke up sick today and haven’t moved out of bed. John, I was on Vyvanse 60mg with an Adderall 20mg booster in the afternoon.
  20. Frank, I know what you mean about being in awe of everyone not on Adderall. I’ve had many moments of envy seeing people accomplish great things without Adderall. Looking at me, you’d never know that I’ve been living in this hell for a few years now...where the drugs got me out of bed, but I definitely wasn’t accomplishing the things I did in the first 5-6 years of being on meds. I will definitely come here if I want to seek out a script. It’s a damn good thing Adderall is a little difficult to obtain. If it wasn’t, I probably would have failed by now. My main focus is trying to be kind to myself. My husband had been a great support to me...talks about it with me daily. I think this forum will be a plus in the support department. Drew, I have been trying to set little goals for myself - even as small as getting one load of laundry done and folded. I just really hope things look up a few months from now. The fact that I have been on the drugs for nearly a decade makes me freak out about the uphill battle that has only just begun...
  21. Non-physical reasons - I was constantly sick of “waiting for that next prescription”. Every month, I would have 4 or 5 days where I had to be a useless lump in bed because I had no pills left. I could literally do nothing but watch Netflix and use the bathroom. I totally get what you mean about sacrificing your physical health. I’ve already had those thoughts because I miss being able to accomplish things on Adderall. I’ve had those moments where I don’t care about my heart. And let’s face it - the weight gain that accompanies Adderall withdrawal sucks hard...really hard. I’m tired of being a slave to these pills, and obsessively rationing out which days I need the pills to get by. I’m sick of being treated like a drug addict every time I go to the pharmacy because I take ADHD drugs. I’ve longed for the day I can live life and get out of bed without popping a pill. What about you? What are your non-physical reasons? What did you do in the early months to function and get in the right mindset?
  22. Couch to 5k

    I’m 30 days off Adderall and about to finish week 2 of the Couch to 5K myself! It’s a great program. I completed the program a few years ago on Adderall. I’m hoping to do the same off the drugs!!