BK99

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Everything posted by BK99

  1. I’m new here. I’ve been taking Adderall and Vyvanse religiously for almost all of the past decade. I recently had an EKG that showed a few abnormalities in my heart that I hope are reversible. Bottom line: It scared me straight and I want off of these drugs. Also..I’m 32 and don’t want to be one of those people still popping amphetamines at age 50. It’s now been 30 days since I took my last pill. My blood pressure has dropped to the “normal” range. It was sky high when taking adderall. My blood pressure might be normal, but my energy is absolute crap. I’ve tried quitting one other time in the past decade. I made it to the 3 month mark before seeking out another doc for my ADD prescriptions. This month has been complete hell. Every little task is a massive chore. I’ve managed to get to the gym 4-5 times a week and just started the Couch to 5K program. The gym is about the only thing I have the energy for. I would love to hear others who are in a similar situation to mine. I need support in a bad way. Getting off of amphetamines is absolute hell when you’ve been on them for nearly a decade.
  2. 311 days off of Adderall.. My depression doesn’t seem to be getting better so I have an appointment with a therapist next week. What medications have you used post Adderall that worked for depression? I’d like to have some sort of plan going in so I don’t ask for Adderall. I tried WellButrin for a month earlier this year and didn’t really like it.
  3. Day 331 - I have an appointment less than a week away with the doctor. If you asked me yesterday if I’d be tempted to take an Adderall script from him, the answer would be absolutely. Today I’ve done a 180. Just the thought of going back on stimulants is causing massive panic attacks today. My heart can’t handle it - literally and figuratively. It’s amazing how much your mindset can change in one day. I hope I keep this mindset in the week ahead...
  4. Day 330 - I am so far down, I don’t even know where to start today. I saw a new therapist this week and it made me feel 100x worse. I never seem to have luck finding one that agrees with me. At one point during the session, the therapist asked if I thought I needed to be hospitalized because my depression is so severe. Da fuck?! This is why we have such a stigma with mental health. Let’s just throw her in the hospital because she is too far gone at this point. Someone else can deal with her. I walked out of that room feeling so defeated and deflated. I regret opening up so much. I’m going to go for another session, but I’m not feeling great about it. At this point in my mental health journey, I wonder if going back on meds would be better. I’d rather be a little crazy and functioning than bedridden, fat and depressed all the time. If anyone feels like messaging me to support me at this time, that would be great. I am struggling now more than ever..especially after the therapy session I had this week. What a mindf*ck.
  5. Three Years Free

    Needed this today. I’m 11 months in and I want to go back on Adderall. Thank you.
  6. @PP37 Thank you so much. I hope you give your boyfriend props on a daily basis because this can be such an incredibly hard, lonely and isolating fight. I’m coming up on the year mark, and you’re right, I thought I’d feel a little better by now. Thank you for your support. Whenever I get a message/reply like yours, it makes me feel really good.
  7. Day 322 - Looking forward to seeing my new doctor in 2 weeks. I have no idea what she will be like. I just want to feel better, because right now I feel like hell...
  8. Day 317 - It’s been awhile since my last post. I’m not doing well. I’ve been so depressed since coming off Adderall, like nothing I’ve ever felt before...and it just hasn’t gotten better. I’m sorry to those who have turned to me for hope. It’s been almost a year and I haven’t found the light. I started the process in getting help. I fear it’s going to end up in getting scripts for ADD. I feel like I’m on the verge of failure. Pray for me.
  9. Day 307 - I thought about calling up my insurance today to get a new list of psychiatrists, but I was too tired. Hoping this rough patch goes away soon.. @m34 I like the 10 day analogy. I will have to try that.
  10. @Doge What happened when you relapsed around this mark? I mean exact details. I feel that knowing this might help me not seek out another doc. @Emily Thank you for the kind words. I’m trying, but I haven’t relapsed yet. I feel I’m in a very dark place right now...probably the darkest time since Day 1. I need all the encouragement right now.
  11. Day 302 - I had some really lousy thoughts this morning. I feel I’m too weak to conquer this. I was thinking I would start looking for a new doctor soon because I’m sick of waking up every morning feeling so low.
  12. Day 300 - Not much to report today other than the usual exhaustion. Just wanted to say I made it to day 300.
  13. @DrewK15 It’s just so frustrating because I’m not drinking or doing any other drugs and I feel this way. The success rate of successfully quitting and staying off this drug must be very small, because I can’t believe I still feel this shitty.
  14. Day 298 - I feel like I’m at wit’s end and need to find a new doctor to prescribe me drugs. I had so much I needed to do this weekend that didn’t happen because I have no energy to do anything. I just changed the cat litter. Now I’m back in bed when I have a hundred other things to do. My husband is tired of seeing me in bed all the time watching TV. I’ve grown tired of this and I’m thinking I need the artificial help. I’m starting to not care about what the outcome will be. I’m beyond frustrated at this point. Sorry so negative. It’s just how I’m feeling most days. I hate this.
  15. Day 296 - Happy Friday. This has been a very tough week energy wise for me, but I’m still chugging along without popping Addies. I’ve had at least 3 nightmares about Adderall this week. They definitely make me crave the drug more. Meh..
  16. Day 295 - Good God, mornings are so tough. I was always a morning person on Adderall. Before Adderall, I got spurts of energy later in the day, rarely in the morning. I need to remind myself of this. Over. And. Over. Again.
  17. Day 293 - I woke up with a little more energy today than I did yesterday, but that’s not saying much.. Getting a little annoyed with the Vyvanse ads on Facebook. This is the third day in a row Facebook has advertised amphetamine medications to an addict. I mean..Really?!
  18. Day 292 - My dad would always say “God grant me the strength to face the coming days.” This line resonates with me now more than ever. I’m beginning the first full week at school and I had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning. So exhausted.. I think I need to find a new therapist, but I’m not sure I want the possibility of getting an Adderall script to come up. I’m weak, and I know I’d accept it. This is why I’ve been holding off getting help for my depression/PAWS...
  19. Day 291 - Today was a difficult day. I thought all day about getting back on Adderall because I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I know if I went back on it, that would be it. I couldn’t start this recovery process again. It’s been almost a year and I still feel like I did in month 2. I feel so far down. Just getting very frustrated at this point...
  20. Day 289 - Barely got through this week. I’m feeling depleted and defeated. I will probably sleep all weekend because I don’t have the energy to do anything else.
  21. Day 286 - I am starting week 2 of my job today. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: for me, getting up and just showering is the hardest part of this process. I always needed Adderall just to get out of bed for pretty much the last 5 years I was on it. I have been having trouble with alcohol lately, but I’m going for a long stretch this time without it. I can’t afford to be hungover wasting my days anymore, especially when I don’t have Adderall to mask it and bring me back up. I am also trying hard to take a multivitamin every day because I can tell it helps me get through the days. Very small, but definitely helps my fog a bit. Gotta stay positive this week. It’s all I can do...
  22. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    Today was a huge trigger for me. So crazy you posted about this right now. The last time I was in the classroom teaching I had Adderall. Today was the first day EVER that I’ve been teaching in a classroom without it. I wasn’t expecting the trigger, but it sucks...
  23. Day 280 - Today was HARD. Luckily, I am only working part-time, but the entire day was a trigger. All I felt was an extreme need for something I’ve leaned on in my career for the past 10 years - Adderall. I wasn’t prepared for this. Today was a huge, HUGE trigger for me. I almost went into full blown panic at one point not having Adderall. The whole day was sort of an overwhelming fog...
  24. Day 279 - Tomorrow will be the first day I enter a school as an employee where I won’t have Adderall as my private little push aid. I’m terrified. The job I had over the summer as a theme park ride attendant was only physically demanding. Being an educator is physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding. The only abnormal blood work I had was high cholesterol. I guess I should count my blessings, but it’s tough not getting answers for my lethargy. I know it’s probably a combination of PAWS and depression. Fall is my favorite season. I will be one year clean on Thanksgiving. Looking forward to having a year under my belt..
  25. Day 277 - To the person who said somewhere that it took 11 months in bed to feel normal again, you’re the person giving me hope today. I hope I feel better in month 11 than I do right now, which is a little past the 9 month mark. I have been craving amphetamines like a crazy person this week. I miss them. Everything is draining me... I know life was hectic on pills, but life feels damn near impossible without them. I’m laying in bed right now having a mini breakdown. I start a new job this week that really requires focus, and all I can think of is how I want Adderall. I need a few prayers today, people. I know I sound like a broken record with all of my negative posts, but I don’t like to sugar coat things. I hate that I still feel this way...