TLDR- I gave up alcohol 15 months ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Now I'm trying to adjust to the idea of giving up my Vyvanse. Something tells me life can be so much better off it. But I'm also terrified of a life without it.
I don't really know where to start but to tell you that being here, writing this right now, feels like deja-vu. Deja-vu because about a year and a half ago I sat down to write an introduction after joining a private support group, and spilled my guts about a deep down secret that I hadn't told anyone about before - That alcohol was secretly destroying me, controlling me, killing me, while I kept my external world looking perfectly fine. And that I needed help and support to quit, but really didn't think I ever could actually quit- or that life would be worth it.
Today I sit here 15 months sober from alcohol, knowing at my core that giving up drinking was the best decision I ever made- realizing how truly lucky I am - to have realized that I don't have to drink. And realizing how much I have grown and changed in the best way over the past year and a half.
So today I find myself in a similar position. Sitting at my computer, once again, and finally telling someone that this substance is no longer serving me- its getting more and more uncomfortable. And the discomfort is all too familiar to that insidious feeling that started with alcohol. That it's slowly becoming more and more of something I depend on. Something I have come to believe I cannot function without. But at the same time, something that seems to be numbing me at a soul level, and empty inside. My deepest fear - that if I go off it I will never truly be happy, or productive, again. Because I don't know who I am without it - as a 25 year old that has taken these drugs since I was 17, I'm terrified of meeting my unmedicated self.
Looking at those beliefs and fears, I realize they are the exact fears I had around giving up alcohol- that if i gave up the substance, I would also give up my life, my happiness, my control, my self. But in reality- everything that I thought this substance would give me, sobriety delivered in ways that were even better.
So, I guess I'm here because there's a little glimmer of hope for freedom. I graduate from nursing school with my BSN in March, and promised myself I would finally ditch the pills after I graduated. But getting closer and closer to that day, I am realizing this is going to be a harder "break-up" than I thought.
But maybe, just maybe life without vyvanse won't be absolutely miserable. Maybe, just like when I quit drinking, life will get so much better that I even expected. Not easier. Not perfect. Not even free of pain or discomfort. But real. And FREE. So, in a way I've been here before (when I broke up with booze). But also, in a way I have never been here before-I'm terrified and still adjusting to even the idea of life without my meds.
Thank you for reading if you made it this far. If I've learned anything, it's that I'm not supposed to do this thing alone, and groups like this can be an incredible source of strength.