DC011381

Hi Nkl and everyone, I felt exactly exactly exactly how you are feeling right now during the first months of recovery. It's so fucking scary. My stories are in here I haven't been on the forum in maybe a year or more but feel compelled to check in here. First of all, this site/this forum played an extremely positive role in my recovery. I say on this thing everyday reading every word while sitting in my PAWS at the lowest of the low. I just past my 4 year mark since my Adderall induced breakdown that landed me in the mental hospital and forced the end of my use on the spot. 4 years and I don't even remember or celebrate the exact date of my psychotic episode aka anniversary. This happened was 37 at the time with a wife a 4 and 2 year old. And thank God thank God thank God I am now 41 and am living a NORMAL/ healthy(healthy/enough!!!!!) With the same family. I sat in the penalty box for an entire year, Nkl. I know that is super scary to hear I swear I felt the same way even when I studied quitting before I was forced to quit. It prevented me from considering opening up about my addiction. One year I did almost nothing but at least shared domestic/family with my working wife. This is what I did without working I sat there for one year I couldnt do a fucking thing. And that was the worst it ever was it never gets worse then what you are sitting in now. BUT IT DOES GET BETTER!!!! It does... And having gone through it actually makes dealing with other shit less intimidating because I promise it does not get worse. But it does get better. I am working. I am not killing it and I am not the big biz man or whatever that I wanted to be and what drove my usage personally. But I could hold an adult job and have now for 3 years - after unemployed and sitting there doing absolutely nothing for one year. My family life is repaired. 1 year of absolute fuckery for an hopefully like 40 years. Everything is not perfect nor should it be. I deal with a lot of shit like lack of motivation ect that drove me to use and eventually abuse. I woke up out of speed addiction without knowing what my things are (identity) - like should I play tennis once a week is that my thing . I have a lot of challenges with emotional control with my kids. But like all under the umbrella of normal. I also have my natural extroverted personality back. I once again proactively reach out to friends and make plans ect. I lost all that in PAWS - lost my entire personality. It's back. It's not perfect but I am really really really fucking grateful.

@dolssa I can relate to everything you are going through. At my 1 year clean mark, I still had 0 motivation and my executive functioning skills were nowhere to be found. While things improved in year 2, it personally me two years to start to feel like I can accomplish things. I am 40 years old with a wife and 2 small children and can say that after 2.5 years, I feel like I've made real progress. More laughing, decreasing anadonhia, executive functioning returning to pre adderall levels - I am not superman but I can generally "adult" reasonably well. It's worth sitting in the shit for another year - don't beat yourself up about doing nothing. Its worth it.

I am on the same train! I am 23 months and on the same train. It is worth it, things get so much better - life is not perfect but that is ok. Still anhedonic and not sure what I like to do for fun but I am working and social and happy. I still get aggrevated too quickly and intensely but my relationship with my children is so much better - I feel joy with them! I hope year 3 is even better but it's already so worth it!

@sweetupbaaby. That fatigue and getting rid of it is just a function of time. Time, time, time for your adrenal glands to get back to baseline - it takes awhile but not in the grand scheme of life - u have to believe in time and there are hundreds on here like me who can attest that there is a reward for waiting - I know it sucks so bad in the meantime - it sucks so bad and the fact that you are going to work is amazing. I did nothing for an entire year and I was 38 with wife and 2 kids and a standard of living that is costly.

@sweetupbaaby. You are not alone and you can totally do this! Recovery is really fucking hard. Dealing with the intensity of the shit is def worth it because overtime you will heal. I can't tell you how low and scared I was. And now I am functioning at a reasonable level. I had really intense suicidal ideation but it is currently completely gone and I don't feel close to that edge in any way. I have a good job that I enjoy and am good at it - still totally learning things that most professionals work through in 20s and 30s :). My family life is stable and I am starting to feel joy from my kids. But I am still not perfect - I struggle with weed/alcohol/diet and at the moment excercise. I am not perfect, never was and hopefully I can address these things more when i am ready. But thankfully, I dont have any Adderall around nor do I have easy access and thankfully/luckily no real Adderall cravings. I know the other stuff really slows down brain healing but this is where I am at the moment.

Hang in there dolssa - it WILL get better. At 6 months I didn't feel a wink better - full throttle depression and complete loss of executive functioning skills... At 1 year 6 months I am working productively and my depression is so so so much less intense. The anhedonia is loosening up a little but I am still dealing with it. Because I just need more time for the one

I def lost my wit big-time and wit is a big part of my identity. It sucks and I am not going to lie - it takes a hot minute to get it back - but it DOES come back. The only thing to do is buckle up and hold on and know it's going to really suck for a good amount of time. But there is hope things better things change.

I would be interesting in joining as well. Problem is I am quarantining with my wife 2 kids and in-laws and this is something I would want total privacy to do comfortably. Please include in the invite and I will try my best... For anyone writing on the 12 step/letter writing thread - this sounds like the start of something

@HairsprayQueen. My Irritability was EXTREME in early recovery and, while improving, is still an issue. I share a 1200 sf apartment with a 5 and 4 year who were 4 and 3 during early recovery. The level of my irritability was awful and scary. I handled the first 3 weeks of quarantine with working and homeschool/24-7 childcare reasonably well but an starting to slip where the irritability is intensifying again. I am trying to control it and use CBT skills but failing for the most part.

Yes I was prescribed for 10 years - my story arch very similar to many... First 5 years was amazing and life changing for the better - I would say next 2 years a plataue and when I first starting taking more. I would say after 7 years I was totally addicted and started to see personality change for the worst. Around 6 months before being admitted I started to feel manic and noticed I couldn't really "come down" from it. At this point I was abusing uncontrollably until I started getting paranoid and couldn't hide my personality change from friends and family and was over the top awful to my wife. I was prescribed 10 mgs which is why it took so long for me to cross the line into disaster. At the end I was taking 30-40 mgs which may be some prescribed dose but 3x plus from i was prescribed which is mega abuse. I am now around 16 months clean - year 1 I couldn't get off the couch - finally got a job after year 1 and now I am able to muddle through but still recovering.

My intervention was in the form of being admitted to the psych ward for 7 days with amphetamine induced psychosis

Hey Aurora hang in there. I had such intense suicidal ideation in early recovery BUT IT GOES AWAY, I promise. I wouldn't have believed that if someone told me but with time it gets better! Dig in and with time things get better...

Beautifully written. I am with you every step of the way - the intensity and timeline of your recovery matches mine to a T. As you already know from the forums - for long term users like ourselves, recovery takes at least 2 years. Life expectancy is like 85 so we have another 40 plus years! Two years is a no brainier trade-off and the hardest part is behind us. I am 15 months into recovery and going back to work finally starting this Monday. I have a wife and 2 kids and recovery put me out of work for 15 months. Am I "excited" about it - no, because I still suffer from anhedonia - but it's intensity has significantly decreased overtime. Is my personality "whole" again? Not at all - but SIGNIFICANT improvement over time - little by little.

Hey @Lawyer. Welcome to the forums - you are in the right place. I am a professional in my late 30s with wife/kids and the way you write makes me feel like we are in a somewhat similar situations.. One thing is clear - you are very self aware and have a good grasp on your situation - the fact that you are able to feel joy and laughter and happiness after the acute stage is a GREAT sign... It means you are not too late... Honestly - I would do what you need to do to get on short term disability and then have the option of going on long term if you are still sick. That is in no way immoral and exactly what it's there for - you are going to be too sick to work and need to focus on your health. With 60% of your pay (tax free) hopefully you can keep afloat and even keep the option of returning to the job at some point. Sadly for me, at the end of my use I was so manic that I quit a perfectly good job with dillusional aspirations of self employment. I am 9 plus months clean and just now starting to look and interview for jobs. Feel free to reach out openly on the forum or privately if you want to connect more in depth.

Congrats @DrewK15. Likewise your post gives me hope and I appreciate you taking the time to check in here! @eric hang in there buddy. Recovery is really hard but it's also so obvious that stim use simply won't help anything. As everyone on this forum will tell you - once you cross the line with the addy the honeymoon phase will not repeat itself. Stims are simply not an option despite how hard things are...

I am going to try NAD+ either today or sometime this week. The depression is so strong that I can't imagine being able to "exaggerate" or feign positive feelings unless it really provides relief. Will report back - fingers crossed... Love to everyone regardless of where they are in the recovery process!

First and most importantly, a big big congrats. Secondly, thanks so much for your words of encouragement and empathy - it is truly helpful - it will be 8 months for me on Monday...

@Onedayatatime. I know this isn't going to make you feel better but you should be extremely proud of yourself for the amount of self control you have and continue to demonstrate. You always took exactly what your doctor prescribed for all that time - that is absolutely incredible! And the fact that you have never slipped back up while tapering - even with all the pain it is causing - is equally as incredible. Are you comfortable sharing why you made the decision to taper/quit? Are you sure quitting is what is best for you? The reason why I ask - just because my actions and personal experiences made it absolutely necessary for me to quit doesn't mean we assume everyone in the world needs to quit or not be on it. I don't think tapering vs cold turkey (or one specific tapering strategy vs another tapering strategy) is going to make a material difference. Unfortunately, the only way to beat this is time - exactly how much time is always unique to the individual. And during that time, there will be a significant amount of pain. And you are not alone. The only thing that may help is "expectations management." Unfortunately, the awful feelings you have are unavoidable. I was given the same advice and find it's helpful to expect these feelings, focus on managing them as opposed to alleviating them and eliminating any false hope of a quick fix or having them disappear. BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I am nowhere near the light. But I am better then I was 6 months ago and that gives me hope that these gradual (if often times unnoticeable) improvements will continue pushing me to the end of the tunnel

Thanks (as always) for the kind support and great feedback. I really appreciate the energy and effort around all of your contributions. I am not going to make an appointment - just going to stay abstinent and keep muddeling through. My one specific question though just for fun - are the damage to dophamine receptors visible in a cat scan? Or is it like the CTE coming out of nfl players that is only visible once desceased? Additonally, I assume the amount of natural dophamine or adrenalin you are producing is not something measurable?

Hi Everyone, Looking for some advice or opinions on scheduling an appointment with a neurologist. Quick background - my story is the same as everyone elses... I am 5 months clean after a decade of use and facing the exact same challenges (anhedonia/depression/anxiety) as the rest. From spending time on this forum, I now understand that I have brain damage that will take a long time to heal. Since I do have a brain disease, I was wondering if there is any value going to a neurologist? Can they conduct tests to understand the extent of the damage? Can they make recommendations to help in the healing process besides for staying clean and giving it time? Thanks!