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About Clavicula

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  1. Anatomy of a Relapse

    I am heavily addicted to cigarettes (pack a day) and EXTREME amounts of caffeine daily (10 cups of coffee), but I really don't feel like I am too worried about it because it is helping me stay off Adderall/amphetamine. I have started to decrease the amount of cigarettes I smoke, my goal is to get down to two or maybe one per day, so that I can enjoy them long term (because honestly I love it so much and don't want to stop) without health problems. It seems like people who get lung diseases from cigarettes are smoking a pack a day for like several decades. I think I can avoid health problems because my goal is to only smoke one per day and I order pounds of unprocessed tobacco leaf with no additives (yes, pounds. It'll last me a year, and it's incredibly cheap), and I roll my own. But typically I don't use a filter and I feel like if I want to avoid health problems I should definitely buy some filters. Fun fact: 90% of schizophrenics smoke! Idk what that's about. But I'm schizophrenic so it makes sense.
  2. Yeah I actually have a ton of cognitive problems from the schizophrenia, not ADHD, and Strattera seems to help. Honestly, I would give anything to kill the cravings and lift the depression, which is why I am taking it. I read that it doesn't actually increase dopamine. It simply prevents the reuptake of norepinephrine. It doesn't really have abuse potential. I am feeling okay with starting Strattera because I read on Wikipedia that you can stop it without having withdrawals. And I would love to share my writing with you. I'll PM you.
  3. Hi guys. I am four days into my sobriety and don't get me wrong this withdrawal is fucking terrible, and I didn't even expect to get withdrawal because I only used Adderall every other day and spent a couple breaks of several months. Looking back, I can clearly see where stopping the Adderall lined up with my psychiatric symptoms such as depression and psychosis, which I had no idea were withdrawal from the Adderall. I didn't realize I could be addicted to it after just using it every OTHER day. I recall a couple of weeks after stopping the Adderall when I was abusing it heavily in 2016, I had a severe manic break when I went off all my antipsychotic meds. For several months after, I struggled with severe depression. I was crashing hard, and I even attended a special school designed as an outpatient program, which I hated, and I even got thirteen rounds of electroconvulsive therapy because literally no medication would help my depression. Anyway, now I have realized the terrible things I have been doing to my brain, and I'm four days sober. Before a relapse, I had three days of sobriety. Yesterday was incredibly rough, I physically felt like I had lost contact with my body (even though I was seeing and hearing fine) from depersonalization. I felt disconnected from everything, unable to experience even the slightest emotion or sense of happiness. I am empty. Today has been very much the same, but I feel a little different. I would hesitate to say I am getting better, but in a way I am choosing to be happy. I have to force myself to think about little things like the birds chirping in the morning that make me happy. I have no energy, but I am forcing myself to do projects anyway. Despite my mental illness and drug addiction, or perhaps BECAUSE of it, I am a published author beginning a promising career. My poetry and fiction has been featured in numerous literary journals, and I have a poetry book recently accepted for publication by a small press, about my experiences with drug addiction and mental illness. Right now, after I type this post, I am going to force myself to work through my next draft of the book because my editor wants me to make some edits. I kinda realize now that even though I feel like absolute crap, I just need to force myself through it. My doctor is going to prescribe me Strattera, which is a non-recreational medication to treat focus and depression. In the past, I was able to quit Adderall for several months with virtually no withdrawal symptoms because of this medication. I don't consider it a replacement drug or another way to get high, simply because it isn't recreational and not a traditional stimulant. I am wondering if my withdrawal period will be better and shorter than most people's on this site because I didn't use it every day, and because I had taken several month-long breaks. What do you guys think? Also have any of you tried Strattera or a related antidepressant like Wellbutrin?
  4. Cravings passed. I didn't give in. Pulled out my trusty rosary!
  5. Title literally says it all. The idea of having to wait years for withdrawal depression to pass is seriously physically painful. Fuck this I just want to use Adderall! Help?
  6. Moving now won't be too stressful because I am moving in with my dad, his girlfriend, and my grandad in a really peaceful part of the country. I won't really have any responsibilities until summer when I'll take school, unless I choose to get a job. To clarify, my brother does not get ADHD medication anymore because he abused them too and got addicted to intraveinous heroin and meth. He's sober now. In the recent past, I would buy Adderall from people at my college and steal those vapor inhalers from Walgreens. Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm thinking of writing a letter to my Walgreens informing them of the abusive potential of these drugs to completely cut myself off and hopefully protect others.
  7. Hi! I am two days sober. I had two intense cravings today, but I got through it simply by waiting. I don't even try to fight it and say: no, I won't use amphetamine, I simply wait fifteen minutes and see if I still want to use it. By then the cravings have completely passed. Some background about me. I am eighteen years old. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (schizoaffective, bipolar type) when I was a freshman in high school and had a psychotic break. In sophomore year of high school I started stealing my brother's ADHD pills. I didn't even get high at first. I would take a pill, and then literally take a nap. But I started to become sensitized to the pills and extremely addicted to them. I would use them every day, multiple times a day. I was also recently prescribed an antidepressant and already having my first manic episode, so the amphetamine just made it much, much worse. I had a very very bad, traumatic, manic break a couple of weeks after stopping the Adderall pills along with all of my antipsychotic medication and my antidepressant. I'm talking, running down the street naked at one AM, covered in blood screaming at people about UFOs while cutting myself. I was tackled by the police, handcuffed to the gurney in the ambulance, and forcibly injected with tranquilizers then hospitalized. I have been on involuntary psychiatric holds probably about twenty or more times throughout my life, I have lost count. Since being diagnosed when I was fourteen, I haven't gone more than a couple months without some sort of psychiatric intervention. At first this was because I was delusional and refused to take my meds, and later it was because of suicidal thoughts and two attempts once I gained insight into how I was sick and how shitty my life was, and also because of the mood swings associated with my amphetamine addiction. My most recent hospitalization was a week ago, when I stuck my head in the oven like Sylvia Plath to kill myself because I was going through amphetamine withdrawal. Withdrawals have become dangerous for me in the past due to suicidal thoughts. I have two suicide attempts, the other was in April 2018 when I was withdrawing from kratom and Adderall and overdosed on a sedative and a bottle of liquor and locked myself in the bathroom and passed out. They had to pump my stomach. For me, the amphetamine abuse and the mental illness go hand in hand. Mania feels almost exactly like Adderall, and Adderall feels almost exactly like mania. When I am manic I want to take drugs to increase the feeling, and when I take drugs I just become more manic. I know for a fact that the two very simple things I have to do to stay out of the hospital, which I have not quite figured out how to do even after all these years, is SIMPLY: 1. Take my medication. 2. Stop taking drugs. I have got the medication down, I am compliant, but I have not figured out how to stop taking stimulant drugs. Recently, in the past year, my use has not been Adderall but an even stronger stimulant you can buy in a nasal spray I will not name over the counter at any pharmacy. This has been troublesome, because going to pick up my meds has been a trigger. I am two days sober. I relapsed on Thursday morning after three days sober. I have been to two AA meetings, and plan to go to the Dual Recovery meeting on Monday. I know now that I have to change, but damn it it's fucking hard! The withdrawals seriously suck. I didn't realize, since I only used every OTHER day, that I would experience withdrawals, but I guess after years of consistent use that I would. I relapsed on Thursday because I couldn't stand the depression and fatigue. This time, I got some supplements which have been helping me massively with energy levels during the withdrawals. I want to quit kratom when I move in two weeks, but I learned that it is too much to quit both Adderall and kratom at once right now. My kratom use is not extreme and I don't expect much withdrawals. I plan to get through these two weeks before I move to another state, and hopefully attend meetings as much as possible. The kratom will go eventually, but it's not the most major problem I have. I would just like to not be dependent on anything, even a mild herb. What has been working for me in terms of coping with cravings is simply praying the rosary whenever I experience a craving. The craving passes after I pray it. I am a very religious person and want to become an Episcopal priest after I learn to manage my mental illness and addiction better. I have actually been doing better with my mental illness. The psychosis is mostly gone, the mania is under control, I'm just still learning how to cope with depression occasionally. I know depression will be really bad in the first month. I have been having really bad nightmares and also really wonderful, pleasant vivid dreams at once. Any tips on anything? Thanks for reading.