neveragain

I was sober from dexedrine (and alcohol and other drugs) for four months, screwed up for three weeks, sobered up and had 15 days clean time..until today... I called the doctor and got myself a dexedrine script again. It's embarrassing how easy it went. I live in the Netherlands btw. Dexedrine abuse is not as common as in the US over here. I almost finished my masters degree. The only thing I have to do in order to graduate is write my thesis. Something I have been postponing for months seen I never studied without meds. They put me on ritalin at the age of 13. When I was 19 they put me on dexedrine, the stim I have been abusing ever since (next to other drugs and alcohol). I am 26 now. Today I thought OK FUCK IT, I will try and use it responsible this time (attempt 23423143) and quit taking pills after getting my degree / finishing my thesis.. Like I was going to quit after all the previous projects, short stories, papers, whatever. I was fooling myself (again). I almost shitted my pants out of excitement when the pharmacist was preparing my script. That was the moment I knew that I didn't really wanted to study, I wanted to get high. And indeed, I got high. Popped a few pills the moment I walked out of the pharmacist, and some more the moment I got home. Now am high but I can barely enjoy the feeling. I don't even feel like studying or doing anything productive. Suddenly I remember that during the last months of my abuse I was neither studying or doing anything productive. I was an anxious mess, sitting at my desk feeling like shit, thinking of ways how I can break free from my addiction. And that is an exact description of me right now. Somehow I forgot..Because my mind was playing tricks on me. My mind was showing me a whole different picture of what was going to happen if I got myself pills again. I called the university and made an appointment. I am going to temporarily withdraw from the study and finish it in a year or so. I need to fully focus on my recovery. Being haunted by the fact I have to write a thesis every day isn't helping me at all, seen every day I am disappointed in myself for being unproductive and lazy. I need to give my brain time to heal. I will get a shitty job somewhere in the meantime. But for now I need to find the strength to not turn this fuck up into a long bender. The strength to flush what is left of the 170 pills they gave me..

sounds hopeful! thanks for sharing and most importantly: congrats on your achievement!!

yes exactly what you are saying.. ''you don't stay productive forever'' well that's is exactly what i experienced. it wasn't really a choice anymore before i quit in november, i wasn't (and am not) productive while on these pills. the golden days are long gone, still i relapsed.. because i was fooling myself. ''it will never be different the next time''.. that's a fucking fact. but why do we forget and think it will be? why does addiction fuck with our memory? why does it lie to us? that's the part i don't understand..

I did wake up this week hoping my relapse was nothing but a bad nightmare.. It wasn't. To me it's reality. Think about that.

I abused dexedrine heavily for about seven years. A week ago I relapsed after more than four months of sobriety from dexedrine (and alcohol and other drugs). Let me tell you: IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I cannot even enjoy this feeling, actually: I hate it. This feeling isn't even really a feeling, it's feeling nothing at all. It's a feeling that belongs to my past where I should have left it. All the fucking lies I told myself to start using again.. All the lies I am telling the ones around me right now. But even my guilt and shame are numbed out. The only feeling I feel coming up is anxiety. I don't know how to live a productive life without these pills, but I know sure as hell I don't want to live a ''productive'' life with these pills. I am not even doing the things I used to do while high on these pills like writing or studying. It would feel like betrayal or just really stupid. Like yea right for months you have been lazy and unproductive and now you took some pills and suddenly BOOM working for hours again. That is not how I wanted to live my life anymore. It wouldn't make sense. So instead I am not doing much at all, actually nothing besides thinking how I can get out of this mess again, smoking lots of cigarettes and walking around the house and cleaning around like an obsessive idiot. I am listening to music but even though during my sobriety I thought to myself many times ''I wonder how this song would sound in a drugged out state'' - music doesn't sound better at all. Another lie I told myself. It's like I cannot ''feel'' the music. Simply because I cannot feel shit because the pills block all my emotions. Somehow I feel really really stuck. I cannot manage to get back on track again. I flushed my pills and deleted dealers contacts (I used to have a script for years but not anymore obviously), only to wake up and find a way to get more pills. I need to get out of this cycle. Every day I say this is day one again, every day I screw up. If somehow I manage to get back on track again, I will start contributing more to this website. I am from the Netherlands btw. English is not my native language and that kept me from submitting stuff instead of just reading. But I think I could really benefit from talking with others about the problems we all share. If you are struggling yourself and considering a relapse, feel free to ask me anything. But let me tell you: all the reasons you tell yourself are lies. Yes, all of them. Don't be like me. Stay strong.