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About m34

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  1. Another relapse...

    I made a commitment to run 6 days a week at 430/5 am. I swear it’s what has saved me, I do give myself one day off. 100 percent of the time I don’t feel like running, but I always do and feel better. On my “day off” I don’t stress about running or plans or anything. It’s long enough to chill, but one day is not long enough for me to get messed up... if that makes sense? because I have to run the next morning. It took a couple months to implement this where it’s like clockwork. Because I have this commitment to myself, I can’t be hungover. I’m almost 21 months clean off adderall and almost 11 months clean off alcohol. I also don’t take any other prescriptions, drugs, or anything that triggers the adderall cravings like sugar etc. I don’t know if that helps at all. Commit to something that you have to do early in the morning and it may help. It’s the little things with this whole sobriety Game...
  2. Progress

    I just wanted to come on and say some positive things that have been happening. The last couple of months I’ve made some real progress. I’m on month 17 clean. I stick to a routine, wake up early, eat well, run 6days a week, meditate. I sleep better than I have in years. This doesn’t mean every day is good, but I work hard regardless of how I feel now. I’m also making huge progress at work. I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing these words. the transformation has been slow but worth it. im sober as well. Think this is the biggest factor in feeling consistently better (for me at least) I only think about adderall around 3 pm - once a day... because I get sluggish.. then it fades. No longer is it a loud nagging “addiction voice” to get back on Adderall all day long. if anyone is struggling today know there is a light at the end of this long ass tunnel. No one should go through what we have all been facing. There should be more research and more understanding to the dangers of long term use of adderall. If I can get to this point then there is hope for everyone. We aren’t damaged forever it just takes time. Keep going
  3. @Subtracterall sorry I just saw your response I found out because they told me privately. Not sure if they’ve openly talked with everyone, but it gets brought up a lot when working one on one. It’s just crazy because everyone I work with is on it. I’ve also talked about how I no longer take meds and my sobriety. That’s made people open up to me more about it. Long work hours and lots of networking in sales. Attracts a lot of stim users.
  4. Job offer

    Congrats on job interview! It’s good to start now where you are. You are qualified even if you don’t “feel” invincible any more. You prob will find that you are way more capable than you realize. Pushing ourselves is so hard while we are recovering, but that’s how we heal the fastest. Even if you don’t get the job just putting yourself out there will give you a much needed boost and help fuel the next opportunity
  5. Insomnia always at 2-week Clean mark

    It’s a rollercoaster. I had kind of the same issues. Your body is trying to regulate. Sometimes you can feel great for a couple weeks and then it gets worse. It takes 12 months-3 yrs to reset. That’s the part no one tells us. It’s hard to hear. once I accepted that it was just going to take a long time I started to get a little resolve. I’m much more routine oriented now. I became self disciplined it really helped me. Excercise and diet seem to be the best tools, at least for me. I sleep so well now. Hang in there just don’t give up and go back to meds it will be worth it
  6. I’m not sure how to answer this, because I’m married. almost the entire first yr clean I had PAWS pretty bad. I “felt” like I was faking feelings even sex was boring for me. basically, went through the motions of our relationship. Then my feelings returned and my marriage is stronger for it now. I also gained some weight, depressed off and on, apathy, the whole thing. I was pretty insecure. I also lost the weight around month 10/11 btw so don’t quit being clean for that reason. It just takes a while. i would think if you meet someone and he loves you for the adderall free version of yourself then dating would be the best thing you could do and not to wait until you feel like it. It will be different dating. you may not “feel”up for it. However, imagine a person who can love you where you are now )recovering)and it only get better as you heal
  7. Quarantine relapse (3rd month now…)

    There’s never a good time to quit. Ever. If you are on the fence, Id say just quit now and never go back. It will just keep getting worse the cycles will just continue each month until you break it. It’s up to you. Just remember there will never be a good day or a day when your life has slowed down enough to where it makes sense.
  8. To fill or not to fill

    If you fill it you won’t flush them. Or at least I wouldn’t. I’d tell myself it was for emergency etc then take it to clean the closet because feeling like shit is an “emergency” for me. It sounds like it’s a script that’s already at the pharmacy so disregard my tear it up idea... ugh that’s so tough. Do you have anyone that can go with you to pick it up and then they take it home to flush? Sounds ridiculous but if you just want that temptation gone so it’s not available to you
  9. To fill or not to fill

    Tear them up and never look back. Thank God he retired. Now it will be harder for you to go through the process. Depending on your state you will have to get re tested etc. Just remember filling that script will only help you in the short term. You will be right back where you started. No judgement here... just total understanding either way. Not sure how I’d handle it either. If I didn’t tear them up and soak those scripts in water I’d prob fill them( lol if it’s an electronic script then idk) . it’s worth it to just keep walking through hell and not go back. you may get sucked into the cycle for another damn yr. Read your posts when you first quit, or if you wrote in a journal read about why you quit in the first place. The anxiety the pains all the bad parts of adderall that made you give it up. How bad it was in the end of your use. That’s right where you will be again I wish to God I went through this yrs ago and not wasted another damn second on those pills. You are stronger than you know.
  10. can't do it

    I feel your pain. It felt impossible to do the smallest things. Hang in there and take it in baby steps. You can make the zoom call. You can drag yourself to your moms and rest again. it just doesn’t “feel” like you can. 6 months is a weird time because you have good days. I’d do the same, plan stuff on my “good” days thinking they were going to last then when it was time to take action I was back to being depressed. You can keep going it’s just really hard and it’s ok that it’s hard. Just don’t go back if possible. If you are like me one pill is never enough. A few hours of relief will then into a few days etc. going through this is so hard. Getting to the other side is so worth it
  11. It only gets harder and harder to quit. Especially, since stims make us believe we can take on the world. In my job everyone I work with is on stims. we just hired two new people this week (both on stims!). Half the activity everyone is doing is non- productive. I think that’s why I’ve kept my job in hindsight. I’ve been able to help manage and to help prioritize activities. I wasted 10 yrs being so called “productive”. Now I’m more productive on things that do matter. I do the work that actually needs to be done and stay out of fairytale land of 20 projects at once. (Although, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that invincible feeling). I also have communicated my needs better. Adderall made me a yes person. Now I can put up better boundaries. Sorry for the ramble hope that helps
  12. 2 Years Speed Free

    Congratulations! I’m so happy for you. You’ve helped encourage me so much this last yr and want to thank you! 2 yrs is an amazing accomplishment
  13. Hang in there it’s completely normal. I always feel it in waves. The good news is that because it’s in waves you get days and weeks of relief As well. I’m on month 16 clean and having a rough couple of days. I think what gets easier is just learning to go through it. You start trusting that this feeling will end and you will get a little relief (even if it’s brief) it will be enough to keep you going. The first yr is the hardest. Just keep going at all costs because you don’t want to go backwards.
  14. Adderrall "HIGH" after quitting

    Running and intermittent fasting (18-24 hours fast) closest things I’ve had to adderall high. Diet is key component and not drinking (For me at least). I was lazy this weekend and had lots of carbs and sugar. I’m paying for it today and I have to constantly remind myself it’s the diet. It’s amazing how much it effects your mind. I’m scattered, add symptoms back, thinking about adderall, the whole 9 -all Because of f-ing FOOD. As simple as it sounds it’s equally hard sometimes to maintain... here I am looking for comfort because I’m triggered and I know it’s my crappy diet yesterday. It will pass I just have to get on track! Sorry for the rant lol cheers to clean living and sobriety!
  15. Seven Years

    Needed to hear this today! Thank you for taking the time to post!