m34

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About m34

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  1. I hit a horrible PAWS episode 30+ days of depression and isolation. IT finally lifted and I believe these supplements helped 1500 mg of Niacin ( no flush) 500 mg of glutathione +10 mg of NADH I'm 9 months and 21 days clean. I am also on the Keto diet (plant and meat ) for the last 60days. The healthiest version of it all organic etc. I still worked out 3-4 days a week even through this depression phase ( I was working out 5-6 days a week before) I feel as if I've been walking through honey all day in slow motion. Literally crying myself to sleep at night from exhaustion alone. About three days ago I started on the supplements. Today I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. I'm sure others have tried this, but thought I'd share just in case. For the first time in 30+ days I have energy again and feel somewhat productive- feels like a mini miracle to me. I'm not sure which supplement is really affecting me the most. It may just be the niacin ( no flush). I just thought if it can help someone else it's worth writing about. Good luck and hope this helps someone.
  2. Hang in there I’m behind you a little over 8 months clean. The fact that you keep posting really helps push me forward. I’m grateful to you for that! Imagine if you quit now. Only to find out that all of this would have lifted in 10 days. I keep telling myself this. For some reason it calms me down. My brain can some how get through the thought of 10 more days. Granted I’ve had a lot of “10 days” ha. It just eases my mind when I can’t stop wishing I had more pills. There’s nothing back there! I’ve quit before for almost a yr. I had no clue about this site or real recovery time. I went back on It never knowing the actual length of time it should take. I quit another time for a couple of months. This has to be my final quit. Each time I’ve gotten back on I’m right back in the cycle real quick. I was on adderall for almost 12 yrs total. The only thing keeping me going now is this site, meditation, excercise, diet, and my damn 10 more day mantra. You can do this for 10 more days. Then decide? You have come really far!! Also, great post @Emily
  3. @DogeVery true.In the beginning I also kept it from everyone except my husband. Mostly, because I didn't know if I was going to keep up with it. I knew once I told even one other person then suddenly it was all real. Around 5 months clean I started to tell a few people. It added another level of accountability. I think it helped fuel my recovery. Last thing I want is to have to back track and explain. It just showed me what I was actually dealing with. I was in extreme denial that I was "addicted". Which added a whole other layer of things. It may have just been me... but I did not blame anything on the pill. I would change everything in my life except that pill. Even when I was out of control with my use I still had a false sense of control. It's pretty messed up mind game. Be proud of yourself for getting off start with that. Its a really big deal to make it another day! @silky
  4. Congrats on 3 months. I know it’s a big step to reach out on these sites. Especially, if you’ve kept your recovery secret in your own life. I felt this way 3-4 months, then it lifted. Try to research PAWs. what you are going through is awful, but it is perfectly normal in recovery. I know when you are in the thick of it, it feels like the fog will never lift. That’s exactly how I felt at least. Just hang on because there will be good days. PAWS comes and goes still. I’m in my 8th month finally. As you go on the “episodes” get shorter. For me the apathy/ anhedonia is the hardest. I’d rather have anxiety or anger honestly. Feeling nothing for what I use to love doing was just an impossible stage. However, it passed. It will pass for you also
  5. How did 5 yrs fly by?

    Hang in there it gets better! I still have dreams and night sweats every now and then. That will pass! I had a dream the other night that someone gave me their gym bag. I opened up the side pocket. Inside was the holy grail of adderall. Tons of loose pills. In my dream I took one, broke it in half ate it. Then soaked the gym bag in water to get rid of all the other pills. I proceeded to take all the wet adderall out of the pocket to try and salvage it like a lunatic. No sure where I’m going with this...the dreams are part of recovery. Pay attention to them. I believe it’s our subconscious just trying to show us how deep we still are in our addictions as we heal. Another reminder that we can’t go back. Or at least in my experience Congratulations on another day clean, it gets easier promise
  6. Good point @Sleepyandsober. The last two yrs I was on it was a downward spiral. It was like it stopped working. I just kept taking more just to feel sort of productive and normal. I tried month after month to get back to the prescribed dose. I would always find a reason to take another half etc. You are absolutely right. I just need to tell myself that over and over. They can have it all they want. @BK99Too bad we don’t work together. I could really use an ally. It is very triggering. I also keep telling myself this is temporary. We are perfectly capable of doing anything in life off adderall. It’s just boring AF... lol
  7. What motivates you to stay clean?

    Thank you @NaterS. I just have to keep moving forward. Your words are motivating. It’s nice to know that it keeps getting better. My mind has been pretty stuck this last couple weeks. Just have to remind myself to hang on. I wish I quit years ago. Your story is inspiring appreciate the share!
  8. I am 7 months and 28 days clean today. I started a new job 6 weeks ago. It took me about three weeks to adjust to working. I'm back doing what I was doing before (when I was on Adderall. ) different company. I noticed my coworkers were bouncing off the walls from day 1. I thought in the back of my mind they were both on Adderall. Then I let it go. I just assumed that my energy is so low that everyone seems high on life compared. However, now that they've gotten more comfortable with me they have separately admitted they are on it in a joking manner. Since I've found out (officially) Ive been so triggered. The other day it took all my will power to not ask for one. What did I expect that I would return to my Adderall filled world with no one on it? I'm not planning on getting back on. Just venting because I have no one to share this with. If anyone has had similar experiences Id love to know. Is the whole damn world just on Adderall?
  9. What motivates you to stay clean?

    Sleep. Not ever being embarrassed at the pharmacy again. Counting pills. The shame and guilt. The feeling that I couldn’t do anything without the pills. No more running out. No more late insomnia nights w/ morning stomachache. If I could just read this a thousand times I’d never crave again right? Geez it’s actually amazing all that is gone now. 7 months 26 days today. Reminding myself of the hellish part is always good.
  10. NAD+ IV Therapy = Miracle

    Thank you! I’ll definitely do what you suggested! I really am ready to try anything at this point. I’m doing red light therapy and b12 shots with some supplements. It’s a subtle difference. I’ll come back to this thread with updates. Thanks again @SamJo
  11. NAD+ IV Therapy = Miracle

    Thanks for sharing. I actually was researching this near me. It’s so expensive, so was hesitant. I’m glad it worked for you! I’m prob going to start researching more and see how I can make this happen financially. I’m almost at the 7 month mark in a couple of days. Happy to be at this point, but it would be so nice to get over this hump!
  12. THREE YEARS!!!!!

    I’m at 6months right now. Needed to hear this Appreciate you sharing and congrats!! gives me hope!! Thank you
  13. My early recovery journey- 65days clean

    @Socially awkwardyour story helped me when having a rough patch. Pretty much the same reasons I quit. Thanks for sharing I like your name lol @growingupistheworst ❤️ I’m newer to forums. Hang in there the first week is the hardest physically... (or was for me) and then it’s a roller coaster of mind games. I’m on Month 5 off adderall... good days are starting to become more consistent. Don’t get discouraged just be proud your making the decision. I’m still taking one day at a time. These forums saved me multiple times from making that appt or caving to ask friends for adderall. I know I have so far to go.. just thought I’d send you some encouragement.