m34

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About m34

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  1. 2yrs

    Thank you @speedracer! Btw your posts/ responses have helped me in the last couple of yrs. I appreciate it.
  2. 2yrs

    Sorry I’m just now responding @JennyF. I’m still experiencing fatigue and boredom. If I’m being really honest lol. I think that’s also not having any form of escape. No alcohol or adderall. Like I just have to live my life every day. The great thing is whenever I feel great, and I do have great days... it’s all me. I know I’ve worked for it and can thoroughly enjoy the peace of mind I have now. Instead of the synthetic euphoria or joy adderall use to create. It’s definitely worth it. I do still have to work every day on creating motivation and just doing a task. Thanks for your response and sorry for delay!
  3. 2yrs

    I officially made it to two yrs clean yesterday. I never thought this day would come. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m def never going back to adderall. I’m so grateful to have hit two yrs. if anyone is struggling keep going. It was worth it all to get to where I am now. I just made more money than I have in many years. My relationship with husband has improved. I’m just in a good clean steady place. I am also 1 yr (almost) 2 months off alcohol... so that prob contributes to how good I feel today. Thank you for all the support on this site :-) We can get better and we do it just takes time. Keep going. Sorry I sound so cliche but it’s true. Hang on and don’t give up
  4. Sobriety and rocky relationship

    I was married during my use and getting clean. now that I’m almost two yrs in things are better in our relationship. I will say it was worse In my mind, than it was for him. I felt like he was going to leave me etc. The house was a mess. I was so depressed. I Faked it through work, only to go home, ignore him, and sleep every night well into the first 6 -12months. He acts like now it wasn’t so bad- or “he hardly noticed me going through it. “ I don’t know if that’s a man thing ha (like he forgot idk! ) This is hard but it’s worth it. Maybe explain that the first yr is going to be pretty rough. Show him real examples from this site. Probably, what he is researching (if he is researching) is main stream psychology/ rehab sites which claim people are better within 30- 90 days. In some ways we are then PAwS creeps in. 30-90 days That is a fairytale . Also, that is why they keep over prescribing in my opinion! I guess my advice is Keep moving forward you’re in the thick of it, and he needs to understand this is temporary. Don’t use his reaction as an excuse to get back on meds. Anything to stay off the adderall is the goal period (at any cost). Also, take into account anything he says is prob affecting you a lot more than he realizes. He just misses you deep down and it’s hard for him to grasp, hope this helps!
  5. Like all you want! This isn’t like social media. Everyone here is here for support. Post when you feel like it or share whenever. People come on and off this site all the time. No judgement. It’s a hard process getting off this damn drug. Sometimes all you can do is read the forum with no energy to respond. Welcome!
  6. October Month of Magic

    You kind of sound like me in the end of my use. It’s really hard to quit, but it’s really worth it. It won’t be easy at all. You have to commit to yourself and a better life. Just reading your post feels familiar. I remember spiraling out end the end and not sure where to turn. I couldn’t stop and I couldNt stay where I was. I hate this drug. Every story makes me angry. None of us should have gone through this. You’re prob smoking to calm down from the come down of adderall. It is also prob making you even more paranoid. I’d quit both to start. You will prob find your other vices are nothing compared to your addiction to stims. I’ve been there and I understand. I’m 21 months clean of adderall. 11 off alcohol. I can’t smoke because it makes me anxious, so not sure how to help with that. I’m so grateful to be free from this drug. You can quit and be there too, I was on for well over a decade with a few breaks. It’s just making the decision to be done with it and staying clean every day that’s the hard part. Choose your health and your mental health. You won’t regret it. You will only regret staying where you are now. If you are suicidal please talk to someone. Maybe a rehab would be safer to quit
  7. This is a great question. Tapering never worked for me, and maybe it does have to do with addiction vs dependence? My thing is I didn’t want to be miserable. I’d still be tired trying to taper and ALWAYS find a reason to just take another half. Cold turkey was the only thing that finally worked.
  8. I'm sorry you are going through this... Adderall started to take its toll on me as well. My marriage barely survived the last yr I was on it. A flip switches somewhere and the thing that "saved" your life turns into your worst enemy. Unfortunately, she prob isn't associating her behavior with the Adderall. I never realized how much it was affecting every aspect of my life... until I quit. I mean I knew Adderall was making me lose sleep and anxious, but " I was in control". I fully thought my husband was cheating on me... I thought people were after me ( A whole other story) ...I thought a lot of things that felt very real. I didn't lose track of time or lose memories. However, I got very paranoid and depressed. It still took me getting off it to really see what the Adderall was doing to me. I had to quit drinking as well. Adderall alone is enough to cause most destructive behaviors, but it sounds like maybe she's also taking something else? I had a friend who would take Adderall during day then Xanax at night .. plus wine. She would get so angry with her husband and kids. The whole mix was dangerous and messing with her. She would call me in the middle of the night rambling, apologizing about things that had nothing to do with me and not remember any of it. Just a thought.... If this is the case she probably needs rehab to safely get off everything. Thank you for sharing your story. I know its a long road, but its worth it to stay off this drug!
  9. Embarassing Job Interviews On Adderall

    I absolutely would do this with clients. I use to say oh people just love to open up to me. No I was opening up to them. Spilling my guts w/ rambling stories! I have had a lot of time to contemplate my embarrassing ways on adderall. I don’t know if it’s so embarrassing as just out of character. Even random dates I was on in my 20s or relationships. ... I would have these “amazing” connections. Were they ever really real or the adderall kicking in? It gives us a false sense of confidence. Which probably also makes us appear extremely insecure. Getting back to myself has been the hardest part of being clean and sober! Like wtf who was I for over a decade?
  10. Love hate relationship with addy

    It is really hard to get off, but so is staying on adderall. I had to get to the point where I realized I needed to choose the hard that was best for me long term. It doesn’t get better on adderall it just gets worse. It kind of lies to us and makes us believe we need it. We don’t. I was on for so many years...I lost myself as well. Finally free from this drug and it’s worth all the pain to get to where I am today. You can do this!
  11. Another relapse...

    I made a commitment to run 6 days a week at 430/5 am. I swear it’s what has saved me, I do give myself one day off. 100 percent of the time I don’t feel like running, but I always do and feel better. On my “day off” I don’t stress about running or plans or anything. It’s long enough to chill, but one day is not long enough for me to get messed up... if that makes sense? because I have to run the next morning. It took a couple months to implement this where it’s like clockwork. Because I have this commitment to myself, I can’t be hungover. I’m almost 21 months clean off adderall and almost 11 months clean off alcohol. I also don’t take any other prescriptions, drugs, or anything that triggers the adderall cravings like sugar etc. I don’t know if that helps at all. Commit to something that you have to do early in the morning and it may help. It’s the little things with this whole sobriety Game...
  12. Progress

    I just wanted to come on and say some positive things that have been happening. The last couple of months I’ve made some real progress. I’m on month 17 clean. I stick to a routine, wake up early, eat well, run 6days a week, meditate. I sleep better than I have in years. This doesn’t mean every day is good, but I work hard regardless of how I feel now. I’m also making huge progress at work. I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing these words. the transformation has been slow but worth it. im sober as well. Think this is the biggest factor in feeling consistently better (for me at least) I only think about adderall around 3 pm - once a day... because I get sluggish.. then it fades. No longer is it a loud nagging “addiction voice” to get back on Adderall all day long. if anyone is struggling today know there is a light at the end of this long ass tunnel. No one should go through what we have all been facing. There should be more research and more understanding to the dangers of long term use of adderall. If I can get to this point then there is hope for everyone. We aren’t damaged forever it just takes time. Keep going
  13. @Subtracterall sorry I just saw your response I found out because they told me privately. Not sure if they’ve openly talked with everyone, but it gets brought up a lot when working one on one. It’s just crazy because everyone I work with is on it. I’ve also talked about how I no longer take meds and my sobriety. That’s made people open up to me more about it. Long work hours and lots of networking in sales. Attracts a lot of stim users.
  14. Job offer

    Congrats on job interview! It’s good to start now where you are. You are qualified even if you don’t “feel” invincible any more. You prob will find that you are way more capable than you realize. Pushing ourselves is so hard while we are recovering, but that’s how we heal the fastest. Even if you don’t get the job just putting yourself out there will give you a much needed boost and help fuel the next opportunity
  15. Insomnia always at 2-week Clean mark

    It’s a rollercoaster. I had kind of the same issues. Your body is trying to regulate. Sometimes you can feel great for a couple weeks and then it gets worse. It takes 12 months-3 yrs to reset. That’s the part no one tells us. It’s hard to hear. once I accepted that it was just going to take a long time I started to get a little resolve. I’m much more routine oriented now. I became self disciplined it really helped me. Excercise and diet seem to be the best tools, at least for me. I sleep so well now. Hang in there just don’t give up and go back to meds it will be worth it