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Everything posted by m34

  1. Progress

    I just wanted to come on and say some positive things that have been happening. The last couple of months I’ve made some real progress. I’m on month 17 clean. I stick to a routine, wake up early, eat well, run 6days a week, meditate. I sleep better than I have in years. This doesn’t mean every day is good, but I work hard regardless of how I feel now. I’m also making huge progress at work. I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing these words. the transformation has been slow but worth it. im sober as well. Think this is the biggest factor in feeling consistently better (for me at least) I only think about adderall around 3 pm - once a day... because I get sluggish.. then it fades. No longer is it a loud nagging “addiction voice” to get back on Adderall all day long. if anyone is struggling today know there is a light at the end of this long ass tunnel. No one should go through what we have all been facing. There should be more research and more understanding to the dangers of long term use of adderall. If I can get to this point then there is hope for everyone. We aren’t damaged forever it just takes time. Keep going
  2. @Subtracterall sorry I just saw your response I found out because they told me privately. Not sure if they’ve openly talked with everyone, but it gets brought up a lot when working one on one. It’s just crazy because everyone I work with is on it. I’ve also talked about how I no longer take meds and my sobriety. That’s made people open up to me more about it. Long work hours and lots of networking in sales. Attracts a lot of stim users.
  3. Job offer

    Congrats on job interview! It’s good to start now where you are. You are qualified even if you don’t “feel” invincible any more. You prob will find that you are way more capable than you realize. Pushing ourselves is so hard while we are recovering, but that’s how we heal the fastest. Even if you don’t get the job just putting yourself out there will give you a much needed boost and help fuel the next opportunity
  4. Insomnia always at 2-week Clean mark

    It’s a rollercoaster. I had kind of the same issues. Your body is trying to regulate. Sometimes you can feel great for a couple weeks and then it gets worse. It takes 12 months-3 yrs to reset. That’s the part no one tells us. It’s hard to hear. once I accepted that it was just going to take a long time I started to get a little resolve. I’m much more routine oriented now. I became self disciplined it really helped me. Excercise and diet seem to be the best tools, at least for me. I sleep so well now. Hang in there just don’t give up and go back to meds it will be worth it
  5. I’m not sure how to answer this, because I’m married. almost the entire first yr clean I had PAWS pretty bad. I “felt” like I was faking feelings even sex was boring for me. basically, went through the motions of our relationship. Then my feelings returned and my marriage is stronger for it now. I also gained some weight, depressed off and on, apathy, the whole thing. I was pretty insecure. I also lost the weight around month 10/11 btw so don’t quit being clean for that reason. It just takes a while. i would think if you meet someone and he loves you for the adderall free version of yourself then dating would be the best thing you could do and not to wait until you feel like it. It will be different dating. you may not “feel”up for it. However, imagine a person who can love you where you are now )recovering)and it only get better as you heal
  6. Quarantine relapse (3rd month now…)

    There’s never a good time to quit. Ever. If you are on the fence, Id say just quit now and never go back. It will just keep getting worse the cycles will just continue each month until you break it. It’s up to you. Just remember there will never be a good day or a day when your life has slowed down enough to where it makes sense.
  7. To fill or not to fill

    If you fill it you won’t flush them. Or at least I wouldn’t. I’d tell myself it was for emergency etc then take it to clean the closet because feeling like shit is an “emergency” for me. It sounds like it’s a script that’s already at the pharmacy so disregard my tear it up idea... ugh that’s so tough. Do you have anyone that can go with you to pick it up and then they take it home to flush? Sounds ridiculous but if you just want that temptation gone so it’s not available to you
  8. To fill or not to fill

    Tear them up and never look back. Thank God he retired. Now it will be harder for you to go through the process. Depending on your state you will have to get re tested etc. Just remember filling that script will only help you in the short term. You will be right back where you started. No judgement here... just total understanding either way. Not sure how I’d handle it either. If I didn’t tear them up and soak those scripts in water I’d prob fill them( lol if it’s an electronic script then idk) . it’s worth it to just keep walking through hell and not go back. you may get sucked into the cycle for another damn yr. Read your posts when you first quit, or if you wrote in a journal read about why you quit in the first place. The anxiety the pains all the bad parts of adderall that made you give it up. How bad it was in the end of your use. That’s right where you will be again I wish to God I went through this yrs ago and not wasted another damn second on those pills. You are stronger than you know.
  9. can't do it

    I feel your pain. It felt impossible to do the smallest things. Hang in there and take it in baby steps. You can make the zoom call. You can drag yourself to your moms and rest again. it just doesn’t “feel” like you can. 6 months is a weird time because you have good days. I’d do the same, plan stuff on my “good” days thinking they were going to last then when it was time to take action I was back to being depressed. You can keep going it’s just really hard and it’s ok that it’s hard. Just don’t go back if possible. If you are like me one pill is never enough. A few hours of relief will then into a few days etc. going through this is so hard. Getting to the other side is so worth it
  10. It only gets harder and harder to quit. Especially, since stims make us believe we can take on the world. In my job everyone I work with is on stims. we just hired two new people this week (both on stims!). Half the activity everyone is doing is non- productive. I think that’s why I’ve kept my job in hindsight. I’ve been able to help manage and to help prioritize activities. I wasted 10 yrs being so called “productive”. Now I’m more productive on things that do matter. I do the work that actually needs to be done and stay out of fairytale land of 20 projects at once. (Although, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that invincible feeling). I also have communicated my needs better. Adderall made me a yes person. Now I can put up better boundaries. Sorry for the ramble hope that helps
  11. 2 Years Speed Free

    Congratulations! I’m so happy for you. You’ve helped encourage me so much this last yr and want to thank you! 2 yrs is an amazing accomplishment
  12. Hang in there it’s completely normal. I always feel it in waves. The good news is that because it’s in waves you get days and weeks of relief As well. I’m on month 16 clean and having a rough couple of days. I think what gets easier is just learning to go through it. You start trusting that this feeling will end and you will get a little relief (even if it’s brief) it will be enough to keep you going. The first yr is the hardest. Just keep going at all costs because you don’t want to go backwards.
  13. Adderrall "HIGH" after quitting

    Running and intermittent fasting (18-24 hours fast) closest things I’ve had to adderall high. Diet is key component and not drinking (For me at least). I was lazy this weekend and had lots of carbs and sugar. I’m paying for it today and I have to constantly remind myself it’s the diet. It’s amazing how much it effects your mind. I’m scattered, add symptoms back, thinking about adderall, the whole 9 -all Because of f-ing FOOD. As simple as it sounds it’s equally hard sometimes to maintain... here I am looking for comfort because I’m triggered and I know it’s my crappy diet yesterday. It will pass I just have to get on track! Sorry for the rant lol cheers to clean living and sobriety!
  14. Seven Years

    Needed to hear this today! Thank you for taking the time to post!
  15. 5 months today

    Congrats on 5 months!! That is a huge accomplishment! I’m so happy for you
  16. 5 Worst Things Adderall Did To You?

    1) skin problems to the max, embarrassing 2)anxiety and jealous tendencies in relationships 3) tense muscles constantly 4) being held back because I would rely on the drug to “push” and motivate my projects. When I was out my life was on hold until I could get more 5) financial issues from instant gratification spending of all types.
  17. I was diagnosed by 3 different psychologists over the yrs and told I needed it. Looking back, I asked many times about symptoms and other behavior issues. The doctor (s) always assured me it was safe and not the meds. then would ask if there were other things contributing to it etc. i mean the load of lies and (mind control) surrounding this drug really is astounding. I do believe some psychologists are doing their best, but let’s be real they are more brainwashed than any of us because of the dsm. They are only legally allowed to go by that. They could lose their license for speaking against it. It took me getting off it and staying off for me to really see how mind controlled I was by it. It ruled my life. I had many “good” yrs meaning it didn’t disrupt certain areas of my life. I just try to stay focused now on never going back. It can be mind boggling and takes a toll. I spent months in depression over each little misstep. Life will get better things will change if you just stay off this drug. It takes longer than any of us are told or expect, but it’s worth it.
  18. I’m going through serious mental gymnastics over here. I really felt like my job was making progress and Id been feeling like my life was back on track before all this shit. We are in shelter in place order where I live. I’m so thankful to be sober and clean off adderall. However, I’m feeling like my world is crashing down around me. Both my husband and I have jobs that are potentially about to be obsolete. We both kind of have side projects going, so guess that could be our plan B. Maybe it’s for the best. My creativity is kicking back in, feeling more like myself (aside from the stress of the pending apocalypse and all). All I want is to escape this nightmare! Sending love to anyone else struggling. Hope everyone is safe and healthy tonight. You are not alone!
  19. I relate to this! Back when adderall really worked for me the years it “changed my life” and “I would just take as prescribed or as needed. “ everyone else was abusing it I was prescribed... all the pretty little lies I told myself. Calm before the storm. That’s what’s so evil about this drug. It gets you hooked without even realizing it. I would have defended it to the end. It’s therapeutic “My doctor this and researched that.” “It’s not the same as meth.” It’s changed my life. You couldn’t have told me different. We have all been where you are. We hear you. when your ready to quit come back on here. It’s not a matter of if, but when. sadly it’s the same for all the millions of people who it’s effective for...just a matter of time.

    I’m so happy for you. I know it feels like baby steps now, but it’s worth it! You’re having way more progress than you realize. Congrats on 4months!
  21. I have this same issue. Think there are two parts finding ourself and having to face who we may have been on Adderall. Last night went to an event (I was also sober) with some of my old “party” friends. it’s hard to be around the same people. I still had fun. I’m just different now. I had a friend there who also quit Adderall, she seems to be the only one I connect with for obvious reasons. also, seeing everyone hyped up,drunk and addy,d up is both triggering and sobering the same time. I don’t want to be that way ever again. I love waking up with no hangover and be the real me. That’s something worth hanging on for...even if I’m tired. Lol wish we could hang out!
  22. @Clavicula you have had quite a journey. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it has been on you. Keep writing. Being sober is the only way to even begin to help yourself navigate schizophrenia. (Easier said than done I know). Especially, when all you want is to escape. Long term use of adderall and stimulants (meth) can induce schizophrenic like behaviors. I’m sure you are well aware. Which to me would be hopeful in your case. Because maybe it’s the drugs pushing you into schizophrenic behavior w/ a mis diagnosis from a physician during a drug infuced psychosis? This happened with someone I use to know. I obviously don’t know your situation. Once they got sober (it took a couple yrs) their symptoms faded into the background and they could manage. Because doctors are not educated on anything outside of the DSM they miss so much and we trust them more than we should. Psychologically once we receive a diagnosis that is ingrained in our unconscious mind, I’d love to read your poetry book. Have you published them or have a link to purchase? I remember in the beginning of my recovery I read your post on how you were able to write and publish your poetry books clean. That gave me so much hope that day. Thinking of you and you are not alone on here!
  23. 2 Years!

    Hang in there. I went through a really rough time around 10 months. It will get easier and you will start to see better days. Now at 13 months I can honestly say my hell first yr clean was worth it. I know I have so far to go, but finally have hope. @Ready2Change
  24. I tried......

    You have to know this can't last forever or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. It will get easier, but the fairytale "30- 90 day" recovery that websites and therapisst tell us-- IS FALSE! It's 1 yr to 3 years. You have two options quit or just get further into Adderall addiction. It will not get better. It just gets worse the longer you take Adderall. I was on for a total of 12 yrs. I feel your pain. Quit many times before I finally had to say enough. Push through every single day. Almost at 13 months clean now @four months I couldn't even see this far ahead. I'm finally seeing the light. You are stronger than you think!
  25. adderall induced eating disorder

    I have/ had same issue. I exercised and ate well even through the depression phases. I held onto about 5-7 lbs that I couldn’t lose for anything between months 2-8. That is a lot for me because I’m short. Around 8-10 months clean the weight just fell off. Hang in there because you won’t hold onto the weight forever. It’s still a battle of cravings for me... without those little helpers!