KN_1

I apologize in advance because I already know this will probably be all over the place. I'm currently coming down and overall I'm just beyond exhausted- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm currently 23 years old and have been taking adderall since 2014. Literally every single day since the first day I tried it. Okay, well, there are TWO days I can remember where I didn't take it in these past 4 years- and they were HELL. I couldn't keep my eyes open or make it out of bed and I was miserable. Before taking adderall, I was already suffering from depression and chronic fatigue so adderall truly was the answer to all of my problems. I have never worked a job without being on adderall, or raised my child without being on adderall. I've used it throughout my whole adult life- and now I am TERRIFIED to come off of it. But I know it needs to be done. I'm to the point where I'm taking 100-200mg per day. Just to get through the day. It doesn't make me happy like it used to, it doesn't make me socialable like it used to- it actually has over time made me quite the opposite. My moods are all over the fucking place. I have energy and motivation most of the time but I just feel..empty. Unless I'm raging with anger because someone "interrupted" me while I was focused on some bullshit task that my tweaking self couldn't look away from. It used to make me want to DO things and talk to people, now I just play games on my computer all day or clean the most random, stupid shit. It wakes me up enough to go to work but I know once I stop, I have to quit my job. So I put a notice in today. This is the first time I haven't been working in 4 years. I'm so scared. I have amazing family and a boyfriend that are supportive but I also have a 6 year old son I'm raising and I'm literally terrified that once I stop I won't even be able to get out of bed to take him to school in the morning, or do ANYTHING around the house. Once I stop working in a couple weeks I am going to my doctor with my mom and telling her about my problem so she can refer me to some sort of out patient program to get on a tapering schedule. I'm nervous to do that, I feel bad I've been lying to my doctor for so long about taking my prescription responsibly let alone also buying so much extra from friends every month. I'm scared I won't ever be able to get a job again; I was already SO tired and SO unmotivated and SO shy and anxious before I ever started adderall, I can't imagine "adulting" AT ALL without it. What if I'm just worthless forever? I'm so scared. But I know I need to do this. Any sort of advice or encouragement would be so appreciated.