Roch248

Everything started when I was 24. Was diagnosed with ADD and was given adderall. Obviously it worked great at first and had a lot of personal and professional success taking it daily. Started binging about a year in to getting my prescription. Usually around 80-100mg spread throughout a couple days (1-2 times a week). Little to no harm reduction to go along with it. Staying up all night, drink/eating nothing and grinding my teeth . This went on for about a year and a half. At that point I decided to remove myself from the situation. Let my prescription lapse, moved for work, reduced contact with friends that I would binge with. I would occasionally go back and visit a couple times a year, take a low dose, buy some for the following week. But nothing close to what I was doing before. Well, I moved back to my hometown about a year ago and started to fall back into my old habits. Although I refuse to even consider attempting to renew my prescription I have been visiting my my old friends who do binge again. I don't use at all during the week, workout hard everyday, get plenty of sleep, and tell myself that this is the week I'm finally done. Every Friday I end up taking (30-60mg throughout the evening) and end up staying up all night. Essentially sleeping 6 nights a week. It's hard to take myself seriously when I break my promise to myself weekly. Now with doing this somewhat frequently over the last decade, at 30 extremely concerned about latent accrued cardiovascular damage. I've done very light research and the results are terrifying with things such as hardened arteries. This weekend was the last straw for me, as I've realized its not even something I remotely enjoy anymore. All the euphoria has turned into guilt and anxiety. Cutting contact with my friend who enables and supplies me is the only way forward. That being said... How do you cope with worrying about possible irreversible physical damage (brain, heart, kidneys from dehydration, etc...)? I know that I will more than likely be paying for my decisions later on in life (stroke, heart attack) and the anxiety is crippling. Thanks for listening to my rant.