LuLamb

WAY TO GO!!! I love your list! Your post touched me. Thank you

I don't know what's real. I've been having terrific bouts of anxiety lately. A few nights a week I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic-usually something related to my business or one of my clients and the big trouble I am somehow convinced I am going to get into. But the anxiety could show up and attach to anything at times. Last night it seemed even more ludicrous than usual. I was in a total panic about THE CLOUD and losing everything I've got on it. I've accomplished so many things in the last few years, and quitting Adderall was sort of the kingpin. Since quitting in October of 2019, I also quit smoking, went to 100% telehealth with my practice because of COVID, and moved back to Arizona, which I had been wanting to do for years. I love my new home and the solitude I feel like I'm able to finally get. My energy and motivation have been pretty good since I last posted. I have been going for long walks in the desert every day. I've been meditating regularly. But I feel like I'm losing my mind lately. Is this PAWS?

I made some messes on adderall. I’m really starting to see that. No telling if I would’ve made them anyway, but I think I’ve gotten strong enough recently that I’m working hard to get shit on-track and feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Realized for the first time today that theses are adderall-messes. Fast and furious impatient decisions that didn’t go away when I quit adderall. And I’m responsible for them. And I need to forgive myself for making them. And I need to face them and do what I can to clean them up. I think it will help me to begin to orient to things moreso this way. I started a meditation practice. Finally. It’s helpful.

I’m 53 and I quit Adderall in October of 2019. I quit smoking a few months ago. I haven’t had any alcohol this week. I love my new place. I cannot believe I have a beautiful view. And! And I’m just exhausted by everything. Maybe this is what they mean by “fake it til you make it”...I don’t know. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I have a lot of anxiety. I need to trust myself-my head, my heart, and my body. Drinking way too much caffeine. Tired all the time and resentful of the sense of urgency I feel to DO all the things (work, be a good friend, be a good daughter, do the dishes, make the bed, walk the dog...). Having a hard time relaxing and feeling comfortable in my own skin-in my own body. I think all of this is related to the Adderall et al recovery. But not sure. If someone told me two years ago that I’d be off Adderall; smoking; and wine by now, I’d be so relieved and happy about that. But I want to feel better and most days I feel anxious and uncomfortable being me. I didn’t expect this.

Thanks for the good words. Making plans for how I spend my time, energy, and resources has really helped me this past week. Exercise is especially helpful for my mood as well as my back. Went on an amazing hike today.

I’m all moved in to my new home in AZ. The quiet is so nice and the view from my new apartment is beautiful: high desert and mountains for miles. And, I’m struggling! Depressed. Unmotivated. Anhedonia. I got on here this morning because I remembered reading posts from people talking about the challenge of life just past the year mark (I quit Adderall in October of 2019). And I had a dream last night that I had some Adderall and I was really happy about it. I am also very aware lately that my brain chemistry is still very whacked and I’ve unwittingly wreaked more havoc with it recently: I had started taking Gabapentin a couple of months ago for my back/nerve pain. My ex gave me some extras he had. I did not think anything of it. They helped and my back was especially jacked because of all the moving and packing and getting rid of stuff in prep for the AZ move. Then I moved to AZ and I ran out about two weeks ago. And the detox and withdrawal took me by complete storm. And I started reading stuff that said the people who had issues coming off of it were typically those with a history of addiction to other substances. It blew my mind. I felt duped and angry. My brother and my sister-in-law both have used it and they said they had zero issues stopping it or using it PRN. I’ve largely decided not to attempt to return to the Gabapentin, but I’m so upset. Upset that I didn’t realize it would be a big deal to take or not take the Gaba and to discover only in retrospect that this drug is also very potent and therefore dangerous for me. It has been like the early days of getting off Adderall all over again. I’ll just keep plodding along. Live and learn. Feeling pretty sorry for myself. Anhedonia is the worst. Im going to take my dog and my arse hiking now. I feel like just staring at the boob tube all day, but I know the exercise and sunshine will help, even if only a little.

Tomorrow I will be at the one-year mark! I can't believe it. Adderall is completely out of my life. When I reflect on my Adderall days, I find myself wondering how I got anything done - how I didn't manage to totally and completely shoot the wheels off of everything in my life; how I managed to come through those days of use and abuse relatively unscathed. The side-effects of COVID (sheltering-in-place; going to 100% telehealth with my counseling practice and being able to work from anywhere; just going out less; less pressure to be showered and dressed and ON for the world; etc.) have been a real gift. In a few weeks, I will be moving to Arizona. I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet of the desert. Quitting Adderall has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know that I could have made it this far without the help and support of you all on this site.

I really appreciate hearing this. I quit Adderall back in October. Since then, I’ve had a few brief relapses, and am currently on Day 69 since the last one. I’m doing ok. Most of the time I don’t think about Adderall. I know with absolute certainty that it wouldn’t help. The most helpful things are exercise, sleep, taking the time to make and eat healthy meals, and time in nature. I got a mountain bike recently and have really been enjoying finding new trails to ride in the mornings. Today I am leaving on a trip with my boyfriend for two weeks to spend a week in Albuquerque and a week in Tucson. The hope is that by the end of the trip, we’ll have decided to which of these two places we’d like to move. This was a plan I had first made over ten years ago (pre-Adderall). The other day my boyfriend told me how much healthier I look. Yesterday, I saw my ex-husband (he’s taking care of my pup while I’m gone). I hadn’t seen him in nearly six months. He said, “You got skinny!” Which I took as a real compliment. I was afraid I’d gain weight post-Adderall. My guts have been pretty whacked lately. I know I’ve read some on here say they’ve had gut issues in recovery. Work has been really challenging. I’ve been doing telehealth sessions from home since COVID, which is great in some ways, but I’m feeling really burnt-out. Most of the time lately I forget that I am in recovery from Adderall. Some days It helps to remind myself that I am still in recovery. Some days it’s good to just show up and do the next right thing and to make peace with however I am and however things are.

CONGRATULATIONS!! I’m excited for you and look forward to following your progress!!

Today is day 20. For the first time in a decade I've been sleeping like a teenager this week. Like 11 hours a night. It feels wonderful and like I can't get enough of it but at the same time I'm judging myself about it. When I was in my addiction and still married, I really judged my ex harshly for how late he slept. It was so unfair of me. I don't feel depressed or necessarily unmotivated, but with sheltering-in-place, working from home, and actually having the opportunity to rest and sleep this much, I guess my body is finally relaxing into getting some sleep after years of no sleep, or at least little quality sleep. My head has been feeling foggy, my eyes sleepy, and my brain isn't working so well, but that feels like a small price to pay right now. I've been feeling like life is so much simpler than I've made it out to be. I really don't need much.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! What an amazing story!! I am loving what you wrote—-> “What I really want to share with you all is that I believe my confidence and self-esteem has been a decent piece of what has been weighing me down mentally. Now that I know I’m not a fraud, because I can literally FEEL it within me, I know I can quit for good.” THAT IS SO TRUE!! Way to go!!!

Just saw this post. Kinna shocked because it looks like no one has replied to it? I don't know what it means to send "a letter to AA GSO" - can you elaborate?? -- but I do believe there is a HUGE need for an Adderallics Anonymous group of some sort. I've been to numerous 12-step groups over the years (OA, AA, Al-Anon) and have yet to find my tribe there, but I know I would still like to.

I don’t go to meetings, but would AA or NA meetings Be helpful? It is crazy that there aren’t Adderall Anonymous meetings on every corner!!!! There sure should be!

Yes it’s that one 53’

Intermittent fasting is also a great way to support your body as it heals from addiction and to find the “right” weight for your body. Our gut health plays a big role in everything and I’ve never been so aware of this as since I quit Adderall. My guts are often “funky” - starving or no appetite or bloated or constipated or diarrhea or just uncomfortable. I’ve also found that I feel better when I eat a plant-based diet. I’ve been doing that during the week and then on the weekends when I go out or visit with my boyfriend, I eat “whatever” just because it’s easier and I feel better not having any strict rules around food because I don’t want to trigger the disordered eating I’ve had in the past.

So you locked up the temazepam?

It has also helped me To realize that the minute I quit my body is already reacting and detoxing and working to function without the drugs. Watching the NOVA documentary ADDICTION really helped me orient to the science of The addicted brain and helped me be more gentle with myself. One thing in particular that struck me was learning that without the dopamine that the brain produces on its own when it’s functioning normally and without the over-release of it on stimulants, the human body simply lacks MOTIVATION. The concept that motivation is Produced by Brain chemistry and not moral character Had been helpful. Having no motivation is simply due to the lack of dopamine production in the brain. But the minute you quit the stimulants, the brain is working hard to recover. Intense cravings are also about brain chemistry, not moral character. So do what you can, But don’t expect too much from yourself, knowing every day your body IS working hard on your behalf to recover. Our job is to let it.

Today is Day 13. I'm realizing that in many ways, having had nearly 6 months of sobriety under my belt (albeit with 2 brief {a few days} relapses) has really helped. I was afraid that after this most recent relapse that I'd be back to square one in a much bigger way. This past week has been good. It's helped so much to be sheltering-in-place -- not having to get up, get ready, get out, battle traffic, go to the office, etc., etc. Working from home, I find it much easier to take good care of myself, and to use my down-time to walk, sit outside, read a book, etc. I feel like I'm managing to take each day as it comes and to be more accepting when I feel MEH. This week I have really felt a newfound sense of my self and an optimism about my ability to build the life I want for myself. It's been shocking in contrast to the Adderall DAZE. For the first time in a decade, I have been seeing that I am a pretty strong and that I am moving myself in the direction of the simple, clean, productive life I want. Things seem so much simpler. So much more manageable. This week I've had some energy and I've felt motivated. At the same time, I'm conserving my energy in that I'm being more thoughtful about what I want to use my time, energy, and resources for.

I'm doing 100% telehealth now and I have decided to close my literal office and continue doing only telehealth full-time. i just gave my office landlord notice today.

It’s a good point. And I concur: I’ve had some kind of compulsive behavior/addiction most of my life as well. Most of my life it was food. Compulsive overeating, then dieting and exercise. Then it switched to smoking and drinking and pot and then Adderall came on the scene and it was a game-changer.

BEAUTIFUL

It seems like every day i'm not on Adderall i do something i didn't think i could do without it, lol. Yesterday, my boyfriend and i decided to get out of the house and go for a long drive to get out of the city. we took my dog and since his crate and stuff is in my truck, i drove. I was really tired because i didn't sleep well the night before and I felt this big trigger of, "I NEED ADDERALL TO DO THIS!!!" Thankfully, I have no adderall and I was able to recognize that while the trigger FEELS VALID - feels true, I knew it was not true. I knew I COULD do the driving and navigate the day without Adderall. I have to make peace with the fear that somehow I, and the experience of the day, won't be as "FUN" or "EXCITING" to move past it, but I knew it was do-able. And it was. And it was good times.

OH! And apropos to this thread's title: Don't ask, "How are you?" Ask, "How are you TODAY?"

This is so weird. I just had my monthly Peer Group meeting with my counselor colleagues. We each take turns leading the meeting and presenting a training. I never know in advance what the training will be about. This morning is was on "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" !!!!! I related all of it to quitting Adderall. Here are some snippets: Meaning does not take away pain...it becomes a cushion for the pain Meaning does not equal understanding. Only you can find your own meaning. Meaningful connections will replace painful memories. Most of us will not find large scale meaning...there is meaning to be found in even the smallest moments if we look for it and make a point of creating it. People can get stuck in one emotion with no found meaning. People can remain stuck in their loss, becoming dedicated to it, making it the focus of their life, losing all other sense of purpose or direction. We falsely believe that in time your grief will get smaller. The reality is that you must get bigger. You grow around your grief. Mover from the WHY to the HOW...there is never a satisfying why.