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About growingupistheworst

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  1. All out.... so here we go!

    Day 5, i feel like a garbage person. I've slept nearly all weekend and ate a bag of Milanos cookies. Scared that this will be my life forever! I know I need structure this summer. I'm a runner, although haven't run in past few months, so I'm going to train for a race with my old running club to give me some accountability and motivation. Today though I feel like a garbage person and scared I'll never have true energy again.
  2. Boston

    I live in Boston and on day 2 of no vyvanse. I agree with what everyone said about AA, it's an amazing fellowship but I went for 2.5 years and struggled to relate often and eventually left. If anyone wants to meet up im in Brighton!
  3. All out.... so here we go!

    Day 2 and I'm feeling actually pretty good! I went to bed at 8pm last night and got 10 hours of sleep. I woke up in a complete sweat and felt like I had the flu but it passed by the time I got to work. I had a meeting this morning at 7:30am and I was functioning like a normal human and able to carry on a conversation without fucking word salad coming out of my mouth. I'm tired and a kind of shakey (too much caffeine?...) and don't totally feel like myself but I'm honestly doing much better than I thought I would (I mean yesterday was a fucking shit show) I wanted to post so that I can have this as a reference. Also i downloaded a sobriety tracker called "I am Sober" and it's pretty cool. Anyone else feel kinda shakey or have night sweats?
  4. All out.... so here we go!

    @DrewK15 Thanks for your reply. I'll try to stop alcohol for awhile, but the idea of completely giving up both right now is making me incredibly anxious. Trying to focus on one thing at a time, but I appreciate you sharing your experience. At my worst I was taking 3 40mg vyvanse over the course of a day. It sounds like it didn't get as bad as others stories on here, but it was only going to get worse and no way to live. I'll keep checking in, today has been totally shit and I feel so guilty and so much shame for not being productive at work. I'm planning a large event tomorrow, but the tasks aren't too difficult and I know being busy will keep me out of my screwed up head! I just need my school year to end ASAP so I can sleep forever. I'll be out two weeks from today and I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it.
  5. All out.... so here we go!

    I'm a 29 year old, female and was prescribed ritalin when I was 15 for ADHD. Classic story - it helped my grades improve, social life, I felt like I could do everything... I remember thinking that I need to figure out how to stay on this forever! Fast forward to 22, I was living in a big city and working a crazy job and abusing my script. Eventually, when I was 25 I quit my job and that's when things got dark. I was taking so much and drinking 1-2 bottles of wine every night to help me come down. I was in enough pain that I went to AA and stayed sober off everything for 2.5 years. I left the program because I didn't totally identify as an alcoholic and struggled with some of the rigidness of the program. I'm so grateful I went but after awhile I felt like I kind of got what I needed and wanted to try drinking again. My drinking hasn't been a problem until last year when I decided to play the ADHD card and get back on vyvanse. I took it as prescribed for 5 months and then when work got crazy I started double dosing and here we are. I've tried it all - giving the pills to my boyfriend, buying a lock box, ect. but I always find a way to get more. I officially told my doctor, therapist and boyfriend that I need to get off this shit, so now we're at day 1. Yesterday, I called out of work to take 3 vyvanse and drink a bunch of wine as my last "hurrah".... today I feel like absolute shit but i'm at work and trying to do as little as possible. I don't want to go back to 12-step because I don't want to be abstinent from everything. I'm hoping my drinking will get better when I'm not fucking high all the time. Fortunately, I work at a school and summer break is in 2 weeks, so I'll be able to sleep and get healthy again. My boyfriend has been INCREDIBLE and I have no idea how I got so lucky. My therapist also suggested meeting twice a week over the summer. I know I have the supports but I'm scared that I'll fall apart and turn into a vegetable. I definitely want to stay close to this forum because reading everyone's stories has helped me so much already. Any advice, suggestions or good vibes are appreciated
  6. My early recovery journey- 65days clean

    @m34 Thanks so much for the encouragement! I really appreciate and it makes me feel less alone. I'm definitely freaking out about how I'll feel tomorrow Day1 without my vyvanse, but I'll push through with a shit ton of iced coffee.
  7. Another relapse after almost 2 months! - so disappointed with myself

    Hey! Thanks for being so honest and sharing your struggles. I took my last 3 vyvanse this morning and my psychiatrist, therapist and boyfriend know everything so hopefully the jig is up. This is my second time quitting for real and I feel confident that I can do it because I was off for 3 years. I need to get off this shit because my life is so small right now. I totally identify with being socially awkward at work and not wanting to engage with people. I isolate a lot, even when I'm around people I retreat into my head. I'd love to know how you're doing now if you still check this post!
  8. My early recovery journey- 65days clean

    Thank you! This helps me a lot. My world feels so small right now because I've just been going to work and coming home to play computer games and watch tv and drink wine to help the come down. The next morning I take a pill to avoid the hangover. I took my last vyvanse (ok i took 3) and I'm officially out for REAL. I was honest with my psychiatrist, therapist and boyfriend, so I know I have support but obviously scared (well not right now because I took 3 vyvanse today so I actually feel nothing lolz, but I know I will be fucking terrified tomorrow) Anyways, your post was exactly what i needed to read so thank you!