tuneum

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Everything posted by tuneum

  1. I quit drinking about 4 days ago, and I pushed through the WDs and made it to day 2 without dying/seizing. I was starting to feel better that morning, so I took my regular dose of adderall- 40 mg in the morning, then, when that wore off, another 30, and another 30 after that, and a final 30 mg dose around 8 pm, topping it off at 130 mgs in total. Of course, what I was noticing throughout the day was that, after the initial high wore off, I was hit with a severe, crippling wave of depression/hopelessness/despair, and I could barely get myself to do any of the productive shit I /actually/ needed to do. When the end of the day came around, and when I realized that now I was going to have to endure a horrible, sleepless night/anxiety-filled day the next morning, I panicked; I needed this to stop, but I didn't have any way of coping with the comedown. I caved, and I bought more alcohol. Before I drank, however, I realized something: 1.) I have never successfully been able to take my adderall in moderation, no matter how convincingly I try to tell myself that I can, and 2.) that my depression gets unbearably bad when I'm dealing with the adderall COMEDOWNS, and that I've been using alcohol to deal with that for a long time now. Yesterday, I finally did what I've been trying to do for a long time; I flushed my pills (save for 5, which I said I'd save for 'emergencies', but which I promptly took the next day, like the idiot that I am). I faxed my doctor a statement saying that I was quitting and to please not prescribe me anymore, and I left it at that. Today, I feel myself regretting this decision. I haven't left my room for almost a month now-- I've been binge drinking and contemplating suicide and generally isolating, and I feel physically and mentally like the most disgusting piece of shit alive. I have no friends or family who support me, and I don't think I've spoken to a real person-- besides my therapist-- in months. I don't know if I can do this; I feel like fucking garbage, and I don't know how I'll have the energy to deal with the backlog of shit I've put off in the weeks I've been isolating without that adderall boost. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do/how to get help. That's all. I'm scared. I want to kill myself. Thank you for letting me rant.
  2. I've had to go through some long withdrawals (1-2 weeks) many times in the past, and the fatigue/exhaustion I experienced was just too severe for me to handle/function. I was sleeping 16+ hours most days, and caffeine pills/energy drinks did nothing to help. I'm able to get myself to do the bare minimum-- like taking a test for a class-- but was barely functional beyond that. I've been seeing a TON of posts from veterans here saying that tapering almost never works, and I don't want to be another failed tapering thread, so my question is this: why do you think tapering doesn't work? I want to just get off of this horrible drug now, but going cold turkey has consistently made me non-functional. I binge my adderall right now, so I'm also not sure how tapering would work, but am going to try Thanks for your help!
  3. October Month of Magic

    I took 130 mg today, and I've taken far more than that during my stupidly-short (yet not short enough) life span/relationship with this horrible drug. you are not alone, and I'm really happy that you are here/have posted ! I am non-binary, but I, like any other person of any gender (masculine/feminine/gender-fluid/non-binary.....), have also struggled with appearance/weight, so I completely understand that horrible, uncomfortable feeling of being without the drug that temporarily allows us to ignore our body dysmorphia/ED/our physical appearance !! Unfortunately, I have had to experience both physical withdrawal and 'adderall' withdrawal recently, and I am so glad that I have; nothing else puts the reality of quitting adderall into perspective quite like going through actual (meaning physical; not psychological) withdrawal . I think the scariest thing behind any addiction is not knowing who you will be / how to cope with the real world without a substance if you need a friend to talk through this / rant about the confusion and fear / just needing a friend ! , i'm here, and I hope we can be friends .i am sending you all of the biggest hugs i can muster . all of us will be okay , one day .
  4. Legitimately stuck and overwhelmed

    Where can I find the "5 signs you know you're ready to quit" that you mentioned in your post?
  5. Sober asf

    Yes! I literally lost the ability to even laugh-- I felt so drained of energy that just smiling was exhausting. It got to the point where I started responding to my partner's jokes with "I'm sorry-- that was funny, but I just don't have the energy to laugh right now" Good luck on your journey-- I am rooting for you.
  6. Legitimately stuck and overwhelmed

    Yes-- the boredom of life is something I'm still learning to sit with (like everyone else).
  7. Legitimately stuck and overwhelmed

    This broke me. Thank you so much for your post; I needed to be reminded of all of this. Wishing you all the best-- please reach out if you ever need a friend.
  8. Quitting adderall during quarantine

    do you mind if i ask how slow your taper was/how many weeks/months it has taken you?
  9. New York City, let's meet up

    I just moved to here, and am also new to the forum- have you found anything yet?
  10. Were you taking Wellbutrin to get off of adderall? I'm currently taking 2 150 mg wellbutrin pills a day as a way of staving off adderall withdrawal. Not sure if this is recommended/helpful, since I know it is KIND OF stimulating
  11. Ugh. I had an eating disorder for a very long time, and was, at one point, hospitalized. I had to go through a lot to get to the point where I was ok with my weight, but after starting a night job/turning 21, I started drinking almost every day, and gained way too much weight. I weigh your exact same weight. I'm 22, though, so I cant blame my metabolism, and feel really horrible about how I look now I knew I was getting fat, but this was a punch in the gut
  12. Jesus, I seriously can't imagine 11 months of that I want to quit, but I not only cannot afford to lay in bed for 11 months, but I seriously think I would rather kill myself than go through this for so long
  13. This, to me, is the most terrifying part of quitting, and I'm not sure I can do it. I feel like such shit without adderall that every waking moment is just miserable. I seriousky can't handle that for 3.5 months. I also know that I had a major depressive disorder before the adderall, so what happens when the adderall withdrawal depression is gone? I'll just go back to feeling regularly depressed, but this time, I wont have adderall to make it any more bearable
  14. Your comments about "getting fat" seem to suggest that weight gain is an unavoidable reality when quitting adderall, which, for people with body dysmorphia/related mental health issues, can be a terrifying prospect. I'd love to hear from others who went a diff. route / made a significant effort to not gain weight Also, I have no idea how to cut my doctors off. It's a walk-in clinic, so I get a new one every time, but they're just so lax and care so little that they legitimately will continue prescribing to me if I come back next month and say I "changed my mind" and I "dont think now is the right time to quit"