DelaneyJuliette

Man I relate to this sooooo much. And you know what's funny... somehow I haven't linked my weight gain to stopping adderall! wtf?! LOL. I cannot believe I didn't connect those two. I used to be bulimic and adderall is what got me to stop binging (like 15 years ago) and I've recovered from my eating disorder since then (I had 8 years sober before) but i literally didn't connect those 2 this time. (I'm on day 9 lol!) Oh well... what I know is that I'd rather have my body than be dead and not have one at all. How is it going with the friend thing? The first time I got sober I was in AA so I made new friends in there... this time I'm married with 4 kids so that keeps me busy... and I have some friends from work who are also therapists so I can turn there... I do feel like I don't know how to meet new people sober though -- bc it seems like everyone i meet is on something.

I totally want to watch that.

I'm nowhere near NYC but if I was I'd go with you!! I used to be in AA about 10 years ago and I actually went back to an AA meeting once last week and I didn't hate it! LOL. It's funny how much I absolutely hated it while I was no longer "sober." I still don't want it to be like it was back 10 years ago for me, but I am not closed off too it anymore and going back felt really comforting, familiar and helpful.

@eric thank you SO much for thinking about me!! That literally made my day!! I am doing well!! I am on Day 9. I decided to start my day count over 9 days ago. I had a terrible cold a couple of weekends ago while on a trip with my daughter and I didn't have any cold meds (and I had to drive 5 hours) but I did have some old Ritalin in my purse so I took that to get me through. It worked, and interestingly I didn't feel anything other than awake, but I'm super proud of myself for recognizing the pattern early. Even though at the time I didn't feel anything other than awake, looking back, I am totally able to see how it changed my perspective on things. I ended up buying so much more than I needed to or would have if I hadn't been on it, and I also waaaay over-scheduled us b/c I was ready to just keep going and going.... (even though I was so sick!!) I sure paid for that on Monday and had to take most of the week off work b/c the cold got so bad. No more of that for me! I've been dealing with a TON of anxiety since then but it's getting a little better. I still am so overwhelmed at all of the things I "need to get done" and "don't have time to do" but I also realize that I wouldn't have "more time" on adderall, even though it felt like it. I so relate to what you are talking about re: waking up at 4:30am and not falling back to sleep! On monday i woke up at 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep, and come 8pm I was a ZOMBIE and I couldn't figure out why I felt so bad! It reminds me of a post someone made on here before where they said something like, "I keep finding myself asking, 'What's wrong with me?!' and then I remember 'OMG i just quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey a couple of months ago!'" That sticks with me so much and I keep reminding myself of that. I feel better now too. U rock.

Wanna know something funny? I actually have this book. Of course I have never picked it up, but I ordered it once in one of my anxiety frenzies of trying to "do all the things" and "get all the things in order." OMG i am so overwhelmed right now. I have been up since 4am with my mind racing with anxiety. That's almost 3 hours. I got up so I wouldn't keep laying there spinning thinking that I would get things done and I haven't gotten anything done and it's about to be time to get my kids ready for school. I started watching this video and then I can't decide if THAT is the best use of my time. Will this stop?! I know it will and it can. Breathe.

Thank you for that @m34, it so so so so helps knowing that other people are going through the same thing. How do you listen to Mel Robbins - is there a link? I think that's probably a silly question but I haven't heard of her and I don't really know how to listen to podcasts LOL. I am only 37 but it is one of the technology things that overwhelms me! I do have spotify so maybe through that... anyway, i still haven't started the letter from Thursday. Lol, I will be accountable about it on here.

This is so interesting to me that it isn't just me! Lol! I "feel" like I can't get ahold of budgeting without adderall, but actually when I am on it I spend SO MUCH MORE money than I do when I'm not!

Okay so I know it's only Day 6 for me (I keep feeling like I need to explain for those who don't know that I had 27 days, then 3 day lapse, then 2 weeks, then 4 day lapse.) Not needing to explain in order to "qualify" my clean time, but rather b/c to clarify that this Day 6 feels a world different than the first Day 6. The first Day 6 was still AWFUL. This time I am much much much better, but I think b/c of that I am still being a bit too hard on myself. Here's my dilemma -- I own my own business and so I have work I have to do outside of "work hours." (Granted, I am now seeing that I probably need to find a way to schedule that work INTO work hours in the future, but that's not right now.) Anyway, I have never been good at doing things at night b/c I get really tired so I just go to bed. (I used to be able to "get it done" with Adderall though... except of course when that resulted in me staying up all night and still not finishing it, lol.) So for example, I absolutely HAVE to write this letter for a client. It will probably take about an hour. I couldn't bring myself to do it yesterday. I couldn't get started. So I got a babysitter and made plans to do it last night. I was too tired. (Or at least I told myself I was.) I came home early and went to bed at like 9pm and got up at 4:30am in order to do it. (Which has worked in the past.) Well, fast forward to 7:08am and I still haven't started and now it's time to get the kids up and everyone off to school before my first appointment at 8:30am. And I am booked back to back until 8:15pm. UGH. I think this is just part of a larger ADD issue I really do have, but it feels exacerbated off the meds. I'm not going to take meds to deal with it, but I just wanted to share my frustration. B/c the procrastinating is making me more anxious and filled with dread (and honestly I am procrastinating b/c I am scared of it and I don't exactly know how to do the letter or what I am supposed to say so it feels really overwhelming...) Okay... well I'm going to give up on it for right now and aim to do it tonight at 8:15. And if that is just not realistic, than I will again go to bed early and wake up early in the morning again tomorrow to do it. I have to have it in tomorrow afternoon. But it's okay. One thing at a time. I can do this. Breathe.

Good morning Day 6! I am making it a habit to check this forum once a day; morning seems to work best for me. I am anxious in the mornings largely b/c there is SO MUCH TO DO and I can't get myself to do it! But, life goes on and I get it done somehow. Or I don't. I would like to add back in reading for fun or even watching tv. But it's only day 6, so it's okay to just be where I am.

I relate to this SOOOOO MUCH!!!! Everything took forever even though I told myself I was being "more productive"! Now I just can't seem to get started on the "thing." It's very frustrating. I know it would take a lot less time than before if I actually focused and did it, but I can't seem to get started. Grrr...

Hi!! I totally relate to this post (even though I'm at day 5 right now, I had 6 years substance free at one point) and I was going to respond and then I realized that you wrote this in 2018!! So I'm just wondering if you have any update! How are you doing?! I have worked with several ADHD coaches and found them all to be helpful in different ways. I'm still in the process of creating systems to be most effective, but I went back down the rabbit hole with Adderall and ended up stalling out on all the systems I had begun to effectively put in place 2.5 years ago. It's okay though, I know I will slowly and steadily make progress. Hope you are well!

Anxious

THANK YOU!!

I do relate to your post Smhjen. I am like that too a lot of the time. I fill my time up with lots of things that stimulate me, and sometimes I can see it as a fun way my mind works. Like, I get to learn about lots of things! I make a list of all the things I want to look up, etc., so when I'm watching the tv show and get bored, I can google the thing I had found interesting (maybe it's just a song I want to know the lyrics to!) and then I never feel like I'm wasting time b/c I'm constantly doing things I'm interested in. However, I have also found it beneficial to do yoga, because it has helped my mind learn how to be calm and still sometimes (like little brief moments in the week, LOL!) I started with hot yoga b/c that was the only type that was physically challenging enough that could actually get me to concentrate on what I was doing without my mind wandering everywhere (as much.) I have no idea if what I do will be helpful for you, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. And in the meantime, embrace your superpower! (P.S. I also figured out that stopping drinking helped in the long run. I like Annie Grace's book Naked Mind and her website.)

Eric, thank you so much for reaching out. It literally made my day to get your message. I feel a bit silly writing this, but sometimes when I post here and no one responds I feel lonely. Rationally I know that it doesn't mean that people aren't here, supporting me, going through similar things, but emotionally I still feel it sometimes, lol. Today is day 5 and right now I'm really anxious. I tend to feel really anxious in the mornings. I'm just super overwhelmed with too much to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay. Just one thing at a time.