DelaneyJuliette

You're completely right, and I need to come up with a solution. Alcohol isn't an issue b/c I stopped drinking years ago (except for that margarita, lol.) The problem is that my husband has scripts for all of those things. He doesn't take them addictively like I do though. He knows what I am doing, except he doesn't know about this most recent lapse. I think I need to buy a lock box and put any meds he has in there and have it be a passcode that only he knows so that I don't have any option to have access to them. To my pleasant surprise, today was not hard like I expected it to be. I am so grateful that I just had that "done" feeling again after sleeping for an hour. However, I can already feel myself starting to convince myself why I would benefit from taking something to sleep. Ahhhh! Wow I really have issues. I was fine all day until just now and I'm like... it's the end of the day, I'm going to bed soon... OMG i am so ashamed. I just took a klonapin. (I am only ashamed b/c I am telling on myself, not because I did it.) Don't know why I felt the need to share that but it felt relevant. I did it b/c I didn't like feeling that craving (I know how to ride it out) and I justified to myself that this really is my last one so it's okay. OMG the self justification and rationalization and lies to myself are unreal! Okay I am not waiting until I buy a lock box. I am going to get all the meds tonight and have my husband take them to work with him tomorrow. I don't think I'll be tempted tomorrow, but I'm not messing around with this shit anymore.

Man oh man i can 100% relate. I was so proud of myself - almost 30 days sober from the main culprits - adderall and tomazepam - (but i also wasn't taking my occasional klonapin or opioid either. The first 2 weeks were literal hell. I was finally starting to feel really really good. Then I went home over Christmas and all was well... I went to lunch with an old friend who ordered a margarita and I wanted to have one too. So I did. (And I actually know drinking isn't my problem.) But what happened is that I didn't like the way I felt but it lit up that seeking system and all I wanted was to go back to feeling how I used to feel. So I went home and took a bunch of adderall and temazepam, etc. I am really embarrassed bc I barely remember anything and I know some people were really worried about me... So, I had a 3 day lapse over xmas. then I got back on the band wagon and have been 17 days sober, and really feeling balanced. The anxiety has been subsiding and I am seeing how I don't need adderall. then Tuesday at work, idk what the fuck i was thinking but I just wanted to "feel differently." I had a client I didn't feel like talking to and she's easier to deal with when I don't care about anything, so i searched the drawers and found some old tramadol. Took those, and then immediately took adderall and klonapin. so of course i just let that bleed over into Wednesday and now I'm fucking up all night and don't want to go to work tomorrow, Thursday. I might actually not go. But it's so insideous b/c i really really really thought i was done! ugh!!!! okay, so what i have learned is that i need to be accountable on here. I am going to start posting every day. Like it's just a thing to do. B/c now that I'm back close to it again, I feel myself waivering about whether i should take it tomorrow (today) or not. I WILL NOT. I am supposed to get up in an hour. I really feel like taking my meetings by phone and skype today and not going in. I am going to choose that. BUT i have to recognize that i can do this one hour at a time. I have to go back to that place i was before where i remember that i am overcoming a major addiction so i cannot be too hard on myself or bite off more than i can chew. Breathe. I can do this.

I relate to this so much. I'll post a bigger post elsewhere, but shortcut - I was 27 days sober - 3 day lapse over xmas - then 17 days sober, then Tuesday, idk what the fuck i was thinking, so of course i just let that bleed over into today. Anyway, how i relate is that i spent 3 hours picking out my son's friend's bday present on etsy. What the literal fuck. My kids didn't get to bed until midight because of this ridiculousness.

Ha! I had read your post before but this line didn't sink in before. I love "adderall induced OCD behaviors" -- that is EXACTLY what I did. I thought I was just "getting stuff done" but I didn't realize that I was taking on stuff I never would have taken on off of the adderall!

I made it to NC without using!

Still packing...

My husband takes it per his prescription (he doesn't misuse it or over use it) so thats why I still "have it." I haven't packed yet. I feel totally paralyzed. I know it will all be okay though and having made it through last night I am not going to take any now. Ugh, man though, i wish i could push a magic button and be packed.

Okay, I made it through! That was seriously the closest call I've had so far. I kept telling myself that 5mg wouldn't be a problem. That the reason it had gotten so bad was b/c I was comining the benzos and adderall. That I am legitimately prescribed it. That it has been enough time so that I would actually feel 5mg again and I wouldn't have to take more. That I would only take it to help me pack and then it would wear off and I would go to bed. In those moments it felt inevitable that I would return to taking Adderall again at some point, in some small irregular amount, so I kept hearing myself justify, "why not tonight then? it would make things so. much. easier." BUT I DIDN'T. I am so grateful that I didn't. I didn't pack. I just hung out with my kids and went to bed. (And OMG, my daughter learned to ride her bike without training wheels in that time, even though I didn't pack!) I feel bad b/c the kids are going to be disappointed that we didn't leave in the middle of the night (and I have no idea what time we will actually be able to make it out of the house today - I still feel overwhelmed with all the tasks ahead of me) BUT what I know is that i just weathered another huge trigger. I just made another milestone. I can do this. And, maybe I borrow from AA for a moment and tell myself that I just am not going to do it today. I can borrow from the sober curious movement and tell myself that I'm doing an experiment where I go without any ADD meds for a year. Just a year, and then I can re-evaluate. (I think that will help me get through the self-justification talk that "it's not like I'm going to go the rest of my LIFE without ever taking it again, so why not now?" (and fyi, i commit that i won't go a full year and decide to take it again without posting here first.) actually i wonder if i can commit to myself that before taking it ever i post here first. That's an interesting thought. I feel like if i get back into that "i'm def going to do it" space, telling this forum first will NOT be pleasant. I want to commit to that.

I'm on Day 11. I just want to cry. I'm still supposed to pack up me and 4 kids and leave to have my husband drive 16 hours to visit my parents for the holidays. We were supposed to leave at 4:30pm today and I still haven't started packing and it's 7:30pm. I don't know what is wrong with me. (Oh yeah... as someone posted a week or so ago... I guess I keep forgetting that I just kicked a 10 year adderall addiction cold turkey.) My husband is in a super bad mood b/c he is overtired and when he gets like this he takes it out on me. I am so angry at him b/c all I want is his support and I know that is not a place I can get support right now. Okay, I can do this. I can do this.

HEY!!! I'm here!!! Today is Day 11. Oh my goodness this has been the craziest 7 days since I last posted. On Saturday I tried to take a Gabapentin to help with the anxiety and it totally put me into this super weird zoned out space and I felt like I was totally on something. I didn't like it but it totally made me want to say F it and use. I didn't. I had a lock in for my daughter's bday and I stayed up til 3am with a bunch of 7-11 year olds. I couldn't sleep and only got about 30 min of sleep but I made it through. Then I made it through the next day feeling sick and icky. Then I made it through the busiest week at work and was actually way less triggered than I thought I would be. I was so anxious I was running on fumes, and in a weird way that was helpful b/c I was expecting to be in that exhausted, groggy, can't think space. I still couldn't think clearly but at least I had energy lol. Several days I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep. Interestingly, today has been the hardest day I have had so far as far as urges go. We were supposed to leave to drive 16 hours over the night tonight to get to my parents house for the holidays. (I'm not driving; my husband is.) I literally almost took a 5mg pill a few minutes ago. I didn't; I came on here instead. I've been meaning to sign on here a bunch of times and post, but I just haven't. I will commit to doing it more often, b/c even just now, after posting, I'm sure again that I'm not going to do it. And then I just spent 15 minutes mindlessly scrolling through the internet and now I'm having another huge craving. It's because again I have too much that I need to do in too little time. But it's not worth it. I find myself telling myself that there is NO WAY i am going to abuse it; i am only going to take 5mg so I can get this stuff done. All I need to do is pack and get in the car. There's already NO WAY to leave tonight and honestly no way to realistically leave tomorrow morning. FUCK. I'm so frustrated!!! UGH. Okay, this doesn't really matter. What does matter is all of the stuff i have posted about before. My kids, my health, my life, etc. I can do this. I won't give in. I'll check back on here and stay accountable; I promise. Honestly one main reason that I haven't given in is this forum. (Also, I do NOT want to go through that withdrawal again!!! I am still in the withdrawal -- which is so crazy to me -- how is something with such a short half life still fucking me up 11 days later?!?! Oh, maybe b/c I used it for 8 years and badly abused it for ab 5 of those years...?) But it's not as bad as it was 9 days ago so that's a relief.

I relate to this SO much. I promise to myself that I will post on here before seeking out a new script. I have posted on here when I felt like giving in (today is only day 6) but I am glad you wrote this b/c I remember what it was like when I quit before. I too, have been on these meds for a decade, but I had a period where I stopped for a few years and everything got better. (Until I convinced myself that I could take Adderall and not misuse it - and I got another script.) And, you know the rest of the story... lol (I did control my usage and it worked - until I didn't and it didn't - then I slowly made my way right back to the same place I was in when I quit the first time, only substituting my script for benzos instead of alcohol. Lots and lots and lots of anxiety trying to get stuff done, but I am trying hard to go easy on myself, be kind to myself and do the minimum. This is going to be an insanely busy weekend and then I'm back to work on Monday from 9am til 9pm. But I can do it. Just one thing at a time. Breathe...

Important for me to remember. I KNOW this, but I need to say it over and over and over to myself. Today is day 6! I'm really doing it!

I have to keep telling myself this over and over.

I said no do doing a phone session with a client today! (It was even asked as a favor by a friend/colleague.) That was a big deal. I felt all the feels... financial insecurity, guilt, etc. etc. And had like an hour and a half of self-talk back and forth after she asked me, lol, but ultimately stuck to my guns. I'm proud of myself!

Well I am very glad that I could make an impact on you too! It's interesting b/c I have a love/hate relationship with sobriety dates. On one hand, they help keep me sober. On the other hand, they make a slip up turn into a big fuck it. I was in AA for those years (I really should figure out how long it actually was... I notice I keep saying different numbers of years, but I honestly don't remember. It was somewhere between 6 and 8 ... oh wait my son is 8... so maybe it was 5 years??) Wow I really have a distorted sense of time in general lol. Anyway, what preciptated the slip was that I convinced myself it wasn't a slip. I legit do have ADD so I convinced myself that it would be fine to take ADD meds as prescribed. And I did. Until I didn't. The 6 years (or 5 years?! LOL) was great. And when I look back, I can remember that I was able to do all of the things off of Adderall that I did on it. But I could never get off of it again for good once I was on it. I absolutely LOVE smart recovery. Def start a meeting if you can! There are no in person smart meetings near me, but I do online ones sometimes. I have a love/hate relationship with 12 steps lol. I don't plan to go back to the program, but I don't dislike it so much anymore either. I know what works from the program and I am implementing that in my own life. Including accountability and connection. I do wish there was an easy way to be around a bunch of other sober people other than 12-steps, but it is what it is. I am also an addiction therapist (among a million other types of therapy i do, not only substance abuse) but that is ironic as well lol. or not actually. b/c no one doing substances is actually unique -- when we're using, we're predictable (including thinking we're unique). I honestly don't mean to sound like I am judging anyone else -- anyone can be however they want to be. I'm only speaking about me and what I've learned. I sometimes get scared that I sound like I am projecting how "other people are" and b/c that has been done to me for so much of my life I am very sensitive to it.