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DelaneyJuliette

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Everything posted by DelaneyJuliette

  1. Oh goodness no!!! Ayahuasca is a super-intense experience that you do within a ceremony setting (usually with a shaman/medicine person from or trained in another country; there's all this lineage like yoga instructors.) You don't have to believe in all the spiritual stuff around it to feel the benefits. It's extremely uncomfortable, and even though the results are long-lasting, going through it is painful (physically and emotionally.) It usually makes you throw up, and there is a LOT of surrendering. It's different for every person, and even taking the same ayahuasca one night after the next creates a completely different experience depending on what you "need." I don't personally believe so much in the "mama aya knows what you need" stuff, and more in the science of it, but that's just how my brain works. There is literally no way you could become addicted b/c you can't function after having taken it. I think the whole experience of taking 3-5 days off and being in nature without electronics around the ceremony is helpful too. And you have to taper off all meds to go on the retreat so that is a positive step for the adderall quitting. Like motivation to taper and then once you're stopped it's waaaay easier to stay stopped. I don't even know that you could get ayahuasca to take yourself in a non-ceremony/retreat type setting. You really wouldn't want to. The first time I went, I had a journal filled with notes of, "Oh my gosh that was awful and I never ever ever want to do it again." (But of course, after about six months, I found that I did in fact want to do it again. I felt... called to it. Which I had heard people saying before I did it "you'll hear the call" and I thought that was suuuuuch bullshit, but I actually know what that means now. It's like... this gnawing thought that keeps coming back and you figure out a way to make it happen. It's weird. But it's so amazing.) I did it with Kambo first, which is a frog secretion that is poison that is put on your skin and it makes you throw up a ton. I realize how freaking nuts I sound writing this, but I'm telling you, I am a different person. It's amazing. It is NOT a miracle cure, but it is a level of change I just haven't been able to reach through just traditional therapy. (And I've done ALLLLL the therapies... as I actually AM a psychotherapist so I just want to experience anything that could work!) I see it as being something that I may do once a year for awhile, as a "reset" and then probably less and less as time goes on. I'd recommend you do some research on it. If you want to come to FL ever (or TX or CA) I highly recommend Taita Pedro Davila as a facilitator. He usually serves the medicine in conjunction with another group. The retreats function as churches, which is how the medicine is legal. And honestly, I get really why they call it medicine. I could NOT get past just calling it drugs for the longest time (b/c it is just other drugs) but this is a very different experience than anything I've ever done. (And I've done all the drugs too lol.) The intentionality of it all, the ceremony, the nature, the being truly with yourself... I am a better therapist, a better mom, a better wife. I'm so much more able to recognize patterns and just rise above them and zoom out vs. getting all hooked in them. Of course I am always a work in progress, but truly this has changed my life. There is a series on netflix called "How to Change your Life" where the narrator goes through experimenting with different psychadelics - mushrooms, LSD, ayahuasca, and it's very informative. If you want to DM me about other specifics feel free to. (Or just ask here b/c I'm pretty much an open book lol.) I know alllll about addiction switching (I was a full blown adderall/cocaine/alcohol addict for years, then got sober in AA for 5 years, then convinced myself I could use adderall as prescribed, then found myself back in the SAME EXACT CYCLE only with adderall and benzodiazepines instead of alcohol. It was nuts. This is not that. But of course this is just my experience and doesn't at all mean it is right for everyone. A very good friend of mine got clean off of Heroin as a result of ayahuasca and there are many other stories I also know. Actually many people I met have a drug abuse history/ have been in/ are active in AA and/or NA. Again, I am just speaking to my experience, but it has just been so powerful that I felt like it wouldn't be right NOT to share my experience. (And then anyone can take or leave what lands or what doesn't for them!)
  2. I'd be happy to expand! What specific questions do u have? I've done 3 ayahuasca retreats since last October and my whole life has changed for the better. I'm not saying that it is anything of a miracle cure, but numerous Studies have shown efficacy in changing people's relationships to addictiction, and i know it worked thatvway for me! My "addictvself" died, metaphorically. I'd personally recommend looking into it. It wasn't something I would ever thought I'd do until my kids were grown and away but man am I glad that is not the path I chose.
  3. I am just grateful to be hearing from you so open and vulnerable. This is super random but Ayahuasca changed my whole relationship with Adderall. No idea why I am feeling called to say that right now but I thought I'd put it out there.
  4. Keep posting and stay strong. You are telling on yourself ahead of time which is HUGE
  5. I was off since 9/17 and then had a day slip on 12/13 and it is CRAZY how mental this is. I felt like I HAD it this time. So I highly recommend getting rid of everything. My journey is long and winding (I had 5 years off at one point) but each time I fall down I am getting right back up bc I know my relationship with this drug is over. I may have answered the phone once after a few months but now I'm just stronger in my resolve and more clear about the factors that led up to me doing so. We got this!
  6. I had a 1.5 day adderall relapse Sunday afternoon thru Monday at ab 11pm where I stayed up all night but I stopped then and went to sleep. Didnt take anything yesterday. It was awful and have a lot of feelings that I let that happen. I was so scared I was gonna lose all I've gained since stopping 3 months ago. But I didn't. So nuts though how I got so trapped by it again in just one day (after 3 months of being off) It was insane. That was scary. I am shaky from the experience but still coming back into being solid. I guess I am grateful for it bc it super solidified how much I do not EVER want adderall in my life again.
  7. you can.do this! after many.quits im finally done! almost 3 months now. it does get better. cravings go away one.of 2 ways. we give in and they go away and then come back x3 or we wait and surf the urge and.it goes away. the more we do that the easier it gets. google "surf the urge" and read a bunch of things on that to distract yourself. try an.online smart trcovery meeting. listen to a recovery podcast or a quitlit book. anything to.pass the time and put more time betweenyou and the pills.
  8. Anything we can do to get user "Buy Adderall Online from Canada" off of here? It makes me sad b/c I would have messaged this person in my desperate days...
  9. I'm finishing day 9 right now. I am committed.
  10. It's just been too long of this shit. But I don't quite think I have created a life yet that is sustainable without adderall so I think that's the main issue for me rt now.
  11. I have so much to say about this. But not enough time to write it all. Off adderall I can achieve a sense of calm and inner peace I can discern what is a priority and what isn't I don't talk "at" people and I am more curious about actually observing my surroundings and attuning to others. On adderall: Don't have to be scared I'll suddenly get too tired to finish the day My morning anxiety ab facing the day is gone I can get tasks done that otherwise sit on my to do list for years This is just a little fraction of thoughts; i have much more, but i dont have time to write more now
  12. I've quit dozens of times and if the relapse was pretty short and I had some sobriety before that it was never as bad as the beginning. I've come on here dozens of times and said "I'm back!" only to relapse again. But I'm committed to this journey, it's just not what I thought it was going to look like. Right now I'm taking less than prescribed but still taking it. I know that it won't last this way.
  13. "... On the dark side; I hardly ever got 8 hours of sleep, I stayed up all night on far too many occasions, pushed people away, I was extremely emotional, and made many horrible, stupid choices while on adderall. But I often wish I could go back to the honeymoon stage of amphetamine addiction." No truer words for me have ever been spoken.
  14. I'd love to help you think through a plan -- what makes sense as a place to start?
  15. Great to hear from you Drew. Thanks for checking back in! Wondering what has you wanting to get off the Lamictal? Are you replacing it with another medication or just going to try being without it?
  16. I'm so glad you are here TeacherCoach. You probably don't know me but if you search my posts you will see I've been on and off around clean and not clean for years. Well, I'm finally back! I'm so happy b/c this journey has been so long and hard. I'm not saying "I've arrived" just saying that after having 5 months then relapsing then 6 months then relapsing then 4 months then relapsing, etc etc etc, i am finally at a place where I can see that everything is going to be okay. I know what life is like off of adderall and it's really amazing. But it fucking SUCKS getting there. But it is do-able. This site has been my lifeline. Over a year ago I printed out everything on the home page and carried it around with me to read when I needed to know that there was hope. I can't even believe I'm able to write this right now b/c just 2 weeks ago I was trapped again. I am able to zoom out and see the vicious vicious cycles. Quitting has not been easy or a straight line. But it can be done. I relate very much to your predicament of being a teacher b/c I am a therapist. I had myself convinced that I couldn't be a good therapist without adderall. It is so not the case. In the past I also was addicted to alcohol and then after 5 years off of alcohol and adderall I turned back to adderall and got addicted to adderall and benzos. I see the patterns. I just wanted to give you hope, and know that there is another side. Even if you can't see it right now, know that it exists. Keep coming back here!!!
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