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Everything posted by DelaneyJuliette

  1. I wish for more connection...

    I wish for more connection specifically with dealing with quitting adderall... I love this forum... I wish it had meetings or something attached to it. I go to other meetings but there is something that feels so calming about being with other people who are in the same boat. Just saying. I am struggling.
  2. Lawyer Trying to Quit Vyvanse - Any Advice?

    I like my job but I am overcommitted and I don't know how to decrease it right now. And it's not sustainable without adderall. I keep trying but it's too much. So then I give in to the adderall. Ugh.
  3. Lawyer Trying to Quit Vyvanse - Any Advice?

    could not relate to all of this more. stuck in the vicious cycle.
  4. I wish for more connection...

    We are in the process of setting up a zoom meeting - more details to come when we figure it out.
  5. To fill or not to fill

    I have this struggle regularly
  6. I wish for more connection...

    I love NVC. I live by it.
  7. Zoom Meetup

    Okay this is awesome! We have 6 of us who are interested in doing zoom meetings! Now we just need to brainstorm the best way to set this up. Should we DM phone numbers/emails and then start an email thread where we choose a day and time? We could solidify things there like the structure, etc. If anyone has a better idea than starting an email list, let me know! I'm down, though... I mean... if I really want to beat this thing, I gotta trust a program. In AA or NA, you see people there and we just go on the honor principle that who you see here what you hear here let it stay here. So, I'm down for just trusting that process with a small group of you guys meeting on zoom as well. DM me your number or email and we'll get started!
  8. Zoom Meetup

    I've been having great success with using zoom for other meetings during COVID, and since there doesn't happen to be anyone in my local area anyway, I had the idea that maybe one or two or a few of you would be interested in meeting up via zoom. Let me know if there's any interest!
  9. I wish for more connection...

    I could not relate more. I stopped checking it regularly and I want to get back to that.
  10. 12 Step Programs

    Oh my goodness! I was feeling a bit vulnerable when no one had responded, (which is TOTALLY okay) but I just logged on and saw your response! (For some reason new responses don't consistently pop up in my email.) So I am definitely interested... sleepysober.... you may be the only one who has said they definitely want to! Should we go forward anyway? What format do we want? Do we want to agree on a day and time? We could always try it and have a meeting to iron out the details with those who are interested...
  11. 2 Years Speed Free

    This is very inspiring to read. Thank you. I know it will happen for me. I've been there. I just have to get back there again.
  12. 12 Step Programs

    By "a letter to AA GSO" that would be to the general service office of alcoholics anonymous which could be a first step in getting a new 12 step fellowship for adderall officially formed. However, I'd need to do some research, b/c I don't actually know that all the other "A" groups have gone through AA... like, I think CA and SA etc. formed on their own and formed ultimately their own main offices. But I'm just going from memory, I could be wrong. Anyway, I'm not opposed to going the official route as Sleepy was mentioning (whatever the official route turns out to be) but I am also interested in forming a tribe faster than I believe a formal organization could form. We could follow the literature of NA (or another program) if we wanted but just know that we are all in the same boat. Just thoughts.
  13. 12 Step Programs

    Wow, this This is exactly what I was posting when I posted the thread "I wish for more connection" the other day! I felt embarrassed after I posted it b/c since only one person responded about trying 12 steps (thanks LuLamb!!) I told myself the story that no one really seemed to share the sentiment (which I realize that you articulated much more articulately!) I too have been to AA, NA, OA, ACA, Al-Anon, EA, EDA, and CODA. I was sober in AA for 8 years. But I am also jealous b/c alcohol isn't my thing. My thing has always been adderall. When I said I wish for more connection, I meant that I wanted to be able to talk directly about the actual stuff I'm dealing with instead of talking around it like you mentioned so as to not disrupt their singleness of purpose. I've tried Smart Recovery which I like, but there are no local meetings for me. I recently found a group I've been participating in via zoom called Recovery Dharma that I've been really enjoying - it is comprised of people from all different programs who come together. It is buddhist based but you don't have to be buddhist. (It's a breakoff from Refuge Recovery.) I am unaware of any actual Adderalics Anonymous meetings - LuLamb I thought u were joking before when you mentioned that. However, right before I read this post, I actually made a new post in the "Location" tab where I put "Zoom Meeting" because I wanted to gauge interest in whether or not anyone was interested in meeting up via zoom. I have formed a small book study with the Dharma Recovery group and it's very powerful (but again, no one is talking about the actual same issue as me.) I am up for a letter to AA GSO, but I feel like that is a more long term endeavor... I'm wondering if anyone wants to make that connection happen now, perhaps as we pursue that route (or not.) We could do a zoom meeting and pick a text to follow. Like... it could be 12 step based or not. I am an addiction therapist so i have a gazillion really great books on different themes and topics that could be good to go through together... I'd be open to so many things... I'd just love the ability to talk out loud to people struggling with this same actual issue. I feel a bit vulnerable putting this out there (perhaps it is the anonymonity of this forum that draws most people to it and a zoom meeting would feel too invasive...) I don't know, I just long for some structure of a program focused on my actual drug of choice and I feel like we could do it formally, yet "unofficially" in the begginning. (Unofficially meaning not through AA's General Service Office.) I'm rambling. Done.
  14. I love this. I want so desperately to simplify my life. But... i love learning, i have a fear of missing out, i have trouble making decisions and I have difficulty saying no.
  15. I wish for more connection...

    Thanks for this. I was in AA for 8 years and just got kinda burnt out. I recently joined Recovery Dharma and have been liking that a lot. I did a zoom NA the other day and that was good. I appreciate the connection.
  16. Chronic fatigue and apathy

    I want to watch that. I "know" all of those things but I need to be reminded. I googled "NOVA documentary addiction" but I came up with more than one thing. Would you be able to tell me which specific one you watched? Is it just through youtube? I see that through amazon prime (which I have) I can get "NOVA: Addiction - Season 1" Is that it? 53 min long?
  17. Locked up the main trigger

    Yes. Day 2 of it locked up.
  18. Locked up the main trigger

    So, I am having my true journey in baby steps. I have come to recognize (duh) but everytime I take a temazpem (to chill out and not fee so anxious, that will eneviablley lead to me snorting adderall. So my first commitment, that I am making publicly, with my therapist, and out loud in a small support group. So tonight was a big deal. i shared ky smaill bookie study and have accountability. We shall see.
  19. Seven Years

    I was hit hard today by PAWS too... but I gave in. I was so close to not to, but for some reason... I wasn't able to make my intention strong enough to overcome my self-destructive tendencies. I am frustrated, but posting on here, so that is a positive.
  20. Ambivalence

    So... I had a month off of all this crap and it was great. And now I've had about 4 months back on it and it was great at the beginning and it has become not great again, like always. The first time around, this forum was a godsend. I literally donated the second I found it b/c I knew it was exactly what I needed. I read posts every day and posted almost every day. But I have been avoiding it for a few months b/c I am still in ambivalence. And I'm not sure if that's allowed. Or, I'm sure it is on some level, but I fear that I need to be committed before I post. But I'm doing it anyway b/c I feel like this forum is the closest any group has ever come to understanding my struggle. I did great for that month (I mean, it was hard, but I was free.) But now I feel like I don't have a life that allows me to be without stimulants. A part of me is aware that that way of thinking is old addict justification. But a part of me thinks I'd have to change my life so drastically I don't know if I could do it. I have 4 kids and my own business. I'm sure I could do it. But... is it worth it? I mean a part of me knows it is... that's why I'm here. But then... the day happens... and there's so much to do... and FUCK. So I don't know. Maybe you will all tell me to go away and come back when I'm certain. Lol, I doubt you will, but there's always that chance. I think I am posting on here though b/c I want help. I want help without being shamed. I do have other support in my life. But what do you do when you aren't yet in the "action" stage of change? I am wavering between contemplation and preparation right now. And then I tell myself I need to take like a whole week off to do this. Which I don't think I am willing to do. (I was going to say I don't think I CAN do, but I mean, if I had cancer I'd take a week off, right?) The last time I quit I LITERALLY planned a surgery that would keep me home for a week in order to do this. I was so proud of myself. But there are SO MANY MIXED MESSAGES! Even my therapist is like, "well maybe you don't need to quit completely." And I just don't know! So. That is what is going on with me.
  21. Ambivalence

    wow... i am in private practice and have been coming into the office to do the telehealth b/c i have 4 kids at home, but i have been having fantasies of not seeing people in person again. i need to really think about how i want to handle the transition back... i just keep not thinking about it assuming i have time (adderall daze) but i would benefit from thinking about it.
  22. Ambivalence

    I like that description "Adderall DAZE" - the thing that helps everything get so much clearer... until it doesn't and everything blurs together and hours turn to days and days to weeks and weeks to months and months to years... thank you for this post, it is inspiring for me. I am on Day 2 of my taper.
  23. Switching social circles after recovery??

    True. And I keep trying to convince myself that I won't abuse it. That it will be like it was in the beginning when it made everything magically better. But... if I am rigourously honest with myself I have not once in 20 years been able to do that. I tell myself that I can b/c I had a period of about 5 years where I did not abuse it. But. Not only do I work with people with addiction, I have lived it. And if I look at the reality, me saying that is no different than the alcoholic going a year dry so they can "prove" they're not an alcoholic. Who cares about labels. The truth is, I have had, and have ALWAYS had, a problematic realtionship with substances. And adderall is just one of them. The most insidious, cunning, baffeling and powerful one, for me. I want freedom. I want my life back. I am committed to doing this. I am going to taper (I know that is against most people's advice but I am following the guidelines in the homepage of this forum and doing it with my therapist and if it doesn't work this time, I won't try it again) but I believe I can do it with all of the accountability I have put around me. I will get my life back. You said something I always say to people who ask me the same thing -- one patient I work with asks why she can't use drugs as the answer. I tell her that it's b/c of tolerance. You will always end up needing more and then you will always end up in this spiral downward that has happened to you so. many. times. That is true for me with adderall. I trick myself into thinking that it isn't b/c so many people "safely" use alcohol and this shit doesn't happen to them. But who am I kidding? So many people "safely" use alcohol too. So I do get it. This is not the life I choose anymore.
  24. Switching social circles after recovery??

    So help me out here. I'm being serious. Well partly. So what if it is just speed? And what if taking that speed makes my qualify of life so much better? Wouldnt i benefit from taking it? (I can see the faulty logic but i cand stop it.