DelaneyJuliette

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Everything posted by DelaneyJuliette

  1. Day 2

    Just wanted to drop in at 4pm in the afternoon rather than 4am in the morning and say that I really did it. After a year of telling myself I was going to quit I gave up all my adderall with no way to get more and I'm done. I just have to get through this period of time that sucks but I know I can do it. I just wanted to thank all of you for loving me through this ridiculous journey. As I said in another post, I am exhausted, keep bursting out randomly into tears, terrified, lonely, scared, anxious, worried, and... relieved. So I'm gonna focus on that last one.
  2. “Relapsed” again

    Yup, time to try something different. I quit cold turkey two days ago. I gave up all my adderall and no way to get more. It's scary, emotional, exhausting and also relieving. I will make it through this time.
  3. Why, exactly, does tapering "not work"?

    Well I tapered successfully once, and then started again, and then realized i've been lying to myself for the past year that i was going to taper again and it was going to work this time b/c it worked before. So, i just stopped cold turkey 2 days ago. Gave up all my pills. So... it's day 2. I'm tired and emotional but ok.
  4. 12 Step Programs

    Let's talk!!
  5. Day 1 of Tapering - Nervous/excited?

    @sydney, how is it going?
  6. 12 Step Programs

    Sooo.... should we start a zoom one?
  7. Zoom meeting Invite

    So, if you go to the place where it talks about meet-ups in certain locations, I posted about zoom. There was a lot of interest, but nothing got started. Perhaps that would be a good place to post this? Did you ever end up having a meeting? I really want to join one. My desire is to find a regular day and time to just have a meeting and whomever wants to come can come. I wonder if we could make this work... I also wonder if we should do one with some structure.... or just talking?
  8. Destin, FL

    what?! me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  9. Any other moms ABUSE adderall? - the guilt

    So can we do it?! Let's make it happen!! PM me!
  10. “Relapsed” again

    I want to go through these questions. My pattern is that I have too many clients on one day so I use that day. Then I stay up too late and then use the next day to make it through. Then the next day I am home and use b/c i am trying to organize my house to move.. Then I have too many clients the next day so I use to get through the day b/c I don't want to feel. Or rather I do want to feel... I want to feel like I feel when I'm on it... then comes Friday and I slow down... but then comes the weekend and my significant other triggers me so badly that I just want to not feel and so I use and focus on stuff to get away from him and be present with the kids. Sounds like a winning combo. So what am I actually going to do?? I don't know. I keep saying I'm going to taper and then I keep not doing it.
  11. Ambivalence

    So... I had a month off of all this crap and it was great. And now I've had about 4 months back on it and it was great at the beginning and it has become not great again, like always. The first time around, this forum was a godsend. I literally donated the second I found it b/c I knew it was exactly what I needed. I read posts every day and posted almost every day. But I have been avoiding it for a few months b/c I am still in ambivalence. And I'm not sure if that's allowed. Or, I'm sure it is on some level, but I fear that I need to be committed before I post. But I'm doing it anyway b/c I feel like this forum is the closest any group has ever come to understanding my struggle. I did great for that month (I mean, it was hard, but I was free.) But now I feel like I don't have a life that allows me to be without stimulants. A part of me is aware that that way of thinking is old addict justification. But a part of me thinks I'd have to change my life so drastically I don't know if I could do it. I have 4 kids and my own business. I'm sure I could do it. But... is it worth it? I mean a part of me knows it is... that's why I'm here. But then... the day happens... and there's so much to do... and FUCK. So I don't know. Maybe you will all tell me to go away and come back when I'm certain. Lol, I doubt you will, but there's always that chance. I think I am posting on here though b/c I want help. I want help without being shamed. I do have other support in my life. But what do you do when you aren't yet in the "action" stage of change? I am wavering between contemplation and preparation right now. And then I tell myself I need to take like a whole week off to do this. Which I don't think I am willing to do. (I was going to say I don't think I CAN do, but I mean, if I had cancer I'd take a week off, right?) The last time I quit I LITERALLY planned a surgery that would keep me home for a week in order to do this. I was so proud of myself. But there are SO MANY MIXED MESSAGES! Even my therapist is like, "well maybe you don't need to quit completely." And I just don't know! So. That is what is going on with me.
  12. Ambivalence

    Agreed. But how do I figure out WHEN to quit? There will never be a good time.
  13. Ambivalence

    Here's the problem... when I am off them I am irritated and anxious and worry about all kinds of shit that I know doesn't matter. When I am on them I am able to be present with the kids and tell myself that nothing else matters but them. I take them on fun adventures and don't worry about schedule and time and all the stupid stuff my anxiety brings when I am not on them. So this makes me justify use even more. Plus, we are moving to a new house (same city) in december and I can't imagine how i will pack everything up and move without it. So this also makes me justify use. I know these are excuses. FML.
  14. Ambivalence

    I felt like i responded to this but maybe not. Seeing clients via telehealth.
  15. One Word Status Update

    Sick and tired of being sick and tired, but not sick and tired enough to stop. (And apparently rebellious because that was 16 words, not one.)
  16. Got my MBA, landed job, starting business on side

    Thank you for sharing. It reminds me that it is possible and I was once there too. But now I just don't know where to start. Lie. I am too ambivalent to start and keep making justifications why now isn't the right time.
  17. Anyway to get Email Notification?

    I feel like at one point in time I would get an email when someone responded to something I posted here. (Perhaps that never happened and I am mis-remembering.) Either way, I don't get any emails and I soooo wish I did. It feels so good to know that someone responded and it is a reminder to keep coming back and posting here. Let me know if this is an option and I just inadvertently turned off that setting. (I can't find it anywhere!) See, case in point -- when will i remember to come back to the forum and search for this post and see if I got any responses? Lol!!
  18. Zoom Meetup

    I've been having great success with using zoom for other meetings during COVID, and since there doesn't happen to be anyone in my local area anyway, I had the idea that maybe one or two or a few of you would be interested in meeting up via zoom. Let me know if there's any interest!
  19. Any other moms ABUSE adderall? - the guilt

    I just yearn for connection with other people who get it.
  20. So anxious...

    Fuck. This was almost a year ago. I just want to be transported back there. This is giving me a little bit more motivation to want to quit...
  21. So anxious...

    Will this anxiety ever go away?! I know that's not a useful thing to focus on. But it's SO overwhelming. Too many things to do and not enough time in which to do them. Ugh. Breathe. One thing at a time. Today is Day 4.
  22. Ambivalence

    I need to keep coming back and reading this over and over. I get so much anxiety without meds... like I never know what to focus on.
  23. Anyway to get Email Notification?

    How do you follow a person or a topic?
  24. One Word Status Update

    Confused.
  25. My Committment

    Starting from NOW, I will not take more than prescribed in one day. (Total of 40mg of Adderall and 2mg of Klonapin.) Starting from NOW, I will begin to taper very very very slowly. (I know why it's not recommended, but again it is all I've got right now and if I don't do that than I won't do anything so I am going to try committing to that. It has worked for me in the past. I just have to be intentional.) Starting from NOW, I will write out a calendar with a realistic taper schedule. I will follow it. If I do not follow it, meaning, if by December I am still in the same place that I am in now, I will go to detox. I can't even believe I just wrote that out loud lol. I don't know how I am going to do this. I am scared. I am ambivalent. I don't want to try. I need to keep remembering the why behind the need to quit. B/c right now it just feels like ... annoying that I'm super tired but that's about it. I KNOW that is not the case - I have been trapped in the adderall world for the past 9 years. (And before that for about 4... but then I did have a period of sobriety for a handful of years and it was really really good.) I want to get back there. So, I need to quit b/c I am trapped. And I don't want to be trapped. And even though getting off the meds makes me a crazy emotional mess, I am lying to myself if I don't admit that being on them also makes me that way. I need to do this for myself, for my health, for my kids. I need to be the role model I want to be, even if they don't know the details. One day, I want to be able to talk to them about this as a thing of the past, not a thing I am still hiding. I can do this.