mad_stoic

So how the fuck do you, myself, and the rest in this situation fucking quit? It’s not an option for me. I take it or I will die. Life isn’t worth living without it. And that is only due to my life as it is. ive been reading Seneca and writings of other stoics. They say you have two choices in life when Faced with an obstacle: Fight it. Or harmonize with it. I had that thought tonight. Probably why I’m on this site. Everyones situation is different. For some, it’s the reason for fucking their lives up. For me, I’ve noticed I do the same bullshit whether on Adderall or not. My hypothesis is that adderall is the scape goat, for me. there are thing I need to be doing: Having that conversation with a family member, reconciling for someone I’ve wronged, you get the idea. i wouldn’t be doing any of this, popping pills or not. I tell myself I’d be able to if I was off, but I’ve been off and I still don’t. The paradox: Taking adderall is the excuse I use to convince myself I’ll get done what I need to. But still, I don’t. Naturally, I blame the pills for not doing what I need to do. There are lots of people out there just as fucked up, and worse, and completely sober. They have other scape goats. Adderall abuse is the byproduct of deep, internal pain. That’s what needs to be dealt with. Adderall is the band aid. I just feel that I know I’m this to be be true of everyone, without exception. It’s drug abuse. A Numbing agent. ”the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety - it’s connection” Example: I hate my job but adderall makes me love it. By all relevant indicators, you and I are both “connected.” But something else is going on. Maybe not for you, but I know it to be true for me. Is adderall the scape goat? It is for me. My goal is to harmonize with my addiction (read: disconnection) and find the root of what’s going on.

My first thought as I write this is "how do I keep this short enough? Nobody gives a shit about my life. My struggle is no worse than any of the millions in a similar situation" The dealer that got me hooked, a downward spiral ensues (2014-2017) I graduated college in 2013. Early in my college days I tried adderall - I loved it so much. I didn't take it regularly and was functional without it. I graduated, got a sales job, and was miserable. Being a salesman, I knew all it took was saying the right things to the Doctor: acting clueless about adderall as if I never had heard of it. Explaining how hard it ws to concentrate and that it was effecting my job terribly (it wasn't). I pretended to be apprehensive about taking it - but finally "relented" "I guess it couldn't hurt to try, Doctor." Bam. 1 20mg per day turned into a script for 60mg in a month. I went 3 years in the corporate rate race fueled by the stimulant - and I performed extremely well. Only to end up being fired because I blew up at my boss. Obviously addy induced. It threw me into a horrible depression that would get worse by a factor of 20. I pushed away every friend I had and immersed myself in programming software (I have an insatiable desire for peopl to think I'm "smart"). Hours flew off the clock - even days. But the escape was inescapable. Depression hit it's peak, binged adderall and stopped sleeping for days intermittently (2017-2018): It was incredible. Adderall + sleep-deprivation creates the escape from anxiety and relief from depression. The weirdest part: I made 10x more progress in programming after 2 days of no sleep that after sleeping every night for weeks. Completely addictive. I held better conversations, I was relaxed. So very odd. I began living at home with a VERY conservative Pastor as a father, I was demonized. I was labeled a drug addict. And I believed it when in actuality I was lonely, depressed, and lost. I used the adderall to escape the pain. My anxiety was constant and physically painful without a second of relief. Binging adderall and apinkillers, I went into a hypmotic state where I thought it would be cool to carve a design into my arm with a razor blade. Literally. Off to the psych ward for a week. I can't tell you what this does to self-esteem and self-image. Finally, started getting back to work, held a labor job - but my refusal to quit Adderall got me kicked out. I was homeless. I slept on a bus stop bench one night. A shed floor on other nights. I was ready to die by my own hand. But the adderall kept me going. I didn't have to worry about where to sleep some nights because I could just pop an addy. From homeless to working for a fortune 500 company making 6 figures in 6 months (2019 - present). My cousin took me in despite believing I was a drug addict - ultimately saving my life. I picked up a temp factory job. I was content. But in classic fashion, I made an issue with my boss out of something minor - fired again. A week later I get recruited by a Fortune 500 company and somehow get the job. I stayed up all night several different times faking pay-stubs to pass the background verification. It worked. Making $90k a year now. In meetings with corporate executives every day. Succeeding by every indicator. Quite the shift over 6 months. I "owe" that to Adderall. I am proud of it to an extent. But I am worse off mentally than I was when I was homeless and working at a factor. Full circle (today): I run out of my meds 1 week early every month. Been that way for years. Each week is a week from hell. During that week, I drink beer the second I wake up to the time I go to bed just to be able to write emails. I don't drink when I'm on Adderall. Last month I decided to get another script from a psychiatrist on top of my primary care script to fill in the gap for the week I run out. Obviously, I was caught. There is a very real chance I will be cut off. And it may save my life. And I'm scared to death I've lost myself. I have no one in my life. By choice. I pushed my family, including my 5 little sisters who adore me, out of my life. I was in a frat in college, I had many friends. I have none now. By choice. The Adderall is the serum from all of the shame, guilt, loneliness that together create a pain that is so deep. It's almost like it's worth the cost of my soul. Time to quit. But I cant: The void of my own soul is so clear to me. I know it is lost. But the escape I get from work keeps me from doing anything about it. And I cannot face what the stimulant blocks from my consciousness. I made my bed. And now it's time to wash the sheets. I couldn't be more lost.