Ready4Change

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Posts posted by Ready4Change


  1. 2 hours ago, dolssa said:

    May 11 was 6 months for me. I have been struggling. I am so so so close to turning back. Life shouldn't be this hard. at 6 MONTHS my post adderall depression is still so prominent that I don't know what else to do. I have days where I feel ok. Like yesterday I felt good, not great.. but good. I made plans with a friend for tomorrow via zoom to catch up, and I told my mom I would come quarantine with her this weekend and help her get food and essentials. now i woke up today with absolutely no energy to follow through on these plans. Its giving me so much anxiety that 10 mg of adderall would cure. Dammit, i know its a bad idea.. but i just dont know if its worse than how i am feeling now. I just know im going to relapse. 6 months and its all for nothing.

    I know that you are really struggling but you have to dig deep and fight with everything you have to get through this. Your internal reward system is injured and trying to repair itself. You have suffered so much that you owe it to your future self and your family to get through this. This process will never get easy and if you go back on the Adderall then you will have to start this traumatic process all over again. I have felt the way you feel so many times that I have lost count. WE must not throw in the towel and give up. This pain has to be for something better. Stay strong my friend. You are not alone. 

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  2. Thanks for sharing speedracer. I can relate to everything you have shared. I am at the same point in the process as you right now (1 year off) and it feels so good to read your experiences and get the confirmation that I am not alone. It is comforting to know I am not permanently damaged and I am going through a traumatic brain injury recovery process. When the waves come and leave me once again surrounded by the darkness and despair, it always helps to read amazing posts like this to help lift the isolation and loneliness.  Its so sad to say but a simple thing like getting a shower is a major accomplishment for me. I have had to force myself to shower (sometimes not successfully) for many months. I now actually want to shower some days. That is a really good sign to me. I try so hard to fake being ok to my family, coworkers, neighbors and friends but it so hard to do with the overwhelming apathy and Anhedonia. I experience emotional breakdowns where all I can do is cry uncontrollably. The light has been peeking through at times and I have noticed the little improvements are adding up.  In all of this pain I have to say that I have never been so aware and in touch with my internal feelings and voice. Adderall made me very effective at work and with keeping up with adulting but I never knew how much it blunted my emotional needs and growth. I Am still not very good at getting everything down in text but I need to continue posting in this group.  I have hope today and that keeps me going. This process is absolutely brutal and I have so much respect and admiration for anyone willing to endure it. We need this place to share with others who understand what this process feels like.  Thanks for posting speedracer. 

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  3. 4 hours ago, Brit said:

    There’s one side effect that’s been really bothering me and that’s that I have absolutely no patience and feel like I could snap at any moment. I can see red and start internally raging with just one little comment!

    Normally I’ve prided myself on my extreme patience, but that’s totally out the window now, especially at work. I often feel like I’m the coach in a boxing ring having to hold myself back from saying stuff I’ll regret.

    Anyone else experience this? I’m 37 days clean, I just didn’t expect this loss of control!

    I can totally relate.  I was also the most patient person too.  Mine feels like a combination of rage, panic and frustration. I have so much apathy that it’s hard to even care. I always try to walk away and calm down but it’s so rough because internally I just don’t give a crap. My job, relationships and even hobbies have become burdens to me on most days. I still prefer the peace and safety of isolation. Responsibilities and social interaction overwhelm me and I am so limited in my ability to handle stress.  It’s so hard to fake a smile and engage in small talk.  It’s like a fire burns inside me and a tiny bit of conflict or pressure and I’m about to blow. I wish I could say that mine is better now that I’m at one year off Adderall but it’s really not. I’m not crying regularly and my emotions have stabilized much more though. I might be one of the unfortunate ones whose progress is slower. I’ve accepted this reality and no matter what I’m staying the coarse. I have sacrificed and suffered way too much to ever do this again. This fight or flight feelings can’t last forever. One thing that helps is understanding that everything happening on the inside is not visible to the outside world. I practice my breathing and control my physical reactions.   Thanks for sharing your experience. You are definitely not alone. 

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  4. Congratulations Drew!!!  I can’t even tell you how many lonely and dark nights I read posts from you that gave me strength and hope. Your earlier posts were honest and made me feel less alone. I am so happy to have you here in this amazing group of strong and REAL people. Thank You. 

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  5. Thanks for sharing such an honest and positive experience. Feeling like a fraud or permanently defective after quitting is a pretty regular experience for us. I feel this daily. Grinding through and finding the inner strength to persevere is such a powerful and motivating experience.  (Wish I did this more)  Recovery is not an event but a continuing journey of daily battles on the road to self discovery and growth. I’m proud of you. Keep up the great work. We are here for you during the good times and bad. 

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  6. Hello my friends. I have not been very active lately but I have been checking in daily. I’m definitely in a huge time of change and growth in my life. Feeling so much of the feelings that Adderall masked and numbed for so long has been incredibly painful but also beautiful. I know that the fear and panic is my brain developing strength and new coping strategies to handle life as it really is. I want to be the rock that others can lean on so badly.  I’m 11 months into this journey off Adderall and my life has never been more unstable, uncertain and vulnerable. I have also never been more alive, genuine and real. It’s so crazy how I can literally feel my brain processing the world and events around me in such a deeper and more connected way. My dreams are purposeful and things from 30 years ago are coming to the surface and are being worked out because I guess it’s needed for my continued healing. It’s hard to explain but I’m definitely heading out of the darkness and into a more purposefully contemplative state. I was put on unemployment last week  and my wife and I have been quarantined for the last 7 days.  Nothing is certain right now but I am definitely glad I quit Adderall. I look more unhealthy now. My job is not stable now. Inside is where the most growth has taken place and that is the area I ignored for far too long. Fuck the superficial external things. This time it’s about digging deep inside and finally being real. I appreciate you all very much. I struggled with reading and writing for many months. It’s a miracle that I can even type this. It may be scattered and confusing but it’s an improvement and that feels good. I wish you all safety and good health. I’ll be coming in to spend time and share more in the coming days and weeks. 

    8 people like this

  7. Hello my friends. I want to release some steam and sharing what I’m feeling with you all is the only place I feel understood. I am 10 months off Adderall and I am still filled with incredible anxiety. Sometimes so bad I get nauseous. I’m also pacing around my house constantly, biting pens and have mostly negative thoughts.  Existential crisis type thoughts. I am experiencing zero pleasure other than food and sex. I have gained 40lbs which doesn’t help at all. My fucking stomach got stretch marks from the rapid weight gain. Ugh.  I still have zero motivation and my shit attitude is unbearable.  I wish I could use the tools I’ve learned in these moments. It’s hard when I have been fighting so hard for so long. I apologize for the negativity but I just need to rant.  My wife, coworkers and family have been suffering enough just having me around in my sad state.  The hardship this process puts on those you love creates so much guilt. I have had a few good days recently, which is an improvement but anytime stress comes back into my life all my symptoms return with a vengeance.  This process is so fucking difficult after being on Adderall for 15 years.  Some days I truly feel like I am going crazy and I will end up in a state hospital.  I have hope from all the stories on here but in these dark moments, time comes to a crawl and the darkness consumes the light.  I’m sitting at work and I am am not even close to what I used to be on the job. Pathetic really. The most tragic thing I lost is my ability to care.  In these moments I just don’t give a fuck.  My apathy sickens me.  Sorry for the vomit  but I needed an outlet today.  I’m really losing it.  

     

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  8. Thanks for your post and I wish you all the best on this new journey quitting Adderall. (For good this time) Authenticity and being true to that inner voice is such an amazing motivator to rid yourself of the training wheels and find the  strength you have inside.  The “real” you does not just come out and introduce themself to us just because we quit. This journey is much more like peeling off layers to see parts long neglected and forgotten. It often feels more like building up and adding pieces of ourselves  that never even exited before. A “new” you is built through a painstaking process of loss and self discovery. It doesn’t come easy and I’m still very much in withdrawal still but damn I am feeling some moments of hope and that’s a miracle.  This process can be a real mindfuck at the darkest of times and some days just surviving feels like all I can give.  Welcome to the group and thanks for posting. We can learn and get through this together. This group has been so important to me during this process.  Feeling a defective loneliness was unbearable. This group gave me hope and made me feel understood and not so alone. 

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  9. I feel your pain and suffering my friend. Everyone of us is different and recovery times vary depending on age, length and amount of use and each one of us having unique and differing biology and physiology. I do believe that these moments when life is at its darkest are the times we find an inner courage and strength that we didn’t know we had inside.  Being four months deep on this extremely difficult road to recovery is one hell of an impressive accomplishment and a strong showing of your commitment to change. I know it’s almost unbearable and that you are suffering. I want you to know that everything you are feeling is normal and you are capable of getting through this. You are not alone. You are strong enough. Many of us are standing by your side and suffering with you. Your future self is waiting for you and is proud of you finding the inner self love and self respect to truly escape from the hell Adderall has created in your life. This has to be done. If not now then when?  Today and every clean day in the future is when you take back your power and build the clean and healthy life you deserve.  Hold on tight and be patient in this process. It’s a long road but everyday you are getting stronger and building a foundation to handle life as it really is. 

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  10. I know this post is old but I just wanted to say Thank You!!!  I’m really suffering at 10 months and I am surfing the posts today and looking for hope. This year has been so damn hard and most days I feel like I’m losing my mind and my  ability to function at a level that is necessary to be a productive adult in this world. My business is falling apart and my pessimism is rapidly increasing. I have little to no drive and my anxiety is crippling. FEAR, confusion and doubt have made this process miserable. Everything requires effort and nothing provides pleasure, satisfaction or enjoyment. It’s maximum effort just to get through the day. Minor stressors destroy me and create panic and depression. I used Adderall for 15 years and this is the outcome. Your post gives me hope and I’m great full to you and others who continue sharing your experiences and stories. 

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  11. Congratulations on stopping and making positive changes that the future you will be forever grateful for your Temporary sacrifice. The only comfort I can provide you with is that the anxiety you are feeling is very normal and I personally found it crippling. The initial withdrawal was bad the first 3 weeks. It physically leveled me. Months 1-4 was the beginning of the anxiety, anhedonia and depression. Months 4-8 took on an entirely new and different level of suffering. Everyone has different biology, brain chemistry, age and length of use.  Acute withdrawal and chronic PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) varies a great deal from person to person. Mine has been particularly bad. It can be dealt with and you don’t have to use adderall no matter how bad it gets. I chalk it up to paying the tab for 15 years of use. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You will find the strength inside yourself to endure what needs to be done in order to free yourself from the chains of dependency on those pills.  This day was inevitable and their is no better time than now. You got this. My anxiety is slowly lifting at month 9. That’s some hope for me beachside I felt like I was permanently damaged. Hold on tight. 

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  12. Hello my strong and inspirational friends.  This is a long and scattered post and I’m not the greatest writer. I need to finally introduce myself.   My name is Brian.  I am new to posting in this group but many of you have been my daily strength and you have unknowingly helped make me feel less defective and alone these past 8 months.   It has taken me this long to be capable and willing to take steps and create an account to post.  My inability to write coherent enough to post has slowly lifted. (Thankful for that)  This initial withdrawal process and now the intense PAWS has been the HARDEST THING I HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE.  I am 41 years old and had been on Adderall for 16 years and I built my life around the help the pills provided me.  I never abused my prescription and my life was made better for a long time because of Adderall.  Marriage, career, home and many more life goals met.  I have pretty intense ADD from childhood and Adderall all but cured me. Nothing lasts forever and time goes bye so quickly. I got to a point where I had to discover if I can be Adderall free. An inner voice needed to be heard. I had been experiencing anxiety and depression while on Adderall. I also was having concerns about long term use and my heart and mental health possibly declining. I was willing go through hell to find out if a healthy and prosperous life was possible without the pills. I know the pains of withdrawal. I got off 13 years of Effexor 2 years before I stopped the Adderall. (Brutal withdrawal too)  I got tired of the monthly trips to the psychiatrist. The pharmacy running out of them. Travels abroad where Adderall is banned.  Feeling shame about being dependent on amphetamine and not truly owning my personality and accomplishments. I guess I wanted and needed to be tested and to build up true strength and resilience. I needed to know who I am and what I’m capable of. The Authentic me.  That’s easy to dream about but much harder to live the process. I can relate to mostly to everyone in these forums about the withdrawal. The anxiety, depression and  lack of pleasure has been unbelievably difficult and disruptive in my life. Every area has been negatively impacted. You all know everything I’m saying because reading your processes was like reading my own. (It’s helped soooooooo much). The first month of sleep and dragging was hard but WAYYYYY easier that what has come in months 4-8. OMG . I am amazed I have survived and I’m not being at all dramatic. I feel like I will have PTSD from how difficult it has been and currently is. I’m entering the wave portion of this process I think. I can sense a tiny bit of relief. Some days the panic slightly lessens. I feel a bit more hope and that is awesome.  Panic attacks are hopefully lessening. I’m still significantly disabled compared to my former self but maybe a tiny bit better than last month. From everything I’ve read on here the upcoming 9-12 month time frame I will reap the rewards of my suffering. That brings tears to my eyes because I am battered, broken and beaten down.  Some days just coming here and reading what others have went through is the only bit of hope that drives me forward.  I have read almost every post. I have not come across a better resource of real stories that justify and acknowledge the reality of my suffering like this group. Before I found this I truly felt alone, defective and crazy. You all made me feel like I was in exactly the pain I was supposed to be.  Somehow that helps. Thank You. I am proud to be in the company of such strong people.  I will try to be more involved as I continue getting better and growing stronger. 

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