purplepen

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About purplepen

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  1. Hey, quitting speed is the hardest thing I have ever had to do aside from making the decision to put my dog down. Listen, it is a difficult addiction. I am an addict and there is no addiction where the craving is so fucking intense. I have never craved alcohol or cigs or gambling or anything like I do the adderall aka meth. I know I'm struggling right now, but if you keep it up and get some time that desire to use will go away. I remember I was sober from it for about 1 1/2 years and my friend came over and had some vyvanse, I didn't even think about it. Later on that day I actually couldn't believe that I didn't ask her for one..that is how little it mattered to me. It is possible. In my circumstance, I just have so much shit weighing heavy on me right now due to the using over the past year that it is very hard to see the bright side...I will eventually..but I'm in a pretty dark spot right now mentally. You will do it, you can do it!
  2. Hi guys, I posted the other day and am going to keep coming on this site for support. I really want others to talk to me lol because I feel like I need that support right now as I have failed SO many times. I am a chronic relapser. Basically my psych was extremely hesitant to get me back on the vyvanse a month ago because I had broke down to her telling her I don't ever want it prescribed again and the devastation it causes me...a month later I talked her into it..I truly thought I could handle it (HAHA) anyway...she was on the fence about it for a couple of weeks and I could tell she was really uncomfortable but of course, master manipulator here...anyway she agreed to give me weekly prescriptions which I thought was a good idea...I would usually take the whole thing in 3 days...well this week I basically regressed to the absolute worst self destructive behavior while on it (gambling) I gambled almost 3K in 3 days. ITS SO AWFUL. Anyway, I emailed her yesterday and i told her what had happened and told her I need to be off of it and I do know that after this incident she will not prescribe to me anymore. 100%. I feel like shit today...I typically feel fine the day after having used it but today I just feel like shit...I think its the lack of sleep, lack of motivation, and lack of exercise (I exercise and take care of myself really well when I don't use that shit, I also don't gamble at all or smoke cigs)....I think just the overwhelming amount of debt and chaos that I have caused and the realization of the harm that I can do in such a short time is really overwhelming and terrifying at the moment. I just feel depressed. I am not a depressed person. I am going to take a nap and hopefully feel better and just start over...but thats the thing..im so scared I'm going to fail. I have failed so many times and I am so scared to start over because of that exact reason. I have no hope in myself..I don't always feel this way but just the simple fact that I have failed SO many times has me feeling this way at the moment. I really need some support u guys...I can't go to meetings b/c no one in my town wears masks and right now our COVID rates are out of control without any state measures (SO RIDICULOUS). What has helped you get your mind right and commit to your decision? When I don't take the stimulants, I wake up at 5 and go to the gym for a couple of hours and feel amazing, I listen to morning affirmations and just try to do the right thing and take care of myself...I typically feel good and positive and capable...but all it takes is one craving and I cave instantly. So I know I am strong when I am doing the right thing but I need to know how to not give into the craving. This year has been awful for me. I have lost a lot of respect for myself and just kind of adapted a "fuck it" attitude. I am sure many people feel this way because of the circumstances of 2020...but I just want to feel strong and resist the cravings without feeling like I am not capable of doing anything without the pills. I prove to myself everyday that I am more than capable for the addict in me has a strong opinion. Thank you so much for reading
  3. I tried Modafanil to have something when I quit vyvanse a few months ago..did absolutely nothing or me..it made me super tense and like i wanted to crawl out of my body..just not a good feeling AT ALL. it didn't even keep me awake. I would yawn hours after taking it and had no issues sleeping. For me, wellbutrin is the only thing that helps with a little bit of kratom. Kratom really helps me with my mood and i feel more positive. I don't take a lot because I did once accidentally (powder form) and I puked for like five hours..it was NOT fun. I only take 3 capsules in the morning and thats it. I tried different brands and I finally found the one I like the most...some others gave me weird side effects like arms falling asleep every time I laid down - i couldn't sleep for hours b/c my arms would fall asleep every 5 min. That is my combo of meds that has worked best for me. everyone is different..I don't drink or anything else. Hope this helps!
  4. Hi, I am literally in tears after reading your post. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I truly am because I know the pain the love the hate the struggle the insanity. It is so hard to see the light when you are so deep down and feeling that nothing will be ok...I can't take that away from you. I can't tell you right now that things will be ok or that you are ok because that is NOT your reality. In your life right now you do not see hope. As an outsider looking in on your situation, I do see hope. I don't think you would be on this site if you didn't feel a little bit of hope for yourself. I know its scary, especially when you feel like you have completely changed as a person and that life will never be the same. I don't want to give you advice because I struggle too but when I was at my absolute worst about 8 years ago, I had nothing in my point of view to live for. I was simply existing and making terrible decisions day in and day out..just waiting to disappear. I didn't want to take my life away, like you I love life, I enjoy it, I love my family..but I just felt so hollow and truly like I didn't matter at all. The only thing that saved me was going into treatment. I beg you to give treatment a chance. your situation sounds extremely concerning and I am deeply worried about you. You are very VERY VERY young and the amount you are taking is considered lethal. Please get help. Please don't ever feel like getting help will make you look bad or hurt your family or whatever you might be thinking. Trust me, as a parent myself, I would want my child to ask me for help no matter what because the other option is death. I don't know how your relationship is with your family, but even if you don't have one with them, go somewhere, talk to someone, get into an inpatient treatment. Being in inpatient will help you go thru the detox safely. It will make coming off safe and manageable. You can detox and get on some antidepressants or something to help with the imbalance- wellbutrin is wonderful for people like us, it helps a lot. It sounds like you have a good circle of friends that do not support your using, they will be waiting for you when you get out of treatment. Then go to meetings do whatever you got to do to never look back. You can make it thru this. I hope nothing I said was to aggressive but I sincerely am so concerned about you. You deserve to have a life, a great life...your life is just now starting..you can do SO much. Please keep in touch.
  5. Need support

    Hey, I am so curious to talk to you about this. I feel like I have dug myself into a really bad financial hole..I mean its awful. I have taken out so much on private school loans to pay for my gambling debt and the check comes in and Its just enough to cover my debt and then what do I do with the rest? I gamble it away. its just SO FUCKING AWFUL. How did you finally face the facts and put yourself in a reality check? For me, I think that when i am sober from the stimulants which is usually 3 or 4 days out of the week, I have the cloud of debt hanging over my head and I start making plans on how I will honestly earn and pay it back and it will be ok and whatnot and then I get on the pills again and its like 1K down the shithole in a day. But on the days that I am not on it, I don't gamble but the stress and panic of the gambling debt makes me so anxious and panicky that I just want to take the pill or take something so that I don't think about it..so that I avoid it. And I just need some advice on how to face the facts. Treatment is not an option for me right now. I do believe that going to treatment would probably be the best thing but I have already been twice to an inpatient and I already know the things I need to do I just have to be strong to do it. I hate how much doubt these meds inflict in me. They make me doubt EVERYTHING. They bring out the most negative thoughts and most negative emotions and truly it is like the devil in a pill b/c it makes you believe you can't do anything without it. Such a mind f*ck. Thanks for any and all advice!
  6. Need support

    I agree with exactly what you had said- i took keep thinking if I can just handle the gambling i can take the vyanvase like i can do it i can do this i don't need to gamble but it is inevitable. It is such a dopamine rush and I too get into porn and shit when I'm on it. I also smoke a pack a day and just anything to feed the dopamine but nothing productive at all...I mean at some point it just exhausts its function and thats where I am at with it. The hardest part for me is that deep down I have never really been happy- this is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, I am not depressed, I am just not impressed with life...and I am getting help with that with therapy but the stimulants obviously offer me joy...its synthetic happiness and it feels amazing for a short little while but when I don't have it or use it, its always in the back of my mind cuz its like oh thats the one thing thats truly made me happy- which is bullshit because lets be real...You are right about the like getting high part its clear and simple. To be honest, sometimes I just want to take the adder all JUST so i can smoke!!!! It makes cigs taste so amazing and it makes me feel So good.....but when I don't take the addy or vyvanse I won't touch a cigarette. It's just so ridiculous how easy it is to want to just fuck my life up..and for me its not about putting in the work that makes quitting hard because I have a TON going on right now. I still manage to get a 4.0 in school, be a mom, work part time, and go to the gym everyday. OH BTW I never go to the gym when I take the stimulants, EVER. So it's like I do all these things that are so positive when I don't take it and they should make me feel happy but the little fucking pill holds a higher value than any of the other things. I am trying to build the courage to just email my psych once and for all and tell her that I can't do it anymore. I actually did last week after she gave me a chance by doing the weekly scripts cuz she is so hesitant and then I talked myself and her back into giving me another script...like come on. It just keeps getting harder and harder to quit the more I prolong it. Ok sorry for the rant.
  7. Ambivalence

    Evaluate what kind of parent you are when you are on the stimulants. If your biggest worry is dealing with kids and everything that comes along with it- think about the kind of parent stimulants make you. For me, I am very unattached and uninvolved when I take them because I just want to be left alone. Like I will find the kids super irritating because they "distract" me from whatever it is I'm focused on, which is something probably stupid anyway. When I don't take the stimulants, sure the house is more messy but I am so much more involved with my kids, patient, loving, kind....just a suggestion. I have to remind myself of that often.
  8. Need support

    Hello, I posted a while back about my situation but am briefly going to go over it again. I have been off and on with adderall/vyvanse for the past 5 years after being severely addicted to it for nearly 7. During my worst years 18-25 I completely lost control of myself. I was a mess..damn near homeless. After having two kids I have started the process again. 25-28 were not the worst years..I felt like I would take it very occasionally and be completely fine without. I actually would get a script and then flush it the next day b/c I hated how it made me feel after being so in control of my life again. Things really started to get bad for me last year September. I am also a "recovering" alcoholic so I have a ton of addictive tendencies. Over the whole course of my adderall use, I started to develop a very severe gambling addiction. I can't explain it. When I don't take the stimulant I don't think about gambling at all but once I take it, it is all that I can think about and want to do. I completely zero in and focus on gambling. Again, this last year has been by far the most tragic for me because I am gambling so much money, that I don't have, without control. I have been trying to quit over the last year and have had a couple months here and couple months there, but I always go back to getting the stimulant and then its like 2-3K gone a week. I probably gambled 20K over the last year. THAT IS INSANE. I mean, I always liked gambling but I remember not that long ago loosing $100 would make me panic and i would work extra shifts to make up for it- now its like absolutely no f*cks given. The reason why I convinced myself I needed to get back on the stimulants was because I started a very intense nursing program. I KNOW that I can perform well without the stimulants, I don't even have ADD. But I have driven myself into a corner where I truly believe that I cannot do school without them; funny thing is, is that I don't even study anymore because all I'm doing all day is gambling. I focus on all the wrong things. I will crash study for a few hours before an exam and call it good. I am so tired of this life. I know I have so many issues and it breaks my heart because I have two small children and on the outside it looks like I am this responsible, great mom but that is far from the truth. I am constantly panicking and stressed and can't sleep b/c of how much debt I am in. I know that I need to stop taking these pills and it will solve literally 75% of my problems. I am in therapy and am starting to do DBT. I want to completely give myself to that so that I can fix my inner problems. The days I don't have the pills, I feel great! I am energetic, friendly, I want to work out, I want to interact and spend time with my kids, I eat healthy, I mean..the list goes on...so why do I keep self sabotaging? I think we can all relate- it is because of that FIRST TIME EVER TAKING IT AND CHASING THAT FEELING. I just don't know how to get myself out of this mess. Some days I want to take it only so that I don't care about the money or my problems..cuz it makes me kind of numb to things that matter...and so otherwise I feel so overwhelmed with everything I have done and just disappointment and disgusted. A month ago, I got off the vyvanse and I told both my psych and therapist that I don't want another doctor to ever prescribe it to me again...well what do you know...I talked my psych into prescribing it for me and it was definitely a challenge..she only gives me weekly scripts..but here I am, taken a weeks worth in two days. I know what I have to do. I know I can't do this alone. I know I need to face the facts and go to meetings...I just don't know how to suppress the cravings....because OMFG the cravings are SO deep and overwhelming and intense that I succumb to them every single time. So please, someone, tell me what has worked for you. The pills do absolutely nothing for me anymore expect ruin my life. I am not productive at all, even if I go days without taking some and then take the first pill, I am not in the state of mind of happiness.....thats the thing, the day before i get my pills I am so on edge and anxious b/c I know its the wrong thing to do..so like taking the pills is like punishing myself in reality b/c they bring me no benefit at all. Its such a mind F*ck. I appreciate you all and I am so sorry for those that are struggling..it is such a terrible drug. Much love