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About Kik

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    Finding out! Drawing, plants, clay work, swimming... being present?

About Me

My stimulant journey began when I was 16. I sought out what I call 'study drugs' from peers at school on my own whim. I didn't have any close friends who took them and when I look back I'm not even sure where the idea came from. I think this desire and my young age reflects what I was seeking in these drugs - a sense of achievement and self worth. Kinda reflects how shaky my sense of self was from the get-go. I got a few ritalin/concerta pills and felt like I had tapped into a part of myself that I never accessed before. 

I used them to get through my final 2 years of high school. I achieved results that I never imagined. At the beginning I could work for hours on end and the payoff was huge. I took a year off during my gap year, and it was fine and manageable. I enjoyed life. I was social and enjoying the world as a young adult.

I distinctly remember starting uni and having my first assignment due and a feeling that I needed to get some study drugs. I managed to get it in, and I actually got a good result but the discomfort of not knowing how to study without them confronted me. I have never bothered to learn the basics of self-discipline which are so essential to adulthood. This went on for 3 more years, leading to now. I'm in my last semester of uni and the physical burdens are weighing on me now. My inability to self-discipline is something no drug can make up for and I end up doing what many of us here do and fall into some weird pattern of indulging in super random shit that isn't even relevant to the task thats most important.

Whenever I used to think about quitting, I would genuinely believe that I couldn't do anything without it. I forced myself to watch 30 minutes of a lecture (and actually attend to it), and I managed to do it. I know it took more than half an hour itself, but I did it. I'm hoping its the first step of many.

I do have a current rX and a full bottle of dexies but I truly am sick of it. I have no idea what I want to be in the future. What job I want, what I want from life. I believe stimulants took that away from me. I'm ready to take that back. I took a tablet today and it seems pretty pointless to go on. I have 2 subjects left, no job, and am in isolation for COVID-19 anyway. Might as well power on and get it over with.

I laughed a lot yesterday. The day went incredibly slow. I'm not used to time feeling so slow.. but it was nice to be present with myself. I wrote down a list of what I did manage to do to remind myself that I am capable. I'm always capable. It just take's effort. I can put in that effort. 

I think the most painful part of this journey will partially be the boredom!! The time I will spend doing shit all and having to be ok with it. Accepting that life isn't one big flurry. I'm looking forward to enjoying time as it is, rather than the strict deadlines I set for my morning and afternoon dose. I'm scared to face the insecurities that I've been avoiding with dexies but sick of the guilt and crash involved with taking the stupid things. I can't wait to be 100% responsible for the things I achieve. That'll do more for my ego than dexies ever could.