melody

MFA, thanks for these questions. Sorry they're so long! I just end up rambling, trying to qualify everything... 1. Adderall specifically, I've been taking for a year and a half. I've been on and off stimulants since my sophomore year of high school, so... 9 years. There were long gaps—like yearlong, year and a half-long gaps in which I stopped taking it, however. 2. Why did I take adderall again? Because my life seems to fall apart when I don't take it. I can't seem to get anything done. I lose things. I have zero motivation to push through this last semester. I don't want to be here, but I have to stay one more semester to get my master's degree, and adderall sometimes makes being here a little less painful. But since getting kicked out, I'm not sure I'm holding it together even when I do take it. 3. I think if I wanted to stop taking it I could. And I want to. But I'm afraid that a. I'll just lay in bed all day, which has lately become a sick hobby of mine and b. I'll fail at my responsibilities. I've already failed enough at them... and the last thing I want to experience is more failure and be held responsible for more things. 4 & 5. Absolutely. I'll quote my first post (edited)... I was actually not on adderall (just an obscene amount of coffee) when I made the decision to go to grad school, but I had a manipulative professor who encouraged/pushed me to go, and made me feel like my difficulties with attention and my struggles in academia could be solved if I just tried harder. My professor made me feel like a wunderkind who would be wasting her gifts if she didn't pursue academia. And when I got into a prestigious university... it was impossible to turn down the opportunity to pursue this path. Since getting here I feel like I have completely forgotten whatever it is I am good at. But now that I've been pushed back out... I can't help but fantasize about career options that might involve my strengths and *not* make me feel like a failure all day. I think there are probably lots of ways to have a career in a field related to my interests that do not have to do with academia at all, and there are ways to continue learning outside of academia... which is why the idea of dropping the class is tempting. My plan for right now with the class, at least... is to get started on the work and try to get excited about it and have something solid to say in class... see how things go.... and keep reevaluating how much it matters to me that I do it...

HAM, your post was really inspiring and helped me get through the week. Thank you so much for what you wrote. And lea, thank you so much for the book recommendations. My Stroke of Insight is amazing, and I plan on getting to the others soon. HAM, to see you repeat my own words, "I love my field," feels weird. It gives me the eerie feeling that I'm lying to myself, for some reason. I decided to drop one of the classes, and I'm still mulling over whether or not to drop the other one and try to spend my time pursuing my interests outside of academia. The class I'm taking is outside of my field, and I wanted to try to take it because it is a topic that is of much interest to me, but it's at a very high level and I have zero background on it. Dropping out of everything I don't need to be responsible for seems appealing because my anxieties about speaking up in class are absolutely crippling. My therapist tells me it's okay if I don't speak up in class... but really, it's not... and I'm kind of frustrated that she doesn't understand that and help me work on it. This is a graduate level class with 10 students. I haven't said a word in the class. I stick out like an awkward, mute, dopey sore thumb. Part of me has become really allergic to pushing through situations that drive my anxiety through the roof in the hopes that I'll eventually grow or get something really valuable out of them. I'm sure I would learn a lot, but I have a hard time making myself part of the community of the classroom such that I feel like I need to be there, or like I have something valuable to say. In the process of thinking through all of this... I've realized that I have a deep-seated fear of quitting. I don't trust myself to make good decisions, and I especially don't trust myself to make the decision that it's time to quit something. I always assume I'm not trying hard enough and bad things will follow. This has led to me pushing myself way too far pursuing goals that aren't right for me (and taking adderall to get through it). In the process of accepting that it may be okay to quit all my extra classes, though... I guess I'm scared of having complete freedom to explore new options, or scared that I'll just wish I hadn't quit the classes. I'm still not quite sure what to do, and honestly I wish I could just make a decision because leaving my options open about it is pretty draining. I might just stay in the class for at least another two weeks and see if I can muster up the courage to speak, and see if things get better. But honestly... as much as I *think* the subject means to me, after being kicked out of school, my self-esteem is bottomed out. I'm not sure I want to pour my heart into anything that has to do with academia right now... I'm tired of pretending to be an academic and I kind of just want to move on to figure out what else I might be good at. It feels like a dead end to take the class, no matter how intrinsically rewarding it *might* be if I could ever just get over my anxiety over getting my work done and speaking up in class and being a little grad student. I think I am just waiting for someone to give me permission to quit. If anyone has any words of wisdom about how to know when it's time to quit, I would love to hear them (I've googled a bunch, but I think this is something I just need to talk about with someone... might try that instead). Thank you for being a sounding board when I feel like there's no one I can really talk to about this.

Cassie, I also think that part of the answer has to do with the fact that there was less shame in taking up what are now considered to be menial jobs like being an automechanic, etc. definitions of success and failure have been molded by a capitalist logic that equates wealth-productive work with success and almost everything else with failure... as conspiracy-theorist and overly general as that sounds. edit... I just sound like Georg Simmel right now... in "the metropolis and mental life" (http://periplurban.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/simmel_metropolisandmentallife.pdf)

Yep. That's what has always been so interesting to me... that question is kind of the reason I wish I could be a historian... thank you for this encouragement... I needed to hear it. I had On Speed checked out from the library for a long time when I was an undergrad, but I never got around to reading it. I was always too busy just trying to get my homework done. Guess it's about time I read it. lea, I think strategies are what I desperately need more than anything. thanks for the booklist, i know it is going to be immensely helpful. are there any books you would specifically recommend for learning strategies and getting organized? and I guess the big question for me is... if I quit adderall, should I still try to push through the two classes I wanted to take this semester, or should I give myself more space and time to learn how to function off of adderall? I have the option not to take them, but I thought it would be dumb not to take advantage of the opportunity to explore new interests while I have a free semester of school. I'm just not sure I can stay on top of everything without adderall. at least not without strategizing... and I'm not sure I know what strategy or approach to take. if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears. thanks again, everyone.

MFA I appreciate your response so much. I was tested when I saw a psychiatrist and psychologist in high school, but I later wondered if they were just prescribing me the medication and claiming that I had ADHD just in order to make a profit. They were a husband-wife team, and I don't know... After my high school boyfriend convinced me there was "nothing wrong with me," I began to be skeptical about the whole practice of ADHD diagnosis. After paying so much money for testing, I thought, who *wouldn't* fit the criteria for diagnosis? I have been unable to figure out *what kind* of test I was given then; my parents don't remember, and I have been unable to locate the doctors since they moved from the location they were in when I went to their office. The issue now, if I wanted to get re-tested, is just how to pay for testing. I am currently under university health insurance, so maybe my next step should be to pursue testing while it is still under some type of insurance, even though it will still cost me an arm and a leg. I'm in a lot of debt and don't know how I will be able to pay for it... but maybe it's more possible now than it will be in the next few years. Still not sure what to do on that front. Next appointment with my psychiatrist is not for 3 weeks, so I might just have to wait until then to discuss it with her.

I want nothing more than to stop relying on this drug. I am so sick and tired of being dependent on adderall to be able to get any of my schoolwork done. on it I am an insomniac and a wreck, and I often end up pulling all nighters to get my work done. more than that, as I mentioned, in the past few days, as I have started taking it again after being on a break, it has just made me sleepy more than anything else. the last thing I want to do is pump more caffeine or a higher dose into my body right now. At the same time, I don't know how to function in an academic setting and stay on top of my work without it.

pretty sure we are all "real" people around here . but the point about writing and introverts is true enough. I've found evidence of at least one ENFJ adderallic elsewhere on the internet... his idea, as seems to be Mike's in that MBTI poll, is that there is something about NF's that makes them prone to feeling like they need to be more Sensing-Thinking in order to function properly and so they look to adderall to help them do that.

I've been browsing this website all day, and recently stumbled upon the forums... instead of doing the homework I'm supposed to be doing. I want to tell my story because I feel that this forum could be one of the very few places I could turn to for good advice. I've hesitated to start writing, though, because I'm supposed to be getting work done. But after repeatedly returning to this page throughout the day... I figure it's worth my time and sanity to get this out of my system. I've been on and off of adderall and anxiety medication since around middle or high school, so it's difficult for me to even remember what I am like off drugs. I remember being an overachiever in elementary school, to the point where I would cry if I didn't get a perfect grade. I got my first ADHD diagnosis after my 7th grade history teacher called a parent-teacher conference with my mother because she was concerned that I was constantly daydreaming and unable to focus in her class. I remember being praised for my skills as a writer in the 8th grade. I was prescribed drugs from my general practitioner for ADHD sometime between middle and high school, and before my sophomore year in high school, I began seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for anxiety and ADHD. I was never really sure if it helped. By my junior year in high school, I was editor of the school newspaper, and I began dating my first boyfriend, who convinced me that there was no such thing as ADHD and I did not need medication. I stopped taking meds, and had a difficult time readjusting—I failed two classes that first semester—but by my senior year, for the most part, I was able to get good grades and get into college. In college I went on and off of meds. I was ever unsure about the diagnosis I had received in high school—whether or not something was "wrong" with me and whether or not I needed meds to "fix" it. I studied music at a small liberal arts college, which meant that my grades were often determined by my musical skills. I am blessed with a good voice and got a natural high out of perfecting my craft as a singer. I only had to write papers every once in a while, and only took a few non-musical courses. When I did write papers, I struggled to do the reading required to write them, and then to finish the paper. I don't remember turning a single paper in on time, and every paper I wrote depended in some way on the meds. Without them I didn't know how to get anything done, but I hated that I couldn't do the work I wanted to do without the meds. During my time as an undergrad, I became close with an extremely over-invested (and well-meaning but emotionally manipulative) professor who admired my curiosity and convinced me that I needed to pursue academia. I don't think I ever really spoke with him frankly about my struggle with meds—only in vague terms—and I don't think he ever fully understood what I was struggling with. We had a falling out (actually several) after he tried to tell me that my weakness as an academic had to do with a failure to start my work in advance, when really, as I tried to explain to him, the issue is that it takes me forever to get through a book. But by the time of this falling out, I had already applied to grad school. I was accepted to almost all of the schools to which I applied, thanks to my professor's glowing, fabulous letters of recommendation. Even though my academic interests were shifting and I was insecure about my potential as an academic and unsure if I was in the right discipline (let alone the right career), he encouraged me to pursue the path he had originally pushed for, and I trusted him. I took six months off from school in which I didn't take any meds and worked in a coffee shop. Despite the stress that comes with my forgetfulness and flightiness (I constantly got picked on and punished at work for these issues, and totaled my car the day that I learned I was accepted into my dream school and would have to make a huge decision between that school and one I had already committed to). The summer before grad school began I panicked. I wanted to find a doctor who would either diagnose me with ADHD once and for all or tell me that I was ADHD-free and should start living my life that way. Instead, the neurologist scanned my head (I can't remember what this test was), asked me a few questions and wrote me a script. I guess it was easier not to question it. I told myself I would only take the pills if I needed them. When my grad school career began, there was not a single day in which I needed to get work done that I did not take adderall. Even with adderall, I have struggled every single day. After my first semester and a half, I started seeking counseling through school. I have dealt with awful cycles of insomnia and an unhealthy (although I wouldn't say entirely alcoholic) relationship with alcohol. The school psychiatrist also prescribed adderall for me. Fast forward to now. I am in my second year of graduate school, and a few months ago I was kicked out of my program (I am still in school, however, because they gifted me with an extra semester for some reason... I'll get to that in a bit). It is still very painful for me to reflect on all of the details of why. The reasons have to do with my having expressed the desire to take a leave of absence (which was then interpreted as me not being ready for a PhD program), not being able to keep up with my coursework, and also because my interests have changed so much that there is no one to advise me in my new field of interest. I love what I do (did). I love learning, and I love my field. But I'm just not sure I'm very good at being a professional academic. I am grateful to have been forced out of my graduate program, and grateful that I will have the chance to to reexamine my skills—because I'm at the point where I have no idea what I am good at anymore. To try to succeed as an academic I have utterly destroyed my body because of the stress I have put it through. I am grateful to be given time to explore other options on my own accord—I think I might like to try teaching English for a while, or try being a freelance writer or music teacher, and take some time to work on my Spanish. Here is my issue right now. I have to finish writing a paper from last year (in other words, complete what is called an "incomplete" grade for a class) in order to complete all the requirements for my master's degree. When my department gave me the boot, they said that as long as I had a good fall semester, they would "let" me stay for an additional semester to finish the degree. I was told that I actually do not need to take any classes this semester; I only need to complete the incomplete, and fulfill my responsibilities as a teaching assistant. But that it would show good faith (or something) if I did take classes. This being my last semester at an incredible university that is paying me a stipend to take classes, I felt it would be the perfect opportunity to take classes in my new area of interest. The issue with this is that I simultaneously really, really want and need a break from school. I would someday like to be able to work my way up to being able to read and write and do vaguely academic things without medication, but if I'm honest with myself, I know that this is not going to happen for me tomorrow. And I am very, very tired of abusing my body to get through this program. Another thing probably worth noting is that since having stopped taking the adderall over winter break for a month, for some reason taking 20 mg over the past two days has only made me want to go to sleep. I should maybe mention that for the past several weeks since I was kicked out of my program, I was also put on 25 mg daily of Zoloft. I am two weeks into my last semester here, and already the terrible cycle is starting up again, except since the break I've been less methodical about taking my meds which has worsened my anxiety. I began the semester on a bad foot, having inadvertently missed a week of important emails due to a change in the email system and getting to class unprepared on the first day. I am revisiting all of my typical anxieties—I find myself utterly unable to participate in class, which results in a debilitating depression in which it is painful for me to *think*, let alone attempt work, which results in me drinking, and later not being able to prepare properly for the next class. And before this cycle begins again... I can't help but feel an intense need to hit the breaks. I think this is why I have been procrastinating all day and reading the articles and comments on this website, which I have found so helpful... but I still have huge doubts in my mind as to what step I should take next in my own case. The question I have for the forum, then, is this: how should I handle this last semester in school? I feel like I have two options. The first would be to take advantage of the opportunity to take two classes in my new area of interest while I'm still in a university setting, on top of finishing my incomplete and being a TA, and wait until the semester ends before I quit adderall. The second is to drop the two classes I signed up for, only worry about the absolute minimum that I am required to complete, and maybe try to do this without adderall, if I can. I'm not sure I can... but maybe I could try. And the other part of my time—the time I would spend on *not* taking the additional classes—would be devoted to healing and recovery, and possibly pursuing more musical projects. Which option should I pursue? The question of whether or not I have legitimate ADHD still looms in the air for me. Reading the comments on this webpage, I have identified with some of the stories of adderall abusers as well as with some of the stories of people for whom adderall is apparently nothing but a positive force. Over the winter break I became obsessed with Myers Briggs after reading the book Do What You Are, and after much, much investigation, I have more or less concluded that I am naturally an INFP. I think (though I still have my doubts, after having spent so much of my life on and off meds and convinced out of doing what I am perhaps naturally good at... but maybe I'll leave that discussion for another thread). The point is that while my "ADHD" tendencies have repeatedly been extremely costly for me in everyday life circumstances (i.e. not only in school), I am becoming more and more determined to reroute my life so that I can live and pursue an appropriate career without medication. Even if I do have ADHD, I want to learn how to live with myself—and do so with some degree of success—adderall free. I can't believe I'm putting this story out into the world... There is nothing that scares me more than someone discovering my secret. No one except my parents, my psychiatrist, psychologist, and extremely supportive boyfriend knows about my struggle. My parents don't know what to tell me. My psychiatrist and psychologist advocate for me to stay on adderall. I actually think I should discuss this more with my psychiatrist; I usually only see her for 15 minutes at a time every two weeks/once a month and I don't think there's any way she could possibly know what's going on with me, to tell the truth. Anyway... I should cut it off here. Please let me know if anything needs clarifying. Thanks in advance for any insight you may be able to offer. It means the world to me.

Hi, I'm new here and have found this site so so helpful thus far. I am an INFP (as far as I know) and have been searching for Mike's original article on the topic to no avail. Can someone provide a link please? Thanks!