adderallornothing

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About adderallornothing

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  1. New York City, let's meet up

    I haven't posted in a long time, but I'm in the east village and would love to have some sort of meet up too
  2. NYC

    Hey All, I have been absent from this site for a long time but just wanted to see if anything has sparked in the NYC community. I would love to help schedule a meetup if there's any interest.
  3. NYC

    i'm in nyc - anyone else? god knows i know enough people in this city are on it!
  4. how to get past the guilt?

    i've been totally free of adderall for almost 16 months now and in terms of my physical health I'm doing great. but there's this nagging underlying depression that i'm feeling really severely right now. i haven't been able to get rid of the guilt for everything stupid i did while addicted, for every person i let down, every time i was hours late or a no-show, every time i unintentionally slept through a job interview or a meeting for something that i really thought was important to me ... before the worst part of my addiction i was trying to find myself and what direction i wanted to go in life, in terms of job and career. at the beginning adderall really helped me open up lots of doors that i would normally be too shy to go for, and then when i was totally addicted i basically burned every single one of those bridges and opportunities by flaking out. now that i'm clean, i feel totally lost again and have no idea who i am. when i think about things that i "think" i'm interested in, i feel a knot in my stomach because that interest is inevitably connected to some instance where i let myself down. it's really hard for me to be happy about something without immediately feeling ashamed for the way i behaved while addicted. any advice on 1) how to separate/get past this guilt? and/or 2) how to figure out what you're interested in again aside from just searching the internet??
  5. Adderall & sex drive

    For me, Adderall didn't seem to have an effect on my sex drive (although I don't really fully trust my memory from that time in my life) until I was very deep into my addiction. Then I think my sex drive diminished greatly (although that didn't bother me), or would be very flighty while engaged in sexual activity (i.e. mind racing and wanting to do other things while having sex, like dust every crevice and surface in my apartment!). However, after I stopped taking Adderall it totally went back to normal. Actually lately (13 months of no prescription drugs; smoking weed and drinking regularly) it seems like it's in overdrive so if anyone's worried about that, have hope!
  6. BEWARE: Adderall and Wellbutrin?

    Hey Everyone, I just wanted to warn people of a possible side-effect from taking Wellbutrin and quitting without tapering (possibly coupled with extreme Adderall consumption?). I used to be hopelessly addicted to Adderall (taking hundreds of mgs a day, 40 mg at a time - at the time I weighed maybe 95lbs and am 5'2") and my reprehensible doctor told me I should take Wellbutrin too - "It will make the Adderall even better!" he claimed. (Note: He didn't know I was abusing Adderall, although he would have been able to see this had he ever looked at his records.) Initially I turned it down, but then a month or so later I took him up on it. I didn't notice any difference after two months and decided to stop. (It actually was great for quitting smoking - I totally stopped while I was on it, but didn't want to become addicted to two prescription. Since I didn't notice any other benefits I thought I should just stop taking it.) My doctor actually LAUGHED at me and almost taunted me, saying, "Fine it's your decision, but you're going to be so depressed next week!" I assured him I wouldn't be and discontinued that prescription. So I stopped taking Wellbutrin without any tapering off, and at some point after that (I'm sorry, my memory is really hazy during this period in my life) I was walking down the street in midtown (I live in NYC) and apparently had a seizure. It was raining, I was by myself, and I had JUST come from picking up all my valuables (laptop, ipad, 2 ipods, iphone, hard drive) from a friend's place where I was crashing (at the time I was technically homeless, thanks to my love of Adderall!). The next thing I knew I was lying on the ground, a cop was standing over me along with a group of people who seemed like tourists. I don't really remember what happened, but I know the tourists were being so good to me and tried to tell me that I had a seizure. I am SO grateful that they were there, and that none of my stuff was stolen, it didn't happen in the middle of the street/dark alley etc. Anyway, the cop was asking me why I was lying on the ground, and I just instinctively said "Nothing's wrong, I just felt like lying down!" At the time I had no idea how ridiculous that sounded given the situation. They had called an ambulance and made me go in it - it was only after driving for five minutes that I realized my head was pounding and I had a huge bump where I had hit it on the sidewalk. Anyway - point 1 of the story is that I REALLY think the seizure was from stopping Wellbutrin all of a sudden, which could have been exacerbated by my crazy Adderall use - I don't really know. The doctors at the hospital didn't have any answers - I told them I took Adderall (but did not say I abused it or was crazy addicted to it), and they didn't seem to be concerned about that. They told me these things just happen sometimes, did a CAT scan, and sent me on my way. They were all really good to me though - I'm not sure if they were supposed to do anything else. Note that I'm basing this conclusion on intuition alone and not any professional advice or even any legitimate research of my own. That being said, point 2 of the story is that if you are taking Wellbutrin and are also addicted to Adderall, PLEASE be careful! Don't stop Wellbutrin cold turkey - I believe it's important to taper off when you stop. Talk to your doctor before you stop or at least do your research! Also, I didn't take the Wellbutrin at regular intervals - some days I may have missed it. I have no idea if this could also have contributed to the seizure, so please talk to a doctor that you trust! I'm sorry this ended up being longer than I expected! Also I'm not going to read over it again or else I know I'll never end up posting it! Just wanted to get this warning out there! P.S. The story has a happy ending I've been off Adderall since January 2012. My mind is still jumpy and "ADD-ish", but I feel like I've been able to restart my life - WE ALL CAN!
  7. I don't know how to quit this shit

    Also I wanted to thank you for sharing this and for helping me start to organize my own thoughts about my experience with adderall!
  8. I don't know how to quit this shit

    Yes, your insight as to this being a blessing is right! You've already come so far and definitely need this time to heal. You can always re-apply - take this time now to stay off of it and realize how much better off you are without it. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but I can't think of any better way to articulate it. It's true, it will be really hard, but luckily as time goes on you'll get more and more of yourself back, and although each day will continue to be hard, your mind and clarity will be able to better grasp the benefits to quitting as well. I just found this forum and am inspired by everyone's encouragement and courage to share their stories - I hope to post mine soon when I can muster the motivation, but long story short - I too experienced the adderall cycle of falling in love and then slowly destroying every aspect of my life over the course of 5-6 years. But I've now been off of it for 13 months - it's obviously not easy, but you definitely are capable of making it happen. Please continue to remind yourself that having this time without adderall IS a blessing. Your healing WILL get easier with time, and now you have the time to allow for it. If you had to start grad school soon, the stress of everything would have made it infinitely more difficult to be fulfilling. Now you can take the time you need, re-apply to school, and when you get accepted you'll be able to feel the genuine reward of following an intention to its completion. Really all the best of luck to you - I've never posted anything before, but just created an account because I thought you were at such a critical point in your recovery. You've already gotten/or almost gotten past the hardest part physically - don't be afraid to take things slowly. I would have to remind myself that as long as each day was better than the previous one (even if this just meant I brushed my teeth), I was on the right path.