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peaceseeker

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  1. Motivation follows action wow..what a good post and omg yes....I experienced the whole list on meth of course..I think I really believed Adderall wouldnt be as bad...and I have read some stories here I wasnt even on as high of a dose as some here..and that list is exactly why I wanted to quit...all those things started to show up again and I honestly believed they were only of the meth world..I was really shocked when I found myself , thinking, behaving like many of those things on Adderall. I was on Adderall off and on in my very early teenage years..very early..more like middle school..I didnt remember stuff like this..really but I was also like 13 and well just not who I am now..lol I think thats a trap too for some adults who may of taken it as a child who return to it later..you may not always realize just how different of a medication it can be at 30 something then it was at 13.... One of my big analogies is you know how you always feel dehydrated on it..its cuz its sucking the juice of your spirit and your body water out...so you dry up so to speak both body and mind and spirit.. I had to laugh..loss of sense of humour..it was one of the first things I noticed during my meth days..it wasnt as strong as first on adderall but I have noticed the past month..its happening again...I am not a fun person.I am way too serious..I dont giggle like I used too...I am so just ..focused and serious...lol even during the 1-2 hours of calm nice feeling when I first take my pill which yes after a life of Add spazy head flips like a tv remote with bad batteries...that calm and ability to really think and stay on a topic and feel good like that...was really amazing..but its only like 2 hours long then its back to a even nastier form of the orginal add for 4 hours..lol and during that 4 hours I am such a bitch..lmao and a spazy clutsy..spaced out..bitch..lmao and if you take it back to back to avoid the dopamine drop off or whatever that is after the first 2 hours..then and please no offense to anyone..if you start taking it back to back to back , as a person who has done both..your really just a mini tweeker..lmao it really does just become way tooo similar... I didnt see it on the list..and maybe this isnt super common but when I would take it back to back to back to avoid come downs and I was finally laying down at night..the fricken hyper senstive hearing thing..omg ... there have been nights I had to get up and pull batteries out of a clock in the hallway cuz the fricken thing sounded like it was sitting on top of my head and my refridgerator..omg its loud anyways..just a older one that at night does like to make noises..but normally I barely notice..but when over adderalled..OMG..it sounded like there were ghosts in my fridge banging around and like the dam thing was gonna walk out of the kitchen to my room and attack me.. you know when your laying in bed terrified of your refridgerator..your pushing it..lol I have had much worse of that on meth of course..but yeah ...one shouldnt be afraid of being attacked by possessed refridgerators just because they are on a medication.. lol
  2. Well I took my last adderall at 8pm last night....its now 11:15 am the next am, I am having some salad..mood wise I am pretty good..I am sleepy..aint gonna lie..I feel like shoving a can of redbull up my nose at the moment..lmao Ive had 2 cups of coffee that I feel no effect from but I am too tired to make another pot..so I probabbly am gonna walk to the store and grab a can of redbull but yes I will drink it not shove it my nostrils:) I only work from 1230 to 2 today...then going to the store to grocery shop with my youngest.. then I am going out tonight with a really good gal pal of mine, gonna keep drinks to a minium..its part of our new years goal anyways..quality martinis and cocktails vs quanity lol I texted about 7 of my closest friends this morning and publically announced I was quitting adderall and going to be tired, and fat and senstive and blah for atleast 2 weeks or so, and then fat...very fat and to be easy on me.... funny how ppl blow off the fat part when its the issue that we all know will be my hardest not to relapse over! but everyone was supportive and said if I need anything they would help me, I dont normally like to admit I need help on anything but I might take a few of them up on stuff or bug em for help or attention or to escort me to yoga classes or something.. anyways I did want to respond to ...hang on have to scroll up to get the user name...Lil tex...the intutive eatting I owned that book for a long time:) know it well and tried that program way back when I was still married and not on pills or nothing at all .. Never had any luck with weight loss with it..infact gained..lmao my intutition seems to really wanna look like a fertility statue:) and well considering I am female and my DNA wants to look like a fertility statue, that would make sense:) and honestly theres nothing wrong with looking like a fertility statue..they are kinda hot! but yeahhh for me..and it could of been my add too ..l have no patience for anything that I dont see fairly fast results with..I SUCK AT IT..and I am afraid that stress would trigger a relapse at this point..really do.. I teach tribal belly dance..so I do get my exercise there..although for the next few weeks we will be covering very slow....snakey...movements I am sure..lmfao I think for me part of my orginal weight issues, although I have never been truely obese, but I am a hourglass with a strong pear bottom of my glass..lol Have you ever been in a store and seen a overweight woman whose hips, thighs and butt are atleast 3 times as large as the rest of her? thats me...lmao only I have never been over weight to make it as pronounced and exgarrated as that, but if I was thats exactly what I would be shaped and look like.. and some part of me is kinda grateful my weight does hit my female spots and not my tummy..but still its werid knowing the bottom half of you is really thick while your cheek bones, collar bones and tiny pathetic chicken arms look thin as hell...lol I have my own therioes with my body shape especially about estrogen dominance but I am not ready for the anti estrogen diet yet..just not in the mood..lmao but if i was to attempt anything next it would probabbly be more along them lines..I know something is a lil funky with my hormones and my guess is my thighs are a direct reflection of that..lol but thats for a bit later..right now I am just trying not to pig out and force myself to half assed keep awake and semi active... I am really mourning having to go back to caring what I eat, my most favorite and sad letting go of adderall is simply that I havent had to diet in so long now..or care..or even read a article or give a shit about a carb...god it was freeing after so many years.. to just live without paying any dam attention to food... yeah I am gonna cry...gotta go..lmao redbull here I come baby..hang on..lmao
  3. btw your flower necklass sounds fabulous..and I am a beach freak too..I live in nevada so the california ones arnt too far away...but cant afford it right now either.. my first reward is getting a professional massage after I am over day 7
  4. ! I do want to put some balance in here..as I feel my posts might be triggering to someone dealing with weight gain from quiting..just remember atleast for me without drinking my sex drive was diminished..so being thin didnt equal being hot and sensual and a fabulous lover that would drive men wild by any means.. and to be honest...when I have been fatter..I get flirted with 100 times more then when I am spaced out , annoyed by people and making the something is stuck up my ass nervous face when out and about and the pill starts to wear off..lmao I am thinking a friendly , Hi I like sex and men face still beats a thin body with a I hate people face... atleast to the men that matter in the first place.. and yes during the initial 1-2 hours on the pill I was actually more social and relaxed..I am talking about the following 4 hours if you forget to take another pill out in public..lol and seriously for those of you younger ones here..you can get away with it for a long time, but for us older ones..you know what I mean by it will put lines on your face and saggy skin on your body that aint no shape wear lingere gonna hide honeys..lmao .. and most guys i know will take a chubby young looking girl after a dried up dehydrated bitchy looks 80 yr old woman any day.. so let that stick in anyone struggling out there heads today chubby and hydrated is sexier..sorry it just is..especailly as you near the 40's...
  5. I also want to thank you to motivation follows action to your honesty on relapsing after the first 20 pounds set in.. I wont lie to you...right now I am having a hell of a time believing i wont do the same dam...thing...I really am..I am not gonna sugar coat it and not be real about it...but I am so grateful just to have a person to be honest too and say that yes, I am stupid enough to face paranoia, anxiety, being emotionally cold to friends over a 20 lb weight gain..yes...yes I fricken am just that human and girly...lol and it feels really good to be honest...and maybe that in its self is the mojo that will stop me from being that big of a ass to myself.. well see....I am just glad I have you guys..thank you..
  6. and to the person who asked me where my stash is..uh legally..I am gonna say I flushed it, I didnt, but theres some money in my purse that was not there yesterday and I no longer have pills in my home...thats allllll I am gonna say..but were gonna call that flushing..and the point is no i have no access to them.. but I will at the end of the month when I can get a refill...and no I havent done anything to prevent that yet..lol but I am pondering it....give me a moment...lol atleast I cant get them for the next 2.5 weeks..
  7. OK still some typos but I think way more legible now..LOL And yes I am gonna be dead honest here...I do not have total faith in myself that in 20 lbs from now I wont go omg screw this and go get a refill..LOL But I am here and willing to try..and I am so grateful for all of you because I am gonna need told NO! lol Because I really hate being fat..omg I hate it..lmao But seriously because of my spiritual tendencies that fear that I am putting bad juju in my life with the amphetimines is getting pretty serious too...maybe that fear is a bit looney and part of speed psychosis..really dont care..lmao I just know for now its actually the one thing that is worrying more then being fat...and thats really mature for me cuz most of my life I have been a very shallow thin obbessed woman..lmao so were gonna hope that nearing 40 has slapped some sense into me and I can love myself fatter! snickers..yahhhhh well see...lmao but I am here to try! Anything to be able to sleep and stay hydrated and not look fricken elderly in the face...right now that is actually more annoying then the fat.. and to not find my wonderful friends who I used to love so much..annoying because they are crying or venting or upset.. I miss being really sweet and genuine and empathtic to people not just be like..omg shut up and let me google random theories that are totally so unimportant to my life its stupid..lmao so heres to finding the way back to sweetness..sugar..empathy..peace and love...for even the most weepy of my friends and people..lol and to a younger looking face...and good sleep...even if it means double digits in jeans..and huge thighs... lol I saw that now cuz I am not in those jeans yet.....I am gonna need my hand held when I am...lmao
  8. Thank you I am on the laptop now, I did not realize how bad the auto correct was destroying my post last night..LOL I am gonna go fix it so its a little more legibile.l tried to re read it this morning and was like omg thats bad..lmao
  9. So tomorrow I'm done. I've had it with adderall. I'm so glad I found this board. My name is Jessica and I'm scared of quitting adderall but can't stand being on it anymore. I'll be very honest I used it as a diet pill mostly for the past 6 months. I do have add issues but I'm just being honest...... I didn't go to the doctors with a pure hearted intention of treating my add I went because I had been trying to loose these dam 30 lbs that came on around age 36 after having my last child that would not fricken budge. .I was sick of obsessing over calories and my only adult time free time being spent at the gym just to maybe if lucky loose a whopping half a fricken pound every 2.5 weeks only to gain 5 when my period would come lol Years ago I had a cocaine addiction, were talking way back, in the late 1980s, when I think half the world also had a cocaine addiction..lol After highschool I quit all drugs for a good 15 years because I became at mother for the first time at 20 and had 3 wonderful children since that kept me out of that world and pretty busy with life. After my divorce I had to work nights, I ended up using Meth because I am a idiot, and well really because I couldnt find cocaine or adderall...and just could not stay awake all night, for about ten months till I actually ended up doing so badly at the end I lost the job. . That was sheer hell and I would never ever want to ever go back to that psychotic paranoid emotional rollar coaster mess again .... After being clean I got pregnaunt by my at the time kinda on and off again boyfriend and .gained more weight on top of the weight I gained from quitting meth, After I had the baby I did manage to get a few lbs off but it was ridculous how much effort it took just to loose 1 or 2 lbs, like seriously it was taking months of nothing but trying to just loose tiny little amounts. Knowing I have a long history of add diagnosis from my teens I said screw it..and figured hey It's legal it cant get as bad as when I was doing meth, and went to my doctor. Life onj adderall was really good atfirst. First two months were fabulous. I had energy..calm focus..smiled alot..the weight came right off slowly with absoutely no effort, no exercise, and I sure as hell wasnt hungry...lol . And my god it was nice to not obbess on food...life long calorie counters and food watchers know what I mean. .....To not let food take over the majority of your daily energy is amazing. I also liked my impulses were dulled. I didn't binge shop lol I was more patient..didn't make my notorious rash decisions.. But then what everyone tells you will happen with amphetimines ..started to happen...The Dark Side appeared... Now when I compare Meth to Adderall I want to be very fair here , I was a light meth user, especially at first were talking a few little lines a day, and never smoked it, I cant say I was the biggest tweeker in the world, although by the end of the time I spent messing with it, It was alot more lines a day and I was basically a paranoid shizophernic lol But I dont want another ex meth addict to think I am disprecting that it is much much more wikked of adderall but I do want to be honest and say in my experince adderall does really have the same sort of *patterns* for me...Especially once I started to snort my adderall, they really began to truely resememble each other with the intensity starting to dimish in the comparrison real fast.. Around month 4 I noticed the Adderall taking the same creepy turn as meth had, around the same month 4 actualy if I remember correctly... Daily hours of sheer annoying , all consuming anxiety after last dose had peaked...Id start off the day a fricken a creative genius and wise and amazingly inventive for about a hour or 2. Max ..... then for the next 4 or 5 hours if I don't take another pill or snort I get anxious.. .my body would be off.... I drop things, get clumsy, can't remember why I just walked into a room..can't find things I just put down..which that's me naturally.to a extent..lol ..but on Adderall it just pisses me off more and stresses me out more...and people start annoying me more and I'll just sit and obbess on why speed both legal. its illlegal cousin , feel so wrong spirituality. I work in the area of metaphysical thought. It's a passion and my career. I'm not comfy calling things evil as it reminds me of religious zealouts who just assume anything is evil and toss the word around like its nothing, lol, ....I try to see it more as there's something about stimulants that seem to just intensely a persons inner shadow side...... But I have to admit after meth I did sometimes seriously question if there isn't a inherent almost black juju in a alchemy way to amphetamine. And the more time I spent goofying around with adderall the more I started to feel that all too familar feeling of..oh god..this stuff just is kinda inherintely filled with a dark black juju in a alchemy way almost... I had screwed up my first career with even light non smoked tiny amounts of meth daily. Now on legal adderall I was seeing old behavior and thought patterns and werid lil habits come back. A bit milder. But way to similar for my liking. But its come down to the God awful head stopping anxiety that was my last straw.. .I was starting to drink yummy flavored vodka and sprite as it seemed to be the only thing that could ease the after effects of my ast pill every day and when you drink yummy cocktails on a . Ohhh yeah haven't eaten a dam thing today empty stomach it would work wonderful, leaving me in a I feel so good I need to go out...Im gonna ignore the 100 emails I took the adderall to get through and go out and flirt with boys now and just go drink and then go to sleep.so to avoid insomina I choose alcholosim to cope with the dam Adderall..lol By 6 months of Adderall use my day became get up snort some adderall and take some too, then go to work, I would ignore the important things I needed to do there and just do unimportant werid tasks that always seem to be more fascinating on adderal ...lol then feel the spacey anxiety crap kick in and bam have to do more adderall to get back to that original cool first hour and a half cuz if not. I was gonna be miserable for the next 4 to 5 hrs and get nothing done due to anxiety that seemed to leave me brain dead. and omg people annoyed me...i was snippy sometimes..I had no time for people with emotions, and being female and having a herd of female friends omg ..I was always annoyed...lol cuz god knows they was always having emotions..lol Finally the past two weeks just got worse and.worse, due to dehydration and not quality sleep I look 90 at 39 ..lol I think I would rather be fat to be honest... I'm just over it...I'm gonna be tired..blah...and have to buy fat girl outfits for awhile but I ain't had crap of a sex drive since being on adderall unless I am drunk... so its not like anyone is really gonna see the chub...lol Well actually my sex drive will probably come back now that I am quitting right as I get fat ..but oh well ...Ill live..lol If the withdrawl goes as typical to the patterns of meth withdrawl did , I expect for the next 4 days to feel like I wanna puke, nap, puke, nap, I am gonna be depressed, and tired.. after about day 5 to 7 I will be insanely hungry..tired...less depressed but a bit senstive and emotional.. and well..tired and hungry..lol by week 2 I will be getting fat..and still tired..but happier... by week 3 and 4....other then the weight gain and some fatigue the worst will be over thats how it was with meth..after the first month I was back to my regular sefl totally actually ..which they say meth takes 6 months..nah for me it took about a week to not be in hell...then about a month to be who I was before meth so I figure it will be similar with Adderall...I used them in a similar way for a similar amount of time..I am lucky I can only handle feeling like I am living in a bad juju way for less then a year ..I cant imagine quitting either after years and years of use.. but so here I go..off to fat tired blah land for a week or two vacation here.. yay me..lmao but I dont care..I just want it over....I want to put this as far back behind me as possible...to where i can barely remember it....
  10. Sorry I forget to always check what my auto correct is saying without me..hopefully it was all clear enough!
  11. deleted due to double post..
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