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Matt123

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  1. I am nineteen about to be turning twenty. I am in college going for engineering. A friend gave me adderall one day when i was struggling in one of my classes. It was amazing i was able to ace the next test with flying color because of how good i did. He recomended that i go see my doctor and try to get a script which i promptly did. I was prescribed 30mg vyvanse and suddenly i was able to do great in school. But it didn't take me long to start abusing it. I loved the high it gave me and it made me feel powerful and in control for the first time in my life. First i need to give a bit of my own personal background. My dad was in the military for 21 years and we lived in several different places in my life. I lived on military bases until i was in the seventh grade. He had retired and we moved to where my mom grew up so she could take care of my grandma who had just started to really go downhill. My parents were always very strict on me and my older sister hated me so i was always a bit of a loner, i didn't really have anyone to talk to so i became very introverted. I am a bit on the small side and i am horrible at sports, i am not at all athletic. So i was a easy target for most bullies. The school that i started attending after my dad got out of the military is a very small school since it is in a country area, we only had ninety students in our graduating class. And being a small school it was already a tight group when i moved down and i was never accepted by anyone due to me being a bit on the awkward side. So i spent high school being a loner and tried to stay out of the way since i knew i wasn't welcomed. This led to me developing several insecurities about myself, which played a big part in why i became addicted to my vyvanse. When i first started taking the medication i found that i was a completely different person, i was able to talk to people easier and i was able to get confidence in myself and it got to the point where i never wanted that to stop. I kept pushing the amount i took but tried to stay reasonable but i went overboard several times. I was one fifty when i went to college and now i have to struggle to raise my weight higher than 115. For awhile i was 110 and it started to scare me. I was going days without eating much because my appetite was nonexistent while taking the meds. I kept telling myself i needed to stop but as school went on the classes kept getting tougher and i kept having to take more and more so i could study and pull alnighters so i could pass. The stress of college was bad but it wasn't the worst part. I am happy on the pills and before i started taking them i was never happy. I described myself as being content before hand because i didn't really live my life. I stayed at home friday and saturday nights so in my mind i was trying to just stay content. I was scared of human interactions because of years of isolation that i felt. So even when i have downtime from school and the stress is relieved i still have urges to take my pills when i can't stand the depression that i start to feel. And this next part i am very ashamed about but in my first semester of college i started to have an affair with a married woman. i lost my virginity to her and i fell in love with her because she was the first woman to ever treat me like i was special. Even though it started as a drunken fling. I am extremely awkward around women so i don't have very good luck with girls. But with older women i can talk to them normally since before this i never really felt sexual tension towards older women and it came more naturally since i wasn't trying to get with them. I do feel bad about the fact that i am having an affair but what puts me in a horrible position is i didn't know this lady was depressive before we hooked up. And when i tried to tell her i wanted to stop, even though i still loved her, she wouldn't hear it. She broke out into hysterics when i told her and she told me that she would kill herself if i left her and i just can't live with that fact. the guilt of what i am doing often sends me to my bottle of pills since i am in my own world when i am on them and i am able to experience a break from reality because of how intensely i get drawn into what ever i am doing when i am speeding on vyvanse. I tried to slowly back away from the affair but i became impossible because her mother died and she latched onto me so hard it is hard to break free. I am scared for what she would do if i left and i couldn't live with that guilt. I feel so trapped and it is slowly killing me but she won't listen anytime i bring it up. And she even scares me sometimes. If i accidentally leave my phone in another room for awhile she will leave me thousand texts and phone calls because i won't answer her and the voicemails she leaves always have her crying because she can't reach me. I don't know what to do. And all these things pushed me farther and farther into the vyvanse addiction to where it is at the point to where i don't know who i am anymore. I am ashamed of myself and i can't stand what i have become. The big wake up call came recently when i was so stressed out that without really paying attention i eneded up taking about 200mg of vyvanse within a day since every time i don't stressed or annoyed i popped a pill until i realized i had ran out. I wasn't able to sleep for two days because of that. I want my old self back but i don't know how to get it. i know if i quit my grades will drop and i won't be able to handle the stress of my life. I don't know if my story is one anyone here can help me with but i just need someone to talk to who has some experience with adderall or vyvanse because i honestly don't know who else to talk to. Noone i personally know has dealt with this kind of addiction. There is so much more i could say but i don't know what else to say at this moment. Any help would be greatly appreciated and i am desperate for someone to just talk to me for awhile. Thanks
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