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Everything posted by Cassie

  1. I miss my quittingadderall friends!

    Yay Ashley! I was worried about you. Glad you're at 3 years! We quit only 4 months apart. I agree that improvement between 2 and 3 years is huge!
  2. The 60 day challange "reloaded"

    For me, days 30-120 were the worst of the, sounds pretty normal. Consider the first six months "very early recovery." Lower your expectations drastically.
  3. Out of Nowhere, Like a Freight Train

    Addiction: the belief that you need a chemical substance to compensate for a personal weakness or lack of skill. This is your addiction talking. Push past it. Give it a few weeks and you'll probably feel fine again and silly at the same time because a few weeks ago you thought it was the end of the world. For what it's worth, at 3 years I am doing much better than 2 years. MUCH better. I am finally living a life free of fear and suspicion. Hell no you do not want to go through this shit all over again. Your 'alternative theory' is addict thinking, plain and simple. It boils down to the fantasy 'It will be different this time.' Recognize this. Reread all of your posts, in chronological order. You went to rehab for God's sake. If you're exhausted from trying, stop trying for awhile. Live your life without self improvement as a goal. Or just focus on doing one thing, like making a short to do list every morning. Maybe you can elaborate on what you mean by "can't keep my life organized" and we can offer more suggestions
  4. The 60 day challange "reloaded"

    Congrats on 216 days! I was really fatigued and depressed around that point too, as I'm sure all us long timers were. It's normal. You just have to push through it. You say you can barely go to work, but you can go to work. It's not impossible. And not having any motivation for the first year or so is par for the course. After a year my energy levels started improving. Consider wellbutrin for a short term energy boost. Also, eating small meals throughout the day helped me.
  5. One Word Status Update

    You could always go on the interview and then take some time to decide. It sounds like you're happy where you are though. Plus a longer commute doesn't sound appealing. Why did you apply for the job in the first place? When I got off Adderall I really wanted a new job and I didn't care if it was less money, but it took me 18 months before I had the confidence to start looking for other jobs and go on interviews. If money is the main benefit of the new job but you wouldn't be as happy, that could be a problem.
  6. I've been on a lot of job interviews in my life, and not once has an interviewer asked or cared what grades I got in college. They care about your skills, your ability to learn, and your attitude. I guess the exception would be students trying to get into medical school, but for the most part, these students are being sold a bill of goods, and they'll realize it as soon as they're in the real working world.
  7. Wow, great post. Your dad sounds like an incredible asshole. Glad you managed to escape that hell and move forward with your life. You've gotten a good education on who you don't want to be, now it's time to create the life you want from the ashes.
  8. Weird Feelings

    I remember feeling really weird at 18 months clean. I made a string of bad decisions (including quitting my job without having any prospects) and I was really frightened, had no confidence in my ability to learn new things, felt socially awkward, was anxious meeting people, and just generally felt lost and confused. After 3 years sober I feel like myself again. 3 years was a big turning point for me, much more so than 2 years. I have confidence again and most importantly, I feel like I'm in control of myself and my feelings. I feel strong. I didn't use for as long as you (5 years), so don't compare your timeline to mine, but everything does heal in time. There's no choice but to keep moving forward. In a few years you will thank yourself.
  9. Do any Doctors Even Understand?

    It sucks, but the only real cure is time. There's no money in waiting for time to heal.
  10. Do any Doctors Even Understand?

    Never tried it, but according to manufacturer and NIH, 'this medicine can be habit-forming.' Same warning for amphetamines so why even go down that road. That's why many on this site use Wellbutrin in the beginning - no 'habit forming' (aka addiction) warnings.
  11. Do any Doctors Even Understand?

    If you need an interim solution, I recommend Wellbutrin. I would stay away from anything habit forming (progivil). If you can't find a counselor with addiction experience, go to NA or Smart Recovery.
  12. Anyone here completely back to normal?

    I feel back to normal after 3 years, but I used for 5 years which is quite a long time. It's easier to see your progress over years rather than months. Sounds scary to a newbie, but once you get to a year sober time just flies by, as opposed to the really slow first 6 months/year sober. You don't have permanent brain damage, it just takes a long time to repair. I personally think you need to give it as much time as you were on the drug. Think of brain repair like weight loss. If you gained 50 pounds in a year, you wouldn't expect to be able to lose it in a month, would you?
  13. Do any Doctors Even Understand?

    What are you hoping a doctor will do for you? If you are trying to stay off pills I would recommend a counselor, not a psychiatrist.
  14. Question for those who have been sober over a year

    I wasn't even close to feeling fully recovered after 1 year. I felt better at 2 years, and way better at 3 years.
  15. Is Adderall a Gateway Drug?

    I became addicted to adderall later in life, so it wasn't a gateway drug for me. I drank more on it though (because I could drink a lot without getting tired). I believe there are a couple studies showing that ADHD kids on adderall are less likely to use other drugs later on, but you have to keep in mind that almost all drug studies are funded by the pharmaceutical industry, and that they are free to leave any studies casting their drugs in a negative light unpublished. There's so much publication bias in medicine (not to mention poorly designed studies) that you will never get the whole picture. I believe a kid on adderall long term would definitely be more susceptible to doing other drugs, including abusing adderall.
  16. Being clean

    It's amazing what you've accomplished in only 4 years off Adderall. I agree with looking back on how ridiculous my thinking was on adderall. After a few years sober you realize life is long and nothing is permanent and on adderall (and newly sober) you just can't see the forest for the trees.
  17. Weight changes

    It's only been 40 days - that's not a long time to have quit something. I kept gaining weight for the first 3 months off Adderall, then my appetite and metabolism started to normalize and I lost the weight. Your body, mind and hormones will adjust over time.
  18. Coming Clean

    I didn't mean to imply in my post that my husband wants me to take adderall again. Our relationship was terrible on adderall and that was one of my main reasons for quitting. Things are great now and I don't think he meant any harm with that comment. Ask your husband about the positive changes. I'm sure he can name off a bunch of them!
  19. Not again.

    You can't compare yourself to other people. You doped your brain for 12 years. That's much longer than most of us. Plus your brain is different now with kids. It seems way premature to throw in the towel after just two years, which is barely any time sober compared to how long you used. Why don't you commit to another year and see a therapist, go to NA, get in shape, get some hobbies, take an antidepressant - these are just some ideas to help pass the time so your brain can heal from your long term addiction.
  20. Confused

    You get your motivation back but it takes a lot of time. Nothing is wrong with your frontal lobe, other than it's been chemically disrupted and it takes a long time to return to normal. Like you said, it's unsustainable. You're continually creating a greater chemical imbalance in your brain and the addiction gets worse over time. I admire you for telling your doctor. That shows commitment.
  21. Relapsing

    I had several half-assed quits that lasted a month here and there. The first time I tried to seriously quit, I relapsed after 2 months and took Adderall for another 9 months. During those 9 months, I was planning for the next quit. The time of year was important to me (slow at work and nice weather). The second time I tried to seriously quit was 3 years ago, and I haven't touched Adderall since. You can quit on your own if you really want to and you completely cut off your access to the drug. IFIHADKNOWN, my doctor said the same thing, that "you should feel fine after 30 days." Haha, what a load of crap.
  22. Has this happened to anyone else?

    No, your natural motivation returns but it takes time. 7 months is still really early.
  23. 3 years

    So, my three year clean date was Dec. 16, but I didn't think about it until a few days later. Life is so much better than it was two years ago, and even one year ago. I finally have a job that I really like and I'm grateful for that. I'm continuing to see gains in energy and motivation. I'm not a big 'gym' person, but I have been walking and hiking a lot (while the weather is nice in AZ). The biggest gain I've noticed is that my skin is getting thicker the longer I'm free of addiction. When I first quit Adderall (and even in the first 2 years clean), I was so fragile and hypersensitive about everything. If I failed at something, it felt like the end of the world. My ego was weak. I still struggle with failure and taking risks, and with being self conscious in social situations at times, but it's getting better. I had thick skin and a decent sense of self before Adderall, until Adderall ruined it. If any newbies are reading this: in the beginning Adderall solves your problems. Over time, it exacerbates them. That is why your drug use must come to an end at some point. When you quit, you are starting from that place of heightened misery - that Adderall has caused. It takes an incredible amount of time to rid yourself of those problems naturally, but that's the only way to make the changes stick. The mental anguish you feel in the first year or two of quitting Adderall is temporary. You need to persevere to see the gains. Happy holidays, my quitting Adderall friends!
  24. 12 Years On Adderall and Ready To Quit

    I agree with AlwaysAwesome. I was a straight A student too. I started taking Adderall at age 26, four years after college and already experienced in the workforce. I didn't need it, just wanted the boost. I worked fine without it before, but now I still struggle, 3 years off it. It's much better though. I'd say I'm 90-95% recovered. I feel normal almost every day. The problem is you will be anhedonic for a long time after you quit, and you'll feel slow and dull and socially awkward. You have to have a lot of patience as your brain recovers from all the doping. Have you never taken periodic breaks from it over the 12 years, like a week or month off here and there? Do you take weekends off?
  25. Impact of Stress on Recovery

    I think you're fatigued because you're only 5 months clean, and you'd feel that way working in any job. My job after quitting Adderall wasn't stressful on paper, but I made it stressful with my constant performance anxiety. When I changed jobs 18 months later, learning a new job and meeting new people caused huge spikes in stress. Before Adderall this stuff didn't stress me out at all. Your sober brain simply has to relearn how to deal with stress. This takes time. I would stay at the job you know how to do until it no longer feels as stressful. Just my two cents