[3 years]

So, my three year clean date was Dec. 16, but I didn't think about it until a few days later. 

 

Life is so much better than it was two years ago, and even one year ago. I finally have a job that I really like and I'm grateful for that. I'm continuing to see gains in energy and motivation. I'm not a big 'gym' person, but I have been walking and hiking a lot (while the weather is nice in AZ). 

 

The biggest gain I've noticed is that my skin is getting thicker the longer I'm free of addiction. When I first quit Adderall (and even in the first 2 years clean), I was so fragile and hypersensitive about everything. If I failed at something, it felt like the end of the world. My ego was weak. I still struggle with failure and taking risks, and with being self conscious in social situations at times, but it's getting better. I had thick skin and a decent sense of self before Adderall, until Adderall ruined it. 

 

If any newbies are reading this: in the beginning Adderall solves your problems. Over time, it exacerbates them. That is why your drug use must come to an end at some point. When you quit, you are starting from that place of heightened misery - that Adderall has caused. It takes an incredible amount of time to rid yourself of those problems naturally, but that's the only way to make the changes stick. The mental anguish you feel in the first year or two of quitting Adderall is temporary. You need to persevere to see the gains.

 

Happy holidays, my quitting Adderall friends!

[reading comprehension in the shitter]

Wellbutrin is a good transition drug to help with focus after adderall (I've taken it in the past, short term). I was a voracious reader before adderall and it took a year or so for my reading to get back to the same level. Everyone has add after adderall, regardless of whether they had it before, so be patient and work to get out of the mindset that you need a drug to compensate for a lack of skill. That is addict thinking.

[another bad day...?]

I was a mess working off Adderall for the first year or so, and my job was really lax as well. I had to physically go to work every day, but I barely did anything and had no motivation (the first 6 months was the worst, then it gradually got easier). I had no oversight or deadlines (I was the boss), which made things really difficult. I felt better when I got a new job after 18 months that was more fast paced, micromanaged and deadline oriented. A job that didn't require abstract thinking/planning and gave me very clearly defined goals (and I was also very overqualified for).

 

Now that I'm off Adderall for 3 years, I'm back in a job just like the lack-of-oversight one I had for the first 18 months sober, but it feels totally different now. I have the self motivation to do all the things I need to do, and I love being in control of my own job. Weirdly, I now have days here and there where I feel like I'm on Adderall. I'm all amped up, super focused, anxious, and obsessively think. I hate it. I hate those ruminating, obsessive thought patterns you get when you're sped up, and the feeling that everything is a life or death situation, no matter how minute in the grand scheme of things. I'm so over that anxious, manic feeling of self-importance. 

 

It takes a ton of time for self motivation to return (years for me), so you have to rely on fear motivation in the interim to get work done. Find someone you can be accountable to for work if you don't have anyone, or have consequences for not working. Fear of getting fired/losing my income/being homeless, etc. kept me going. You need to pull fear from somewhere because you won't have inner drive to motivate you. Unless you have the ability to not work for a while, then holy shit, do that and save yourself the mental anguish. But, most people don't have that luxury.

 

Another thing is, the grass is always greener. When you're first getting sober, everything sucks. If I'd had a job with more accountability in the beginning, I would have been wishing I could slack off more because I was so tired and unmotivated all the time. I would have had anxiety about getting fired every day. You'll always be wishing for a magical scenario which makes being off adderall less uncomfortable, but it sucks getting clean regardless. You just have to muddle through the first year, or two, or three, until your work habits are as they should be. 

[Scared of relapsing - help!]

YES, we long timers have all felt that way. I would say the first year is 'early recovery'. You're nowhere near your normal self yet. I had strong cravings for the first 18 months. You have to measure your progress in years, not months. Like, 2 yrs vs 1 yr. Think of this as recovering from a brain injury - it takes a long time and there are no short cuts. "8 months is nothing," you will be saying 2 years from now.

[this is so hard]

Yep, withrawal is a long and tedious process and you have to take a long view of recovery or you will be miserable. You used a drug for 10 years, so think of recovery in terms of years, not months. Your first year sober will probably suck but after the first 6 months or so time started to go much faster for me. Not trying to scare you, just giving you a reality check. Learn to deal with the discomfort rather than avoid it because that's just not possible.

[dental health & adderall]

Yes, the dehydrating effect of adderall causes less saliva production, which is bad for your teeth. I personally have never had problems with my teeth on or off adderall but I know a lot of people here have, and there is a lengthy article on this site about how Mike (site's founder) had to get extensive dental work done due to adderall usage.

[day 30(ish??) weight gain/depression....really want to give up]

Hey dangerbean,

You have to drastically lower your expections of yourself. I barely did anything at work for the first few months. Set a goal to do one task a day. Low expectations are key. Thinking you will have motivation this soon off speed will lead to relapse, as will keeping pills around.

You should read all the articles and posts on this site to get an idea of what to expect. Mainly, get used to being fat and useless during the first several months sober. These are the dues you pay for unnaturally speeding up your brain and body for an extended period of time.

[Quitting of Adderall due to to Unique Symptoms]

You're only 3 months sober so hopefully some of those adderall induced side effects will recede with time. I waited a year+ before making any major life changes (job change, adopting a pet) and I'm really glad I had the foresight to wait. Also, I believe you can't join the military if you've used stimulants within the past year (unless you lie of course) or if you have certain health issues. My point is, consider waiting a while before making any major life decisions like joining the military.

Many of us were not abusers either, yet still were very addicted from daily use of stimulant drugs. You learned to be emotionally attached to adderall and unlearning that takes time.

[Human connection post-Adderall]

Everyone is different, but I didn't feel 'normal' socially again until I'd been off Adderall for 2 1/2 years. You will eventually be your old self again - it just takes time. You are slowly relearning all of the habits of a sober person.

[What is your real name??]

I use my middle name because my first name is too unusual..only one person from this site knows it and that's because we've met in person several times.

[What shows are you watching?]

Revenge

Californication

Bojack Horseman

Only have netfix, no cable

[What have you learned from recovery?]

For starters - Patience, faith, humility, empathy and letting go of control.

[Adderall social hierarchy?]

I was an arrogant, impatient know-it-all on adderall. Pretty immature if you ask me. Like Krax, I've found (most) people I've ever met on adderall to be annoying.

[CBA - Cost Benefit Analysis]

Hey liltex,

I was just in a funk for awhile - tired, brain fog, eating a lot. So I started taking a multivitamin and a fish oil pill, and within a couple days the fog had lifted and I had energy again. So I think I just had a vitamin deficiency. Might be something to try. There's always another way!

[CBA - Cost Benefit Analysis]

Cassie I understand and I know this doesn't make a difference, but who runs those media outlets? Don't get me wrong men can be just as influenced and messed up by media messages as women (maybe in different ways), but I'm just saying. One other thing, just to add, is that I can honestly tell you that were I single and interested in a particular female - and I doubt I'm that unusual - if she had added or subtracted 10 or 20 pounds - It would not make a difference in my being interested in her. I may prefer one way or the other, and none of us are perfect, but really, it wouldn't change my mind about her.

I have women in my life that struggle with weight and it just frustrates me what the media BS does to women and girls. I had a (female) doctor tell my daughter she was overweight when she wasn't at all (nobody thinks that she is, the women looks at this height/weight chart and just tells her she's fat. My daughter has more muscle mass, which weighs then fat, from her dancing, but she is NOT FAT). I was pissed! Who tells a 17 year old girl that? What is this, the 1950's?

Doesn't matter who runs the media outlets - women want to see skinny models and they are the consumers of fashion and beauty products. Women may say they want to see real women but if that were true in the aggregate then that's what would be portrayed. Kind of like how people said they wanted salads at McDonald's during focus groups and when they introduced salads they sold horribly. All media have the same advertising goals, to make you feel that buying their products/looking a certain way will help you achieve happiness. If you're reading fashion magazines, the images are for you.

I'm defending guys here because you're right, it's no secret that men don't want a chick that looks like a 12 year old boy. It's women that are ultimately at fault for beauty standards in the media.

[CBA - Cost Benefit Analysis]

I have news for you ladies on this weight thing: most guys don't like women that look like 10 year old boys anyways. I, like many guys would rather have a woman have excess weight then not enough, seriously. The media and the fashion industry are run by gay guys. They don't like women anyways. They create this impression of what makes a woman physically attractive, and it isn't what most straight guys want. Isn't that what defines attractiveness? What the opposite sex wants? If I was single and I hit on a gal, and she was straight and rejected me, it would hurt my feelings. If she was a lesbian, I wouldn't care. See what I mean? I am sympathetic to you ladies because I know it's hard to find clothes and all, but I just had to throw that out there.

I don't have weight/body image issues myself, but from what I understand, women that do are more concerned about how other women see them rather than men. So the pursuit of skinniness is for other women. Not saying liltex or anyone has body issues, just what I've read about women with eating disorders and negative body image. And magazines are all about promoting an unattainable body image because their goal is to have you compare yourself to other women and buy their products because you feel inadequate.

[WIll I Ever STOP Thinking About Adderall??????]

Yeah, at four months I was definitely still thinking about it nonstop.

[I hate not being on adderall]

Hey Mark,

Everything adderall gives you in the beginning, it takes away in the end. You just weren't on it long enough to experience that decline. This is true for any drug addiction.

[ADD is not real]

I've have read in a number of posts the assertion that there is a dopamine deficiency in ADHD sufferers, but am wondering for those who believe this if they are aware of any scientific evidence supporting this belief?

Even if there is a dopamine deficiency, it's the result of brain pathways adapting to social/cultural conditioning. New environments and habits can change your brain chemistry. If it was a biological disorder one was born with then it should be equally prevalent in all westernized nations, no?

[ADD is not real]

It may be real but let's not pretend people are born with a dopamine deficiency. It's most definitely a result of cultural/social factors. How many Asian and Indian children are given ritalin because they can't focus on their schoolwork.

[" THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!]

Day 22 going strong.

This may sound dumb, but what exactly do I need to say to cut off my doctor? I don't have any appointments scheduled and don't have any scripts. But yes, in the past I got to the point where I frantically called trying to make a next-day appointment to get my hands on it. Do I need to call and say that I'll no longer be a patient? Do I tell them I have a dependency issue?

I told my doctor I was quitting because I was addicted and wouldn't be needing it anymore. You can tell them whatever you want, the point is just to articulate that you don't want another adderall prescription.

[Sleep study]

I thought narcolepsy was when you fall asleep while you're in the middle of doing things or not being able to sleep for a long stretch, not just needing a lot of sleep. I know tons of people who work long hours during the week and sleep a lot on the weekends. I think that's fairly common.

Obviously stimulants aren't an option. I remember reading in On Speed that the first sign amphetamines were addictive was when scores of people with narcolepsy began getting addicted to them in the 1930s. How easily we ignore history. Maybe you should tell these doctors that you can't tolerate stimulants, rather than you were addicted, because obviously these morons don't think stimulants are addictive despite you spilling your goddamn guts about it.

Before adderall I almost did a sleep study because I was tired a lot too and I thought I had narcolepsy. Then I found speed and we all know how that turned out! Thinking I had narcolepsy was an excuse for not putting in the effort to have more energy, like eating right (I eat 4-5 small healthy meals a day), being active daily, not smoking, and getting off all prescription drugs - including caffeine.

Now that I've put in the work to have natural energy, I have it.You know you can't just take a pill.

[" THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!]

Day 21, check. Startled by a physical craving for the drug today. Good thing I threw out my pills.

Did you cut off your supplier (doctor) so that getting more is not an option?

[What were the most banal things that enthralled you on adderall?]

Self help books/articles and reading Internet comments on every web page I went to. Took a long time to purge that crap from my brain.

[Did adderall cost you your job?]

When I was on adderall I had to do a lot of class presentations and it made my ego so fragile that I was terrified of any criticism. I was supposed to handout end of class surveys every class and I never did because I couldn't handle any negative feedback.

That fear of criticism lingered for 2 years after quitting adderall.

Yesterday at my new job I did three class lectures and immediately asked for feedback because I don't see feedback or criticism as a personal attack on my character anymore.