Leila

LOL, okay not totally but a little.... oh lord I just jumped off a cliff. I can do this. I can do this. I am awesome. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

IDK if anyone's been reading my journal but I've been struggling to stay off adderall. Been on it 8 years and the past few months I decided I needed to quit. Tried taper, cold turkey, taper, cold turkey... Then I was sober almost a week, and had a bunch of 5mg pills left. I thought I could just pop one here & there. As the days went by it turned from every 3days to every other day to every day. And 5mg to 10mg to 15mg today. (I'm hyper and adderalled up right now. 15mg is a lot since I don't take it regularly) Anyway, I was sitting here thinking, at this rate I'm just going to feel crappy till their gone... So I flushed them all!! And I'm scared and exhilerated and I feel free. I don't have to battle my will power. They are gone. I told my old Psychiatrist I wanted to go off them and he's out of state anyway. To get a new script I'd need to go to 3 evaluations and return every month and it'd cost a fortune. SO. That was it. They're gone. I'm going to be me again. I feel so brave, lol. I'm really proud of myself. That is all. :-)

Here's the place I got the cleanser from. It's pricey, but you only need a tiny bit. I'm sure there are cheaper brands with pH 5.5, but this one is really good, IMHO. http://www.livingnature.com/catalog/main.cfm?t=c&r=vw&cid=2085&ptid=1898

Everyone's got great suggestions. I'll add using the bare minimum for face wash. Get a face wash with a pH level as close to 5.5 as you can. That's the pH level of our skin. I used to use this great organic one and I stopped getting breakouts. It was amazing. God, I should go back on it. And aloe vera is very good for scars. Apple Cider Vinegar mixed with water is a good toner and slowly exfoliates over time. It's also the correct pH for your skin. Only you'll smell like feet.

So far I've taken adderall 2 days out of 8, and only at a 3rd of my normal dose. I think that's pretty good. Instead of 240mg going into my system over 8 days, only 40mg total. It's not ideal. A slow controlled taper would be better, or just cold turkey but I'm not there yet. It was very inspiring to notice my body healing itself. I actually CAN rest and laugh again. I didn't permanetly "break my brain" as I'd feared. I'm working up the courage to dump the rest of my pills out. Taking 10mg every couple of days isn't the goal, but for now it's a billion times better than where I was. Not much else to say. I'm focusing on making healthier meals and taking naps. Time goes by slower...and sometimes it's boring, but most times it's just brilliant to have a semi quiet mind and just look around at how beautiful my little life is. And god I love naps. Oh, and also I was worried I'd lose some of my creativity or bursts of energy... Once I got through the first 5 days I felt the real me coming back. And I'm WAY more fun then adderall me. I'm still creative and my energy feels real. It's not constant, but when I feel energized by something it comes from an honest place and then fades away naturally into relaxation, not "come downs".

Four Days without Adderall...today was the 5th day and I popped a 5 mg So the past 4 days I've been more exhausted than ever. I've been ANGRY. Very angry. Like, I wanna take a sledgehammer to everything angry. I did notice I looked a tiny bit better rested. The days took forever to go by... it's cold & snowy out. And I didn't trust myself to drive so it was just me trying to entertain Tot all day. Looooooong days. I did watch Dr. Who and read a bit. 2 things that are hard for me to do on adderall. (Watch anything with a storyline & sit still to read) I felt horrible. Just like this rage inside of me that I had to give up adderall. I hated myself and wanted to SI but I didn't. Anyone/thing I thought about I would find a reason to get mad. Except for Tot. Oddly enough he didn't annoy me at all and that's kinda amazing cuz you'd think a hyper toddler would be the last thing someone withdrawaling from adderall would want but it felt nice to snuggle and play. But my cat annoyed the sh*t outta me. This morning I was so tired. I still take klonopin at night to sleep and I couldn't sleep last night. I was SO SO tired but couldn't sleep. Anyway, I dropped the baby monitor twice cuz I fell asleep with it in my hand. I justified taking 5 mgs because I was tired... I don't know if i'll even feel anything but I already regret it. I have like 2 weeks worth of 5mg pills. I can't throw them out. In the past I've flushed pills, thrown them out, kept them around for weeks without touching them and given them away... but i can't bring myself to give these away/throw em out. Don't tell me that this means I'll keep using them till they're gone because I already know there's a good chance that'll happen. My dad said not to feel bad and if I need to take a small amount during the begining of quitting than that might be better. That is totally true, as long as I don't up myself back to 30mg a day. So for today, day 5, I'm on 5mg of adderall. And I feel like I just erased all the good I did and all the confidence I was building.

Thank you Motivation_Follows_Action. I was a bit embarassed after I wrote all that, but I hope it helps remind me & others how yucky adderall can make you feel. So tomorrow is Day One off Adderall Hub knows what he's getting into, and has offered to let me sleep in this weekend. He will try to help out during the week but he said there's a lot going on at work and he might have to work really late some days. On the inside I felt hurt- like he was choosing work over me- but I know that's just me being super needy and spoiled, lol. It's not like he can stop working all week. Hopefully after the weekend I'll be okay. I still have pills left... I can't throw them out... I can't get a new refill without a LOT of effort so once these are gone that's it. If I don't flush them, I wonder if that means I'll relapse? When Hub told me how busy his work week (and even tomorrow) will be for him I was "well should I quit next week? will it be too much for you?" And he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Then he said "I just don't want you to push it back and make reasons not to do it" Which I was. I'm already forgetting the negative effects, and rationalizing taking it. Thinking if I just got more sleep tomorrow, etc. etc. It's taking a LOT of focus for me to remember the FEELING of being unable to relax and enjoy myself while playing with Tot. That's the worst feeling...when I have to force smiles with him...it's not all day but once the addy wears off I feel edgy and he's little but he can sense it. I need to keep reminding myself of that. That's powerful enough to keep me sober. Okay, wish me luck this weekend. I probably wont post till Sunday if I'm lucky enough to be lazy and sleep.

4 hrs of sleep last night. Tried to sleep on only 0.5mg of klonopin instead of 1mg. I rationalized taking my afternoon addy dose instead of napping... needless to say I feel horrible, can't think straight. I realize I don't have to live in a self made nightmare. You guys are right, addy magnifies all the issues you have. I want to live a normal day and not dread 5pm because that's the hour when the come down begins and it's too late to take another pill. I live everyday with a knot in my stomach wondering if I will take the "Magic" amount of addy to feel alive but avoid the crash. A person should not dread the evening EVERY DAY. It's so depressing to write all this down. It's depressing to realize. But I'm hopeful because this Saturday will be Day 1 off addy. Update: 2:45pm I'm crying and have no idea why. I don't wanna be alive right now. I just want to sleep and when I wake up I get to start all over. I wouldn't EVER actually try to kill myself so no one get worried. I'm just venting. I'm not even coming down, I'm just so exhausted. I'm so far from the person I wanted to be. I have no friends or family near by, and I've tried to make new friends here but it's hard when I'm always exhausted and propped up on adderall/coffee. I told my family I'm quitting addy cold turkey. My mom didn't reply (email), but later we Skyped and no one mentioned it. One of my family members was gonna come up for a bit and help out but they changed their minds. I know I'll eventually make friends here, but for now I feel really alone. And right this second I feel so exhausted, my heart is racing, I'm lightheaded and I have to keep up with Tot until he goes to bed around 9pm. I hate catching my reflection. My whole life I've felt like I was dirty or ugly inside and now my outsides finally reflect it. My friends/family say I'm beautiful cuz they love me, but I know I'm not. The last guy I dated- this jerk before I met my husband- I found out he'd been making fun of me behind my back and saying how ugly I was up close because of my skin. That was years ago and it's only gotten worse. I look like a monster I just want to start over. I've wasted so many years and so many opportunities. I don't know why I feel so horrible right now? I guess I'm just tired. I haven't taken too many addy. I only took 30mg today, my normal amount. I just feel so weak right now. Update, again, like 5 mins later: I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I feel scared to stand up, and really short of breath. I'm telling myself it's mostly in my head and it's just the lack of sleep + adderall. Hub is away till thursday; I have to be strong for Tot. He'll be awake soon and I'm so nervous I'll faint or have a heart attack and he'll be all by himself! Is that irrational? That's irrational, I'm just very anxious right now. I need to calm down so I don't look upset when he wakes up. this sucks. my kitty can tell I'm upset and he's cuddled up beside me. I wish I was back home I could call my bestfriend and she'd come over.

You're doing so great! You're almost a whole month off of this cr*p. As for the teaching stuff; you said you're a bit worried because you don't have stuff as planned as on adderall, but I think the students will learn MORE from the non-tweaked you. They'll be able to relate to you and your normal energy.

Thank you Ashley! That's encouraging to hear. Congratulations on taking that class and graduating soon! I hope my social anxiety lessens too. I want to be able to connect with people again.

thank you guys. idk why but everytime anyone responds with ANYTHING I get teary eyed and feel some relief... Today was a blur...the morning was fun, paid a lot of attention to Tot, we played outside a long time, he napped & I painted. But after mid morning I felt very tense. Tot took a while to go down for his nap and I was getting so frustrated- like he wasn't napping at the proper time and it was cutting into my addy time slot...how horrible for a mommy to think those things... I feel like depression is setting in. Real depression, not just come down stuff. I'm worried about everything from the global economy to my family's health to my marriage to my frickin' closet being organized. It was BEAUTIFUL out today. After we came in from playing, and I was getting tense while Tot napped I felt uneasy with all the sunshine and fresh air (I opened the windows). For some reason all that good healthy stuff highlighted the sickness & unnaturalness of me on addy. Like I was Gollum from LOTR and I just wanted to hide in a dark cave with my precious. Hub called and I just felt vaquely mad at him (for no reason) and paranoid he was cheating (he's on a business trip), but mostly I just felt numb. He asked why my voice was so monotone and it's just cuz I was too tired to force an emotion. I know he thinks I'm sad too often. I wish I could at least pretend to be happy so I wouldn't seem like a sad sack around him, cuz THAT'S attractive. I am happy a lot. But I usually see him at the end of the day and by then I'm exhausted. And I guess since I'm close to him I let my guard down. I'm going to be sure to get out and see some people this week. I know next week will be withdrawal/exhaustion week. IDK what else to say. I'm glad this journal is helping others too. I hope I heal once I quit. My skin is so gross. My diet is horrible. I don't even know where to start without obsessing over it and bringing back my ED. I know quitting addy is only a piece of the puzzle. I have to eat right and exercise and be outside and be social. okay that's all i can ramble for now. time to sleep. I like the part in LOTR where Gollum says "Stupid FAT Hobbit!" lol, okay there I ended on a positive note.

Have to update now cuz I feel very UP and manic and now is a good time to document the crazy. I'm anxious that Tot will wake up soon. I keep starting different tasks only to get distracted by other ones. I feel almost OCD, like I can't sit down at the laptop until everything is situated *just so* I woke up feeling well rested! Wow...hasn't happened in forever. Today I took 35mgs... it's 3PM so I know I shouldn't take more but I feel like I'm coming down. That makes me want to take more, but I know logically taking more won't prevent a comedown. it'll just make me feel like crap. i'm paranoid that Hub is mad at me, but he isn't at all. I worked so hard on the house but I don't feel accomplished and proud afterwards. Just edgy and wanted more *stuff* to do. I'm scared to quit this weekend and in the months that follow. I don't wanna become socially anxious (or more so) and exhausted and boring. I have so many cool ideas and I do really cool things. What if I broke my brain and I can only have fun happy thoughts while on addy.... lol, broke my brain sounds funny to say. oh.... i'm a crackhead. okay, that's all for now. ~Captain's Log, Stardate 20133230000198

Thanks! It's from this artist on Deviant Art, agnes-cecile I thought it represented how I feel about addy pretty perfectly... Here's her profile: http://agnes-cecile.deviantart.com/prints/?itemids=-1&offset=48

Thank you for all the replies everyone. It helps so much to hear from others who've quit... I'm definitely only quitting addy now. Then work on lowering the frequency of klonopin. Then onto Lexapro. I just counted and realized I have 3 weeks of addy left, but I'm still quitting this weekend. That way I can crash and sleep with a bit less responsibilities. I'm spending this week wrapping up some things so hopefully I'll be less of a burden the first week quitting.

Liltex, I'm glad it helped! I think when I go back and read this rambling confused addy fueled words while sober, I'll be like "Ew...what the h*ll was my brain doing?" Yesterday, no real come down as I only took 30mg. I did feel extra annoyed. Hub noticed my exhaustion and said "go lay down" I said "No I wanna be with you guys. I love spending time with my family... I want to be near you guys (aw), I just want you to shut the f*ck up." LOL 3/23 Got to sleep in today. Took addy as normal. Feel on edge, extra exhausted. I keep getting very dizzy and my vision goes away if I stand up too quickly. I foolishly thought I might look refreshed since I slept in but I still look more zombie than girl. Emotions I'm nervous about talking to Hub about quitting. He's nervous I'll be useless and crazy for a month. We have no family or friends here and I am in charge of keeping the household running and taking care of Tot. Hub works hard and I feel so guilty that my adderall withdrawal will put more stress on him. Since I woke up late, I have less time to be on addy...i feel like there isn't enough time. I want to push pause. Hub is gonna cook a big dinner tonight (he LOVES cooking). I will pretend to be excited even though I'm never truly hungry. I can't remember the last time I felt real hunger and enjoyed a meal instead of just quik caffeine/sugar rushes. My thoughts are going quickly. I'm hurrying through all my tasks b4 Tot wakes up. I'm thinking of chores, my business, vacations, playdates, etc. I feel so overwhelmed by it all and so tired...