Leila

LOL, okay not totally but a little.... oh lord I just jumped off a cliff. I can do this. I can do this. I am awesome. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

IDK if anyone's been reading my journal but I've been struggling to stay off adderall. Been on it 8 years and the past few months I decided I needed to quit. Tried taper, cold turkey, taper, cold turkey... Then I was sober almost a week, and had a bunch of 5mg pills left. I thought I could just pop one here & there. As the days went by it turned from every 3days to every other day to every day. And 5mg to 10mg to 15mg today. (I'm hyper and adderalled up right now. 15mg is a lot since I don't take it regularly) Anyway, I was sitting here thinking, at this rate I'm just going to feel crappy till their gone... So I flushed them all!! And I'm scared and exhilerated and I feel free. I don't have to battle my will power. They are gone. I told my old Psychiatrist I wanted to go off them and he's out of state anyway. To get a new script I'd need to go to 3 evaluations and return every month and it'd cost a fortune. SO. That was it. They're gone. I'm going to be me again. I feel so brave, lol. I'm really proud of myself. That is all. :-)

Here's the place I got the cleanser from. It's pricey, but you only need a tiny bit. I'm sure there are cheaper brands with pH 5.5, but this one is really good, IMHO. http://www.livingnature.com/catalog/main.cfm?t=c&r=vw&cid=2085&ptid=1898

Everyone's got great suggestions. I'll add using the bare minimum for face wash. Get a face wash with a pH level as close to 5.5 as you can. That's the pH level of our skin. I used to use this great organic one and I stopped getting breakouts. It was amazing. God, I should go back on it. And aloe vera is very good for scars. Apple Cider Vinegar mixed with water is a good toner and slowly exfoliates over time. It's also the correct pH for your skin. Only you'll smell like feet.

So far I've taken adderall 2 days out of 8, and only at a 3rd of my normal dose. I think that's pretty good. Instead of 240mg going into my system over 8 days, only 40mg total. It's not ideal. A slow controlled taper would be better, or just cold turkey but I'm not there yet. It was very inspiring to notice my body healing itself. I actually CAN rest and laugh again. I didn't permanetly "break my brain" as I'd feared. I'm working up the courage to dump the rest of my pills out. Taking 10mg every couple of days isn't the goal, but for now it's a billion times better than where I was. Not much else to say. I'm focusing on making healthier meals and taking naps. Time goes by slower...and sometimes it's boring, but most times it's just brilliant to have a semi quiet mind and just look around at how beautiful my little life is. And god I love naps. Oh, and also I was worried I'd lose some of my creativity or bursts of energy... Once I got through the first 5 days I felt the real me coming back. And I'm WAY more fun then adderall me. I'm still creative and my energy feels real. It's not constant, but when I feel energized by something it comes from an honest place and then fades away naturally into relaxation, not "come downs".

Four Days without Adderall...today was the 5th day and I popped a 5 mg So the past 4 days I've been more exhausted than ever. I've been ANGRY. Very angry. Like, I wanna take a sledgehammer to everything angry. I did notice I looked a tiny bit better rested. The days took forever to go by... it's cold & snowy out. And I didn't trust myself to drive so it was just me trying to entertain Tot all day. Looooooong days. I did watch Dr. Who and read a bit. 2 things that are hard for me to do on adderall. (Watch anything with a storyline & sit still to read) I felt horrible. Just like this rage inside of me that I had to give up adderall. I hated myself and wanted to SI but I didn't. Anyone/thing I thought about I would find a reason to get mad. Except for Tot. Oddly enough he didn't annoy me at all and that's kinda amazing cuz you'd think a hyper toddler would be the last thing someone withdrawaling from adderall would want but it felt nice to snuggle and play. But my cat annoyed the sh*t outta me. This morning I was so tired. I still take klonopin at night to sleep and I couldn't sleep last night. I was SO SO tired but couldn't sleep. Anyway, I dropped the baby monitor twice cuz I fell asleep with it in my hand. I justified taking 5 mgs because I was tired... I don't know if i'll even feel anything but I already regret it. I have like 2 weeks worth of 5mg pills. I can't throw them out. In the past I've flushed pills, thrown them out, kept them around for weeks without touching them and given them away... but i can't bring myself to give these away/throw em out. Don't tell me that this means I'll keep using them till they're gone because I already know there's a good chance that'll happen. My dad said not to feel bad and if I need to take a small amount during the begining of quitting than that might be better. That is totally true, as long as I don't up myself back to 30mg a day. So for today, day 5, I'm on 5mg of adderall. And I feel like I just erased all the good I did and all the confidence I was building.

Thank you Motivation_Follows_Action. I was a bit embarassed after I wrote all that, but I hope it helps remind me & others how yucky adderall can make you feel. So tomorrow is Day One off Adderall Hub knows what he's getting into, and has offered to let me sleep in this weekend. He will try to help out during the week but he said there's a lot going on at work and he might have to work really late some days. On the inside I felt hurt- like he was choosing work over me- but I know that's just me being super needy and spoiled, lol. It's not like he can stop working all week. Hopefully after the weekend I'll be okay. I still have pills left... I can't throw them out... I can't get a new refill without a LOT of effort so once these are gone that's it. If I don't flush them, I wonder if that means I'll relapse? When Hub told me how busy his work week (and even tomorrow) will be for him I was "well should I quit next week? will it be too much for you?" And he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Then he said "I just don't want you to push it back and make reasons not to do it" Which I was. I'm already forgetting the negative effects, and rationalizing taking it. Thinking if I just got more sleep tomorrow, etc. etc. It's taking a LOT of focus for me to remember the FEELING of being unable to relax and enjoy myself while playing with Tot. That's the worst feeling...when I have to force smiles with him...it's not all day but once the addy wears off I feel edgy and he's little but he can sense it. I need to keep reminding myself of that. That's powerful enough to keep me sober. Okay, wish me luck this weekend. I probably wont post till Sunday if I'm lucky enough to be lazy and sleep.

4 hrs of sleep last night. Tried to sleep on only 0.5mg of klonopin instead of 1mg. I rationalized taking my afternoon addy dose instead of napping... needless to say I feel horrible, can't think straight. I realize I don't have to live in a self made nightmare. You guys are right, addy magnifies all the issues you have. I want to live a normal day and not dread 5pm because that's the hour when the come down begins and it's too late to take another pill. I live everyday with a knot in my stomach wondering if I will take the "Magic" amount of addy to feel alive but avoid the crash. A person should not dread the evening EVERY DAY. It's so depressing to write all this down. It's depressing to realize. But I'm hopeful because this Saturday will be Day 1 off addy. Update: 2:45pm I'm crying and have no idea why. I don't wanna be alive right now. I just want to sleep and when I wake up I get to start all over. I wouldn't EVER actually try to kill myself so no one get worried. I'm just venting. I'm not even coming down, I'm just so exhausted. I'm so far from the person I wanted to be. I have no friends or family near by, and I've tried to make new friends here but it's hard when I'm always exhausted and propped up on adderall/coffee. I told my family I'm quitting addy cold turkey. My mom didn't reply (email), but later we Skyped and no one mentioned it. One of my family members was gonna come up for a bit and help out but they changed their minds. I know I'll eventually make friends here, but for now I feel really alone. And right this second I feel so exhausted, my heart is racing, I'm lightheaded and I have to keep up with Tot until he goes to bed around 9pm. I hate catching my reflection. My whole life I've felt like I was dirty or ugly inside and now my outsides finally reflect it. My friends/family say I'm beautiful cuz they love me, but I know I'm not. The last guy I dated- this jerk before I met my husband- I found out he'd been making fun of me behind my back and saying how ugly I was up close because of my skin. That was years ago and it's only gotten worse. I look like a monster I just want to start over. I've wasted so many years and so many opportunities. I don't know why I feel so horrible right now? I guess I'm just tired. I haven't taken too many addy. I only took 30mg today, my normal amount. I just feel so weak right now. Update, again, like 5 mins later: I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I feel scared to stand up, and really short of breath. I'm telling myself it's mostly in my head and it's just the lack of sleep + adderall. Hub is away till thursday; I have to be strong for Tot. He'll be awake soon and I'm so nervous I'll faint or have a heart attack and he'll be all by himself! Is that irrational? That's irrational, I'm just very anxious right now. I need to calm down so I don't look upset when he wakes up. this sucks. my kitty can tell I'm upset and he's cuddled up beside me. I wish I was back home I could call my bestfriend and she'd come over.

You're doing so great! You're almost a whole month off of this cr*p. As for the teaching stuff; you said you're a bit worried because you don't have stuff as planned as on adderall, but I think the students will learn MORE from the non-tweaked you. They'll be able to relate to you and your normal energy.

Thank you Ashley! That's encouraging to hear. Congratulations on taking that class and graduating soon! I hope my social anxiety lessens too. I want to be able to connect with people again.

thank you guys. idk why but everytime anyone responds with ANYTHING I get teary eyed and feel some relief... Today was a blur...the morning was fun, paid a lot of attention to Tot, we played outside a long time, he napped & I painted. But after mid morning I felt very tense. Tot took a while to go down for his nap and I was getting so frustrated- like he wasn't napping at the proper time and it was cutting into my addy time slot...how horrible for a mommy to think those things... I feel like depression is setting in. Real depression, not just come down stuff. I'm worried about everything from the global economy to my family's health to my marriage to my frickin' closet being organized. It was BEAUTIFUL out today. After we came in from playing, and I was getting tense while Tot napped I felt uneasy with all the sunshine and fresh air (I opened the windows). For some reason all that good healthy stuff highlighted the sickness & unnaturalness of me on addy. Like I was Gollum from LOTR and I just wanted to hide in a dark cave with my precious. Hub called and I just felt vaquely mad at him (for no reason) and paranoid he was cheating (he's on a business trip), but mostly I just felt numb. He asked why my voice was so monotone and it's just cuz I was too tired to force an emotion. I know he thinks I'm sad too often. I wish I could at least pretend to be happy so I wouldn't seem like a sad sack around him, cuz THAT'S attractive. I am happy a lot. But I usually see him at the end of the day and by then I'm exhausted. And I guess since I'm close to him I let my guard down. I'm going to be sure to get out and see some people this week. I know next week will be withdrawal/exhaustion week. IDK what else to say. I'm glad this journal is helping others too. I hope I heal once I quit. My skin is so gross. My diet is horrible. I don't even know where to start without obsessing over it and bringing back my ED. I know quitting addy is only a piece of the puzzle. I have to eat right and exercise and be outside and be social. okay that's all i can ramble for now. time to sleep. I like the part in LOTR where Gollum says "Stupid FAT Hobbit!" lol, okay there I ended on a positive note.

Have to update now cuz I feel very UP and manic and now is a good time to document the crazy. I'm anxious that Tot will wake up soon. I keep starting different tasks only to get distracted by other ones. I feel almost OCD, like I can't sit down at the laptop until everything is situated *just so* I woke up feeling well rested! Wow...hasn't happened in forever. Today I took 35mgs... it's 3PM so I know I shouldn't take more but I feel like I'm coming down. That makes me want to take more, but I know logically taking more won't prevent a comedown. it'll just make me feel like crap. i'm paranoid that Hub is mad at me, but he isn't at all. I worked so hard on the house but I don't feel accomplished and proud afterwards. Just edgy and wanted more *stuff* to do. I'm scared to quit this weekend and in the months that follow. I don't wanna become socially anxious (or more so) and exhausted and boring. I have so many cool ideas and I do really cool things. What if I broke my brain and I can only have fun happy thoughts while on addy.... lol, broke my brain sounds funny to say. oh.... i'm a crackhead. okay, that's all for now. ~Captain's Log, Stardate 20133230000198

Thanks! It's from this artist on Deviant Art, agnes-cecile I thought it represented how I feel about addy pretty perfectly... Here's her profile: http://agnes-cecile.deviantart.com/prints/?itemids=-1&offset=48

Thank you for all the replies everyone. It helps so much to hear from others who've quit... I'm definitely only quitting addy now. Then work on lowering the frequency of klonopin. Then onto Lexapro. I just counted and realized I have 3 weeks of addy left, but I'm still quitting this weekend. That way I can crash and sleep with a bit less responsibilities. I'm spending this week wrapping up some things so hopefully I'll be less of a burden the first week quitting.

Liltex, I'm glad it helped! I think when I go back and read this rambling confused addy fueled words while sober, I'll be like "Ew...what the h*ll was my brain doing?" Yesterday, no real come down as I only took 30mg. I did feel extra annoyed. Hub noticed my exhaustion and said "go lay down" I said "No I wanna be with you guys. I love spending time with my family... I want to be near you guys (aw), I just want you to shut the f*ck up." LOL 3/23 Got to sleep in today. Took addy as normal. Feel on edge, extra exhausted. I keep getting very dizzy and my vision goes away if I stand up too quickly. I foolishly thought I might look refreshed since I slept in but I still look more zombie than girl. Emotions I'm nervous about talking to Hub about quitting. He's nervous I'll be useless and crazy for a month. We have no family or friends here and I am in charge of keeping the household running and taking care of Tot. Hub works hard and I feel so guilty that my adderall withdrawal will put more stress on him. Since I woke up late, I have less time to be on addy...i feel like there isn't enough time. I want to push pause. Hub is gonna cook a big dinner tonight (he LOVES cooking). I will pretend to be excited even though I'm never truly hungry. I can't remember the last time I felt real hunger and enjoyed a meal instead of just quik caffeine/sugar rushes. My thoughts are going quickly. I'm hurrying through all my tasks b4 Tot wakes up. I'm thinking of chores, my business, vacations, playdates, etc. I feel so overwhelmed by it all and so tired...

**Possible Trigger** I thought I'd keep a short journal my last week on addy and jot down how I'm feeling. The highs and lows. That way when I quit I will have something to look back at and see how shitty it was being on it. BUT I'm not sure if writing about being on addy is allowed in this forum. If it isn't, my apologies and I understand if this gets deleted. 3/22 Friday On addy. 30mgs so far. Or 20...shit. I honestly can't remember. It's 2pm. Woke up exhausted as normal (take klonopin to sleep). Popped 2, 5mg pills. Played with my toddler (Tot), made breakfast, got him ready for the day, went grocery shopping. Now he's napping, I'm writing this then have lots of housework to do. Emotions/Thoughts: Felt flustered at store. Got a cart too small cuz Tot was trying to run off. Then I couldn't fit everything I needed in my cart, lol. Duh... So I only got half my stuff. I am kinda awkward socially on addy, but I feel more comfortable while on it because I don't focus on people. I usually get overwhelmed in public, I feel like my acne and haggard skin disgusts people- but even when I was "pretty" I'd feel overwhelmed and insecure when guys checked me out. Or when anyone even looked at me. That's how I am sober, and I've been that way for a long time. I used to take off my glasses at the mall so everyone would just look fuzzy and I'd feel safe. lol, like they couldn't see me if I couldn't see them. Home now, the to-do list in my brain won't stop. I kinda enjoy it though. It distracts me from worrying about how ugly I look, how unhealthy I feel. It distracts me from worries big & small. It distracts me from worrying about the economy, from feeling guilty for not helping others less fortunate (this sounds weird but my whole life I've felt like I was meant to help other people and everyday I don't I feel this heavy guilt. Addy distracts me from this because it makes little things, like organizing the closets seem important. And if they're important I can get totally immersed in it without guilt.) Kinda worrying how my mood will be when husband (Hub) gets home. Hopefully I won't be coming down and uncomfortable. I want to be normal and relaxed when he comes home. I want to be somewhat well rested and happy, not exhausted like usual. I want to laugh easily and relax with him. So right now, obviously amped up on addy like normal. I feel normal. This is me normally... Okay I'm getting bored now and I have housework and stuff to do while Tot naps. I'll update when I come down. Maybe in my personal journal and add it to here.

This thread is making me not want to quit. Or more accurately making me think I'll relapse. I'm sorry you feel so "meh". That kinda bland non-feeling is almost worse than full on depression. At least sadness is a feeling. Why don't you FORCE yourself to try one new thing every weekend? Get a friend to go too if you can. Go indoor rock climbing, hiking, see a play, etc. Pick random stuff that is completely out of your comfort zone. When I quit adderall years ago that's what I did and it really helped. I discovered a few new passions that I still enjoy. :-)

Hello everyone. I'm kinda new here. I've posted a little bit. Tried to taper down....gave loved ones control of my meds but ended up biting their heads off till they gave it back, lol. My Psychiatrist told me not to stop cold turkey because there's a danger of rebound depression/anxiety down the road. Problem is I've moved so he can't really help me taper down. I've talked to 5 health care professionals in the past month to see if someone could help me taper off my adderall... I'm either told to just stop on my own it's no big deal or that I need a specialist's help. *sigh* So I'm stopping cold turkey. I have about a week & a half supply left. For those who quit cold turkey, did you notice depression and anxiety? Did it start as soon as you quit and persist for months or did it start a few months down the road? I'm very worried about this because in the past I stopped taking Adderall, Klonopin and Lexapro all at once and had horrible depression and anxiety. I have problems with it anyway but this was bad. And I'm kinda scared.

I think telling your parents will be a HUGE help for you! I have been stuck on addy for 8 yrs (but would randomly pop some for fun since highschool-15 yrs ago!) and I never told my parents until a month ago. That's what has given me the most courage to want to stop. Your living situation is gonna be hard... even just having friends on addy that don't live with me makes it hard to stop. just their existence is a temptation, lol. But hopefully you'll see how haggard and tweaked out they look to your newly sober eyes. And good god, let me tell you again how much adderall DESTROYS your beauty. I used to model. I took adderall, I was thin. BUT I had/have bad skin, dark circles, brittle hair/nails, dull eyes. Now that I've been on it 8 yrs I look horrible...my pores are huge, my skin is dry & I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles have deteriorated, my teeth have yellowed. And my friends who use it look pretty bad too. Some started loosing their looks after only a few months, some years... You know that song A-team? It's about a girl addicted to coke or crack, but these lyrics make me cry because it's what happened to me: "Been this way since eighteen But lately her face seems Slowly sinking, wasting Crumbling like pastries..." I'm 30. You seem young. Don't let this happen to you. Losing your looks is the least painful thing...but it's the one that's hard to deny. Do everything you can to stop. Get your parent's help.

That is malpractice. I think you should report him to your State Medical Board and the Professional Licensing Board of whichever state he's in. It might shake him up enough that he'll pay more attention the next time one of his patients is in danger. what a jerk.

Hi, I'm still on adderall and I don't have experience using this, but I've read people recommend Magnesium Glycinate for muscle aches and as a calming agent. Then other adhd people say Magnesium Citrate is good for the same thing... I don't know the difference. Some of the online adhd people use it to "reduce adderall tolerance" and others have used it as a supplement to help withdrawal effects. But the people in this forum can probably give you better advice. I've stopped adderall for 10 months here, 4 months there and I remember feeling VERY worn out in the begining but it passed. Maybe get a massage and take lots of hot baths?

Yeah it's good she referred me to someone else. One was an MD who does "Addiction Medicine"? IDK what that is... I'll do some more calling tomorrow for addiction specialists. There is an outpatient program, the waitlist is till April but I might as well put my name in. I was thinking of NA, but I still don't think I'm a real addict. I never take so much that I'm out of my head... I don't know...yesterday I felt so great. Not hyper addy great- just normal person great. I went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, played with my family. And today I feel haggard & worn. That's the annoying thing about medications & drugs... you never know if your feelings are your own or a symptom of the drug. I really don't' want to see a Psychiatrist and have them just throw different drugs at me. What if I DO need adderall to be functional? The me before drugs (recreational & prescribed) was still anxious & depressed...what if I stop adderall, klonopin & lexapro and I find out I'm just made this way. To be depressed 80% of the time...? Did you guys have problems with depression/anxiety before adderall? Were you able to overcome after you stopped addy? I've had depression problems since I was 5 yrs old. I was just made to be kinda lame, lol. What if my natural predisposition to be depressed combined with years of drug abuse and poor diet have made my brain permanently broken somehow? What if I stop addy and I never feel pasionate or excited about anything? What if I have no motivation to even leave the house? I've been there before I don't wanna go back.

Yeah I did apologize to him. A LOT. To the point where he was like OK baby it's fine. I do feel like I'm at a tipping point and could go either way... I saw a counselor today. I spent an hour telling her everything I've been through, even though I feel like it's the past & it doesn't bother me (depression/anxiety since child, running away, partying/drug use in highschool & college, sexual assault, PTSD, SI) I still answered honestly and told her everything and that I originally got an Adderall prescription to help me stop coke. She referred me to a couple of Psychiatrists. She said I needed someone who understood addiction but she didn't know if they did. Then she said "So....do you want to maybe wait on counseling until you get your meds straightened out?...You can make an appt if you want though...." And I just started crying and said "I just want someone to help me" And she said "yeah it's tough at the begining" So, she basically didn't want me to come back for whatever reason. I know it was probably cuz she won't know if she's counseling me through "medicine induced issues" or real ones...but it still sucked. I just want someone to talk to. I'm worried about rehab or substance abuse counselors (I called a few places and they have long wait lists). I'm scared since I'm a mother they'll have me on record as unfit or something. I can't be a junkie... what if i'd be fine if I ate healthier and got better sleep? What if I actually need adderall? Whenever I stop I go into deep depression.

Has anyone's Dr ever even mentioned this to them? I just thought I'd share so anyone who is on both of these is aware of the symptoms since it's rare but deadly. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004531/ Once I took 40mg of Lex instead of 20mg after being off it for a while. I had all these symptoms, but I was fine in the morning.

Thank you Ashley. It's actually really helpful to hear your story, because you're where I want to be right now. I had a great day yesterday... I forgot to take my Lexapro, and I took 40mg of addy and felt fine all day. Now my brain is like "See! The Addy is fine, you just need a higher dose and to stop Lexapro cuz they must interact badly." Part of me believes this. Part of me doesnt. I'm seeing a counselor today and I have NO idea what to say. I just want to be a healthy person with health habits. I feel like if my bad habits weren't affecting my looks then I would still be living in denial. But I look so scary, lol. It makes it hard to meet people and interact normally when I haven't had any real (klonopin free) sleep in months and I'm only awake due to caffeine & adderall. I'm rambling. My resolve to get off adderall is weakening... I know the end result of what I want, just not how to get there. Maybe I'm in the "bargaining/denial" phase of grief. Cuz I am grieving the loss of the magic pill that would instantly make me feel better... the loss of my old life that doesn't quit fit in with my new dreams...