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trey

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  1. Hi all - i haven't posted in a couple of years.. I didn't go back on the drug full-time. Maybe a couple of 6-month scripts but many months without it, as well as binges, flushing a few scripts down the toilet, illicit speed, whatever. Kind of boring story. I wanted to post a link about amphetamines that i really enjoyed. But also it touches on why users may find it real difficult to learn their lesson about speed. (My intro is a case in point) I found it a good reference about unique aspects of amphetamine addiction, and possible stages of use over time. Most interesting bit to me was about memory formation for amphetamine addicts. Apologies if this same thing has been posted on already. I'm sure some of the excellent info on this site has discussed similar/same implications: "...the user forgets how unbearable the negative sensations are (due to amphetamine compromising the brain's ability to efficiently make memories, especially goal-orientated memories); by the next day, even though the user may have told himself to not take amphetamine, he takes amphetamine again anyways (due to the brain not being able to make a goal-orientated memory, the brain was unable to produce counter-motivation to stop the user from taking more amphetamine the next day). This might possibly be the most psychologically painful and strenuous phase for the amphetamine user, since he is unable to figure out why he keeps taking amphetamine even though he clearly knows it only causes him pain." http://www.bluelight...u-Learn-to-Hate To re-cap my reason for quitting, as much to myself as to those reading: no real Work or personal evolution is possible for me on dexedrine. The process of goals/efforts/victories can be personally unique, but also follow certain natural laws. Some of these laws can feel harsh. I feel the greater the tasks are that you want to achieve, the more you owe it to yourself to remove crutches And get back in touch with those natural laws of process, harsh as they may seem. Best wishes to all.
  2. "My theory is that it gets worse as your dopamine depletion gets worse with continued use.." Yeah cheers Lilah. That does sound pretty viable - i seem to recall that my come-downs weren't as intense in the early days either. And now its like they're just waiting in shadows, gearing up to rush me like freight trains. Maybe thats one more sign, just screaming me in the face like emergency lights QUIT. NOW FOR. GOOD. NOW. CUT!! New scene..new scene!! No drug is gonna steal my director's chair.
  3. Hey dpaul, I don't know how long you have been on amphetamines, but a psychologist i saw just the other day warned me that it may take 3 months (or more) for dopamine & serotonin levels in the brain to return to their normal functioning. He said they will stabilize - it just depended on the duration & dosages. He referred to some quite recent research on this topic but sorry i can't be more specific.. This guy was well-versed in the subject of drug use/abuse too. I don't about fatigue specifically but what i took from this was that my ability to be happy might be a bit impaired for a few months. Scary thought i know - but it might be helpful to have a chemical explanation for your depression. Seems it might just be part of the process.. Just my 2 cents. trey
  4. yo Tiger, Sounds like we're in a similar boat. Almost ready to quit..knowing we MUST quit..having a good awareness of the necessary tough changes to make..other drugs in the mix...nearly ready to take a jump into the splendid UNKNOWN. I found this site a few months ago (and even though i've gone back to the pills a few times, when i really should have known better) - i think just staying in contact and reading the wisdom on here regularly is an excellent 'gentle first step'. I think Mike is spot on - PERSISTING with those simple healthy lifestyle changes for several months is the really Big One. A friend once told me "the more you DO, the more energy you will have". By all means be gentle with your non-adderall self at first but what i mean is, that despite the apparent paradox, giving your body plenty to do (jogging, swimming, stretching) will eventually pay you back with more energy & clarity. It may be weeks or months, i don't know. But I try to keep this faith. Also, make time to consider your real passions and dreams. Especially if you are unsure about what they are, or if they've been neglected in your life so far. trey
  5. Lil, I can relate to that in a big way. Definitely. Pleasing geometry and shapes or arrangements have a big effect on my mood. Adderall tends to fill my space with clutter - so many many notes and ideas to try "some day"...clutter is awful either in physical space or the mind i find..
  6. These are brilliant. Especially the document on will power Can I ask Lil, is will/self-discipline something you have struggled with always - or is it a new struggle in your post-adderall life? trey
  7. No, not yet. I started taking it again this week, with the intention of taking very small (5-10mg) doses just to help me get in an exercise routine so i can be happy naturally. But it never ever works. I've tried this strategy before and it always blows up in my face. In the last year, when on dex, my ability to complete tasks is just a joke. I'm hooked on the euphoria basically. I have one repeat on my script, but i'm ready to kick it whenever. (If I had just one 5mg pill in my pocket per day it might work nicely. But left to my own devices.. i'm just a drug addict. Thats that)
  8. Well if we are talking about withdrawal, then my symptoms aren't particularly acute. Just a return to my usual low mood with some extra fatigue from stopping the pills suddenly. The daily come-down is what really rips me to shreds.. I know that any stimulant will do this to an extent, but i get a catatonic depression where every thought/emotion/sensation just plain HURTS. It doesn't matter the dosage, small or large. Just a severe spiritual emptiness. Regret, guilt. I am a skull. Everything is a fraud. Some friends have said they quite enjoy the hollow feeling of a comedown but for me each second is unbearable and i MUST have alcohol Maybe I am just extra-sensitive? p.s Lil I don't know how this works but I've sent you a PM. Still getting the hang of this forum/pm biz!
  9. Hey Lil, Thankyou! Writing on forums is usually a real headache for me (detail/edits/stress) but my little intro here came quite spontaneously, for once! I am preparing to study psychology this year but composing music, la musica! is my main passion..well, when i actually allow myself to do it! Chronically blocked and perfectionist. I don't know how i've survived this long suppressing my creative instincts. Truly insane I'm in australia. Here, dexamphetamine/dexedrine is the norm rather than adderall. (The state where i live is notorious for its rate of prescription compared to other states.) And you are in Texas? I've heard Texas is a great place. Trey
  10. Adrenal burn-out perhaps? I don't know much about the cause-effect chain of adderall in relation to the adrenal & thyroid glands but when imbalanced the symptoms sound very similar to what makes me take adderall (sluggishness, poor concentration to name a couple) I wouldn't be surprised if ongoing amphetamine use leads to a weakening of the adrenal glands. I'm going to have both these tested asap With your TMJ symptoms have you experienced your ears ringing, tinnitus, any ear pressure etc ? Trey
  11. Hi. I don't know if this has been talked of much but I'm interested in the scope of come-down severity amongst folks here. For example i've got 2 friends who just don't experience the emotional trauma that i get as soon as the dex starts leaving my system. I'm interested in any ideas/links that people might have on this one. One idea that kinda makes sense is that the depth of the individual's 'reservoir' of stored sadness/depression will be reflected in how bad the come-down is. Curious about any of your observations. Thanks to MIKE for your work on this excellent website. Adderall is a complex drug, and addressing the recovery requires a subtlety of insight. Thank you also to all the forum members.. trey
  12. Thanks for that, Jess. That is truly the light.
  13. hi all - My adderall journey has been, on-and-off, the last 6 years of my life. Honestly the most confusing headf**k of a drug i can imagine. Lovely and clear.. and insidious. A saviour and a saboteur. Quite honestly i never believed i was truly ADHD. But i took the test, answered everything honestly and ended up with a script. See I thought they could be the magic bullet i needed to blow away my chronically blocked creativity. (Now i know, adderall steals/silences your heart in matters of creativity. If my heart is not there, the inner child is not there.. and in my case that means that creativity is _impossible_) Dysthymia and fatigue are what plague me. For me, fatigue almost has an emotionally-threatening quality to it..feeling tired or facing a barrier that needs to be broken through becomes a sensation of 'i'm going to break', 'i'm going to die' etc. No wonder adderall has seduced me through a fantasy-land for several years. Still now, I have one ration left on my script and i was SO desperate to get them last week because adderall always (blindingly) illuminates my potential and what a wonderful bright person i am and the awesome goals that i want to achieve and all the great possibilities that are waiting. A week before that, (without meds) i was writing my will and weighing up which way to bump myself. This drug has given me a glittering carousel of an experience (ultimately fake), mental and emotional diamonds here and there, plus alcoholism - but the main issue is, has it brought you closer to your fears & sadness or been a grand detour from it? The latter for me, without question. Fears & sadness just being a necessary pit-stop on the way to your dreams. (Well, in my case anyway. Everyone's life pattern is unique) Adderall is like putting on a million-dollar suit version of yourself and hey thats fantastic, but it is hollow and lonely on the inside. So lonely. Now i want the shabby hobo outfit instead. Looks crappy, and it itches and its dirty but while wearing it i'm forced to trudge along one step at a time. Absorbing a little discomfort in every step. Building my heart slowly. Without false accelerations and crazy angles. Just come back to my heart, this seems difficult but its all i want - Thanks 4 reading, Trey
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