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About ddw5053

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  1. After much research I've concluded I have depersonalization disorder. If you've been struggling to quit adderall and MOVE ON look it up.
  2. I will never get away

    Between my mom, my dad, my sister, my friends etc., I will never get away from adderall. And no matter how hard I try sober I still feel different. I'm always sped up, I'm always looking for the next buzz to find myself. But nothing works. I sweat profusely when I'm sober, I question myself, I let circumstances dictate my actions. I can't find myself. When I'm sober, I tell myself I need to take adderall and take it appropriately. That is my only escape. But each time I take it I feel more lost and want to take more. I feel so fucked. There is not hope. When I'm on adderall I need to get off it and when I'm sober I need more adderall. Wtf. I can literally spend all day working out and eating healthy and feel unchanged. Feel unable to talk to anybody or connect with my true self. I always feel different. I don't even know I feel so fucked up I can't even explain it.
  3. I'm on my second week or so clean from adderall. I've been taking it easy and remembering that I will not take it ever again. I'm ok with that and at peace, really. It's hittin me though what I've been exchanging this whole time by using adderall. I've been exchanging the beauty of conversation, socialization, love, listening, compassion, empathy etc. I'm trying to find my way again and as I stay at my friends house it's really hard to feel normal. I constantly check in with people around me in odd ways as if I'm projecting my abnormal habits on them. Like they can see and feel my presence that is still ridden with a adderall first mentality. Like when I talk or engage in any conversation they are reading into my soul. They know what I've done and I will continue to pay for sins using adderall. I've read though that this is simply the devil. I know it seems farfetched by I cannot give any other explanation. It's like I'm still being tempted to find ANY way to fight love and normalcy. I feel I have every capability right now to be loved and start living a fresh normal life, but I refuse. I have this demon in my head that won't let me feel good about anything. I don't know when this will break, but I continue to pray and read the bible. I remind myself that this is my addiction/devil trying to keep me in this dark place. I don't know when I'l feel normal again but it will happen. I know my relationship with God and self must be rebuilt.
  4. Random interesting thought

    Haha I bet, it stops us all. I'm at the worst stage right now and I can't wait to be 11 months clean. I keep thinking about how much time I've already wasted on this adderall its rediculous. It really is a deceptive, evil drug. It makes you think over and over again it's ok to take and will benefit you to succeed. All lies! I realize each adderall we took is setting us back, not moving us foward. I'd be better off a lazy bum, who never took adderall but just needed some motivation. But instead I'm two steps behind that guy and it's hard to take. It's hard to suck up your pride and realize your not above everyone else. Your acutal self worth without adderall is next to nothing and now it's a matter of reinventing yourself. It sucks now, but hey at least I'm not backtracking anymore
  5. Random interesting thought

    I agree with what your saying 100%. I wish I had more time to recover before going back to school where I'm most tempted to take this drug again. Unfortuantely, I have already committed to returning and made plans that cannot be reversed. But I do truly believe that anything is possible and will not give up no matter how hard this path is. I do already plan on taking an easy schedule so I don't get ahead of myself. That's another thing about adderall, is it gives you a false reality that you can do anything without being realistic and honest with yourself.
  6. Random interesting thought

    I experience those exact scenarios. It's like adderall has killed my ability to be vunerable anymore. I'm more focused on what other people think rather than what I think. I think now it's a battle of remembering that this forever. Theres times when I'm feeling great off adderall and then worry about the future and question whether I can always do this. But that's the change I have to make. Is remembering that this is the reason why I'm quitting adderall. Its the hope that you will be able to conquer all your dreams and expectations without adderall. I have to go back to school on campus in January. I hope this time I make it. I need to overcome my fear of studying without adderall. I think I need to figure out what is going to make me happy from studying and doing school. Because that's where adderall kicked in. It was motivator to study hard and become this great mathematician. And now I don't know what is going to keep me happy. I hope I find a new reason and meaning for life in general.
  7. Random interesting thought

    Thanks man during my 4 month sobriety you have no idea how much I lifted. Like you just said 7 days a week I was there. Sometime I went three times a day. The only area I couldn't recover from was socializing. I went to the gym and couldn't make any long lastin relationship with anyone. But I guess I need to realize that it's going to take longer than 4 months. I gained so much muscle also. So many girls at school reached out to me, but I was the one that couldn't make the next step. I knew I was there physically and healthy wise but socially I was still weak. I hope things change this time, but here we go. I'm on day two now but thanks for the advice. I'm 23 hopefully by 25 or so I'm completely recoverd. I may look back at this and laugh. Thanks for the advice man
  8. Random interesting thought

    Alright I'm going to take all of your guys advice and just no matter what stick to quitting. It helps to realize I'm not alone and this isn't all my fault. I think after my 4 months of sobriety I forgot that I can't control the addiction. I need to always remember that adderall won't cure anything. And I absolutely agree that the older I get and keep this going it only get harder each time to quit. I'm gonna keep up with site and my recovery. I need to get better. Thanks for the help and advice
  9. Random interesting thought

    I've been taking adderall for ten years now. Since 8th grade and I'm 23 now. I first declared adderall evil about a year ago when I continually kept binging on it and never sleeping. The sad part is digging into the addiction like you said has made things worse. It seems since the first time I firmly committed to quitting back in January, I lasted four months. I broke because I had finals for school and feared I would fail them all. After that in May, I went off and on the adderall getting some from friends. It would normally but just enough for a few nights to binge and then I'd be sober for another month. Now it's November and I've been doing this since then, but recently I got an entire prescription. It's not mine it a family members. But with this prescription and told myself I was going to make this work. I told myself there was really something wrong with me if I couldn't at least have one freakin day without going over my dosage. Obviously, that didn't happen and now I'm here once again facing the reality that I need to quit. When I posted my question the other night I couldn't remember why I should quit? I kept coming up with all these reasons why it was bad, but the main one I forgot, was that your quitting becuase you can't control the addiction. I needed someone to tell me that again because after my last relapse I got alll twisted up again. I'm technically on my first day today, but I still have some 30mgs left. Everytime I'm committed to how fucked up this adderall has made me, I say I NEED to stop right now. But then when I try and do anything I feel just as depressed. I know this is typical of quitting especially at first, but I worry about failing after 4 months like last time. I made progress during that time, but still felt unhappy on the inside. It's almost like everytime I quit and try and do things without adderall, knowing ok this is my life now, I still act as though everything is a product of adderall. I never wake up with a clean slate or look and the mirror and identify myself as something other than an ex adderall user. I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or what. I spend more time wandering what other people are thinking and always feel like I'm wierd in certain ways. Not enough that I can't go out and socialize somewhat, but there's always something on the inside that doesn't feel right. I'm always anxious to get home because then I will be normal again. I will figure this out when I get home. Anyway I think my problem is I don't know or remember how to please myself. When I get off this again, I will work out, run and be healthier guaranteed. That is easy for me and comes natural, but there are still many other areas I struggle with. Btw I started first 4 years or so around 30mgs per day. But around 19 or 20 it steadily increased until I never slept on them anymore.
  10. Random interesting thought

    Good for you blesbro. My biggest fear from quitting adderall is not being successful, productive or motivated anymore. I agree that being productive is a great feeling. Something about being productive, smart, hard working, in control, motivated, etc. (all feelings you strengthened on adderall) are very important to me. I hope to regain those feelings back without adderall someday too.
  11. Does it matter why?

    Everytime I try to quit adderall I get stuck thinking about my time on it. Mainly, why is it everytime the last two years I take one adderall, it turns into a lot and an all nighter. The amount of all nighters, even three consecutive all nighters, I have gone through is starting to scare me. Scare me because I haven't stoppeed. I wish if at least took it, I would have enough discipline to stop before bedtime. But everytime nowadays, I take the max a person should ever take and stay up for a few nights straight. So with my history with adderall I am constantly wandering why did I do that? Why does adderall affect me after just one pill. My best guess is that I never want to "come down" and I've impulsively learned to just keep popping addies. As long as I'm gonna get mad work done and have a super productive night it won't matter, because tomorrow I'l be normal again. Anyway I have wandered if quitting adderall this way, on such a unsettled, uncontrollable note, will I be able to recover the same? Will I always have less power since the adderall still controls me? Obviously if I took adderall now, or anytime during my soberness, I would behave and react the same way. Nothing changed regarding my behavior on it, just my ability to stay away from it.
  12. So everytime I "quit" adderall the same story happens over and over. I go on average 4 weeks clean and then convince myself it's ok to take again. It's like I have one random day where I'm like YUP getting some tonight, getting mad stuff done and staying up late. However, anymore I don't even do any actual work with it like I used too. Nowadays, when I get adderall I spend almost 95% of that time, thinking about how to quit again. I stay up all night writing/thinking about adderall, why it's bad, why I come back, how to get off, and a million of thoughts. Ironically, I'm popping mad adderall as I passionately self reflect, believing I will find some deep root cause. The cause for my failures over and over again to not just "quit" but "move on". I believe it's very easy to say you quit if your just staying away from it (I've done this). Whereas, move on is what we all want (at least me). We all want to be free of something that has constantly effected your life. Sometimes good but a lot of times bad. I do come up with some deeper realizations about how to quit when on adderall, but applying is totally different. After my binge comes to an end, I've literally loaded my head with everything I need to do when I awake. Unfortantely, I awake my normal self only worse after coming down all the adderall. I now have to start over again "sober" and hope for the best. I'm writing this now because I'm coming off of one of those binges. I want to remember this so I stop pursuing temporary relief and false hopes of a changed life. It's clear now to me how foolish this plan is. I spent two nights looking for a revalation that was going to change my life forever. I felt so great about my ideas they covered every problem/insecurity I had without adderall. But now it's sleep time and the reality kicks in that I've been fueling this confidence with nothing but adderall. It will mean much less to me and my ability to apply will have to be much less "crank" and more "heart". It's like I drank a pint of liquor before going to rehab ughhh. I do have one realization that will stick and no more flipflopping. Earlier, I said I always change my stance about adderall and not sure how to apply to my own life. My realization is that adderall only works for people in the right mind state, with good self control and dicipline, and is used wisely/moderately. I can't say that adderall is all bad because I've experienced at it's best. Not just the honeymoon stage but also when it was just an EXtension of myself. I realize now that adderall, even when I take the correct dosage, has the ability to effect my personality, confidence, mood, identity, creativity, socialization etc. For some people they absolutely can take it when needed and be fine. For me am I coming to completely realize that it's crept it's way into my life at 14 and I'm 23 now. It been an escape route and neccisity for anything serious when the going gets tough. I've said numerous times that adderall is my problem blah blah blah, yet I always return. Why? I believe partly because of misinterpreting the real reason why I want to quit adderall. Saying it's all adderall is not true. I've realized now that I just don't have the dicipline and self identity to safely/effectively use it without more problems. I just do not want to once again convince myself that it's ok when school or something similar comes up. I know tomorrow will suck that is for sure. And it's almost impossible for me to guarantee any promise I make today for tomorrow. Basically, what I do and say now does not resignate with me when I'm sober. I couldn't make one promise to myself now and neccesarrily keep it tomorrow. My moods, actions, feelings are that different nowadays, why I do not know. I do know that whether on or off the adderall I have the loosest sense of identity I could have never imagined. I think it's a result of when I first openly statted "Im quitting adderall" and did for four months. I now either for guilty for taking it, or naked and no identity/confidence without it. I have clearly hit one of the lowest points ever in my life. But I am optimistic, because I'm now an experienced adderall quitter. I believe sinking quick is better than delaying the inevitable, and I've already delayed it alot. Sorry, I started off with just one thought but it transpired into much more. I did say I was on adderall right? But seriously for myself and writing this, I hope I at least realize adderall isn't an option. I hope I found the courage to do what it takes to change the way I feel about school. Because without adderall after using for ten years it's a challenge to adjust my way of thinking. And lastly, I'm going to Really Really try. I think stopping adderall is the easy part. The hard part I haven't really actually tried yet is finding new needs to meet my old ones. I've only found new problems to meet my old ones. I excuse myself from high expectations because I'm a "adderall victim". If that was tradeoff for quitting adderall sign me back up. But no really, I NEED to make myself face uncertainties and find a way to replace crack, I mean adderall. p.s I wrote this all on my wall so I wont forget tomorrow
  13. My story

    I took my last vyvane (adderall substitute) about three days ago. I have not gotten my own prescription since February 2013 and have been relying on friends and family since May 2013 when I relapsed. So I am not one of those people who are on their first rodeo attempting to quit after consistent prescriptions and access to adderall. Since May I have been switching on and off taking amphetamines of any kind. Generally I get some adderall/vyvane, take it all within a few days, and then come down off my high with plans of never taking it again. I last about two/three weeks and then have that random day where I need to get something done (college application, college courses, etc.) and convince myself I NEED to get some medicine. Then it starts all over with me studying/working in my room for days straight and ending with the realization I need to never take it again. It's a vicious loop, but I experienced with lasting a few weeks or even months without it. I have failed long term though and may need to be more active with this site for at least a year or so.
  14. My story

    Hey I appreciate your input and thoughts. I knew that with #6 I could cause a few flags with some people. I did not mean anything by it or to take it personal, it is just my opinion. It could also be because as I am predicting my own recovery, I want to be past everything related to adderall in two years. I have been on since 8th grade (ten years) so maybe that's wishful thinking. But I also understand what you are saying about the "underlying issues" and that may be some of my own reasons for relapsing last time. Maybe I need to realize there is more than just the simple temptation of taking adderall. Maybe there is some kind of underlying effect in my own life I have not realized and still need to cope with and control. I have not been sober for 2 years yet either but I absolutely respect anyone who has done that, because I have only lasted 4 and 6 months myself. I thank you and everyone for the support I hope we all overcome these demons as well.
  15. My story

    Hey thanks alot for your input. I totally agree with you that some things in life are just boring and "you will never be able to make boring topics captivating". Going back to childhood (before adderall) I remember doing homework and it was never fun. It was just putting in the hard work which I still need to realize is the inevitable result without adderall. Also I absolutely agree that writing a list of all the negatives is a good idea. I have definitely romanticized my memories with adderall many times before. In fact that probably happens within two weeks after I try and stay clean for good. Hopefully my brain can recover with time. That is one of the scariest thoughts about stopping forever. Is the courage I will need to take each day to control my scrambled brain. Again thanks alot very helpful