Mary Beth

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About Mary Beth

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  • Birthday 06/22/1979

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  • Location
    Washington, DC
  • Interests
    writing, creating, travel

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  1. I've been on Adderall for 8 years. (not counting the time i quit for a year) With everything it's "given" me, it has also taken away. I wasn't diagnosed til' age 24. Up until that point I was completely ambition-less. I was even labeled as "slow" at one point when I failed first grade. I zoned out all the time; for years and years and just existed in the classroom or church pew or whatever. I didn't get a "reward" sensation after doing menial tasks like others did. I remember getting a cappuccino machine for Christmas one year when I was 12. Up until then I'd only had the occasional iced coffee at the mall. But when the machine came I got down to business. After I set it up, I brewed a cup. Then another, ...then another. Back to back. At one point I felt sick from too much caffeine, but even then I liked feeling different. For once, things had an edge instead of a fuzz. Anyway, after finally getting diagnosed, I went to community college for the first time. For once, learning was fun and not overwhelming. Everything was clear. I had hope. I did great finishing things at work for once too. Co-workers commented in amazement at my improvement and I realized all the things that looked so difficult were really not once I could focus. I won awards, developed a theatre company, accelerated at everything I touched and looked great doing it. But I feel so ashamed. I live a life that is on a different level than everyone else. I am not free. I am not 'there' when I should be. My emotions are blunted. I am not connecting or feeling. I only sleep a few hours a night. I am productive. I am half woman, half machine. And it blows. I quit for a seven months, then realized I'm better on something than off it. Started Vyvanse, which seemed like a compromise at the time. But after a few months, I hated Vyvanse because it was so "soft" and returned to those complicated orange pills. Now I'm almost 32. I feel so alone sometimes. It's really nice to have found this place. Nobody else knows this world.