LILTEX41

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About LILTEX41

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    Senior Member
  • Birthday 05/10/1979

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    Female
  • Location
    Dublin, OH

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  1. Story of hope!

    Wow, when did you quit drinking?! We have so much in common! I turned 40 on May 10th 2019. Did you just now come across this site?? The reason I quit adderall was because I found this site 10 years ago! I was the first person to comment!! It's like my special home. And yes we were far and few between back then! Nobody could really understand, but now it's rampant everywhere. I quit drinking on June 25th this year btw. If you tell me that's when you quit or around that time I'm gonna freak out!
  2. Story of hope!

    @Adderall OG Girl, we quit together at the same time! My quit date is Nov. 12th, 2010. I have been off of it since then with a few slips here in the past two years when drinking. I loved reading your post. You are providing so much hope to others. It feels so incredible to have someone I can relate to like this! Plus, last night I was struggling a lot and reading this helped me so much. I am a little over 7 months sober now, but within the 7 months that I quit drinking and drugs, I started this insane drug called Kratom because it was legal and I thought it wasn't that bad since I could buy it in a store. It ended up being VERY similar to adderall and I quit it - get this on Nov. 10th, 2019. I've been clean for only 86 days. I was only on it for a little over 4 months straight, but long enough that it screwed me up like adderall. Anyhow, coming off of it has been similar and tough. Your post helped me with this battle. I was having major cravings for it yesterday. I know I just need to stay off it and I'll forget about it eventually. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Much love! LT
  3. You have all helped me

    Your post is remarkable and we are so lucky to have you here! I just turned 40 in May so we're right about the same place in life. Please keep providing updates and sharing. Your post made my day. We have a great group of people here and so glad to have you join us!
  4. Useful Resource

    Agreed!
  5. So anxious...

    @DelaneyJuliette - Where you at girl?! You okay??
  6. So anxious...

    I love those videos! I like them for couch naps especially. The image is kind of scary looking though, lol. Thanks for sharing!
  7. So anxious...

    Good morning!! Happy Saturday! I hope you are off work today and successfully made it through the day yesterday. Did you get it all done? You inspired me to listen to more of this book yesterday, "The Power of Now" because I started thinking about it and realized I had only listened to a small chunk. It's pretty good so far. I'm not sure I understand how it helps as far as tackling our to do lists and everyday life, but it's been really helpful with racing thoughts. Is there any way you could cut your workload down or go part time during your quit? I feel like you need a break to readjust to life without the orange monsters!
  8. So anxious...

    @DelaneyJuliette Wow, I'm so glad you are feeling the joy of being raw and vulnerable here! Thank you for sharing all your experiences too! That day of the accident is an absolute testimony of what adderall does to me! I don't usually ever go more than 5 maybe 10 miles over the speed limit. The fact that I was driving insane like that in horrible conditions just goes to show how invincible I felt being on adderall. It had literally just kicked in and I hadn't had any in a long time. I felt like superman. So insane!!! I am just so blessed that nobody got hurt besides me (I did break a tiny bone in my back), but I should seriously be dead. Anyhow, like you were saying there is so much relief in coming CLEAN! You know the craziest thing happened during the accident. After I was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car I actually laughed to myself because I thought, "Thank GOD this is over. I will never have to go through this again." I knew I was done with ALL OF IT. No more. NEVER AGAIN. And since then I have felt this tremendous freedom because I don't have to hide anything from anyone. I don't really care what anyone thinks of me today. I F-D up BIG TIME, but the past is the past and all I can do is move forward now and be grateful I didn't keep spiraling out of control for the next however many years. I'm coming up on the 6 month mark as of Christmas and that feels so amazing. Everyday this all moves farther and farther away from me and all I can do now is look to a brighter future and learn from the past. Like you said, posting all this out on this site creates some serious accountability because you know once it's out there you don't want to have to come back and say you went backwards again. Every time I post anything anywhere I just look at it as another deposit into my recovery. As many days as I have urges and cravings to go back to using the logic part of my brain knows that is a horrible idea and to keep at this recovery thing until it no longer is a struggle again someday. When I look back to what made me start all this up again it had to do with some relationships that weren't exactly closed off. I followed little crumbs thrown at me until I jumped off the ledge of insanity again. Makes me pretty sick to think that I gave up 18 months clean for nothing as of course those relationships fell apart eventually and I'm the one who ended up with a OMVI, destroyed car, and about $20k spent on cleaning up the entire mess. Not quite the fairytale ending. BUT at least I'm not dead, I'm not paralyzed, I did't hurt anyone, and I made it back to the path of recovery. I could've chosen differently. It's amazing the blessings that come with recovery. Do you know that since I got sober on 6/25/19, I went on and did a half ironman a month later, won 2nd place for my age group in a half marathon 2 months after that, and then went on and qualified for the Boston marathon (my 2nd time since I was 22 and have been dreaming about for all these years since as I never ran it the first time I qualified) in October? I literally randomly signed up for the marathon not thinking I could even do it since I had a broken bone. I tried to sign up for the half, but there was a cheaper deal on craigslist from some guy selling his bib. Anyhow, I mention all of this because it's UNREAL what you can achieve sober or at least how drastically different my life is in recovery. EVERYTHING gets better. It's just the drugs tricking you that can't function without them. ESPECIALLY ADDERALL. But I know that I know that I know that my life is a MILLION TIMES BETTER OFF without it! Anyhow, I just typed out an essay. Sorry about that, lol. I have so much on my mind. Message me if you need someone to reach out to if you're feeling down! I love helping others whenever possible. It helps keep me clean! Much love!! LT P.s. I wanted to share one more thing I found last night. Remember the signs I mentioned yesterday? I looked up my sobriety date under the angel number signs and this is what it says. I thought it was pretty awesome! #SIGNS Angel number 625 meaning shows that this is the time for you to make some necessary but very important changes in your life. This change will help open new and eventful opportunities in your life. These opportunities will lead to your growth and expansion in the right direction. As much as change is difficult, adapt to it for your own benefit.
  9. So anxious...

    Ok, you're making a big impact on me and I am grateful to have someone I can be helpful to right now! I want you to really understand my situation so this doesn't happen to you and you CAN break free NOW before anything bad happens like it did to me! I have not brought this up on this forum because I've been too scared to post about it, but I want to tell you something. There were only a few times I went back and got adderall during my slip of the past few years. I had just recently found a few people who would sell them to me. The day of my accident I had just gotten some pills because I needed to sober up for work and I was freaking the hell out. WELL, they were sitting on my passenger seat and I had just popped the first one an hour before the accident. It had just kicked in and I was going about 80-100 mph because I was so high and trying to get to work on time. It was POURING down rain so I hydroplaned. THEN as soon as the semi hit and the car stopped, I came to with all the airbags deployed and my first thought was GRAB THE PILLS!! I put them in my pocket, right? Well, I wasn't thinking straight to say the least. The cops came, gave me a sobriety test, and then searched me and found them. I was charged with a freaking FELONY! I then went on and did outpatient rehab and EVERYTHING I possibly could to get it dismissed. It has been dismissed now THANK GOD and I just have to go get the records sealed next week. PLEASE use this for your benefit and let it be another sign to stay clean. I hope this helps. Hugs!
  10. So anxious...

    I just saw your response pop up in my email and I had to come back to tell you, IT'S A SIGN!!! I LOVE it when my angels direct me and give me signs!! And this makes my heart so happy for you! I don't know if you believe in that stuff, but I sure do! I've read our guardian angels are always trying to communicate with us and until we make a conscious choice to start looking for the signs, we might not see them. I'm trying to think back to my last one... I can't think of any recently, but I do know the week before my car accident in which I should've died I got about 6 MAJOR signs from them that said, "SOBER UP!" Wait, I just found another one... so my friend Kelsey and I love talking about the signs and we always text each other when we get them. I just found one of our texts back from my accident. This one is horribly sad, but again it was a sign from my angels. So back this past year I got an email from change.org about this girl that died in a car accident because her car had faulty airbags. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/leticiamiranda/a-17-year-old-girl-died-after-a-defective-air-bag-ruptured-i I normally don't pay attention to recalls on my car for some reason, but I read this email and even sent it to my mom because it was so horribly sad. THEN I got a notice that my car was recalled for the same airbags! I had a hondafit so for the first time ever I actually took it in and had them fixed. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I have guessed I was going to get into a car accident that same year and ALL my airbags went off. Who knows if they were bad, but all I know is my angels are with me all the time. Glad you found that journal entry!! Hope it brightened your day. You are doing this!! Stay strong!!!
  11. So anxious...

    Chunk everything down into small baby steps and then delight in the fact of accomplishing one chunk at a time. Try to turn off any thoughts outside of the task at hand. Recently, I've done this thing where I tell myself STOP THINKING and I try to just be aware of the present and my surroundings. I learned it from Elkhart Tolle (The power of now). It really does help!
  12. Day 1

    Honestly, that really makes me feel so much better about my slip up so thank you so much for sharing! I got clean 11.12.10 and then had a really good chunk of time completely free of all drugs/alcohol up until 4/2017 minus a 5 month drinking bender and some other random binges here and there. I do feel that each time I've started it all up again I've learned a lot about what led up to it and now working to fix those issues so I can stay clean and free moving forward. One thing I noticed about people with long term recovery is a lot of them plugged into some type of program and I think that's really important for accountability sake. I'm trying to start a Smart Recovery meeting at my church and waiting to hear back from my pastor. I know if I'm in charge of that I will stand a way greater chance of not going back to all of it this time. Fingers crossed he says yes! How was your 6 years substance free? Do you remember what precipitated the slip?
  13. Day 1

    That's so awesome you two!! Keep it up! Although I am not in the trenches of adderall addiction anymore, I can relate now from coming clean of kratom. I am on day 32 today and it's been a whirlwind. I took it daily for 4.5 months straight and it seriously took the first 3 weeks to get the acute withdrawals over and done with. Week 4 was insane because the acute phase of withdrawals ended, but my craving for alcohol came back full force (170 days clean from all substances + 32 days kratom free). Anyhow, what I discovered this past week was the crazy brain fog had finally lifted and I am completely back to my old self again. My relationships with people are coming back to life! I was so consumed by alcohol/drugs for past almost 3 years, it's like everything else had vanished to the way side. I just feel like I feel everything so much more and I am so raw today in the best of ways. It makes me sad I abandoned myself for all that time, but good AF again to be back and feeling better than ever! I like being present today more than I ever did before. I like waking up after actually sleeping a full 8 hours feeling refreshed. I love that I am not trapped by any addiction..you know the constant searching, waiting, trying to get the next buzz, coming down from the high, and then trying to get the high again. OR the times you do get it, but it's nowhere as potent as the last time and you need more than before. What an exhausting experience! And I love relishing in the fact that each day I don't do it, I am one step further away from it, one day stronger, and one day freer from it than the day before. One day none of this will be a struggle anymore. It has gotten so much progressively better for me and I'm so grateful I quit and moving in the right direction again. The fact the thought arose and you didn't act on it was HUGE! Keep doing that and delight in the joy that you beat your addictive voice! I keep imagining the gremlin in my brain and then I swing at him from within my brain and knock him the F out of my ear. LOL. Bye bye monster!!
  14. Day 1

    Hi Delaney! How you doing??? You hanging in there???
  15. HOPE

    So glad you are here!