"taking adderall is like taking a pill that transforms me into the person i always want to be, the person i strive to be, but is not. i am not that person, that pill makes me that person." - me
Hi, i'm Emily, i'm 20 yrs old, and i live in a small suburb right outside of Detroit, MI. i came across this site a little over a yr ago while trying to look online to see if there was anybody else out there who felt the same way i did... addicted to adderall!
it all started when i was in the 9th grade, i got jumped by 3 big black girls while walking to a nearby ice cream shop. i was traumatized, after that happened two weeks later my uncle committed suicide on booze and pills, so my mom took me to a counselor there they thought it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and they said they thought i had ADD. when i first took it i didn't like it, i felt like a zombie so i told my mom i didn't want to take it anymore, so i didn't. that was in the fall of my freshman year.
Around November or Decemember my grandpa died unexpectedly then the following spring my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, so she moved down here from up north to go to an assisted living. during that time i started dating my high school sweet heart jerry. he was my first serious boyfriend, and i guess u could say first love... i later realized that i was never in love with him but i did love him, i will get to that later....
so he would go with me everyday to go see my grandma, she was only in there for about a month before we all gathered around her bed and watched her take her last breath. the first thing i remember doing was going into my moms purse and taking the first pill i could find which was my adderall prescription, i took 2 then jerry drove me home.
i must have smoked literally about 1 pack on the way home.... and listened to the same song, supernova by oasis. l Loved the way that the adderall made me feel so i asked my mom to put me back on it.
all of a sudden i would go to school, not sleep but want to learn. i would do my homework as soon as i could then i would sit there and draw, then when it came to lunch i wouldn't be hungry.. at all, so i started saving my 5$ a day to buy weed.
Lets fast forward to the beginning of my sophomore year, i had to have a foot surgery from an accident i had as a baby, and i was put on home-bound so i would wake up, take my addy, do all my homework then clean clean clean,, or spend 4 hours getting ready, then waiting for jer to get off work so we could go to our friends house alex and smoke weed. in the beginning i would get really bad anxiety i couldn't explain it. so within the 5 months i was on home-bound i lost ALOT of weight. i was about 150 when i started and got down to 120. and i loved it, i was finally the person i wanted to be, skinny energetic, and smart.
by the 2nd semester of my sophomore year i was achieving a 4.0 and on volleyball, i was actually being scouted for a volleyball scholarship but that all ended quickly.
i started going out all the time, with or without my boyfriend at that point. i just wanted to go out and be social, i didn't even care if i drank just as long as i was on adderall and had a blunt it was all good. around this time in my life i started to become very promiscuous, i would lie to jer to hang out with other guys and eventually started cheating on him. and he had no idea. i became a liar and a people pleaser.
i have been in special ed since like middle school for reading comprehension, but after i got off home-bound i asked my mom if there was any way i could test out because the work was so easy and i wanted more of a challenge. i went to the test on a two day addy binge and still passed, so i was put in general ed... with ALL of my friends.
so by junior year i started skipping to leave school and smoke, dropped out of volleyball, and started to abuse my adderall more and more. my mom held on to my prescription so i began asking for two instead of one. i would go to school on 1 then run home right after 3rd hr because i wanted more. more more more. that became my main focus. then i eventually wouldn't do anything unless i had my adderall. with out it felt lazy, i wouldn't even get out of bed to shower.
close to when i turned 18 i was asking my mom for 3 to 4 a day, my mom is bi polar szchiphrenic, and in about a week or so i was out, and i asked why and she said she wanted to try them out like "baby food".
ever really since i can remember my mom has these "epidsodes" i call them, when shes on her meds she s like super mom, the best mom i could ever ask for then shell stop taking her bi polar meds because shes feeling good, and welll have an episode... when she has these shes not herself, she talks to her self, talks in tounges, doesnt clean, doesnt make food, and doesnt take care of my little sister amy, were 7 yrs apart and ever since i turned 12 or 13 once my older brother and sister moved out taking care of her, and my mom was my responsiblity, because my dad is a very passive person. he just kinda looks the other way, while my mom needs to go to the hospital, well pyzh ward and get on her medicines. after my little sister was born, my dad said thts when this all started. she goes to the mental hospital, @ least every 4-5 months, it's A Cycle, and during that time im the one responsible for my sister, laundry shopping, cooking, EVERYTHING. no one else will do it so i have to, and my little sister now resents my mom for this bc shes never there when she needs her, and it doesnt help that now that shes getting older, im no longer her hero, but someone she doesnt want to turn out like and it hurts, and my dad doesnt care.
by my senior year i was failing almost everything and just decided to drop out. i hated going to school and i just wanted the easy way out. i dropped out 3 weeks into my senior year..
me and jer were still together but we started to begin fighting alot because i was always lieing,
i don't know if you've ever been in love, but love makes u do crazy things. our relationship started to become violent, he never hurt me but he has punched out my windows in my car, and then one time this guy was dropping me off @ my car at a restaurant and jer ended up blowing out his driver side window with a crow bar. he loved me so much and he could tell i was changing, i got attention from guys every where i would go and he didn't like it. and i honestly could care less, i wanted to just go out and be single, it was like i lived a double life, and it was and is not fair to him.
then i turned 18. when i turned 18 i got a settlement from the accident i had on my foot when i was a baby, i had 30,000$$ wired into my bank account on midnight of my birthday, at that time i was off the adderall for about a week, so the first thing i did was buy jer and i laptops, stayed at his house, then the next day i was suppose to go shopping with my mom and little sister, so i bought some adderall from one of my dealers, and from there on out the adderall made me feel like i was the shit.i had hair extensions, i was tan, i was skinny beautiful and banking. that night i asked a girl i grew up with to go to the club and we did and i had the time of my life. i started ignoring jer all the time. then me and this girl decided to get an apartment, and i told her @ first i would help her out bc she was working at Wendys and not ,making much... we leased the apartment and 2 weeks later i made her move out bc she proved to me that i couldn't trust her.
by this time all the decisions i was making were all on impulse i didn't think to save half, or buy a new car or anything. i lived in the moment and all i cared about was were i was getting my next high and where to blow my money.
then i got a friend request from this guy named jeremy, i added him and saw on his profile that he was going to school to be an interior designer, and @ that time that's what i wanted to do with my life. so we started texting, and turns out he sold adderall, so i went and bought a few from him one night after jer dropped me off at my car and we were suppose to meet up @ a mutual friends party after i ran my "errand".
meeting jeremy was unexplainable. it was love @ first sight.
i went to the party right after i got the addys and jer and i of course got into another fight, and he went home and said he was bringing a gun back bc his boy wanted him to leave bc of our arguing,
i speed-ed on home to my apartment and spent the night alone with my puppy tweaking. the next day i was suppose to get more pills from jeremy so i went over there we smoke a bleezy, he showed me his work from interior design and i was so impressed, he was 25 and i was 18 and turns out my brother and him went to school together. so i left his house went home bc we planned on going to the movies that night, so he came to my apartment and we just ended up smoking and drinking a few beers. while we were there jer came pounding on the door, so we just acted like no one was there and finally he went away. that night me and jeremy talked about everything, we had this strong connection, we were out on my porch and it started poring rain, and he kissed me, out of nowhere, unexpected, and it took my breath away. we ended up having sex on the floor i didn't have furniture in front on the porch where anyone could see.
we were in separable after that. i ended up moving in with him at his sisters house, and i loved it at first, i loved his family, i loved him, i loved everything about us, not only were we so cute together i was IN love with him. when we started dating i ignored all of jerrys calls... i ended up just getting a new phone and changing my number. we never even officially ended it, i just pretty much left him.. and right before our 4 yr anniversy.
jeremy took me to do things ive never done before, like gamble, we went to an indian reservation casino and my first time there i won 5,000 dollars on a slot machine. and what did i do buy jeremy a crotch rocket.
i eventually would up driving 4hrs to go there, tweaking out for like 3 days straight on adderall and gambling my money away, i got my settlement in April and by December i had nothing left.
after dating jeremy for a couple of months i noticed warning signs... about his anger and jealousy and i should have ran the other way, but i felt like this was the guy i was going to marry and have children with!
i started taking Xanax for my anxiety, and that's when jeremy began noticed i had a problem with pills. i started taking alot of zannys and blacking out all the time
jeremy broke up with me while i was in rehab my first time. i felt like it was the end of the world.
i came home in December and he still wanted nothing to do with me and then my life changed, i found out i was pregnant
i told jeremy because i felt like he needed to know and all i wanted him to say was okay yay lets have this baby, but no. he wanted me to have an abortion.
i was 18 at the time. i was using drugs constantly and i felt like i had no other choice but to get an abortion. jeremy didn't even take me. my girlfriend did, that was the hardest decisions i have ever had to make in my life, and right after that i asked my parents to send me to a rehab in California i had to get away from this shit hole town i lived in.
i didn't tell jeremy i was going to California and while i was there he called me, he found out where i was at thru my parents. i was there for 3 months before i came home, and he picked me up from the airport we went straight to his house to have sex and while we were he said lets make another baby, that's when the head games started. he took me off all the meds the rehab gave me and put me on "marijuana maintenance" after about three weeks i relapsed again went back to rehab got out relapsed went back to rehab, it was the same and still is the same cycle since i've turned 18. jeremy tried to be as involved as he could he went to counseling with me, and really tried to understand addiction and everything... he would find my pills after a relapse and flush them down the toilet, then he started becoming abusive from fighting so much,
one day i was curling my hair and he burned me with the curling iron because he didn't want other guys to pay attention to me. he one time locked me in the basement for 12 hrs with out a phone, computer anything. it got to the point to where we had a bad fight and he told me, i want u to kill yourself the world would be better if u just killed yourself so i punched him in the face while we were driving and he ended up dropping me off @ my parents, where i made a suicide note and tried to kill my self off pills. my dad found me and took me to the psych ward, and from there i went to rehab, and i ended things completely with jeremy. well actually he ended things with me which made me even more, i wouldn't say obsessive not like stalkerish, but i was obsessed with the fact that i could change my self and make him want me.
i've been to rehab 9 times since i've turned 18, and this past September i was arrested for retail fraud, i was all zannied out and stole 300$ worth of shit from Kohls the judge gave me a year on probation.. which i have been struggling with, at first she made me drop for drugs 2 times a week and i did good, for about two months then i was thinking okay i can take an adderall here and there, well i ended up violating for dropping dirty so she made it to 3 X a week, and i just dropped dirty again for amphetamines so since my last violation has come in the mail i went to see my probation officer, nd i straight up told her, i cant do this, i don't have the self control nor will power, i asked her if i could just do jail time and make it so i'm done with probation because i cant stay clean and the judge told me last time i violated, one more u get 30 days straight. my probation officer and i ended up having a heart to heart, and she made me realize that i CAN do it, and i know that, but i cant come home to the same environment i do any other time, which is my parents house. they baby me, i don't have a job at the moment i'm just use to them taking care of everything and i know and have been told i am not a little girl anymore, but i want to be, i don't want to grow up and have to be responsible, but then again, this is my last chance. my probo officer told me that i need to go into impatient (AGAIN) before my court date which is Feburary 14th. so for the past week all i've been doing is getting high, taking advantage of this time, saying for the thousand millionth time, this is the last time i'm doing this shit.
up until October the only person i knew that have died from drugs was my uncle, and that all changed quickly, first two kids i went to high school with died on their way home from a strip club from drinking and driving.
two weekends later, this kid i dated in middle school and another kid i went to high-school with were murdered right down the street from me, and dumped in an ally on the east-side of Detroit then a week later two kids i knew from westland were murdered also.
i went to all of those funerals and it WAS a wake up call... this is what addiction does to you.
it's like i have to do this, it's either this or go to jail and i don't really want to go to jail, i did at first just so i can get this shit over with and get high when i come out, but i'm starting to look at this in a way of not taking the easy way out, i have my whole life. it's time to grow up, and take control and responsibility for my actions. it's like i know what i need to do, but i don't want to, i sometimes feel that if i just ignore it will all go away, and ill wake up 14 with another chance at life.
but i need to take the mistakes I've made and use them to my advantage.
@ this point i can honestly say that the only thing i have accomplished is being one hell of an addict, and excellent liar, and have mastered becoming a thief, and stealing things.
i'm the first one to co-sign my own bullshit. and it;s time to stop. it's time. i don't want to depend on my parents for money,
i'm somewhat offically over jeremy, we talk and sorta hook up every now and then but being around him is not the same @ all...
me and jerry made up, i dont know how or why he forgave me, but he did, i apologized for taking him for granted and he accepted the apology, but we are just friends, and i find my self wanting another chance with him. he has his shit together hes in school for engineering, he works on my car, and he was actually just over today looking at it and my parents kept telling me, you should get him back, it was such a mistake how u hurt him, and i know that. i feel like an asshole, and i have brought that up to him before, that i want to be with him and he tells me he just cant see us in a relationship... i'm hoping things will change as we mature but he his the one person i can ALWAYS count on.
up until this point i have avoided getting in trouble with the law, i never thought "that would be me" but it is, this can either be the start of a rap sheet or it can be a wake up call, a lesson- the last thing i want to do is go back into rehab but this time im ready to go, all the other times it was bc either jeremy, or my parents wanted me too, but i need to do this because i want to. like they say-
"JAiLS, iNSTiTUTiONS, OR DEATH"
i have two down.... only one to go.