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About mka

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  • Birthday 11/02/1988

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    art, culinary arts, music, learning
  1. I want to start again...

    Gaining weight is frustrating no matter why it's happening. Just focus on your mental self right now. Focus on healing like you said, both physically and mentally. Your weight will balance out in time. Your body is just trying to figure out what to do with itself haha. It's better to gain a little weight, and lose an addiction any day. Keep it up, and stay posi!
  2. 35 days free

    Today makes 35 days free of Adderall. It has been kind of a jumble of emotions, but for the most part, I feel wonderful. It was very difficult, but I don't regret stopping. It's crazy, when I was taking Adderall, I regretted ever having started that damn drug. I regretted allowing myself to get hooked. When I was on the drug, I would always try to tell myself, 'there's nothing wrong with taking this, it's not like you abuse it, the dr. prescribes it.' Now, looking back, I am disgusted with how addicted I was. I have no desire to ever take another Adderall. There were one or two times during the past month or so, where I felt so low, so useless, that I thought, man, maybe this is a mistake, maybe I actually do need this. At times like that though, I just kept reminding myself that I DON'T need it, I CAN be productive, and happy, and worthwhile without it. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle to stay awake at work everyday haha, being a secretary will do that to you. But, I would rather wake up in the morning, tired, like a 'normal' person, and have to get through the work day, than be jolted out of bed when my Adderall kicks in, and just kind of buzz through the days. It's nice to have control again basically. A couple benefits that I have really been enjoying since quitting are the ability to truly and completely relax. Before, I always felt like I had to go, go, go, always do, create, etc. Now, on Saturday mornings, I let myself sleep in until 9, even 10 somedays. Back on Adderall, I was up at 6 am 6 days a week. Also, my sex drive is back. Not only that, but I'm not anxious about sex anymore. I found that on Adderall I tended to overthink everything, including sex, which took a lot of the enjoyment out of it for me. Last but not least, I'm down to less that half a pack of cigarettes a day, which is huge for me. Considering when I was on Adderall I smokes anywhere from a pack to a pack and a half a day. I am working on quitting cigarettes completely, but am trying not to overwhelm myself. I find the less I think about quitting smoking, the less I smoke. Good luck to everyone, no matter where you are in your fight to get off, or stay off. You can do it.
  3. Quitting Adderall Rewards

    Add to list: -Enjoying sex again -Cutting down on smoking -Feeling REAL
  4. I want to start again...

    It is not worth it to start again I honestly can't stress that enough. I can understand your concern with the weight gain, especially if you are shorter and have a small frame, 5 pounds can feel like a lot. HOWEVER, think about everything you will gain other than weight...Like natural concentration, regular sleep, control of your emotions, heightened sex drive, etc. It kind of makes the 5 pounds pale in comparison. Mike is right, if you are very concerned, exercise. It has helped me tremendously to exercise while quitting Adderall. I'm just over a month without it, and exercising has not only helped me to stave off the fear of gaining weight, but it also helps add crucial energy. Good luck! You can do this.
  5. 4 days Adderall free

    It definitely felt awesome, It was just a little finger painting haha, but it felt great, so I think it's beautiful. I'm sorry to hear that you're cooped up at home, just stay posi and keep busy. I know you hear it a lot, but I really appreciate this website. I definitely found it at the right time for me, and reading the different forms and advice has helped me a lot with quitting. You're a great writer, and from the sounds of it, a great guy. Keep it up : )
  6. Michigan

    I am in Michigan
  7. Adderall Withdrawal Fatigue

    I agree with Mike, there is no such thing as too soon when it comes to exercise. Today was day 4 for me, and exercising has been helping tremendously. GREAT JOB!!! I understand what you're going through, keep it up. We can do it
  8. Today's my 4th day without any Adderall, and it's going better than I could have hoped. Day 1: Woke up at 6, had a mini freak out, called into work, went back to bed till about 11. Then, made myself take a nice bike ride, which helped both my mood and my energy tremendously. Day 2: Made it to work, but only half a day, better than nothing I guess. After I worked half a day, I slept on and off the rest of the day. Day 3: Woke up at a decent hour, actually went out shopping with my boyfriend. Felt pretty terrible most of the day. Went for a good long bike ride with my boyfriend Danny, then we went and played on a playground by our house. Eating right and exercising as much as possible helps so much. Day 4: Went grocery shopping, painted, which was in itself a feat. I have been painting for about 7 years, but always kind of in spurts. Today was amazing, it is the most uninhibited I have felt in a long time, or I guess since before I started taking Adderall 5 years ago. Bad headaches and lethargy everyday, but also an excellent sense of clear headedness. In short, it has been an extremely rough 4 days, and I am scared for work tomorrow. BUT, I am staying posi, trying to keep active and busy, and knowing that in the end it will be worth it. I can't wait to be back to me, I'm not really sure who 'me' is anymore... But I'm ready to find it. I'm 22 years old, and I've only wasted 5 of those years being medicated. I know I can do this, with the support of Danny, this site, and my own will. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young said it best: 'I don't know who I am, but life is for learning" I can't wait to learn with my own brain, unmotivated, and uninhibited by Adderall and Effexor. I can do this, you can too. Attached is a painting I did today. It isn't much, but it made me feel amazing, both doing it, and feeling the end result. Creation from and of myself...and nothing else.
  9. I want the old me back!

    You can do this. Today was my first day Adderall free. Not going to lie, this morning was extremely hard for me, had a bit of a panic attack, called into work, then went back to bed for a couple hours. After I forced myself out of bed though, I went for a bike ride to try and energize and clear my head, totally worked. I understand completely what you mean about just constantly worrying about getting things done, but then ending up not getting anything done at all. It's a vicious cycle. If you are a wedding photographer, then honestly, taking a few days off might be a better option than risking ruining a job. Have you considered weaning yourself? Talk to your mom. Be honest, tell her to stop sending you them. If she doesn't, tell her she is wasting her money, and you will flush them anyways. You sound like you are ready to quit. Now you just need to take the step to actually do it. It is possible, and it will be worth it. good luck
  10. when adderall stops working

    I understand the whole not being able to get out of bed without it. Today is my first day completely Adderall-free, and this morning was pure hell. If the pill is no longer doing what you want, maybe you can start looking at tapering off, or even quitting cold turkey? I won't try to downplay how bad it sucks, I'm only on my first day, and I already called into work, and went back to bed for 3 hours before I could manage to pull myself up.... BUT I know without question, that in the end, IT WILL BE WORTH IT... To be medication-free, will feel better than any feeling Adderall has given me in the 5 years I took it. Is it worth it to keep taking your pills, when they aren't even working anymore? I'm not trying to hate, because I understand how hard it is to even consider not taking it. It took me over a year of wanting desperately to quit, before I can say that today is my first day without it. I'm just asking that you take a good look at whether it's worth it to keep chasing that high. Good luck, you are strong, even if you don't feel strong, just for reaching out.
  11. 5 mg left

    I understand what you mean, if I woke up later than usual, like on the weekends, I would be a complete basketcase. That was actually one of this biggest triggers for me wanting to get off of the Effexor, aside from just wanting to be in control of my emotions. I'm still very scared about being Adderall-free. Even though I never abused the drug, ie taking more than I was prescribed, or taking it more often...I know I am still definitely addicted to it. And that scares me, especially considering that my mom is an addict, and I have been striving for the past 7 years to NOT be like her. Thank you so much for your encouragement, it means the world to me. Keep being wonderful
  12. 5 mg left

    Thank you so much for the encouragement! I did kind of freak out last night and this morning about being Adderall-free, luckily though I have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, and a smart, supportive sister. They are helping me tremendously to get through this. Plus, I feel like this website is an amazing help as well. You are all so encouraging and understanding. It really helps to have the support of people who have been through this. My boyfriend, bless his heart, tries his best to offer me support, but he even admits, he doesn't understand exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I can do this. I will
  13. 5 mg left

    I have been on Adderall XR since 2006, my senior year of high school. I started taking it because my mom, who is herself a drug addict, reccomended it to me to help me get out of bed for school in the am, and stay awake for first hour (High school started at 7:15 am). I should have known then, given the fact that my mom reccomended it, that it would be bad. Anyways, at about the same time I started taking Adderall, I started taking Effexor XR (A serotonin reuptake inhibitor for bipolar disorder). So started my terrible, enlightening trek through medicated life. It was bad...Real bad. It got to the point, where I would set my alarm for about an hour before I actually had to wake up; 'take my pills', half the time without even remembering, then be jerked awake about an hour later by my Adderall. I hated it. I hated who I was, and who I am now. About 2 months ago, I quit my Effexor cold turkey. Anyone who has quit a similar medication understands the hell it puts you through. I just couldn't handle not being responsible for my emotions anymore. The whole reason I quit Effexor is because there were maybe 2 times where I ran out of pills before I got a new prescription, and basically went crazy. I'd lay in bed sobbing, wanting to hurt myself and anyone who dared venture into my sight. I got to thinking about 6 months ago, what the hell is this drug doing to me for the long term, if I withdraw from it this bad after missing 2 days? (the Effexor) I started strongly wanting to get off of it, but at the time I was still living with my mom, who is an addict (pills, spec. opiods and benzodiazapines), and didn't think I could handle the effects of withdrawing. Luckily, I was able to move out of my mom's house in February, and in with my sister. I now have a much more stable home life, as well as a beneficial distance between my mother and I, which makes the time I do spend with her draining, but much more bearable. Anyways, in April, it got to be the time to make the appointment to get more Effexor. But I was pissed, bitter, and scared. Not only was I starting to wonder who the real me even was anymore, but I started wondering who I could be without the Effexor. So, I just didn't get my prescription for my Effexor filled. It was hell. I cannot find adequate words to describe the emotional and physical roller coaster it put me through. I was up, down, hell... I was sideways. I also experienced what someone very accurately described as 'brain zaps', to the point where I didn't trust myself to walk, much less drive. But, it was, and still is very worth it. Sure, I am having extreme mood swings, I am bipolar after all . But, it is me having these crazy moods, not a pill. I started having the same convictions and longing to quit Adderall about a year ago, but again, I was terrified. I still am. I was on 30 mg of the xr, once a day, and then 10 mg of the blue bastards once a day "as needed" (ex: when the xr started to plateau in midafternoon I'd pop a 10 to draw it out til bed). Again, at about the middle of April, my Adderall XR ran out, and it came time to make the appointment. Again, I was bitter, pissed, and scared. So, I didn't make the appointment. However, I had a bunch of 10 mg regular release pills left from the days I didn't take them. So, I began weaning myself off of my Adderall. I started by taking 2 blue pills a day (20 mg) for about 2 weeks. Then, I dropped it to 1.5 (15 mg) for about a week and a half. Next, I dropped it down to 1 (10 mg) for 2 weeks. For the past week and a half or so, I have been taking half a pill, or 5 mg. Tomorrow is my last half of a pill. I am terrified. I found this website today at work (I am a secratary), and it made me feel amazing to find people who understand the fear, regret, confusion, and feelings that I have. I want nothing more than to be free of any mind altering medications, and I know, especially with the help of this website, that I can do it. I will do it. Thank you.