jessiem

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About jessiem

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  1. 15 years on adderall...now a new life

    ]A quote by InRecovery - "you know very well that at a certain point the drug really begins to wreck your focus, your judgement, and disrupts your life... with your biggest priority always being preoccupied with sustaining your pill supply... "This is sooo true! 10 years on..18 months off now. Trust me...come back and check out this site every now and then. You will need that reminder as to why adderall is so bad. You will need to be reminded of your bad experiences because only the good ones will seep through in memory as you take this journey off adderall. good luck to you! GodSpeed, Jessie
  2. So, I have a friend who just started taking adderall. Just got her first prescription, is 34 years-old, and just happened to recently experience a dislocated jaw. She claims that it was due to a combination of stress and work. But, after finding out that she just started taking addies, my husband and I were both convinced that...yup, the adderall was the culprit! Not, really our business. But, I did share with her my nightmare of an experience and she expressed her fear to her husband (who also just started his own rx of adderall). He responded "honey, you are fine...you are someone who I think really needs adderall"....then to us, he says "she take half a 30mg pill and is fine for the day." I know it is not my business, but I just had to share my experience and I believe that anyone who starts this god-awful drug is bound for eventual destruction. She was so bouncy before and now she is a little blah. Still, not my business. And, I can't deny that I am a little jealous of their beginning experiences on adderall. It's like a new relationship. You have the honeymoon period and then....Well, we all know what happens after the "then" part. Personally, I believe, that if she stays on it, she is bound for about 3 years of greatness, which will all come crumbling down once she quits. Who knows, maybe she will be one of the lucky ones who can handle adderall and not have it destroy what you think is your life. Although, I have yet to meet a person who has remained disciplined with their adderall dosage. I would just like to hear your take on this situation? Adderall = dislocated jaw? or not? Love, Jessie
  3. 18 months w/o rx

    InRecovery: Yes. I agree. Stop the addies every now and then and for good. After 10 years, I quit November 5, 2010. Went into outpatient re-hab for 6-weeks and was off adderall for 7 months before I had my first few pills. To be honest, it was my mother who had supplied me with some pills after quitting, when she came to visit at the end of May 2011. She would then send them to me (of course I was practically begging as I no longer had access to a prescription) through the mail (prob a weeks worth) once a month during the summer and early fall months. The last time I took an adderall was September 1, 2011. Yes, the most difficult part is the mental battle! Only now (18 months after 120mg daily(well 7 months totally without)), do I feel like I am starting to feel okay without it. Accepting that I may not ever totally use my degree in elementary education (prob won't become a teacher). Accepting that my house may never be as emaculately clean as before. Accepting that this recovery may take years! I accept it all. Because, my husband is happy, my son is happy, and I am now happy (most of the time)! But, I still will not deny, that I was substituting for awhile (beer and pot) slowing my progress a great deal. Thank you for listening. I just needed to share my experience and that feels good. I appreciate responses soooo much! But, if you don't respond, I still can appreciate our shared experiences on this awful drug that truely lies to you! (p.s. I don't have a stash, haven't had one since I called my doc back in Nov. 2010 to let them know I had an addiction prob, and (thankfully) my mom stopped getting addies when they had the shortage last year). So, no access is a good thing! Post-Adderall: I will look for "The Feeling Good Handbook." I appreciate your insight into the mental challenge that by far trumps the physical challenge of quitting adderall. Thank you for responding! I hope that we can keep up this conversation. Because, even though it's been months since I've used adderall, I am far from being out of the woods. Good luck to you all! God Speed! Love, Jessie
  4. 18 months w/o rx

    Hello everyone. It's been awhile since I have visited this site. I have read through several topics and, at this point, I needed a reminder as to why it was so important for me to stop taking adderall! There was one person who mentioned that you will begin to forget the bad experiences on adderall and that the good will overshadow the bad in memory. VERY TRUE! I took adderall consistently for 10 years (except when I was pregnant with my son). It got me through college. I miss it so much. It has been kind of a shitty year and a half to be honest. But, it's better than being trapped in the adderall dungeon! However, I've drank beer to help motivate me, I've smoked pot to help with depression! Both replacement crutches to help the cripple (that is, what was me after quitting addies). Although, they haven't really helped, they have just cushioned my reality! So, now 18 months in and still struggling with my addiction, I am at a point where I am ready to get healthy. Really, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! So, on that note, if it takes 3 years to feel motivated again then the wait is worth it! You may be crippled for a long, long time..but finding yourself again will be around the corner. It may be a long corner, but I truely believe it is there! Quitting adderall is sooooo hard, and it seems that everyone just doesn't understand because the adderall high can be hidden so well. So why can't it be overcome so easily?! Someone also mentioned an adderallic's constant bombardment on artificial dopamine and norepinephrine. Makes sense. Which is why you really don't care about how productive you are; just that you get it done and in a sloppy way. That has been my experience after 18 months. Sure, beer and pot have probably slowed my progress. But, having no access to any RX to help with depression, anxiety, laziness, tiredness, (all effects of quitting adderall) I am to the point where I am ready to become more healthy. I know that it will take work to lose the 20 lbs I have gained, to be motivated on my own, to function without a crutch and not be crippled. It was 10 years of artificial brain chemistry...BOTTOM LINE! So, recovery is going to take some time. I have had a few pills here and there throughout the past 18 months. Although they have helped me get stuff (like laundry) done, they bring me right back to the horror of insomnia and the constant thinking about how much of a failure I have become! Lies, lies, lies! My addicted brain tells me! Don't believe the adderall! It lies!
  5. Hey everyone. Well it's been slightly over 4 months since I took my last pill. Let me tell you, honestly, this sucks! Really! It does suck! I spent all of my twenties (ten years) on adderall and my life was defined by this chemical. Arrgh! Now, I am having to define what is normal for me. It sucks! I don't mean to be a pessimist, but I have to vent a little. Anyway, things have been very difficult over the past few months. I still have my family though. So, really what is difficult doesn't really matter. The hardest part of this journey was losing my productivity. I miss it, what can I say. Hopefully, the next few months will better! I will stay posted. (hopefully, the next post will be a bit more positive, sorry.) Jess
  6. Today, is my 31st day without adderall. It definitely sucks to say the least. But, I am halfway through my IOP rehab program and there is definitely no going back! When I started, I called my doc to let his office know that I enrolled myself into a rehab program for my abuse/addiction. So, I couldn't get those evil pills even if I wanted to (which I definitely don't)! It has been a rough month. Lots of ups and downs (prob more downs than ups for sure). But, I am moving forward. Sometimes, I feel like it is only my faith that is keeping me afloat. But, my faith in God is strong and there are times when I receive signs that I know have to be from a higher power. For example, in the classroom I subbed in last Thursday, I came across "The Book of Virtues" and decided to flip through the chapter entitled "Self-Discipline". As I read through a few passages, the message became clear -- SELF-DISCIPLINE requires PRACTICE! And that is the message that has stayed with me since. I know that this message should be obvious and that I should have already known this. But, for some reason, I guess I was just unconsciously hoping that it would just grow as I move further away from my life on adderall. But, I realize that I must exercise my self-discipline. So, right now I am only doing so in baby steps....but my goal is to be able to run again! Month 1 down...the rest of my life to go! Good luck to everyone....my prayers are with you! Jess
  7. Day 5

    Wow! Your situation with the way you were taking adderall is exactly the way my experience has been over the past year or so. I can truely relate with the way you just wanted to "get it over with". I am now on day 5 myself and can feel the depression beginning to slowly emerge. But, last night as read through your post, I found some comic relief from your "used up piece of toiletpaper" comment. That is exactly how I feel during withdrawl and I couldn't help but laugh as I thought about your comment last night. So, thank you, laughter truely is a beacon of light during this dark period of my life. How is your experience going? Your post is a few months old and I am curious as to what the first few months were like for you?
  8. Chris, thank you for your words of encouragement. Yes, family is my passion. Divorce, was the demon that came when I was 10 yrs. old and robbed my world of love and family. Now, addiction is that demon returning and trying to take the love and family from my life. But I am not going to let it! Today was my initial screening and day 3 of the rest of my life. I will complete an 8-week Intensive Outpatient Program that includes 2-hour group counciling sessions, 3 days/week. Then, I will complete a 16-week aftercare program that includes a 1.5-hour group counciling session 1 day/week. This addiction is truely the "devil in disguise". It comes and says "here, have all this great power and glory". But it doesn't tell you that shadows begin to fill your soul and the only escape is to rid them with this evil drug adderall. The longer you are on adderall, the more trapped you become. Over the past few years, I really thought that there was no way out. I thought that I was going to die early because of this addiction. Now, I know in my heart that this is not going to happen. I know this because the lord has given me 3 "warriors" that will help me defeat this addiction. The first "warrior" is my family support. The second "warrior" is the addiction recovery program. And the third "warrior" is this website. Good luck to everyone! My prayers are with you.
  9. Hello. My name is Jessica. I am 30 yrs. old and have been taking adderall for 10 years. My story begins in August 2000 when I tried adderall for the first time. My boyfriend and I had been dating for about a year and a half (living an hour apart) when we decided to move into our first apartment together. He had been diagnosed as ADHD in his Junior year of high school and had been prescribed adderall for about 2 yrs. when we moved in together. He did not like taking adderall and would only take it when he needed to cram for a test or write a report for a college course. We both were in our 1st semester of college and in Sept. 2000 he gave me a pill to help me prep for an upcoming exam. From that time on, I started taking more and more of his prescription and eventually began taking it regularly as prescribed. At first, he didn't mind. But eventually he became increasingly frustrated with me because I would take his entire prescription and he would have to wait until the next refill date to get more. I quickly became dependant on his adderall and continued taking his prescription for the next 7 years. He grew more and more frustrated with me with each year, but only continued giving me his prescription because I would express my dire need (sometimes begging) for taking it. Finally, in 2007, he was fed up and quit going to his doctor to get the prescription. He had already graduated from college and I had another year to go. I was desperate and went to a doctor to get my own prescription. Finally, in September 2007 I was able to get my own prescription with a monthly supply of 90 15mg pills. I graduated with my Bachelor degree in May 2008 and was 4 months into our 1st pregnancy so I stopped taking adderall after I graduated. My greatest shame with this addiction is the fact that I continued taking adderall for the first 3 months of my pregnancy until I finished school. I stopped taking adderall for 7 months (May - December 2008). My son was born in September and I breastfed him until the end of December. I went back to my doctor January 2009 and have continued taking adderall since. My son is now 2yrs. old and his dad and I are still together but my abuse of adderall has progressively gotten worse and I take all of my pills for the month in 2 weeks. So, I have been on this horrible cycle of 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off for almost two years now. Over the past several months I have started abusing them to the point where I will binge (with little to no sleep) for the first week and then crash (still taking high doses) throughout the 2nd week. This crash is characterized by my body's tolerance (allowing me to sleep) becoming so high that I need to take 3x the amount to even have an effect. So, I might take all of the amount I would normally take throughout the day, by noon just to get me up and going. Then, by the end of the 2nd week I run out of pills and thats when I really crash. I cannot take this rollercoaster anymore! I have been lucky that this has not, yet, completely ruined my life. But, it has come to a point where I am dangerously close to losing the love of my life and my whole world is in peril because of this addiction. Adderall has become an evil curse and I keep thinking "okay this month I am going to make my prescription last and take it like I should". But, I always fail and can never make it beyond 2 weeks before running out. So, I am going to get treatment for my addiction. My initial screening is in 4 days, I have 130mg remaining (which might last 2 days), and I am scared but ready to take back my life. I know it is going to be a fighting battle to live without adderall, but it is a battle that I can no longer avoid! I am thankful that I discovered this website this evening, because I think that it will be valuable resource that will help support my strength in fighting the battle that is to come in the months (and possibly years) to come.