[Why is it so hard to stay sober?]

Hey InRecovery:

I think some of those lists similar to yours are posted in the articles section of this website.

I have never been to a NA meeting or read their speel but I think their casual approach to relapsing is fucked up. "...try again, without being too hard on ourselves". Now I'm not a big purveyor of guilt, crime, sin or punishment, but I do believe there should be significant consequenses that get worse each time you don't make the quitting effort permanent. I would like to debate this one further with you if you are up for it. I totally agree with your advice for Freedom needing to rev up her motivation to quit.

Which brings me to a question for Freedom: What was your personal consequence associated with your latest relapse and failure to stay sober? Something shameful? Something painful? Something costly? Something illegal? These kinds of penalties, if you have the inner will to self-enforce them, may prevent or delay your next relapse. If you just can't self-enforce your own penalties this may not work for you. In my case, my personal penalty for a relapse would have been (and remains to be) institutional substance abuse treatment if my own best efforts failed to work.

Freedom, you are fucking up each time you fail to stay off the adderall. NA may take a kinder and gentler view of it, but in my opinion you have failed to stay quit four times now so it's time to change your strategy.

[Does it have to be either/or?]

MindfullyDeluded:

In your original post you posed several very good questions and I would like to try and address your subject from the perspective of a ten year addict who has no intentions of re-experiencing this awful addiction.

First the question in your sub-title: Does it have to be either or? I try really hard to avoid the black and white, judgemental ways of thinking common to most alcoholics who have quit. I try to see the shades of gray or even the full color spectrum when considering anything that could be controversial. So my answer to your first question is: yes. When it comes to addiction, the answer is always catagoricly yes, it is all or none. From the book "unchain your brain" I found this (appproximate) quote:

"WHEN YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE FROM CASUAL USE TO ADDICTION, YOU CANNOT GO BACK TO CASUAL USE"

Sadly, this is the universal truth about addiction. It is like the law of gravity - there are no exceptions to this rule.

This brings up another one of your questions, "is it possible to use adderall mindfully....."

My answer is it depends on whether you have fallen into the black hole of addiction. I believe there are some (usually new) users of adderall who have the ability to use it mindfully and the ability to not use it for long periods of time and not fall into the addiction quicksand trap. In other words they can keep an open bottle of adderall on the shelf long past its expiration date and use it as the ultimate motivation or problem solving tool only when it was really, really needed. I was one of those who could do this and I kept some kind of recreational stimulant on the shelf for at least ten years before the addiction monster reared its ugly head with adderall.

I view drugs and addictions as life's cookies. If you like cookies this analagy works. We are all bestowed with certain cookies (or tools, toys or drugs) that we can nibble on throughout life. Some examples are the nicotine cookie, the stimulants, alcohol, painkillers, pot cookies, tranquilizers and gambling. I have cmpletely gobbled up my nicotine cookie and my stimulant cookie for this lifetime. But I can still mindfully nibble at all the other cookies if I break off really small pieces or even eat a whole chocolate chip once in a while.

[Long term side effects of Adderall]

From what I understand (and feel), there ARE long term changes to your brain chemistry, even after you quit, but nothing permanant. Eventually we will all recover from the impact of this addiction. Not that I want to demonize adderall's sinister sister methamphetamine, but I understand that meth addicts do not have it quite so good. Meth is has neurotoxic qualities to it, likely from the horrendous shit it is made from like battery acid and draino. Long term meth users might have fried a few brain cells.

Even if Adderall did create permanant changes to our brain chemistry, it is simply part of who we are from this point forward. Make the most of what you've got!

[How I quit Adderall]

Hi Whittering,

Welcome to quittingadderall. I hope you can find the tools and support that will help you kick adderall for good. This web site is so amazing and I am still discovering little corners of it that I've never been to.

Thanks for asking how I'm doing. It will soon be seven months since I quit. I still think about taking adderall every single day, but only in the past tense. I miss adderall right now. I am really glad I recently disposed of that huge stash of pills I had accumulated before I quit because I may have given in to the temptation over the holidays. But maybe not. I look at the past seven months as a HUGE investment into my own future, and quitting adderall was simply something that I needed to do for myself and my future, whatever the cost may be. I am 99% sure I will never take another hardcore stimulant drug. And then there is that 1% chance that I could have that all-too-human moment of weakness (or stupidity or greed), take a pill, and blow the whole thing. No thank you.. I can't think of a single thing that could make that 1% chance of a relapse happen.

Whittering, I read in your post that you invested three weeks in bed with withdrawls quitting only to blow it for a work project whthin three months. Damn. Now you know where your weak point is and that stress or pressure at work will make you more vulnerable to relapse. When I first started taking adderall, I took it on the weekends and not during the work week. Why? Because they were scarce and precious and expensive little pills that made me perform at 150%, and enjoy whatever it was that had to be done, even if it sucked. Call it selfish, but I just couldn't justify giving my employer that much more of myself and my resources when they weren't even paying me a good wage or providing the pills. I was able to take adderall on the weekends for about eight years. Eventually, the weekends grew from only sat and sun to thurs thru mon and at the end of my addiction, I was taking them daily just to avoid withdrawls. What a progressive disease that was - starting out at about 5 pills for an entire weekend and I ended up taking 4-5 pills per day, every day, by the time I finally quit. Responsible or reasonable use of adderall (for me) is simply not an option.

Here is a quote i just read from a book by Wayne Dyer:

"you overcome old habbits by leaving them behind"

And in order to leave old habbits behind you must grieve the loss of such habbits, just as if you were grieving the loss of a person, pet, or a favorite object.

[Why is it so hard to stay sober?]

Hey Freedom,

So sorry to hear about your latest relapse. You noted a couple of things I can relate to regarding friends with adderall. I too have a best friend with whom I really enjoyed "playing football" (you know, the 30 mg oval generic adderall pills). We have discussed quitting many, many times both before and after I quit last June. I am really concerned for his health because he takes way too much adderall and has complications from it. But he is still my best friend and we have an understanding that he is never to offer me adderall, even if I initiate the converstation. I offer him gentle encouragement to quit but try to stay off my addie high horse. Tell your friend that you feel the most important thing YOU can do is to quit adderall and you really need her support to stay quit. Tell her that it could be a relationship-ender if she EVER offered you another pill, even if you asked for it. If you can't tell her those two things then you are not ready to quit.

Have you ever grieved for your addiction? To grieve is to acknowledge the loss of something dear to you and to do that you must acknowledge that you will always love the way adderall made you feel. I have grieved a lot for the permanant loss of my adderall relationship, especially lately because this is the time of the year I really loved to take it. I could get most of my house and garage completely cleaned out with a double blast of adderall during the holidays, including polishing the furniture and appliances and cleaning the windows. Now all I have is coffee and energy drinks for motivation and they ain't the same as adderall. I try not to dwell on that kind of thought for long, and usually end it by reminding myself that adderall quit working for me like that several years ago so it is better that I ...quit once...and stayed quit.

[Can you quit with a planned relapse?]

TO QUIT: Finish, terminate, be done with, end, cease. What part of this word don't you understand? Look it up on your wicked pedia. What you are planning is a break or hiatus from your adderall addiction. Quitting an addiction is an absolute term like "dead" or "pregnant". People don't commit suicide intending to be dead for just a little while; and they don't become pregnant while planning an abortion. So the answer to your question is: FUCK NO, you can't quit adderall while planning your relapse.

Save yourself the angst and inner strife and just take your pills for your last semester of college. You can't afford to get stupid now so just take your pills. You can't afford to lose the motivation to study now so just take your pills. You are not so far into your addiction (especially at only 30 mg per day) that you need to quit right now so just take your pills. Be all the lemming you can be.

Plan your quit for a time after you graduate. It will be a natural break point in your life. Plan it carefully and plan it well so you only have to....quit once.

[15 years on adderall...now a new life]

"For all those who are using adderall, I must say that it is not sustainable, eventually you will have to stop using the drug"

That is the bottom line. RS, I couldn't have said it any beter than that. Good job with your first post and welcome to this post-adderall community.

Don't worry about not being interested in what your college degree was in at this point. You have a degree and that is huge. Many employers just want to see that somebody can stick with college long enough to get a degree and what it is in doesn't really matter unless you have grown to hate the subject. I got a BS degree in Animal Science and realized after I graduated that I really didn't like raising animals - and that was long before I discovered adderall.

The biggest discovery of your life has yet to be made: getting to know yourself for who you REALLY are without the fog of adderall. You will be discovering "normal" for the first time in your adult life and that might take you a couple of years or more. Life is made up of peaks and valleys and off adderall, the peaks will offer spectacular vistas, while the valleys will feel like you are in Hell. Welcome to LBA (life beyond addiction). At the age of 21, your brain is still developing for a few more years so don't get in a hurry to be an "adult" and enjoy the journey free of addictive drugs like adderall. Congrats on three months off adderall and may you never return to that awful addiction.

[Master Cleanser]

The Master Cleanser is an all-natural detoxification plan developed by Stanley Burrows in the 1940's. If you have ever considered the need to deep-cleanse your body from the inside and rid it of accumulated toxins, I highly recommend this program. It was in 2004 when I did it last so I am posting most of this from memory.

Here is a list of the supplies you will need to get for a ten day cleanse:

Lots of lemons

A quart or two of PURE maple syrup

Organic cayenne pepper (or any ground red pepper will do)

Purified water

Sea Salt

herbal laxative tea - one bag for each day of the cleanse

You start by drinking a cup laxative tea in the evening before day one

and then drink a cup of it each evening for the next ten days

You begin each day with a salt water flush by mixing the sea salt with warm water and drinking it before the water cools down

As you procede through each day, you drink a beverage made from fresh squeezed lemon juice, red pepper, maple syrup, and purified water 6-12 times per day, whenever you feel hungry. You may also drink as much water as you wish, and an occasional cup of mint tea if desired. This is all you may consume for the duration of the cleanse. You can not consume any pills. You can not smoke.

After the full ten days of cleansing, you end it by drinking some fresh squeezed orange juice and eating a fresh vegetable stew for a couple more days. Ten days is the recommended minimum duration. I have heard of people staying on it for up to 54 days.

I have left out some critical details, on purpose, because if you are really interested in this cleanse then you can simply google the "master cleanser". I downloaded and printed the entire 35 page book the last time I cleansed several years ago.

Now that I am done with adderall and cigarettes I feel the need to cleanse again and this is a good time of the year for me to undertake such endevors. Just thought I would let everybody know about it. It is well worth it. It builds your character too - and I don't doubt that those of you who have the determination to quit taking adderall could muster the strength to go off food for ten days and cleanse your body. It is also a great way to lose some weight if you need to.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

Yesterday I read the full article by Mike about work habits. I found the advice about planning to be most useful because I generally hate to plan anything. Somehow I feel planning will inhibit my ability to enjoy the moment to its fullest and it just feels restrictive. But I also know that not much gets done if you don't plan it out, even in a small way.

InRecovery, I had a recent Dr. visit with an experience similar to to yours. I went in for a routine six month check-up that was scheduled while I was still taking adderall. In fact it has been exactly six months now since I quit.

Here is our conversation when it came to discussing adderall:

Dr: Last time you were in you said you were going to try to wean down and go off adderall. Did you try it?

Me: I cold turkeyed it shortly after I saw you.

My thoughts: You shouldn't have to ask me that question since you havent signed any prescription slips for me lately.

Dr: How is your ADHD since then? Are you able to function at work?

Me: Actually I function better than when I was taking adderall. I think the high level of stress in my life at the time aggrevated my ADD symptoms and adderall seemed to help until the stress lessened then it just quit working for me last spring.

My thoughts: I must have done a pretty good job bullshiting my way through those ADD symptoms.

Me: In general, I think adderall agreed with me. It just quit working like it did when I first started taking it and I really don't like the addiction component of this drug.

My thoughts: you have no fucking clue how much adderall I was really taking and for how long.

Dr: Well, you can always go back on it if your ADD symptoms come back again.

Me: OK, That's good to know.

My thoughts: no, NO, FUCK NO I can't just 'go back on it' ever again. You didn't hear my concerns about addiction and you sure as fuck didn't help me get off of it last summer.

Dr: Now that you are not on any prescription medicine, I don't need to see you for another year.

Me: I don't really think I need to have annual physicals. But I will take an annual blood test at the health fair.

My thoughts: I will need to be pretty goddamn sick before I come back here again, but at least I know who to call if I need to. This conversation just cost me $99 and I didn't even come away from it with a prescription slip.

[Once an Addict, Still an Addict]

"you will eventually get to the 'needing to quit' point whether it is now or later on"

InRecovery, I just had to jump in and comment on this one because you just nailed my number one reason for quitting.

ADDICTION IS AN UNSUSTAINABLE DISEASE!

Sure, we can trade adderall for ritalin and then ritalin for cocaine and then cocaine for meth but the bottom line is that we are addicted to the way stimulants make us feel. Trading one for another simply delays the perceived need to quit, unless the addict is determined to persue their addiction all the way to their grave, and those who choose that path will have a miserable existence leading to an early demise.

[Appreciation, my plan, etc.]

Go for it, Dagny!! This is a hard time of the year to be without adderall, but when you are ready to quit you need to quit. All you really need are these four things: Determination to quit and stay quit, patience to endure the recovery period, nutritional and energy supplements, and this web site. Good Luck.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

From your post of 11/11/11, I would like to make the following comment:

More than once, you have expressed concern that you could "suddenly dedide that it would be OK to take adderall again". That line of thinking has lead you to historical relapses. I suggest that you are now beyond that vulnerability, as evidenced by your refusal to accept another stimulant medication recently offered by your doctor. That is one doctor you can do without. I can't believe that she would even consider giving you another psycho-stim if you told her of your struggle with addiction to these things for the last twelve years.

I don't know you very well, but I assume you wouldn't suddenly decide to shoplift merchandise from a store just because you thought you could get away with it, or suddenly decide it was OK to rape somebody just because you got horny, or suddenly decide to drive hours to a casino just because you had a few extra bucks in your pocket.

My point is that you already have the self control skills and intelligence to keep yourself from doing dumb and harmful things to yourself or others. Use those same skills whenever you get the urge to relapse.

[my weight]

Since quitting addies and ciggies, I have become a chunky chubby rolly-polley Fatbastard...with a spare tire. I am about 15 lbs fatter than when I quit last spring and about 30 lbs fatter than when addies worked their best for me. I look in the mirror and think "what a fat bastard you've become" but in photos my body lines are still mostly vertical. My fitness goals last spring were to quit addies and ciggies, get more excercise, eat better, and loose weight. I knew that last one wasn't realistic at the time but I had to try. Best I could do was to keep the weight gain minimal, I guess.

Weight gain is a natural part of the quitting and recovery process. Looking back on the addiction, it was when the addies quit helping me stay trim and fit-looking (without any extra effort) that signaled the end of the honeymoon phase. I believe that being able achieve to maintain a body weight somewhat less than when I quit addies/ciggies will signal the end of my recovery phase of this horrible addiction. It'll probbably be sometime next summer.

One more thought, Krislove, is that if you have quit taking adderall for insurance (money)reasons rather than for your your own future, health and well-being, you really aren't done taking this drug yet for very the last time.

[Experience with Wellbutrin?]

I have no experience with wellbutrin or any other antidepressant drug but I do have an opinion, for what it's worth. You have invested the last five months kicking the influence of a heavy and addictive pharmaceutical - adderall. So have I. I have become increasingly anti-pharma for anything that is not a dire health situation. At some point, we all will need to take an antibiotic, blood pressure pill or something like that. But not the psyche drugs. There are other ways to combat depression, and until you have exhausted all the nutritional, lifestyle, and psychotherapy options which can combat depression you really don't need to go hide behind another pill just yet. Got a regular excercise program? Are you eating a healthy well balanced diet which minimizes processed foods? Tried fish oil or omega 3 supplements? How about the amino acids tyrosine or phenylalanine? Vitamin D? Got a hobby?

This is the time of the year when seasonal depression can affect almost everybody at some level. I think it is as simple as lack of light - the days are short and it is more cloudy in the winter time. Bright indoor lighting that features blue hues can really boost the mood.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

InRecovery:

Congrats for achieving one full year free from the influence of adderall and all other similar drugs.

It's kinda like a happy birthday wish. The future is yours again.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

It sems like your physical withdrawls have lasted longer than you deserve to experience that kind of pain. Maybe there could be something else in your home environment that mimics feelings of adderall withdrawl? Specifically I am thinking of hidden mold or EMF concerns (i.e. radiation or high voltage power lines nearby). Have you gotten out of your home for more than a few days to see if you feel any different? And what about eating healthy wholesome foods and a balanced diet?

That long and horrible post-quitting depression you referred to is something almost everybody who quits, then blogs about it, has in common. When I was planning my quitting strategy last year, I came to expect and anticipate "the worst" regarding post-quitting depression. That is why I needed to plan my quit in the spring so the effects of seasonal depression would not combine with post-quitting depression. As it turns out, my period of post-quitting depression lasted only a few weeks after I quit addies and ciggies. And there was no seasonal depression for me in June Hell, I was even on Chantix and didn't have suicidal thoughts. And it hasn't retutrned...well, you know we all have a bad day every so often but the prolonged depression hasn't returned. I still dose up on l-Tyrosine whenever I feel like my mood needs a boost.

I have never considered joining NA. It wouldn't or couldn't be very anomanous for me because I live in a smaller town and I have a high profile job. So this web site is my NA and it is an essential tool in helping me forever quit adderall. THANKS, MIKE, FOR CREATING AND MAINTAINING THIS WEB SITE. And thanks to you, InRecovery, for helping to keep this discussion thread going. it is really helping me to get through this phase of MyRecovery.

I realize that I have been really, really lucky not to experience prolonged withdrawl and depression feelings during my recovery and I am greatful for that. But I am sill very much in the recovery stage of this addiction experience. If I were ever to relapse, the laws of Karma would ensure a longer and harsher withdrawl during the subsequent quit & recovery - so that is just one more reason to.....quit once.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

"...just a horrible existence..."

Exactly how i felt too, and I believe the word "existence" describes it more accurately than "life". Seems like we traded our lives for an existence when life is controlled by an addiction.

The night sweats only happened when I using adderall + lorazapam. There was a point where I used both of those drugs on the weekends, and then cold-turkeyed off them during the week days. Talk about withdrawls! For the longest time I refused to acknowledge the reason I felt so shitty during the week was because I was abusing adderall and lorazapam on the weekends. Some kind of hubris on my part, like..."I am not addicted because I can just quit during the week and only use them on the weekends. Since I am not an addict, how could I possibly have withdrawls?" total denial. That was indeed a rough existence.

I read your response to Enigmatic Belle's post last week. The one where you stop the "user" line of thinking, acknowledge you are an addict and that it is the disease speaking, not your real self. WOW. I have studied and memorized your words in that post because it is such a usefull tool to have avaialable when temptation rears its ugly head. Did you learn that from NA meetings, a counselor or come up with it on your own? I believe that we have to constantly purge those thoughts of adderall use and just look forward. A year ago, my life was defined by adderall - getting them, using them, and trying to function normally. It sure is a lot easier and less stressful just to function (and who cares if it is normal?) without the addiction monkey on my back. Life off adderall really isn't so different than life on adderall except that on adderall, EVERYTHING is amped up! My future seemed shrouded in uncertainty on adderall. Now I have quit it is easier to look forward and make plans and get excited again about my future.

I am uncomfortable with the fact that even though it's been 150 days since my last pill, I STILL think about the shit all the fucking time! Not craving it, or scheming how to get some, but comparing my life to a year ago when I was a slave to the drug and its lifestyle. Only one of those horrible dreams so far. Maybe I am just trying to re-enforce my new lifestyle unencumbered by any addiction, which BTW, I wouldn't trade for anything!

[How I quit Adderall]

I need to update my original post.

Last weekend, I divested of all my stashed adderall pills. My best friend (gladly) helped me out with the disposal. Since I put prescription bottles in the lock box with my name still on them, I couldn't just throw it away or dump it somewhere. So he brought along a sawzall with several blades, a drill and a breaker bar. Still took him about a half hour to break into that lock box. I didn't think I even wanted to see them, but I had to take one last look at that beautiful assortment of blue and orange footballs.

I can't even begin to describe the range of emotions I felt on Sunday after the box was breeched and the pills were gone forever. I felt grief - like I had just lost something that was irreplacable. I felt jealousy because I knew my friend would be going on one hell of an addie bender for many days with my stash. I felt relief because I knew they would no longer tempt me - and that I could really, really move on with my life knowing that no matter how bad I might think I need or want them, the easy access to them was gone forever. I felt gratitude to my friend for helping me dispose of them. I felt like I had neglected my other addie friend, who was currently out of adderall. He introduced me to adderall ten years ago. But he showed up before by best friend left and pills were shared so it made his day too.

I am greatful for having these guys as my friends, and even though they are still heavy adderall users, they have been incredibly supportive of my effort to quit and my resolve to stay quit. It will be 150 days November 3.

As painful and prolonged as this process seems to be taking, I am glad that I have only had to quit once.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

Ritalin has been around for a long time. When I was a teenager, I found an old bottle of ritalin in my mom's medicine cabinet. I think it was written in 1971, about ten years before I found it. The dosing instructions on the bottle said: "take one pill in the morning or as needed for energy". So I stole a a few pills and tried it. I soon realized that I had found my favorite drug of choice. There were only a dozen or so pills in the bottle so I only tried it a few times but it was enough to know that I really, really liked speed. I wasn't ever able to get my hands on more ritalin until about 15 years later and even then not that much.

I just about lost my coffee when I read how you "lost it" and got fired. Sounds like something right out of a TV sit-com, and I bet it was the kind of incident shere everybody in the office went home and said "you wouldn't believe what happened at work today" over the dinner table. I hope you can laugh about it now. How did you loose control of your perscription bottle?

Last night I had "the dream" for the first time, and it was terrifying. It woke me up at 2:30 in a major panic that I had just fucked up almost five months of recovery. The funny thing about that dream was that I took a half of a pill for a social buzz with my best friend, but within minutes, I took the other half of a pill and was considering taking more. Then I woke up. Right after I quit, I had dreams where I found some pills and was worried that I might take them, but this was the first time I actually did the deeed. Reminds me of some similar-themed dreams I had during some of my many attempts to quit ciggies. You said you are still having those dreams...when did they start occuring during your recovery?

[How I quit Adderall]

Freedom, I need to respond to your comment on eating and food. During the first stages of my recovery, I couldn't believe (or accept) the incredible amount of TIME I spent preparing and eating meals. I just couldn't believe that four hours or so after eating lunch, I was hungry again for supper. I actually enjoyed cooking and eating breakfast again. I am a really slow eater, and it really does take me about one and a half hours to prepare, cook, eat, and clean up after a meal. Three times a day and it seemed like my life revolved around meals. I have finally been able to kick breakfast and eat quicker less healthy meals, but I hope to eat better again this winter. I know how you feel when you said that you really didn't want to take time away from projects just for eating when another pill would usually solve the hunger problem.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

I am a poor liar, so the only way I could convince a doctor I had ADD was to convince myself first. That took a lot of re-enforcement on my part to constantly tell myself that I had ADD and needed treatment. I don't doubt the disorder really does exist and that adderall helps people or children with severe ADD. The ONLY two approved medical uses for the drug are SEVERE ADD and narcolepsy. At this point, I am really glad that all that time on adderall didn't cause a permanant change in my brain to make it ADD-like. I was never much of a space case until I took adderall, and especially in between addie binges.

Meth seemed like such a dirty, toxic drug to me that I had a hard time accepting that meth was simply adderall's sinister sister. I have addie friends that are still in denial about this. Obviously you have accepted it as the truth and so do I. In fact, I ventured onto some quitting meth web site last week to read their forums. One very interesting topic was this question that somebody posted: "What would you do if you found some meth or if it was offered to you by somebody you knew?" There were at least ten responses. Many of them had already been in one of those situations. Every single response said they would dispose of it if they found it, and get really angry at anybody who offered it to them. One guy said he found some meth on the street and later gave it to his counselor to dispose of for him.

What does it mean to be an "unfunctioning addict"?

Also, you used the letters BTW in one of your posts, and I have seen it in other posts too. What does BTW mean?

[How I quit Adderall]

It is hard to know where to begin a post like this and I have decided to begin at the end. The end of a time in my life defined by ten years of adderall use and abuse. Those ten years and my lifetime experiences with stimulants leading up to my adderall addiction will be told in a seperate story.....so stay tuned for that. This story is about HOW I beat the adderall addiction. First a little personal background: I am a 48 year old male who lives in the Intermountain West, and I live in the mountains. I prefer to live a solitary, monk-like existence without a significant other.

About a year ago I experienced the deaths of three significant people in my life within the span of a month. A Friend. My Mother. A Best Friend. I spoke at each one of their memorial services. I had been planning to quit adderall but it was always some elusive event that I couldn't put on the calander. With my mother's passing, my role in life was changing from the dedicated son and primary care-giver to just me - and my dog, my house, my job, etc.

Depression is one of the best known side effects of going off adderall. A year ago, I realized that it would take some time; I didn't know how long, to deal with and recover from my personal losses. Adderall and cigarettes have tremendous emotional numbing properties and I believe they were both very useful in helping me to process my losses. Or at least delay some of the grief and depression. I am also affected by seasonal affective disorder and I get depressed easier during the dark time of the year - fall and winter. Quitting in the spring would also minimize the anticipated weight gain because summer is a more active time of the year for me. I knew that quitting adderall would have to wait until the spring. And quitting ciggarettes would have to wait until I quit adderall. Cigarettes and adderrall abuse are somehow linked. I researched different ADD forums regarding the long term affects of adderall, and quitting - that is how I stumbled onto this web site. I printed and studied several forum discussions and learned that what I was about to undertake was nothing short of life's biggest challenge - defeating addiction. I also learned that relapse was a common thread of most people who tried to quit. I made a vow to myself that I would quit once and only once. I read two books that I would recommend: Unchain Your Brain; and Food and Mood. I told my two addie buddies that I was planning to quit and they were supportive. They said it took a lot of courage for me to tell them. I also told my doctor that I wanted to quit but he wasn't much help. My window of quitting was now defined: sometime between the spring equinox and the summer solstice. I just needed to find a time when my job would be less demanding for 2-3 weeks.

There is a special place where I go in the mountains to solve my personal problems. So I planned a four day weekend to achieve the quit. I took enough pills with me for one last addie blast but the day was unremarkable and my last dance with adderall was anticlimatic. I burned my last pill in the campfire at midnight on June 3. I created a quit adderall shrine with this burnt glob of black tar melted onto a rock. I still look at it every day. After the residual energy wore off the next day I went into withdrawls for three days. I also burned my ciggarettes in the fire that night. Big mistake. Addie withdrawls and ciggies need each other. I went back on the ciggs as soon as I came out of the mountains, but eventually quit them about a month later. I had to take one extra day off work but I was able to function again by day 4.

One more chapter to my story and this is where it gets kind of wierd. I....am....a hoarder. An adderallhoarder. There - I said it and now I feel better. I don't hoard other things - just pills. Being a dedicated adderall addict, I had to ensure an adequate supply because running out was simply not an option. I bought as many as I could whenever I could get them, and somehow didn't gobble them all up before I quit. So I stashed them...lots of them. But I had to lock them up to avoid temptation. I bought a key-safe, locked the pills inside, then locked both keys in a bank vault (safe deposit box). So far that has kept me away from them, but I am confused about why I still have them and what to do with them. I have been off adderall for about 150 days now and have no plans for EVER returning to that awful addiction.

One more thing: I believe that a balanced diet with good nutrition and limited sugar intake helped me to recover better. The supplements I took also made for a better recovery: l-Tyrosine, fish oil capsules, and a good multivitamin. Whenever I feel the need for speed, I consume lots of caffiene, red bull, five hour energy, and any other herbal supplement that purports to energize. I also took chantix for about five weeks after quitting adderall and now I am tobacco free too. Each day is better than the day before in recovery, and I know that eventually I won't constantly think about adderall after I have fully recoverd. Recovery could take me longer than a year and if it does, so be it. I will be an active member of this web site until I don't need it any more and when I no longer think about adderall. We take pills for a quick and easy fix for life's problems. Isn't it ironic that there is no pill to speed (no pun intended) up the recovery process from (pill) addiction? The only thing that works is continious time away from your drug(s) of choice. It is great to be free!

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

I am going to add a few more specific experiences of physical side effects and expand on a couple of things noted by InRecovery. During periods of withdrawl, I would wake up in the middle of the night - most of the time it was exactly ten to four- and have a full-blown cold sweating experience. That combined with the muscle and joint pain, especially in my back, was enough to get me out of bed and go sit in a chair and watch TV. So I was sleep deprived while on them as well as when I was in withdrawls. The night sweats made me think of women in menopause and now I am very sympathetic to all of you women who have endured menopause. I believe the night sweats were a hormonal imbalance - possibly thyroid-related. I just had a blood test done at a health fair and learned my thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH) levels were about twice as high when I was using adderall.

Another thing I learned from that blood test was that I have a vitamin D deficiency, almost five months after quitting adderall. Not sure if the vitamin D deficit and adderall use is related because this was the first time I checked my Vit D levels, but I wonder if that is why adderall is so hard on bones and teeth? I should not be Vit D deficient considering the amount of sunshine I saw last summer and my fairly well-balanced diet. If anything, I expected the opposite because I had also taken Vit D supplements a few times. Also I am not sure if a vitamin deficit could linger five months after quitting adderall. Does anybody have some insight on the relationship between Vitamin D and taking adderall at abusive doses?

InRecovery noted visual halucinations at high dosages. I had auditory halucinations. There were times I heard what sounded like a lawn mower running at full throttle - for hours at a time in places where there were no neighbors or lawnmowers around. There were times that the ringing/buzzing in my ears was really annoying. I still have mild ear ringing (tenitis) now but only when I overdo it on coffee or energy supplements. Or after target shooting my hand guns while wearing lousy ear plugs.

I am not done yet detailing my experience in Adderall Hell, so will continue with another post at a later date, or I guess I could just edit this one.

One last question: How do you get the editor and spell checker to work on this web site?

[How to deal with Friends on Addys When You Quit]

How long has it been since you quit?

Let him know that you still value the friendship but it would really piss you off if he EVER offered you a pill.

If your friendship is based mostly on doing adderall (addie buddies) you will likely find that there is not much else in common. And the friendship will end.

If it is a friendship with more in common than tweaking together, it will survive you quitting and him using. Either way, you will likely want to spend less time together until you have recovered from quitting.

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

Holy Shit!!! You were truly living in an adderall hell. Some of those side effects you listed I have never heard of from any drug. And I have no doubt that adderall was the culprit because I believe it can be incredibly toxic when taken at abusive doses. I haven't known anybody who has gone to the hospital for side affects / overdose symptoms. I am surprised they didn't cut you off, but then I also know if there is a will there is a way to get your hands on more pills. I have a friend who still takes adderall and he has had skin problems - hives and also these strange localized skin infections - that he can't seem to get rid of. But he does not want to believe it is caused by the adderall. I keep reminding him about the crankbug infestations that afflict most dedicated meth heads.

I can share some of your side effects you experienced: 1) the sudden jerks or movements right before falling asleep 2) blurry vision, especially later in the evening 3) the intense anxiety and lack of self confidence like I knew that I was fucking up everything I touched 4) the pills also took care of most of my alllergies, except when I had an adderall allergic reaction in my sinuses. It only happened when I toook too much, and maybe that one thing kept me from being a hyper-abuser. It would begin with uncontrolable sneezing that would last for maybe a half hour to an hour. Then my nose would start to run a steady stream for several hours and there was no way to stop it. Sometimes the nose thing would last into the next day. Than there were the tears of fire. My eyes would start to run like my nose did, and the tears must have had a pH imbalance because they just burned my eyeballs and the only way to relieve the pain was to keep my eyes closed. It happened one time when I was driving and I had to close one eye at a time just to make it home. The allergy thing only happened when I would take over 120 mg in a day so that may be what kept me from hyper-abusing on a regular basis.

I never had blood pressure issues but I was really surprised what it did to heart rate. My normal pulse rate while abusing adderall was between 110 and 120 beats per minute. It is exactly half of that now. That was one of my big factors for quitting. It is like driving a car in third gear all of the time when you have a five speed transmission. Eventually, and sooner than later, you will blow the motor or the tranny if you keep running the vehicle at high RPMs. I still need my heart and my brain to work well for several more years, and I can do without a heart attack or a stroke.

How is it that addiction can blind a person to forego all common sense solutions to their health problems (i.e.quitting) just so they can further pursue their addiction? I assume it is that way with any addictive substance, not just adderall. In fact, I have also experienced it with tobacco.

I have a lot of thoughts about quitting adderall, but unless those thoughts are spoken and/or written, they won't stay with me long enough to make a permanant change. This forum is about the only way I know of to express those thoughts to others whom it matters and it can potentially make a difference in somebody's life. A lot more bang for the buck than paying a shrink to listen and nod their head.