Today is day 4 off adderall for me. First 3 days were not pleasant, but not horrific either. Today is my first day back at work without it and WOAH time is dragging by. My job seems so incredibly boring and unbearable. (It may be important to note that I have a 9-5 office job. I spend most of my days paper-pushing, but I do have moderate interaction with coworkers during the day.) I had a Pepsi Max this morning...it hasn't touched the fatigue I'm feeling. I left my bottle of adderall at home today to avoid the temptation. Now all I want to do is run home on my lunch break and grab it. Oh, and to make things worse, I just found half of a 20mg tab in my desk. Geez. I spend more time and energy at my job than anywhere else. So why not continue to make that time more bearable? Right now I feel like taking the Adderall is the best option.
If you're wondering why I quit in the first place, here's a brief summary:
After being off and on adderall intermittently through college, I began taking it again 6 months ago, at age 26. While making me EXTREMELY productive at work, it has caused severe depression, social isolation, sleeplessness, anger unlike I've ever felt before, and an overall feeling of diminishing health. I've felt like a robot lately. My relaionship of 3 years has not always been the best, but on adderall it has become much much worse. I am constantly lashing out- not that I don't FEEL like lashing out on the inside, but usually I am able to control it and not ACT on my feelings. This is not the me that people are used to. Last week during my performance review at work I felt an overwhelming urge to punch my boss in the face. Yikes! Again, this is NOT who I am, and fortunately I didn't act on it. But wow, that is just unacceptable!
I believe part of my problem, regardless of adderall consumption, is constantly seeking the approval of others. I do this at work, in relationships, and with my family. And it dictates my mood and how I feel about myself. I have been this way all of my life. I have to break free from that habit. I AM IN CONTROL of my own happiness.
In the meantime, I continue to toy with the idea of taking the adderall tablet I found in my desk, just to get through the day. Ahhh....
