liv21

Hi, I started taking adderall when I was fourteen. I got a prescription from my doc... but I was never diagnosed with ADD until this past summer (I am seventeen now) in order to register for extra time on the SAT. Anyways, after reading Tim's insightful commentary about the distinction between "stimulating" and "over-stimulating" I have come to the realization that I, like the rest of us, fall under the "over-stimulated" category. I am the daughter of two successful parents who put great pressure on me to succeed (sound familiar?) and my B+s in middle school, along with noted "impulsivity" and "distractibility" (please... find me a 13 year old girl who ISN'T impulsive or distractible) were not pleasing to them. And so I was introduced into the world of little blue pills. I am embarrassed to admit that I have a history of substance abuse of both alcohol and benzos, and I felt my, as shrinks like to coin it "addictive thought patterns" kick in the second I started taking adderall. Here is my problem: The straight As which I have now become used to earning seem to be the product of the adderall not me. In fact, I am totally depressed, I can't get out of bed, have zero motivation when I am not on them. But I always need to take double or triple my dose in order to actually write a paper. Although I was in denial for a year, I now see that I have become dependent on them. My roommate is starting to get really pissed at me for snorting them at night; I lie to my doctor, I lie to my family, I lie to my friends, and I hate myself for my lies. To my disgust, I am very manipulative, and easily control what my dosage is. When I first took them I felt like I was on top of the fucking world; I could have walked up to Obama and had an hour long talk with him about his policies and been quite confident. I didn't know that the intense euphoria was not normal, quite naive I know. But now, the "up" as I like to call it, has gone from amazing, to productive, to causing aches and pains and feeling shitty 24'7 unless I am on them. I weighed 114 lbs. when I was 14, now I turn 18 in a month and weigh 100 lbs. If I thought I had minor problems with focus and motivation before, my problems now when off the pill seem to have been multiplied by 10... it is like I have a cloud over my brain, thinking takes "too much energy" I can't fucking remember anything, I eat non-stop. Last year I would have told you the grades/ college I will get in to will make it all worth it. But now... I'm sick of blue boogers haha. But really, I want to feel healthy, get sleep, eat, and be happy without speed. But me minus speed is.... a zombie. Part of me wants to quit, but part of me is horrified to. Am I addicted? sorry for the long post, procrastinating on an economics paper -Liv