iheartme

No longer manic, random thoughts flying everywhere, making a zillion connections from idea to idea... Hi, this made me laugh. You think back and go....'DID I REALLY ACT LIKE THAT?" WAS THAT ME? I seriously was emailing my boss at like 3am and telling him ALL the AMAZING IDEAS i had, and I called my work my EMPIRE, that i was going to take over, and build this massive clientele. I am a massage therapist and work for a very well known health club attached to the best HealthCare in my state. I was serious, i had a GAZILLION ideas just POURING out!!! I am adderall free for 17 days now. It has been hell! I say this must be what solitary confinement feels like for prisoners cause thats what it felt like the first few days. OH GOSH!! JUST HELL!!! Just getting out of my bed was a chore and going to the bathroom. It was crazy, i have a LONG way to go, but i know i will make it, i failed a few times at trying to quit but i know it WAS TIME! PARANOID stopped calling friends, thought everyone could tell my home was the only safe place on my computer for 7-8 hours trying to do GOD KNOWS WHAT, fix something or the other. researching as many possible things i could online. a 711 donut for breakfast with a cold starbucks coffee in the bottle and dinner was usually something SOUP related like CUP-o-SOUP, and my dinner was usually at 6am. and breakfast was around 1pm or 2pm. thats what my diet consisted of FORCING YOURSELF TO EAT INFRONT OF OTHERS, telling them how starving you are. (knowing that you are not) even if you tried to eat, you could forget about even enjoying it! The taste was gone. REALIZING YOU ARE BRILLIANT.. cause you have these ideas. But now i feel like i REALLY am smart, smarter than adderall ever gave me. Umm, my apartment was a filthy mess, did not care about dishes or laundry all over. Woke up and hopped on the computer. WAY WAY WAY OVERLY SENSITIVE WHEN I WAS DATING!! OF course none of my relationships lasted during my use and abuse. It goes on and on.. each time you get past a craving, you feel even BETTER. EMPOWERED!! The worst part still for me is waking up! Or just get moving. I make sure i have all of my amino acids ready and my whey protein and my boiled eggs and my wellbutrin. I bought a box of those little ginko nasty things. Then i drink coffee. So, i get going. My energy kicks in at night. It was weird, just the other night i was dosing off at my computer at about midnight. I could hardly stay awake, so i got in bed! WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING THAT WAS!! TO ACTUALLY DOSE OFF TO SLEEP!!!! ANyway, this is the place for me too!!!