Whittering

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Everything posted by Whittering

  1. About to Relapse! Help!

    Talk me out of this someone please! I'm starting to think it really wasn't that bad! I mean it wasn't. I can control it this time. Everything wasn't really as bad as I made it out to be. The only thing keeping me from it is reading about the two month exhaustion but I really didn't have that did I? I think I've rationalized that I can get back on it and be ok. I wasn't taking that much to begin with. I was fooling myself saying it turned me into a bitch. What I've found out at around the three month mark, is that I am a bitch, with or without it. So that problem is solved. It wasn't turning me into something I wasn't. I thought it made me antisocial. Nope I still don't like those people. I don't need it for work. Work is fine without it. It's all the other crap. My laundry never gets done any more. I don't get things fixed at home, rather I walk around them stepping over them. I'm too lazy to do anything with my kids. Before I was too busy for them. If I just turn that Addy energy towards them and not use it for work, everything will be fine..... ..... save me from myself.
  2. RRRRRRECOVERY

    Hmmm, I came back here to determine a timeline to figure out where I was and what I was doing when some things happened to my daughter that I was not aware of until now. I just read this. I've been off adderall since December 29, 2011, but took one pill the other day to clean my closet that needed to get cleaned. It made me feel so crappy and rushed, and anxious, and nervous, that I will not take one again. I'm glad you are still here, Quit-once, helping everyone. My husband finally got off the Adderall and returned to the sweet loving person I knew he was. I sometimes get nervous when he does laundry because that was always the tell-tale sign he was on Adderall. He would do all the laundry in one night and fold it and put it away. I do miss that. One of my teenagers was complaining the other day whining "why doesn't daddy every do laundry anymore?" If she only knew.....
  3. Hi I'm brand new here and trying to quit a drug I don't think I was ever supposed to be on. I have a high stress job that I've had for 22 years. I've been on Well Butrin for ten years because of depression. I seemed fine until we moved in 2005. I was so stressed all the time and always tired and asked my doctor what could be wrong. He said I was probably so stressed out at work because I have adult-onset ADD. He explained that I was stressed because I was trying to do too much and didn't have enough time and it was causing me to worry and get agitated. I travel a lot and had a husband and two kids at that time ages 4 and 6. He prescribed Adderall and told me I would have more energy and be more motivated to get things done which would produce less stress. I liked the weight loss I got with Adderall and was able to excel at work. However my social life was not so good. I worked ALL the time either at work or at home and never took time to relax and enjoy anything. Friends were dropping away and I wasn't getting invited to things any more. Then about a year ago I noticed I was getting very irritated with my kids all the time over meaningless stuff and realized what a horrible demanding, no-fun mom I had become. I went off the Adderall and became so weak and depressed that I got back on. About a year later on September 1, 2011 I went cold turkey off Adderall and Well-butrin and knowing I'd have withdrawals took three weeks off and slept it all off. (I realize now looking back I should have gone off only one at a time, but I was sick of being medicated). Anyway, I had won prestigious awards at my company before I was put on Adderall (as well as after) and so I assumed that I would be ok not being on it. But I found I could not concentrate at all at work. I was so disorganized and for the first time ever was turning things in late. My reputation at work is so high that people have overlooked my discrepancies, but I totally don't care about anything any more. I'm not stressed about it. I just don't care. I gained 25 pounds of course, but have also been more social and have done more outings with friends and family. I didn't even realize this until my husband pointed it out to me. I had parties I was giving again at my house which I had ceased doing while on Adderall. However I was still tired all the time and sleeping alot. Anyway I was called in to do a big job that my company was counting on me to do just last month, and so on November 28th I started back on but it was the XR this time. I feel trapped like I can't work without it. I had always asked my doctor about long term side effects. It is an amphetamine, right? He said not to worry, no documented long term side effects. I've read some blogs now saying coming off it takes up to three years to get your brain back to normal? And that because I've taken it so long my brain chemistry has changed. Is that true? I don't want to be on this any more!! Someone please help me. I didn't have ADD as a kid. Is this adult onset ADD really a diagnosis? Has Adderall changed my brain? I was working fine without it for 15 years! Please respond if you know anything about returning to a normal life after adderall and if its even possible.
  4. I've been off Adderall now for 313 days. I'm completely back to normal, loving life, I have a new job, work from home, everything is good. My husband, on the other hand, has been increasing his dosage considerably and is taking 120 mg per day. He's gotten completely out of hand, angry all the time, barking orders, working constantly till 3 and 4 o'clock in the morning and then goes to work at 8:30. He is not a fun dad for the kids to be around. He gets mad everytime I would try to broach the "Adderall" subject with him. He told me back in the spring he would start tapering off and be completely done with it by the end of summer. In August I started counting his pills and figured out he had actually upped his dosage. He yelled at my daughter and made her cry over something stupid (Cardinals lost) and I decided to take matters into my own hands. So on October 22 I took his whole bottle of pills. He was so pissed and stormed around here for a week slamming doors and not talking to me. He even moved into the game room. Actually I would have given him his pills back (probably) if he had come and talked with me the first day I took them. I was trying to really just get his attention. But I've been talking to this friend of mine who said don't give them back under any circumstances. My husband and I finally talked last night. I told him I just wanted my husband back. He said he's going to lose his job. I said maybe it would be the best thing for you. I told him we tried his way and it didn't work. I told him we couldn't go back to the Adderall hell we were living in while he was on it. He said he couldn't just go cold turkey and I told him that was a hard limit for me. It was Adderall or me and the kids. Now I'm thinking I've been listening and taking advise from someone (my friend) who knows aboslutely nothing about adderall and maybe I should give him some back to taper off. I don't want him to lose his job. He's been off it 16 days now. Any advice?
  5. Made a bold move. Need advice.

    Thanks guys. I went cold turkey back in December and used L-Tyrosine to help get me off. I have offered these to him and to date he's not taken them but agreed to start if I thought that would help. He's not getting any Adderall right now I know, because I can tell he's going through withdrawals, sleeping all the time and late for work and not going to work. Plus his old personality is starting to resurface when he is awake. He's playful with the kids and we're having good conversations again. He's more relaxed and back to being his former self - the one I married. I already have an appointment with a marriage counselor next Monday. He does not want to go with me. As you said Ashley, he thinks it will all be about bashing him for being an Adderall addict. I don't believe he would get fired. He's too valuable to his company and they should cut him some slack. He doesn't believe me when I tell him how horrible he is on Adderall. He has no empathy and is angry all the time. The girls are literally scared to ask him anything or talk to him. He told me if it's really as bad as I'm saying it is,he doesn't want to be on it but I'm just scared the addiction part is going to win out. I asked him if he was going to get his pills refilled and he said he'd have to get back with me on it, which to me meant yes. So I have a hard decision to make. Falcon and Cassie, thanks for your comments. I've decided I'm not giving them back. 16 days sober and starting to see glimmers of my old husband back is giving me some hope. But you are right Sky, he's got to want to be clean. I don't know if he wants it bad enough. Maybe us leaving will be his rock bottom. Maybe he has to lose it all to figure out what's important. He is trying to manipulate me to get some just to get by at work. If I give in though, he will never get off them. I would become an enabler. I just have to keep coming back to this site and hear back from my support group (which is you guys) that I'm doing the right thing. I think taking them away got his attention, but you are right, he can get back on them anytime he wants, especially when his prescription is back up. God, this is going to be a long road to tow. Please pray for me.
  6. Guess which picture I was on Adderall in!??!

    I look ten times better in my Adderall pictures.
  7. Help!? I've grown Deaf!

    Freedom's wings, I write long reports at work that are read by many different audiences. I found it very difficult in the beginning to make what I was writing make sense. It was like I was writing garbly goo and I was terrified of losing my job. It was because my brain couldn't focus enough to analyze the data and then record it on paper in a sensible format. Now I'm not really having that problem at all anymore. It's more of a motivation issue. I can do the analyzing and the writing and produce a good product. I just don't want to do it anymore. I think my ambition has overtaken my work. I think a job change probably should have and normally would have happened several years ago, but in a drug-induced, product churning mindset, you lose your life's ambitions over to mindless, project oriented drone work. With music however I don't know. I don't feel like I've lost my rhythm by any means. I think it's just the drug working itself out of your system still. It will come back. It will just take some time. I was amazed at how much my work life got back to normal faster than my family life did. Still working on the family life, weight issue, energy issue, and motivation issue. However work is better because I'm not as stressed about it as I once was and I don't spend all my time making it perfect anymore. And I still get A's from my higher-ups on my work product. Hope this helps, Whittering
  8. About to Relapse! Help!

    Thanks everybody, Every time I start thinking of taking the little evil monster pill because my brain starts thinking it wasn't so bad, I come back to this site. I read all my posts from day one and what each of you have written to me since then and decide all over again not to take it. Sometimes I pick up things that I've missed before. Sometimes I find things you posted that I never got to read. And then I read all about the newbies who have joined since I last signed on. I was thinking this time of signing off and deleting my membership and just taking the dam pill again. Life would be easier...... or would it? No, my life is better now. I am more myself now than ever. Then I counted up my days off Adderall. 180 days tomorrow. I think I told somebody here that I could take one and it would be ok, not like I'm addicted or anything now. But after 180 days, it's become a matter of principle. Can I do it? Just returned from a cruise with the family today and was without my laptop or phone for 12 days. It was relaxing but now getting ready to go back to the real world. It's just such a chore without the Adderall. (plus all the stupid nonstop eating that goes on during those cruises). I want my Adderall addicted weight back!!!! Again, I will persevere. I will go on. I will prevail. But of course, it is largely due to this website. Thanks again people, for showing me the tricks my brain continues to play on me. Thanks for continuing to remind me why I don't want to go back to that life if even for a day. God bless each and every single one of you.......
  9. RRRRRRECOVERY

    Quit once, Thanks, I needed that. Tomorrow marks 180 days with no Adderall. Anyone want to celebrate?
  10. Cassie, what do you know of 5 HTP? I've seen several people on here are taking it and I've not used any. I looked it up online and Web MD said it was potentially unsafe but didn't say why. I want to try it but wanted some more feedback on it first. It's got a B rating as a supplement so I'm guessing it's ok. I just haven't seen a website acknowledge before something being potentially unsafe and it kind of made me stop for a minute before I run out to GNC and buy it.
  11. Risky Rise of the Good Grade Pill

    I read it. It is a good article to show what we are becoming and turning our kids into. During the time I was on Adderall and not thinking anything was wrong with it, my daughter got diagnosed with ADD. The doctor prescribed Vyanese. She was in 7th grade and took it for maybe a week. She said she could focus better but didn't like how it made her feel. I didn't push it. This year she was in 8th grade and failing horribly. Even throughout all that, going to meet with the Teachers, doing extra credit, studying for hours only to get a D, I still wouldn't put her back on the Vyanese. She has such a great personality and is so full of life that I made the decision that I would rather have that person in my life with a D average than a robot with great grades. She's her without the drug. I don't know what she would be on it, but I suspect she would be the same as all of us. A medicated robot with good grades with tunnel vision and little personality. Reading the article though, made me think if she really has ADD maybe she should be on it. But reading posts here from adults who were on it as children and how they are trying to get off it, makes me think I made the right decision. I don't know. I still wonder.....
  12. Long term side effects of Adderall

    It's so great to come back here and read all your posts. Thanks guys for being here. I seem to be having a once a month relapse close call. 163 days today Addy free. Here I am again considering taking it. Forgetting all the bad stuff until I come back here and read it all again. Then I read the newer members' posts and think of what they are going through. I find myself weighing what was bad before with what is bad now. I'm not as responsible now. I liked being seen as a responsible person. I'm scared of losing respectability because of my "don't care" attitude I now have. Is that who I really am? So what made sense finally today was something Cassie or Elizabeth or Ashley said somewhere about it not being linear. You don't gradually get better and better. YOu have ups and downs, good days and bad days. That's me. I've been in the bed for the last two weeks, going what the hell??? I think my problem is that I was on an anti-depressant for 15 years and went off both Adderall and Well-Butrin at the same time. I've been considering over the last two weeks getting on the anti-depressant again, but I want to stay off it more than the Adderall. I think the anti-depressant changed my personality too. I'm not depressed, I just don't have any energy at all. I take a shower and I'm so exhausted I go lay back in the bed. My boss left town for two weeks and left me in charge. So I worked from home and got out of bed every day at 3:00. I've just now for the last two days started getting up and getting around. So Cassie, what the hell? I read somewhere that you have more energy and focus than when you were on Adderall? Plus you lost all your post-Addy weight? You sound like you are doing great. We quit at around the same time so I'm jealous. I was doing so well for so long and now I've gone downhill so fast. What am I doing differently from you? I'm taking SAMe, L-Tyrosine (500mg), Omega 3 fish oil, Vitamin D, and a multi-vitamin. I started meditating two days ago, (Cause I don't know how to do Yoga). I just do not have the energy to exercise. The only thing different is I got away from the Eat to Live diet I was on. I think that's the key to my loss of energy. I don't know. I keep going back and forth on should I get back on the medication or not. And if so, which one? Anti-depressant or Adderall. After reading all day all the posts on here, I think I will again say no to the adderall. I personally don't want to get on the anti-depressants because I'm not depressed. I'm very happy, I'm just very happy to sleep all day long in my bed for weeks on end. My kids are out of school going what's wrong? I'm wondering what's worse, a mom who is in bed all day or a mom who works all the time? What a horrible mother I've turned out to be. But when I have good days, my girls think I am the best mom ever. I'm funny, fun, and excellent when I have a good day, but haven't had many of those lately and just looking for answers. Those little moments of sunshine are what I live for. I want those good days so bad that I want to take Addy to get them, but then I know it will be short-lived and the Addy cycle will start again. I'm rambling but I needed to get it all out there. Thanks for letting me post.
  13. About to Relapse! Help!

    Sorry I'm not much of an inspiration Freedoms Wings. Because I'm dangerously close to a relapse! As bad as my life was on the Adderall, there are also drawbacks to being off it. I'm weighing now which was worse, being on it or being off it. I think my problems are worse now. The weight gain is getting me down too and I don't have the energy to exercise. Reading your story did however bring back memories of waking up and years having gone by. So actually you've inspired me to just wait another day and not take it today. Thank you.
  14. Long term side effects of Adderall

    Well, I was working on my resume' and had drank three cups of coffee and still no motivation. I decided one Adderall would do it and so after being off it for 151 days(4 1/2 months) I ransacked my house and found my hidden stash. I was standing over my bed with the bottle in one hand and one pill in the other. I went to put it in my mouth and all of a sudden my oldest daughter burst through my bedroom door and screams at me that my younger daughter just got hurt outside and is bleeding! I drop everything of course and rush outside. She was swimming and had fallen and ripped a whole toenail off her foot. Here I sit three hours later after all the drama has subsided wondering ......what if? Thanks, God for the much needed intervention, but what if tomorrow I don't have the motivation to do my resume? (( please don't hurt anybody else!!!!))) And now I'm having other issues.... I'm a mess. What to do? Quit once, are you out there?
  15. Long term side effects of Adderall

    Thanks Quit-once, Inrecovery,and Cassie. I feel totally ashamed! What happened to me? I was doing great the first 50 days and now I'm not? Isn't that backwards? I don't know where to go from here. I need energy. My focus at work is fine. My energy level is zero and I've put on 15 pounds. Food tastes so good now. Thanks for being there and making me read my own posts. I just had rationalized in my head it was a total overreaction and I could get back on it. I will take one day at a time and seek out other sources of energy to help me deal with my life after work. But the laundry really is getting bad....
  16. 2 months and depression/fatigue at it's worse

    Hi, my two month mark is today. My withdrawals have been much less severe than when I went off last time. One thing I did that you didn't mention is I took L-tyrosine and large doses of Omega 3. The L-tyrosine to me worked just like the Adderall. And I drink a lot of coffee now which I didn't really before. Hope this helps! And Good Luck!
  17. Does Nicotine Drive the Speed Train?

    Interesting! I don't smoke but my husband does. That's one thing I know he will go to his grave doing. He has no desire to quit and no amount of begging or cancer talks will ever make him quit. And my daughter won an anti-tobacco poster contest one time and was embarrassed because her daddy had to stay outside so he could smoke. He doesnt smoke in the house which is good and can go long periods of time without smoking. He overcame a cocaine habit in his early twenties and quit alcohol cold turkey for six months just to prove he could, but has always said to never ever try to convince him to stop smoking. It doesn't bother me any more, but it does my children because we've had a family member die of cancer. Maybe I'll ask him the poll questions and see what his answers are. Where is the article you read?
  18. Opinions needed

    Hi guys, I have a couple of questions for knowledgeable, experienced Adderall users. 1. What's the maximum dose a doctor can legally prescribe? My husband is getting 30mg 3 times a day. Is this too much? Last time I checked he was getting 30 mg twice a day. I was uncomfortable with that, but I noticed yesterday he had changed doctors and getting 90 pills per month. That seems high to me and explains a lot. 2. If he is unwilling yet to see what Adderall is doing to him, would it help or hinder the process if I dumped his pills down the toilet? I think I know the answer but I just dont think I will be able to convince him to stop. He won't come to this site. He hasn't been interested in any of the articles I have sent him on the subject. He's still in the mode I was in until recently that I can't live without it, and definitely can't work without it. We've both been superstars at work until I realized how bad it was affecting our family. I've been off six days and more determined than ever not to get back on. But I was only on 30mg a day. I had no idea until yesterday that he'd gone up in his dosage. Any advice or help on getting someone you love to see what a horrible drug this is? Neither of us ever had ADD as a child, but was prescribed it in our thirties. I went in asking about something to help me with my stress at work, hoping for some Xanax and was given Adderall from my OBGYN. My husband tried some and then went to his own doctor and got some. He's changed doctors three times since getting on it initially. With his personality I don't know if he'll ever be able to get off it. He has an extremely stressful job as an executive level employee with an asshole CEO who has impossible deadlines. My husband works nearly every night until 4:00 in the morning and goes in at 8am. I feel so helpless and just feel so sorry for my kids.
  19. Opinions needed

    Update: I finally talked to my husband about three weeks ago. He listened patiently to everything I said. I told him I wasn't judging him and what my doctor said about dosages that high perpetuating hypertension. I told him how great I felt and how I hadn't felt this good in twenty years and my concentration was back. He said " I hear you and I will definitely think about what all you've said." He said "I agree with you that it's an addiction and not healthy but it's something I'll have to work out on my own. You'll have to give me some time. " I guess that's a good response. I then left town for two weeks for work. And he's been out of the country for this last week with his work. So I'll hit him up again on how he's doing this weekend. That's not nagging, right?
  20. Long term side effects of Adderall

    Wow Elizabeth, how inspiring! Day 51 off Adderall. I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to not be a slave to that stupid little pill! I'm doing great at work and at home. Things are just as fast paced as they were when I was on Adderall, only I'm not fast paced and don't feel the pressure to be. If things aren't perfect, then that's ok. Don't get me wrong, there have been major stressors at work and home, but I was able to work through them without being medicated. I'm able to concentrate just fine now but don't have the urge to work, work, work all the time. In fact, I think I've had more passion for some of my ideas and recommendations at work because I've lost the robot mentality that Adderall gave me.
  21. I'm addicted

    Oh Luann, please continue to have faith and hold on. I've come back to this site from being away for over a month as my life has picked back up after being off Adderall for 51 days. Since being off Adderall and off Well Butrin for 5 and 1/2 months, I feel like I did in my early twenties before I started all the prescription drugs. I'd found that I had social phobia while on Adderall, but after getting off it, I'm so much more social and confident. I realize now it only gave me a sense of false bravado in the beginning and then once addicted I couldn't stop. Please let us know how you are doing. I know this site, and the people on it, helped me overcome the addiction. Now I feel perfectly well and back to my old self, the one that had to watch what I ate so I wouldn't gain weight. You can do it. God is faithful and true. Please don't give up! I'll pray for you daily!
  22. A month and a half clean

    Wow, I haven't been on here in a while. I need to update my status. But reading your last line made me want to respond. Unlike your experience, I am now ten times wittier than I used to be! It's the old me back! Not the Adderall user "all work no play" me that I was for 5 years. I quit December 30th. On Adderall, that might have seemed like yesterday. But off Adderall, that seems like a really long time ago now.
  23. This question is for everybody. Because I don't know when exactly I realized I had to get off this drug. I was on it for about five years and didn't realize anything was wrong until my sister-in-law said my brother had taken it and became anti-social. So he got off it. That was the first bad thing I'd heard. To me, I was taking the advice of my doctor on how to reduce stress. He said it wasn't addictive. I think I started realizing how it was affecting my husband first and then realized it was affecting me the same way. Irritable after work and snapping at everybody. Always in a hurry. Couldn't relax. Always put out that nobody else was working as hard as me. Then the next trigger occurred. My doctor was out of the office and I had to see the nurse practitioner and she didn't want to prescribe them. She did and told me I needed to see another doctor to make sure this was right for me. I was mad and thought she was all up in my business. I was in denial then. And that wasn't that long ago. Maybe 18 months ago. I don't know when the turning point was. I think it had to do with getting healthier and getting the toxins out of my system. Then realizing I didn't want to go to parties because I had to stay home so I could work on projects for my company and preferred that over parties. It sounded pretty rational then. I mean they WERE important projects. At the time. I guess it was gradual. I don't really know now. I'm trying to figure out what it took for me to make this big grandiose decision to get off Adderall and hopefully find clues on how to approach my husband about his addiction. What's it going to take to make him realize it's got to be done?
  24. Weight gain when quitting unavoidable?

    I got off in September and by November I had gained at least 25 pounds. I went back on Adderall November 28th but started the "eat to live" diet mid December. When I got off Adderall the second time, on December 30th, I was eating healthy and have not gained the weight back this time. Being cognizant of how fast I could put the weight back on helped this go around. Also the l-tyrosine gives you the energy to exercise and suppressed my appetite much like Adderall did. But I take it sparingly now, so I'll see if I gain weight from stopping it. I think the fruits and vegetables helped to clear the foggy brain feeling I had when I quit last time. I was only down maybe three days after quitting this time, and I've felt fine ever since.
  25. Long term side effects of Adderall

    Day 14 off Adderall. Still feeling like my old self and pretty good. Haven't started gaining the weight back yet. Started L-tyrosine and only took two, because I wasn't sleeping and feeling heart palpitations. Hadn't taken one in about three days and was still feeling ok. But I took some today, probably less than 200 mg to see if it would help me wake up for a long drive down to see my mom. It did. Had a great day. Wow.