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About whosthisguy

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    New York, New York
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    Friends, being a beach bum, research, drinking, exploring

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  1. Having some minor setbacks mentally

    Gigem, we have a lot in common. And I'm only 4 months clean. If you consider me clean since I relapsed this past weekend and went on an all night binge after buying from someone . I actually took the pills b/c of what you're describing. I also feel like something is wrong with my brain. I would binge sooooo hard on Adderall before that I literally was at the peak of pure euphoria. Several max strength pills at a time, understanding chemistry, and blasting techno music as loudly as possible with my leg going like a jackhammer. No drug experience has matched it and I have done a lot of drugs. I still don't have a sense of who I am--I question if the qualities I had on Adderall were real. I am not talking to people as much, I can't think of witty things to say. I feel like I'm actually retarded and I don't like that word. When I hang around with good friends, I used to overflow with conversation and now I can't think of what to say. I obsess over these things almost every second of the day, wondering if I will ever feel connected to reality. I feel like I'm not really there. It's so depressing. By the way...... I have the same eye problem. It's a little blurry, but hard to explain. It feels like I'm not exactly present in the moment with the things I am seeing. I, too, was thinking about scheduling an appointment with an eye doctor but I guess I won't now. Good luck to us...
  2. Matcha Green Tea

    Thank you for that blatant advertisement of an overpriced product.
  3. Quitting is so hard, but so worth it...

    Congrats! That's amazing! How is the fatigue for you? Mine is still ever-present.... but my sleeping schedule is also awful. I tend to oversleep a lot, could be depression. I forgot to mention that I have gotten REALLY into running. I thought I liked running on Adderall (I mean, it does feel great not gonna lie) but running off of it is such a rush. It wakes you up and makes you happy. I don't think I'll ever stop. I ran my first 5k last month and my time was 28:00 and it has only improved since then. . (P.S., to any quitters reading this.... try cardio if you haven't yet!!!)
  4. So, I quit at the start of this past July, so I've been just about 4 months clean. I will admit there were maybe 2 occasions that I snorted it to stay up and party, but I don't really consider that relapsing because they weren't mine and because I am an occasional drug user anyway, from soft to hard. It has been tough for me because I moved to NYC for school and don't have many friends here yet. Adderall used to fill my void inside so much that I didn't even need my current friends; I was actually pushing them away. Now that I'm here off Adderall, I am able to talk to people without having my heart race and hands shake. I don't give them death stares. I can talk to them more easily and focus on the conversation instead of having to consciously think about my body language. And people can tell that I'm a warm and outgoing person. When I first joined I was wary about quitting because I knew my academics would be hampered. I say I "knew," but thus far they haven't. I got an A on my first midterm in grad school and I'll be getting another back tomorrow which I am pretty confident will be another A. It's strange that a lot of things HAVEN'T changed since being off Adderall. I'm still spacey. I still procrastinate for hours on the computer. I still have anxiety and am prone to mood swings. I still have a bad temper. I still drink a lot. I still talk a lot in class and blurt out answers to questions. I still feel like I have an adrenaline rush sometimes that propels me to do things. Still impulsive. I thought quitting would be a magical cure for some of those, but it has shown me that there is still a lot I need to work on now that I am off it. One day I was so happy that I cried. I can now sleep through the night. I have gained weight and look better in my clothes. Some clothes don't even fit anymore (at my worst, I weighed 127-130lbs and I am a 5'9" guy....). And best of all, I don't crash in the evenings and want to hop off a bridge anymore!
  5. Goodbye Morning Coffee

    The switch from Adderall to tea has been AMAZING for me. I go on and on about it to my friends who just don't get it! I use loose leaf tea, which makes nice quality tea affordable. It is $18 for a pound of good-tasting tea and that allows me to use a lot. I use enough to get a caffeine buzz, but the l-theanine in tea helps balance that energy to give you focus. It's not anxiolytic like coffee. It doesn't even make me crave cigarettes, and I quit those! (Btw, if you're trying to quit cigs, remember it only takes 3 days to get over the physical cravings!) Edit -- I meant coffee and tea but I'm gonna leave that because it's semi-true LOL. Shows where my mind is right now.... I try to substitute natural energy for Adderall often. I take a lot of energy-promoting vitamins & herbs--ginseng being one.
  6. Can't relate to the positive wanna get sober me

    I really like that. Short and to the point. I'm a little past 2 months sober and have been considering using again. You just gotta keep in mind that it'll get better and most people don't notice that you feel so slow and tired all the time.
  7. Am I really here?

    All I can say is: as an alcoholic, you can't control the urge. As a former Adderallic, you can't control the urge. It's a drug addiction.
  8. staying adderall clean, and getting better.

    Amazing. Congratulations!
  9. @Occasional -- Thank you for your story. I see a lot of that in myself. Yes, my arm is okay, but I don't exactly give much self-sympathy to myself in that regard b/c I usually feel I deserve the things I do. Anyways, like you, recently quit cigarettes after quitting adderall and that was tough. I also take caffeine pills but don't see a reason for me to quit taking those... I need something to keep me up!! Along with my ginseng, vitamin B, fish oil, green tea, and gingko of course! I've ended up in the ER with a BAC above .3 while also on Klonopin and have been told that I probably shouldn't be alive--I just have an insane tolerance. I know a lot of pharmacology, but I actually did not know about its impact on 5HT! That is worrisome to me and is a good motivation to stop mixing. Thank you for sharing that tidbit, Occasional. It's just hard to rationalize when you say "those 3 pills will destroy all the progress you've made." How? Will it really delay my brain recovery to that extent? It's so hard to not let myself indulge.... especially now that I know I only have a small amount. Last time I relapsed I had a full prescription. I know you're right in the end, though :( :(. I'm trying to limit myself on the Kpins; I know what it's like to have acute W/D from those for a few days. @Cat - Hmmm, I also have a lot of those same concerns!! I drink early in the day sometimes and have posted on alcoholic message boards. They all say that, when they were 21, they were nowhere near as bad as I am. I need to stop. The adderall withdrawal has just made it so much worse. Thank you both for giving me hope that eventually all of this will taper. Your stories have made my night a little better. I hope others can see this, because I know that those who are led to one substance are often led to multiple more. I hope we get more stories here
  10. Does anyone else have a problem with this? I have been drinking almost every day since I quit taking Adderall. I feel like I need something to fill the void. I think I was using Adderall and a whole host of other drugs to self-medicate for depression. I have been trying to slow down on the drinking, but it is REALLY hard. Really hard. I actually feel more depressed lately than I did during the first month. I have some days of hope, but I'm still so sluggish and I beat myself up everyday over the really intellectually challenging homework I have not even started. Last week I got my Adderall prescription filled and I am proud to say I didn't take one of them. I'm on day 39. Unfortunately, last night I traded it for 90 Klonopin and took 3 while I was drinking. Ended up having a mental breakdown and slashed the inside of my arm a few times, something I haven't done since a really grave incident I had last December. I am craving alcohol, craving Adderall. I know I need treatment, so you don't need to tell me that. I saved 3 Adderall pills in case I "need" them for something that I need a little boost for... it's taking a lot out of me to not just take one. For the few weeks I had my full prescription I never thought about touching it, but the cravings are intensifying... Just seeing if anyone else has experience with substituting and the troubles it brings. Really don't wanna relapse.
  11. What are you afraid of?

    One word: Failure.
  12. Back again...

    LMAO that's so funny you mention it. I don't even know how to explain my weird OCDness with songs!! When I first started abusing stimulants a couple years ago I would feel SO high (I can't come anywhere close to that now, no matter how many I take) that I would listen to techno music on full blast and get lost while doing homework. I get songs stuck in my head all the time, usually the same song. It's super obsessive. And I text my friends random lyrics all the time. All that gets worse on Adderall, lol. I also developed trichotillomania on Adderall, so all these compulsions aren't too abnormal. I see you say that you used to have long hair--is it falling out or are you pulling? If it's the latter then I think we are the same person hahaha.
  13. My story as I tell it....

    You've already said yourself that Adderall is doing nothing good for you. You say you spent an hour typing that out and it makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me. You are in a heart-wrenching struggle of addiction and it goes in a cycle. You've got to break the cycle and you've made the first step coming here. You need to call your doctor and tell him never to prescribe it to you again. A lot of people on the forums have said that and it looks like you need to do that. I haven't done it yet and maybe I should take my own advice, but I think you should at least flush your stash or let your husband ween you off. Adderall tends to make you explode on those you hold most dear.
  14. You're all just like me...

    I'm only 24 days sober and I'm having some of the same thoughts as you. What is my work quality going to be like once I go back to school? By the way, I'm also in psychology. I am going for my Master's in experimental psychology. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about staring at SPSS (our love, right?) off Adderall. But there was a time back in high school when I was myself--off the medicine. I laughed a lot, I was a goofball, and I did alright in school. You will get back to your old self, too. You obviously were able to make it into college, even if you were in alternative programs prior. Maybe you have matured since then and gotten your shit together. Don't put it ALL on the medicine; it was YOU who did it. Also, let me tell you something. My use got so bad in my last year of undergrad that I failed cognitive psychology. I straight up failed the course. WHILE I WAS PULLING ALL NIGHTERS ON ADDERALL. I was so hyperfocused on my thesis that I literally didn't care about a class that didn't relate to me. I was not even like that a year before. I was in the honors program with above a 3.7 (not after my last two semesters lol). I'm warning you--you might just spiral. You might spiral and hit rock bottom. I walked into the final exam for cognitive and the professor asked me if I was okay. Why? Because I was up all night on Adderall, cracked out, sending her messages about how worried I was. Oh--I had deep bags under my bloodshot eyes and I was barely walking straight. And I reeked of cigarettes. I was a mess!!! I had to BEG her to give me a C in the class so I could move to NYC for my experimental program. I'm almost begging you to quit now--don't you think you will be the fakest therapist ever on Adderall? I know I thought about that ALL the time (I am in an Exper masters but applied to clinical PhDs). Your body language is very reduced on Addy and you would not be so genuine. Also, you have to tell your boyfriend. Are you just going to tell him that you're sleeping for hours, binging, and feeling like lying around on the couch just because you've made a life change? No... Relationships are about oppeness, and if you can't be open with him, there's going to be a big ass elephant in the room. He should be supportive. You don't turn into an überbitch when you quit the pills, so don't worry. Just remind him that you will be going through this for a little bit. It should make you guys stronger because you'll be able to see him as someone who was there for you during a rough time. I wish you the best and flush the rest!
  15. Favorite things about being adderall-free!

    - Feeling like I can be around people at night instead of hibernating because I feel so miserable from the crash - Quitting cigarettes - Feeling even all day, even if it's evenly tired - No longer having trichotillomania - Not staring into mirrors every time I pass by one - Not exploding on people over minor things because I feel so overstimulated - Having time to respond to my friends' texts instead of ignoring them all day - Gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks, which helped a lot since I am am already super skinny. I don't look like I'm starving so much right now. - I am able to eat fruits now!!! Before I would purposefully avoid lemons and oranges, anything citrusy, because acids lower the pH of your stomach, thus speeding Adderall excretion... AND OHH NOO I COULD NOT HAVE THAT! I would take tums with my Adderall just to keep my pH up! Sad.