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About whosthisguy

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    New York, New York
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    Friends, being a beach bum, research, drinking, exploring

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  1. I was also on them for 10 years. And I wasn't too depressed on them either.. but that's because they're used for treatment-resistant depression. It's hard to be super depressed on speed, lol. But I just hope you aren't getting in your own way in recovery. There are more options out there than just sitting and waiting for it to pass and I hope you get to explore those and find contentment at some point. Best of luck!
  2. I urge you to consider that depression is a medical condition and doesn't always subside. It may not "just" be PAWS from quitting Adderall. Medication and therapy are out there for you.. I'd also consider 12 step meetings because you can talk and make connections with people who are also recovering from addiction. These have all helped me a lot and I'm only 80 days clean. Of course I still struggle but I'm able to get out of bed, go shopping, think about things other than suicide, etc.
  3. I do too but I obviously didn't have a problem taking whatever drug was presented to me, so why not use some non-addictive support for an actual mental illness I've had, even before I started using. There's no reason to put myself through more pain (mental and physical self-harm) and jeopardize my job because I naturally have a difficult time functioning. But that's just me and I totally understand and hope to be off antidepressants someday too. I deeply relate to all you're going through and I'm hopeful that someday we will be past this and it'll all be just a memory that makes us stronger. I wouldn't wish adderall/drug/alcohol addiction on anyone.
  4. Hey BK99, have you tried any antidepressants? It sounds like you're still struggling a lot... I have 58 days clean and recently went on Wellbutrin (and Lexapro... when I got out of rehab for Adderall I was suicidal). I'm on the max dose and I have no side effects because my dopamine and norepinephrine receptors are so shot. It seems to give me SOME energy, though nothing like Adderall. I'm hoping it helps more as time goes on because I just started the new dose :/
  5. Having some minor setbacks mentally

    Gigem, we have a lot in common. And I'm only 4 months clean. If you consider me clean since I relapsed this past weekend and went on an all night binge after buying from someone . I actually took the pills b/c of what you're describing. I also feel like something is wrong with my brain. I would binge sooooo hard on Adderall before that I literally was at the peak of pure euphoria. Several max strength pills at a time, understanding chemistry, and blasting techno music as loudly as possible with my leg going like a jackhammer. No drug experience has matched it and I have done a lot of drugs. I still don't have a sense of who I am--I question if the qualities I had on Adderall were real. I am not talking to people as much, I can't think of witty things to say. I feel like I'm actually retarded and I don't like that word. When I hang around with good friends, I used to overflow with conversation and now I can't think of what to say. I obsess over these things almost every second of the day, wondering if I will ever feel connected to reality. I feel like I'm not really there. It's so depressing. By the way...... I have the same eye problem. It's a little blurry, but hard to explain. It feels like I'm not exactly present in the moment with the things I am seeing. I, too, was thinking about scheduling an appointment with an eye doctor but I guess I won't now. Good luck to us...
  6. Matcha Green Tea

    Thank you for that blatant advertisement of an overpriced product.
  7. Quitting is so hard, but so worth it...

    Congrats! That's amazing! How is the fatigue for you? Mine is still ever-present.... but my sleeping schedule is also awful. I tend to oversleep a lot, could be depression. I forgot to mention that I have gotten REALLY into running. I thought I liked running on Adderall (I mean, it does feel great not gonna lie) but running off of it is such a rush. It wakes you up and makes you happy. I don't think I'll ever stop. I ran my first 5k last month and my time was 28:00 and it has only improved since then. . (P.S., to any quitters reading this.... try cardio if you haven't yet!!!)
  8. So, I quit at the start of this past July, so I've been just about 4 months clean. I will admit there were maybe 2 occasions that I snorted it to stay up and party, but I don't really consider that relapsing because they weren't mine and because I am an occasional drug user anyway, from soft to hard. It has been tough for me because I moved to NYC for school and don't have many friends here yet. Adderall used to fill my void inside so much that I didn't even need my current friends; I was actually pushing them away. Now that I'm here off Adderall, I am able to talk to people without having my heart race and hands shake. I don't give them death stares. I can talk to them more easily and focus on the conversation instead of having to consciously think about my body language. And people can tell that I'm a warm and outgoing person. When I first joined I was wary about quitting because I knew my academics would be hampered. I say I "knew," but thus far they haven't. I got an A on my first midterm in grad school and I'll be getting another back tomorrow which I am pretty confident will be another A. It's strange that a lot of things HAVEN'T changed since being off Adderall. I'm still spacey. I still procrastinate for hours on the computer. I still have anxiety and am prone to mood swings. I still have a bad temper. I still drink a lot. I still talk a lot in class and blurt out answers to questions. I still feel like I have an adrenaline rush sometimes that propels me to do things. Still impulsive. I thought quitting would be a magical cure for some of those, but it has shown me that there is still a lot I need to work on now that I am off it. One day I was so happy that I cried. I can now sleep through the night. I have gained weight and look better in my clothes. Some clothes don't even fit anymore (at my worst, I weighed 127-130lbs and I am a 5'9" guy....). And best of all, I don't crash in the evenings and want to hop off a bridge anymore!
  9. Goodbye Morning Coffee

    The switch from Adderall to tea has been AMAZING for me. I go on and on about it to my friends who just don't get it! I use loose leaf tea, which makes nice quality tea affordable. It is $18 for a pound of good-tasting tea and that allows me to use a lot. I use enough to get a caffeine buzz, but the l-theanine in tea helps balance that energy to give you focus. It's not anxiolytic like coffee. It doesn't even make me crave cigarettes, and I quit those! (Btw, if you're trying to quit cigs, remember it only takes 3 days to get over the physical cravings!) Edit -- I meant coffee and tea but I'm gonna leave that because it's semi-true LOL. Shows where my mind is right now.... I try to substitute natural energy for Adderall often. I take a lot of energy-promoting vitamins & herbs--ginseng being one.
  10. Can't relate to the positive wanna get sober me

    I really like that. Short and to the point. I'm a little past 2 months sober and have been considering using again. You just gotta keep in mind that it'll get better and most people don't notice that you feel so slow and tired all the time.
  11. Am I really here?

    All I can say is: as an alcoholic, you can't control the urge. As a former Adderallic, you can't control the urge. It's a drug addiction.
  12. staying adderall clean, and getting better.

    Amazing. Congratulations!
  13. @Occasional -- Thank you for your story. I see a lot of that in myself. Yes, my arm is okay, but I don't exactly give much self-sympathy to myself in that regard b/c I usually feel I deserve the things I do. Anyways, like you, recently quit cigarettes after quitting adderall and that was tough. I also take caffeine pills but don't see a reason for me to quit taking those... I need something to keep me up!! Along with my ginseng, vitamin B, fish oil, green tea, and gingko of course! I've ended up in the ER with a BAC above .3 while also on Klonopin and have been told that I probably shouldn't be alive--I just have an insane tolerance. I know a lot of pharmacology, but I actually did not know about its impact on 5HT! That is worrisome to me and is a good motivation to stop mixing. Thank you for sharing that tidbit, Occasional. It's just hard to rationalize when you say "those 3 pills will destroy all the progress you've made." How? Will it really delay my brain recovery to that extent? It's so hard to not let myself indulge.... especially now that I know I only have a small amount. Last time I relapsed I had a full prescription. I know you're right in the end, though :( :(. I'm trying to limit myself on the Kpins; I know what it's like to have acute W/D from those for a few days. @Cat - Hmmm, I also have a lot of those same concerns!! I drink early in the day sometimes and have posted on alcoholic message boards. They all say that, when they were 21, they were nowhere near as bad as I am. I need to stop. The adderall withdrawal has just made it so much worse. Thank you both for giving me hope that eventually all of this will taper. Your stories have made my night a little better. I hope others can see this, because I know that those who are led to one substance are often led to multiple more. I hope we get more stories here
  14. Does anyone else have a problem with this? I have been drinking almost every day since I quit taking Adderall. I feel like I need something to fill the void. I think I was using Adderall and a whole host of other drugs to self-medicate for depression. I have been trying to slow down on the drinking, but it is REALLY hard. Really hard. I actually feel more depressed lately than I did during the first month. I have some days of hope, but I'm still so sluggish and I beat myself up everyday over the really intellectually challenging homework I have not even started. Last week I got my Adderall prescription filled and I am proud to say I didn't take one of them. I'm on day 39. Unfortunately, last night I traded it for 90 Klonopin and took 3 while I was drinking. Ended up having a mental breakdown and slashed the inside of my arm a few times, something I haven't done since a really grave incident I had last December. I am craving alcohol, craving Adderall. I know I need treatment, so you don't need to tell me that. I saved 3 Adderall pills in case I "need" them for something that I need a little boost for... it's taking a lot out of me to not just take one. For the few weeks I had my full prescription I never thought about touching it, but the cravings are intensifying... Just seeing if anyone else has experience with substituting and the troubles it brings. Really don't wanna relapse.
  15. What are you afraid of?

    One word: Failure.