Mouten57

Hi everyone. It's taken me a long time to really hold myself accountable for what's been happening, but I'm finally ready to go back my old self and I need your help. Here's my story: I started taking adderall about 1.5 years ago. It started off fairly innocent, I had taken it in college and liked the focus it gave me so I decided to go to the doctor to ask for a prescription. After several months of use I found myself taking more than prescribed, especially while drinking, because I became the social hero of the party (at least that's how I viewed myself). Each day I would take a little big more until finally I started to realize I was becoming addicted. I began having a really hard time going to sleep, knowing the adderall was to blame yet still taking 20mg or more later in the evening. I was constantly late to work either because of oversleeping or I just didn't go to sleep at all. A few months ago I finally lost my job. Why? Because I was strung out until 5am and couldn't wake up until 12pm the next day. But this still wasn't enough to make me quit. I realized what was going on and stopped for a while. I was tired but I eventually got over it and felt really good about myself for the first time in a long time. I actually got more done in a week off-adderall than many weeks on-adderall. I made many to-do lists while taking the medicine but something else usually grabbed my attention and held onto it like a noose. Yet, knowing this, I still had that feeling of "I could get so much done/life is better/ blah blah blah ...if I just took some adderall" Same cycle occurs again, but this time I almost lost my girlfriend. One thing I've noticed from adderall is that it is impossible sometimes to just calm down and be yourself even if you're with the ones you love. My girlfriend and i have really been having a hard time because of my emotional instability(depression, insecurity, and irritability caused by adderall). While i felt (fake) happy since i was getting more done, the truth is i was very unproductive and very withdrawn socially. I was taking it for the high that came with each pill. Tonight everything kind of came to a climax; I found myself arguing with my girlfriend and realizing that I was not acting like myself. To be more specific, I sort of heard myself speaking and realizing that what I was saying sounded like it was coming from a paranoid, self-loathing, pathetic version of myself. I got very very low tonight and if it weren't for my girlfriends patience I really don't know what could have happened. Lets just say I really didn't like myself tonight. That was a few hours ago, and since then I've come home and flushed the bottle down the toilet. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life and I know it's not going to be easy but I can't go back to this stuff. I would love to hear any advice, any kind of comments, any help at all so I can beat this addiction FOR LIFE. I said earlier I haven't really been honest with myself lately, or with many people for that matter. I come here publicly seeking advice because I know that for me there is no other option but quitting. Thank you all, Matt