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Everything posted by Zerokewl

  1. I almost gave up hope....

    Progress is progress. Good work. Keep stacking days it will go by quicker than you imagined.
  2. One Word Status Update

    any day I ride my bike is a good day.
  3. temper tantrums

    like the idea of not getting angry in the 1st place. Like don't go there. Strange.
  4. 6 months

    I didn't really know how to spell anxiety and a lot of words like dopamine etc until adderall. Not being able to deal with depression etc lead me to adderall. I remember anxiety being a huge issue around 6 months. Good time to start working on coping techniques etc. Breath. I still experience anxiety but not nearly like I used to. Adderall fucks up your brain chemistry. Your brain is still re-calibrating and it takes time. Find ways to distract yourself during this process.
  5. temper tantrums

    wasn't offended sort of comforting to know other people feel this way. I'm just frustrated right now and cant stop running shit through my mind.It seems like sometimes I'm creating a new drama to forget the last one.
  6. temper tantrums

    I think you just keep showing up. Its your average that matters. Your never going to get it all right. You just keep fighting for the wins. A bad game doesn't make a bad season. A bad season doesn't make a bad career. The people who give into "loser" label who are the losers.
  7. temper tantrums

    So how do you forget about it? I guess you have to channel that anger into something positive house work, swimming etc. I just can't help replaying these events over and over in my head. Mistakes I've made. I've read all the quotes about your past, and learning from your mistakes. But how do you stop playing the events over and over in your head. You just do. I guess its hard, the ego causes us so many problems. My ego needed adderall. I let my ego drive too much. I've just never been able to do the water off the ducks back thing and I need to learn. Like fucking now. I have no idea how politicians and public figures deal. When you start realizing you are a praise whore and you've been chasing the approval of a bunch of assholes your entire life. I hate it when people compliment my work because I think they are blowing sunshine up my ass. When people are critical about my work I think about it endlessly and it effects my ability to stay in the moment. I am rarely satisfied with my work. I'm always blowing things up instead of dismantling them. Forward is the only direction that matters. Your past doesn't matter. You adapt this mantra and people say you are running from your past. Why do I care what these people think at all. Half these assholes wouldn't walk across the street to piss on my head if it was on fire. Sales stats, analytics and various metrics are the only true measure of your success. But those numbers are so easily skewed by a bunch of assholes in a boardroom circle jerk. Fuck. I'm running out of keyboards to smash. Smashing a keyboard is so satisfying keys flying everywhere maybe you stick a key and your computer screeches like a murder victim. Weeks later I find a random "q" key under some furniture and you think I fucking showed that keyboard. I made that keyboard my bitch. Then you sit down to type an email on some 9.99 el cheapo keyboard that just feels cheap and you'll never get used to it and you regret killing your old keyboard. I need to buy some keyboards at a thrift shop for smashing. But that would seem artificial like hunting with bait.
  8. One Word Status Update

    game changing bad ass mofo.
  9. One Word Status Update
  10. New Concerned Adderall Taker

    quit while you are ahead! This forum is filled of stories of people just like you who started upping their dose etc.
  11. Best Summer Ever 2016

    so far this summer is going great, cold and rainy today remembering a summer not so long ago that i could barely get out of bed and depression ruled my life. Been cycling quite a bit and can honestly say if I cycle its a good day.
  12. Lets all commit to having the best summer of our lives. What exactly does that mean to you?
  13. One Word Status Update

    I don't know when recovery stopped being my primary focus in life but in time your brain sorta forgets. I almost forget what it is like to take one. Amazing what a lot of rest can do for you. Just allow yourself to heal, and you will start little improvements then all those little gains become big gains and so on.
  14. One Word Status Update

    this is how recovery is done. Brick by brick layer by layer. Things get better. Just keep your routine going and things will gradually turn around. Time heals. At 6 months I was still pretty lethargic and had a lot of stomach issues. Pretty tough to work full time when you sleep 15hours a day. Take it slow.
  15. Differences in addictions

    Depression and Anxiety levels are high in recovery. You learn to cope, but it takes time.
  16. One Word Status Update

    I think this perspective took some time to develop, looking back on my career and life. I was kind of a arrogant prick when I was younger. Especially when I was on stims. Recovery means accepting a new normal and new reality. The cool thing is you get to create that new reality. I think it is key to train for this new reality. That opportunity is coming, if it came today would you be ready?It takes time to build muscle, burn fat and learn new skills. Just keep trying. 3 years ago I slept through the summer in early recovery.
  17. One Word Status Update

    well as it stands the old career path is kinda derailed. My life was entirely about my career for so long, I find it frustrating that I can't find something. Ideally a small company with an easygoing culture and a product that needs to be brought to market, with some revenue streams that allow for R & D. A job that makes my failures seem like just a practice run. I want something I can sink my teeth into. While I search for that job, I need something to help supplement my income in the short term and gets me out of the house. The businesses I started do not produce enough money to live on and pay debts that occurred mostly while on Adderall. I've painted myself into a corner financially and need to get stable. I'm not complaining this has been an interesting year and there is so much to be positive about. This is just a stage of recovery I need to get through. It's frustrating that I currently reside in the "has been" category of life. But I know this is just temporary, fortunes rise and fall and I am moving towards a more stable future. In fact many would be jealous of my unattached life style.
  18. car

    Its good to have family. My father called around and got a much better price on fixing the car and I should have it back in a week. Over the last 3 weeks I've been forced to bicycle everywhere, I've repaired both my bicycles at a community bike shop, and lost a little weight. I feel great, looking forward to the return of my car some things can't be accomplished on a bicycle.
  19. car

    My cars engine has seized and is not worth repairing. The sleek Honda coupe with leather seats was one of the last vestiges of my former life. A life where I had nice things. I've caught myself thinking about the day I chose to take Adderall. When I 1st took that pill about 6 years ago. I have very little left of my life before adderall. A life where success came easy, good times and friends. When I bought that car life was really good, I had a girlfriend, an impressive job title and a bit of money. But then I took adderall, to give me a little edge on some paperwork. Adderall destroyed my career. A career that got me that car. A car that represented me at that time in my life. It represented my success a success that almost destroyed me with long nights and early mornings. I was not in control of my emotions and I had no idea what depression was even tho I fell victim to it many times. I'm going to ride my bike to work tomorrow, and hopefully I can figure out some sort of transportation soon. I will miss that car and its sunroof. But I'm glad that I get to find a new car that represents me right now. I've grown past needing a car to prop up my self esteem. I am successful by my own standards and I am happy in this new life.
  20. One Word Status Update

    I need a job a decent job that pays my bills and causes me a normal amount of stress and gives me time to work on my side projects.