Zerokewl
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Posts posted by Zerokewl
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Good insight. Always helps to find something else on the positive side of this. thought I was headed along those lines until recently. Just need the anxiety/panic to ease the heck up already. Never did I have "panic/anxiety attacks" before adderall. It's been the most difficult part of this whole deal. So tired from lack of sleep. But try to sleep and get overtaken with anxiety. It's a special kind of hell to be sure. Frank did you have episodes like this?
I didn't really know how to spell anxiety and a lot of words like dopamine etc until adderall. Not being able to deal with depression etc lead me to adderall. I remember anxiety being a huge issue around 6 months. Good time to start working on coping techniques etc. Breath. I still experience anxiety but not nearly like I used to. Adderall fucks up your brain chemistry. Your brain is still re-calibrating and it takes time. Find ways to distract yourself during this process.
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I'm in no way undermining what you're sharing zero, I'm pissed at myself. I've gone from loser to pathetic and currently I rage at the smallest things. Sorry if my comment above came off insulting. I barely make sense these days.
wasn't offended sort of comforting to know other people feel this way. I'm just frustrated right now and cant stop running shit through my mind.It seems like sometimes I'm creating a new drama to forget the last one.
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Zero your last comment has me in tears. It's exactly how I feel too. Let me know if you find the magic cure.
I think you just keep showing up. Its your average that matters. Your never going to get it all right. You just keep fighting for the wins. A bad game doesn't make a bad season. A bad season doesn't make a bad career. The people who give into "loser" label who are the losers.
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Sometimes when I have been wronged and there is no recourse, I simply forgive the act but NEVER forget about it. Doing this helps me to put a wrong in the win column while gaining a life lesson.
So how do you forget about it? I guess you have to channel that anger into something positive house work, swimming etc. I just can't help replaying these events over and over in my head. Mistakes I've made. I've read all the quotes about your past, and learning from your mistakes. But how do you stop playing the events over and over in your head. You just do. I guess its hard, the ego causes us so many problems. My ego needed adderall. I let my ego drive too much.
I've just never been able to do the water off the ducks back thing and I need to learn. Like fucking now. I have no idea how politicians and public figures deal.
When you start realizing you are a praise whore and you've been chasing the approval of a bunch of assholes your entire life. I hate it when people compliment my work because I think they are blowing sunshine up my ass. When people are critical about my work I think about it endlessly and it effects my ability to stay in the moment. I am rarely satisfied with my work. I'm always blowing things up instead of dismantling them.
Forward is the only direction that matters. Your past doesn't matter. You adapt this mantra and people say you are running from your past. Why do I care what these people think at all. Half these assholes wouldn't walk across the street to piss on my head if it was on fire.
Sales stats, analytics and various metrics are the only true measure of your success. But those numbers are so easily skewed by a bunch of assholes in a boardroom circle jerk. Fuck.
I'm running out of keyboards to smash. Smashing a keyboard is so satisfying keys flying everywhere maybe you stick a key and your computer screeches like a murder victim. Weeks later I find a random "q" key under some furniture and you think I fucking showed that keyboard. I made that keyboard my bitch. Then you sit down to type an email on some 9.99 el cheapo keyboard that just feels cheap and you'll never get used to it and you regret killing your old keyboard. I need to buy some keyboards at a thrift shop for smashing. But that would seem artificial like hunting with bait.
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I'm 38 years old and I through temper tantrums when things don't go my way. I send emails I shouldn't send that destroy business relationships. I smash mugs, cellphones, car stereos and scare my cat.
I have issues with rage. I feel screwed over by people. White hot poison lava courses through my veins. I'm so sensitive people can't say anything to me because they are afraid I will be overly hurt or I'll blow up.
I spend far too much time plotting impossible schemes to retaliate on my oppressors. I've spoiled many relationships because I can't get over my anger.
I'm afraid I will have a stroke. I need to find a way of getting control of my emotions. But I really have no idea how.
I over react to everything. I'm a super calm, mellow person so people are always really surprised when I turn into a rage filled crazy person.
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game changing bad ass mofo.
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quit while you are ahead! This forum is filled of stories of people just like you who started upping their dose etc.
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so far this summer is going great, cold and rainy today remembering a summer not so long ago that i could barely get out of bed and depression ruled my life. Been cycling quite a bit and can honestly say if I cycle its a good day.
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Thanks for the continued encouragement. Brick by brick indeed. Patience has never been my strong suit, add that to the lessons I'm learning pile. Can't help feeling like some damn gremlin is chucking my hard fought for bricks right back at me at times! Even so I cling to recent memories of good days (usually more like hours) and tell myself it IS getting better. They key is very much what you said; TAKE IT SLOW.
I don't know when recovery stopped being my primary focus in life but in time your brain sorta forgets. I almost forget what it is like to take one. Amazing what a lot of rest can do for you. Just allow yourself to heal, and you will start little improvements then all those little gains become big gains and so on.
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Again I absolutely resonate with all that you discuss. It's taking time to realize the extent of my being something of an arrogant jerk while on "stims". I'm doing what I can to accept the fall-out and forgive myself. I've leaned more lessons then I could possibly count. At my point in recovery 5-6 months, I don't feel ready for what's next, I'm in the fight of my life to just press on with what my current responsibilities are. But during moments of relief, brief as they are, I imagine myself back to full-time work, enjoying the comradery of co-workers, planning vacations, on and on... And doing what I can everyday to get that life back. Right now that means sticking with my part-time job even though it is mostly mindless work, doing my share of house chores, no drinking, no nicotine, in bed at 10:00pm, 30-45 minutes walking 4 days a week, and a promise to my wife to never,never,never "give-up" the fight.....
this is how recovery is done. Brick by brick layer by layer. Things get better. Just keep your routine going and things will gradually turn around. Time heals. At 6 months I was still pretty lethargic and had a lot of stomach issues. Pretty tough to work full time when you sleep 15hours a day. Take it slow.
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I keep reading how the physical addiction only takes a few weeks for most people, but the mental addiction can take months to years... What am I to expect with the mental addiction? I feel like once I get past that feeling that my body is weak and tired and I'm done nodding off on accident, that I will be done with it... But from what I'm reading about the mental addiction is that I won't be.
Depression and Anxiety levels are high in recovery. You learn to cope, but it takes time.
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I still puff on my vapor stick like a fog machine at a haunted house.
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You capture so much so well Zerokewl. Your attitude and perspective is absolutely spot on and inspiring. Im trying to develop a similar way of looking at this period of my life. Thanks for sharing your insight.
I think this perspective took some time to develop, looking back on my career and life. I was kind of a arrogant prick when I was younger. Especially when I was on stims. Recovery means accepting a new normal and new reality. The cool thing is you get to create that new reality.
I think it is key to train for this new reality. That opportunity is coming, if it came today would you be ready?It takes time to build muscle, burn fat and learn new skills. Just keep trying. 3 years ago I slept through the summer in early recovery.
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I need that same job Zerokewl. Seems so much has to do with the amount of stress we allow in our life. Trouble is it's a great balancing act. To much stress caused by higher wage job may pay the bills and then some, but can create the perfect trap for relapse; "work hard, play hard..." Low stress job that pays squat creates financial stress with no money to pursue personal interests... I know I'm being mr. obvious here, but for such a simple concept I haven't found the answer yet.
well as it stands the old career path is kinda derailed. My life was entirely about my career for so long, I find it frustrating that I can't find something. Ideally a small company with an easygoing culture and a product that needs to be brought to market, with some revenue streams that allow for R & D. A job that makes my failures seem like just a practice run. I want something I can sink my teeth into.
While I search for that job, I need something to help supplement my income in the short term and gets me out of the house. The businesses I started do not produce enough money to live on and pay debts that occurred mostly while on Adderall. I've painted myself into a corner financially and need to get stable.
I'm not complaining this has been an interesting year and there is so much to be positive about. This is just a stage of recovery I need to get through. It's frustrating that I currently reside in the "has been" category of life. But I know this is just temporary, fortunes rise and fall and I am moving towards a more stable future. In fact many would be jealous of my unattached life style.
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Its good to have family. My father called around and got a much better price on fixing the car and I should have it back in a week. Over the last 3 weeks I've been forced to bicycle everywhere, I've repaired both my bicycles at a community bike shop, and lost a little weight. I feel great, looking forward to the return of my car some things can't be accomplished on a bicycle.
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I need a job a decent job that pays my bills and causes me a normal amount of stress and gives me time to work on my side projects.
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adjusting to biking everywhere is easier then I thought.
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welcome to the forum.
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I just passed my 6 month point of being off vyvanse, and until a few weeks ago I was feeling great mentally. I am an MBA student and I've been doing much better in classes, been keeping up with friends and family more consistently, and even taken up some side projects like brewing beer. But in the past 2 weeks I've started experiencing some very strange physical symptoms. Ever since college I have had pre-hypertension, high blood pressure but not so high that they would consider it to be dangerous (I believe it was 128 over 80?). But more recently my blood pressure has dropped significantly, as low as 112 over 58. I've read that in most cases, low blood pressure is a good thing. But the problem is that I can feel it - I feel headrushes, slight dizziness, palpitations. I started a diet and have been eating much healthier, mostly vegetables, cutting back on sugar and sodium. I have a hard time believing that my diet caused my BP to drop so significantly, and I feel like I shouldn't really "feel" the drop.
I wanted to throw this out there to see if anyone else felt any physical changes related to their heart during their vyvanse/adderall recovery. Hopefully this is just a phase and it goes away.
I vaguely remember these symptoms when I first quit. Combined with anxiety. I contributed these symptoms to smoking at the time.
temper tantrums
in General Discussion
Posted
like the idea of not getting angry in the 1st place. Like don't go there. Strange.