roadtorecovery

Hello everyone. It's been awhile since I've been on this site... It was extremely helpful when I was going through the quitting/recovering process. I recently realized that this month will be my one year 'anniversary' for being clean from that little pill that controlled my life for...too long. I have been reflecting on my year and thinking quite often about how much my life has changed, both in good ways and bad. I felt like I owed it to all of you to tell my story, to be an inspiration to you all..as I honestly don't think I could have done it without visiting this site at least once a day in the beginning. I think back to the time I flushed my pills down the toilet...It was so dramatic. I was in college at the time. I had been contemplating quitting for quite some time but always made excuses and there was never going to be a 'right time' to quit... I knew my life would fall apart, but at the same time I knew it was something I needed to do, as I couldn't deny any longer that my life wasn't already falling apart. It was spring break and I didn't have plans, so I saw that week as an opportunity to get through the worst of the withdrawal (as I didn't have anything I had to do for a week). I will never forget how God awful the withdrawal was at first... A year later, and I can vividly remember how terrible it was. I was suicidal at one point and drove myself (in a hysterical state) to an inpatient clinic. In the beginning each day was a struggle. I remember one day (a few days in) driving to the lake and just sitting in the nature in the peace and quiet and writing in my journal about how I was feeling. It helps a lot to force yourself to get out of bed and out of the house... It also helps to force yourself to eat healthy and be conscious of what you're eating because you will probably just want to eat a lot of unhealthy foods, which will only make you feel worse. It gets better with time- I cannot stress that enough. I am not going to lie, there are times when I still think to myself that I would give my right leg for one of those pills, but then I remember what all I went through to get to where I am now... I have to force myself to remember the reasons why I quit- my poor health (despite the fact that I was skinny), the ridiculously high level of anxiety that I often felt, feeling like I had lost all authenticity as a person, feeling detached from the people I loved, feeling like I had no empathy for anyone, feeling like I couldn't laugh, not being able to sleep (having to take sleeping pills to wind down- creating a vicious cycle), getting sores in my mouth, not being able to wake up without that little pill.... I am here to tell you that **it takes TIME**.... Like, quite a bit of time...for the chemicals in your brain to level out and get back to normal. It took a long time for me to start feeling normal. A year later, and I feel like me again... I have a personality! I have such a greater capacity to love and be loved. I can laugh (I remember after quitting realizing how good it felt to laugh). I can have genuine interactions with people and not feel like a fake person with a big secret..a person who has it all together only because I had the help of this little secret. It's still not all rainbows and butterflies... I still think about that pill and how much easier everyday tasks could be (especially ones that require a good deal of focus/concentration...I still genuinely exhibit ADD symptoms- but I'd rather live with it). Also, a big struggle I still have is that I compare myself now to who I was when I was on the pill, and I feel like I can never reach that level of perfection without the pill..but that's something I'm still working to overcome. I have gained quite a bit of weight, but I am healthier overall- I can exercise without feeling like I am going to have a heart attack and I can actually enjoy food and social drinking with friends. Anyway... I am going to wrap this up now...I'm sorry- I feel like I've just been rambling-I'm quite tired and, like I said, my thoughts aren't as organized and my mind not as focused these days but I felt the need to write something here as someone who has gone through what you all are going through and who has made it this far... You can do it- just do whatever you have to do to get through the hardest part and you will be so glad you did.. There will never be an ideal time to quit so stop making excuses...Life is too short. My biggest piece of advice is to give the recovery process time and not give up. Godspeed.

This post was so inspiring for me, as I can really relate to a lot of the things you said. I haven't taken Adderall for about a month and a half and I am feeling SO much better both mentally and physically. You can do this-it's definitely not going to be easy, but you will be so happy in the long run!

This site has been extremely helpful for me during my recovery process. Hearing other people's stories motivated me to actually flush my (almost full) bottle of pills down the toilet (which was not an easy thing to do, to say the least). I quit during spring break so I could go through the withdrawal process without having anything to do (although it wasn't planned that way). I just reached my breaking point- I felt like I was going crazy...I was crying daily. I couldn't have normal interactions with people. Adderall and I have had such a love/hate relationship for the past couple of years, making this break-up a hard one. It helped me SO much- but nearly took over my life...and I am not willing to sacrifice the good for all of the bad that comes with it. My story is very similar to many of yours... It's been such a long road it's hard to translate it into an organized, composed letter.. but here I go. I am a college student and I got prescribed to adderall about a year and a half ago. I told my doctor the absolute truth about not being able to concentrate during class or focus on reading, being extremely compulsive, etc. Initially, I thought Adderall was the best thing that had ever happened to me...I am naturally a driven and motivated person, and being able to actually focus allowed me to do/accomplish things I hadn't been able to before. Also, I have always been very conscious about my weight and body image, so I thought it was great that I didn't have to put any effort into being thin. Before taking adderall I loved to exercise and eating healthy was a priority. I was into the idea of alternative medicine and believed in a holistic lifestyle. That all changed when I became physically dependent on this horrible drug. Being on adderall, motivation (to exercise) wasn't a problem- could never make time to go to the gym because I felt under so much pressure to get a million other things done, and when I did make time to go I felt a great deal of anxiety and my heart would feel like it was beating out of my chest when I ran or did other cardio, which was unsettling every time (even though I didn't feel any 'speeding' effects when I wasn't exercising). Last semester I went to the emergency room TWICE for anxiety attacks. I felt like a zombie. I would get little sores on my tongue and I would chew on my cheeks. I frequently took nyquil or melatonin to sleep because otherwise there was no way I would get to sleep. When I drank alcohol with friends I had to get really drunk to have fun-otherwise I was zombied out and awkward. I had to plan when I would drink because the hangovers were unbearable. I might have looked good when I went out, but I wasn't nearly as much fun as I am when I'm not on adderall. I felt flat. I felt anxious. I felt like a fake, counterfeit person. I got to the point where I couldn't even laugh at a good joke. I didn't know myself anymore... where was my personality, my sense of humor, and my compassion? I couldn't even feel emotions anymore- my boyfriend broke up with me and taking adderall allowed me to kind of go through the 'healing' process by just ignoring any feelings I had by keeping busy busy busy. I got to the point where I knew I hated adderall, I just couldn't bring myself to go through the horrible withdrawal that comes along with quitting. Also, I never felt like there was a good time to quit--I felt like my life was going to crumble. Well, I'm not as on top of things as I was-I am nervous about my future and how I am going to accomplish all of my dreams... I feel like concentrating on studying is nearly impossible. I have a huge test coming up and I am extremely nervous about bombing it because I am still trying to accomplish getting every-day things done- work, assignments, laundry, exercise, readings... But I think I can do it- I am going to get through this no matter what it takes. I am here to tell you that if you're considering quitting...don't wait any longer! There will never be a perfect (or even good) time to quit... After you get through the very worst of it, you will be so happy you did. There are things that I definitely miss about it, but I must keep reminding myself of why I am doing this. I have gained about ten pounds in these three weeks, but I am okay with that. During the first few days it will be HELL-I was so depressed for about 4-5 days that it was just horrible...you should have a support system when you're going through this (as I did NOT- making it VERY hard and more depressing)... do whatever you can to get through the first few days of feeling very uncomfortable, even if it means eating an entire pan of brownies. After that, it will take an extreme amount of conscious effort on your part to get through each day without everything falling apart- Everything I do in a day takes 10 times more effort, but I tell myself that this is my choice- I can either get back on the pill and waste my life or I can be off of the pill and cope with life as it is. Every day gets a little easier. I am tired more often and don't get as much done, but I am such a HAPPIER person- I am feeling more and more like myself. I have gotten through this by forcing myself to eat a lot of nutrient-rich foods and get exercise-go on walks, go on hikes, bike rides.. I have been keeping a journal to record my struggles and accomplishments as well. Sorry I just rambled so much- it feels good to get it out... and I feel like I only covered half of the story. Godspeed.... <3