Ali

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About Ali

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  1. A struggle for self and family.

    Well tomorow is my final dose I'm dreading it beyond belief. No more crutch a life of mundanity and a month or two of struggle. Getting through the days is going to be hard. Physically I'm ok now I can stay swam but emotionally I feel very weak. Say some prayers for me and wish me luck. I would like to say I feel strong but I don't.
  2. Relapse

    I'm down to 5mg of adderall. I have been weaning off for two weeks and I have two more days before it's over. I know I have to stop but I don't want to. I love the insidious little rush and drive it gives me. I love smoking in the morning when I have taken my first pill. I love the ability it gives me to focus and filter out all the crap I don't want to think about. I love dopamine swimming in my brain and the feeling of well being that washes over me. Why should I stop and give all that up? Because it's killing my soul it's destroying who I am and who I can become. I hate the feeling I'm cheating those around me, I hate the secrets, I hate the anxiety, the personality changes that make me feel buried under its influence. It's like being possessed that little pill is like the door to letting a demon enter your soul and eat away to destroy all that's unique and special about me. I'm possessed by it and it consumes me. Without it I'm a shell I have to face my insecurities, rebuild my dignity face the mundanity of sobriety, boredom but worse of all I have to face myself. I didn't like me I wasn't good enough, something was missing and adderall filled the void. Ironically I have discovered that there must have been things I did like or why would I decide to stop. Or am I stopping because I don't want to lose my family my husband my life as I know it. Deep down within myself I know I want to reclaim who I was but I have forgotten who she is. Am I enough to live happily ever after. The first time I got clean I thought I was but my spouse cheated on me. Leading me to think I wasn't enough how could I be? My rational brain tells me that it's up to me to measure my worth not the actions of others. But that nagging doubt pervades my thoughts. One things for sure I have to try because loosing my family is the greatest fear and motivator I have. So sobriety is my only option.
  3. I'm down to 5mg of adderall. I have been weaning off for two weeks and I have two more days before it's over. I know I have to stop but I don't want to. I love the insidious little rush and drive it gives me. I love smoking in the morning when I have taken my first pill. I love the ability it gives me to focus and filter out all the crap I don't want to think about. I love dopamine swimming in my brain and the feeling of well being that washes over me. Why should I stop and give all that up? Because it's killing my soul it's destroying who I am and who I can become. I hate the feeling I'm cheating those around me, I hate the secrets, I hate the anxiety, the personality changes that make me feel buried under its influence. It's like being possessed that little pill is like the door to letting a demon enter your soul and eat away to destroy all that's unique and special about me. I'm possessed by it and it consumes me. Without it I'm a shell I have to face my insecurities, rebuild my dignity face the mundanity of sobriety, boredom but worse of all I have to face myself. I didn't like me I wasn't good enough, something was missing and adderall filled the void. Ironically I have discovered that there must have been things I did like or why would I decide to stop. Or am I stopping because I don't want to lose my family my husband my life as I know it. Deep down within myself I know I want to reclaim who I was but I have forgotten who she is. Am I enough to live happily ever after. The first time I got clean I thought I was but my spouse cheated on me. Leading me to think I wasn't enough how could I be? My rational brain tells me that it's up to me to measure my worth not the actions of others. But that nagging doubt pervades my thoughts. One things for sure I have to try because loosing my family is the greatest fear and motivator I have. So sobriety is my only option.
  4. Side Effects

    Wonderful! You can do it. Adderal is plain awful.
  5. San Antonio, TX

    How long have you been clean?
  6. Relapse

    When is the worst over?
  7. Relapse

    I think I'm going to have a breakdown. What do you do to counter this affect? I just can't cope.
  8. Relapse

    No I will make it.
  9. Relapse

    Is the second day always worst
  10. Relapse

    This is the worst day. I felt like I was going to literally have a break down today. My ability to cope without this drug short term is tantamount to impossible . I'm still on track though. I'm probably going to end up divorced I have screamed at my husband so many times. I can't tell him it would not be a good idea. We went through hell getting me off this drug and telling him I relapsed would be a mistake. So I have to muddle through. Thanks for all the support. I'm so depressed right now. I can barely think!
  11. Relapse

    It's an insidious ugly drug that is ruining peoples lives. I'm suffering so much now and so tired. It allows people to cheat through life and we know that's always going to have consequences. There are no short cuts. I'm not going to fill that damn script.
  12. Relapse

    I have three children so no that's not an option. I guess I need someone to remind me why I'm doing this. I feel like a Zombie right now. I just want to feel normal again.
  13. Relapse

    This drug is a killer to come off. Why do Drs give it out so willingly
  14. Relapse

    Feel like taking all of my last few pills but determined not to. Struggling to stay awake.