Ali

Well tomorow is my final dose I'm dreading it beyond belief. No more crutch a life of mundanity and a month or two of struggle. Getting through the days is going to be hard. Physically I'm ok now I can stay swam but emotionally I feel very weak. Say some prayers for me and wish me luck. I would like to say I feel strong but I don't.

Is it?

I'm down to 5mg of adderall. I have been weaning off for two weeks and I have two more days before it's over. I know I have to stop but I don't want to. I love the insidious little rush and drive it gives me. I love smoking in the morning when I have taken my first pill. I love the ability it gives me to focus and filter out all the crap I don't want to think about. I love dopamine swimming in my brain and the feeling of well being that washes over me. Why should I stop and give all that up? Because it's killing my soul it's destroying who I am and who I can become. I hate the feeling I'm cheating those around me, I hate the secrets, I hate the anxiety, the personality changes that make me feel buried under its influence. It's like being possessed that little pill is like the door to letting a demon enter your soul and eat away to destroy all that's unique and special about me. I'm possessed by it and it consumes me. Without it I'm a shell I have to face my insecurities, rebuild my dignity face the mundanity of sobriety, boredom but worse of all I have to face myself. I didn't like me I wasn't good enough, something was missing and adderall filled the void. Ironically I have discovered that there must have been things I did like or why would I decide to stop. Or am I stopping because I don't want to lose my family my husband my life as I know it. Deep down within myself I know I want to reclaim who I was but I have forgotten who she is. Am I enough to live happily ever after. The first time I got clean I thought I was but my spouse cheated on me. Leading me to think I wasn't enough how could I be? My rational brain tells me that it's up to me to measure my worth not the actions of others. But that nagging doubt pervades my thoughts. One things for sure I have to try because loosing my family is the greatest fear and motivator I have. So sobriety is my only option.

I'm down to 5mg of adderall. I have been weaning off for two weeks and I have two more days before it's over. I know I have to stop but I don't want to. I love the insidious little rush and drive it gives me. I love smoking in the morning when I have taken my first pill. I love the ability it gives me to focus and filter out all the crap I don't want to think about. I love dopamine swimming in my brain and the feeling of well being that washes over me. Why should I stop and give all that up? Because it's killing my soul it's destroying who I am and who I can become. I hate the feeling I'm cheating those around me, I hate the secrets, I hate the anxiety, the personality changes that make me feel buried under its influence. It's like being possessed that little pill is like the door to letting a demon enter your soul and eat away to destroy all that's unique and special about me. I'm possessed by it and it consumes me. Without it I'm a shell I have to face my insecurities, rebuild my dignity face the mundanity of sobriety, boredom but worse of all I have to face myself. I didn't like me I wasn't good enough, something was missing and adderall filled the void. Ironically I have discovered that there must have been things I did like or why would I decide to stop. Or am I stopping because I don't want to lose my family my husband my life as I know it. Deep down within myself I know I want to reclaim who I was but I have forgotten who she is. Am I enough to live happily ever after. The first time I got clean I thought I was but my spouse cheated on me. Leading me to think I wasn't enough how could I be? My rational brain tells me that it's up to me to measure my worth not the actions of others. But that nagging doubt pervades my thoughts. One things for sure I have to try because loosing my family is the greatest fear and motivator I have. So sobriety is my only option.

Wonderful! You can do it. Adderal is plain awful.

How long have you been clean?

When is the worst over?

I think I'm going to have a breakdown. What do you do to counter this affect? I just can't cope.

No I will make it.

Is the second day always worst

This is the worst day. I felt like I was going to literally have a break down today. My ability to cope without this drug short term is tantamount to impossible . I'm still on track though. I'm probably going to end up divorced I have screamed at my husband so many times. I can't tell him it would not be a good idea. We went through hell getting me off this drug and telling him I relapsed would be a mistake. So I have to muddle through. Thanks for all the support. I'm so depressed right now. I can barely think!

It's an insidious ugly drug that is ruining peoples lives. I'm suffering so much now and so tired. It allows people to cheat through life and we know that's always going to have consequences. There are no short cuts. I'm not going to fill that damn script.

I have three children so no that's not an option. I guess I need someone to remind me why I'm doing this. I feel like a Zombie right now. I just want to feel normal again.

This drug is a killer to come off. Why do Drs give it out so willingly

Feel like taking all of my last few pills but determined not to. Struggling to stay awake.

Really tough day.

Well guys I made it through the day. My head is fuzzy can't wait to sleep but I feel calm. I can do this. I really can. Oh I bought a stack of supplements too and ate blueberries all day. I-tyrosine is good stuff.

Thanks for all the advice this really has helped me.

I know I can do it. I managed on 1 pill today which is a miracle. I couldn't get a thing done of course but I made it through my work day. Tomorrow I'm going to take less than today. Just pray I don't refill.

I'm so scared that I will fail. I hate myself on this drug. While I am productive beyond question I lose my personality become withdrawn paranoid and have no sense of humor. I I am full of rage anxiety and anger. Have no tolerance believe I am above everyone around me and feel the real me is buried under the weight of this burden.

Thank you so much for responding. I so needed to hear that. I am heading to work and dreading it. I am struggling to stay awake. I have 7 pills left until my next refill and the plan is to wean. My next script is due 10/1. I need to summon every last bit of strength to not get more. How do I do it?

I miss my focus and concentration. I focused on the wrong things.

Right now I feel like a joke, a failure and a pathetic human being. I started my adderall use 5 years ago. Following my divorce I couldn't cope and used it as my crutch to sell my home care for two kids and hold down my stressful and unfulfilling job. I have always been a perfectionist and prided myself on being in control of my life, health and family. When I started taking adderall it made me feel powerful, confident and ready to conquer the world I thought I had found something special but in reality I had found the road to emptiness and isolation. As my tolerance for this little orange pill grew I began taking more and more staying up all night reading and chatting to people online. I became addicted to the trance like state it put me in and was able to block out pain but also everything that was meaningful and worth while. My children always meant the world to me and although I always was able to make sure I provided them with the basic care and love they needed I knew I wasn't being the parent I once was and needed to be. Their needs became secondary to my love of adderall. I wasn't connected to them in an intimate and authentic way and was missing out on the joy of knowing them and making their life my priority. I also was in the midst of a turbulent affair with a man who knew nothing of my adderal abuse. This relationship was riddled with lies and my behavior was bordering on psychotic due to my lack of sleep, pressure of divorce and my inability to perform at work. I lost 20 pounds chain smoked and looked like a heroin addict . I have always been a pretty girl that took pride in her appearance but at the end when I hit rock bottom I was a hollow, jittery shallow and neurotic mess. I finally confessed to my boyfriend that I had a problem and he agreed to help me get clean. I handed over my pills and with tight control I was able to gradually wean myself off them. It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. But did it. There were days when I felt like I wouldn't make it through the day. I couldn't focus at work and thought I was going to pass out at my desk. As the days went by I found myself gradually getting back to normal. Well I married this man had another child and things were going well. Until I started to feel a lack of focus again at work and struggled with raising three children a home and work. I deluded myself that now that things were stable in my like I could control adderall and taking a small dose would help me manage my busy life. I went to my Dr and asked for a low dose. Now I'm back at it and addicted. I'm lost and conflicted the pain has returned . I hate myself and this drug. Someone help me!