swervecity

Kori, I don't know if you had seen any of my posts here from October, but this was the issue I was facing. Where are you with this currently? How much of what are you taking? What goals do you have concerning the medication? If you are off the benzo's and adderall, how long were you on them, and how long did it take you to come off of them? In the end, this is going to be a difficult transition in your life. Quitting Adderall is a pain, but quitting benzo's can be a monster in comparison. I'm not saying this to scare you. The internet can really mess people up who are going through major life changes by implanting horror stories into their heads. There is hope, and both withdrawals can be managed and be done in a way that is somewhat comfortable. But you need to really educate yourself and your doctor on what's really going on for that to take place. I'm in college at 31, in a dorm that's like a daycare center, and I am adjusting to benzo and amphetamine changes successfully. So it is possible, and sleep will come. I know how much insomnia sucks. Would like to here where you're at, as well as get the answers to those questions. I can't offer any suggestions about sleep without some information. In the meantime, I highly suggest going here and reading all of this: benzo.org.uk it's a good start. Let us know how you're doing. Regards, Paul

Still in talks with the "authorities". So far there looks to be three options: 1. Withdrawal completely, lose $15,000. Go home, try to get healthy. 2. Withdrawal from two classes so I can focus on the other two. 3. Remain a full-time student, but basically tell my professors of one or two classes that if they don't give me extensions, I plan on failing the class. No.2 sounds like the best option, but there are implications involved with financial aid (I was given a certain amount of money to be a full-time student that lives on campus). If I drop two, I become part-time and they'd have to figure something out. They have made exceptions in the past. I don't mind #3 either. If I fail, I'll just take it over. Whatever, man. Our health has to come first. #1 -- Meh. Not so much. Lesson learned. I did declare my major though. I'm pursuing a masters in Counseling. So eventually I can tell a future one of us the lesson's I did learn during this semester, and hopefully they can avoid the same trap. Textbook counselors with little life experience...well, they're nice people. Thanks.

Lies from the pit of hell! Understandable, but still lies!! Forget about you. "I" is always our problem. Get yourself out of the way, and just let the Master run this. Look forward to hearing how well you do. Proud of you, Cassie.

Thanks. Sugar-coated words are not my thing, Ashley. I guess I just needed reinforcement, and perhaps some suggestions, on what to do BESIDES use Vyvanse in the meantime to get out of the mess I made, because all other options seems impossible. This isn't a willpower thing. If I could will my way to read, understand and write about ancient texts and other things I don't care about then I wouldn't be taking the action I am. Plus, I still don't even know if I have ADD. Signs were there as a child and adolescent, but then I started taking hard drugs -- fast forward 14 years, and I'm back in college after two previous failed attempts. To get here the path was not pretty. Leaving out a decade, I'll skip to the last couple of years: I believe the chain of events leading me here was as follows: ex-girlfriends house, somewhere I can't remember, jail, rehab, hotel room, jail, hotel room, rehab (30 days), rehab (12 months), college IMMEDIATELY after rehab -- probably not the wisest choice. Did really well though. Then Adderall...6 months later, BAM! Downward spiral. I cannot go backwards, and have little options but to proceed with school. There's no doubt that amphetamines calm the racing storm of thoughts in my head and make me want to get out of bed and live. Adderall made me want to be superman. Vyvanse seems to just make me want to be a man. So perhaps this is just a cry for help with answers I knew I'd receive from you guys. On the other hand, I'm sincerely confused and don't know what to expect from this medication. A lot of this is just me journaling my path out of this for all of you to see. Each one, teach one...and I need help. And I look around and it's nowhere to be found on campus. Hopefully I can pay it forward one day. *On a positive side note, I truly believe I've learned more in this valley then I would have in the classroom. Unfortunately, the world doesn't care about life experiences, failures and redemption. That won't get me a job. A fucking piece of paper will.

Sorry for the length of these posts. I appreciate all who read them as I walk this journey..... So, after quitting Adderall almost three weeks ago with little-to-no noticeable withdrawal side effects -- mostly due to the fact that the Klonopin withdrawal was overriding it -- some thing's have changed. As most of you know, I'm in a difficult position here. I decided to give up Adderall IR mid-semester. It got to a point where I noticed the crashes, coupled with the other medications I was taking (particularly Soma), had brought me to my knees after being on them for about a year. School was becoming an impossibility for this former dean's list student. Went into the semester knowing in my gut I was entering a difficult situation. I did well for the first few weeks, but knew the Adderall had to go. It was creating an artificiality in both my work and personality, and ruining me. I would binge and crash so hard that I couldn't move or even eat for days at a time. And, uhh....food, sleep, social support, and routine are pretty fundamental to our health. So the rest of the semester was missed classes and assignments. Asked my professors for some work to get started on during fall break. I noticed two things: The fog was lifting (I was happier and could see things in a less delusional way. "The grass was greener on the other side," if you will), but I was extremely anxious, and I couldn't focus at all. Back to classes full-time, noticed the symptoms of restlessness, anxiety and inability to focus or sit still ten-fold. I was unsure of whether it was the post-acute withdrawal, or evidence of an actual need for medication (I've had these symptoms for years). Made an appointment with the doctor with the intention to be open about what was going on; however, I cannot lie -- deep within me, and I believe all human beings, is a conniving person which stems from our basic, primitive instinct to survive. Couple that with running the streets for 14 years, and feeling the way I was, I could probably convince a doctor that I'm an asexual alien from outer space with 6 penis' and 2 vagina's who needs heroin, xanax, dilaudid, LSD, and pure MDMA in order to reproduce and keep my race going on Planet Zzxyz. I say the following statement without boasting, and with some regret: By understanding the complexities involved on both sides of manipulation, I developed my basic elementary instinct of this particular 'skill' into that of a doctorate level. I would compare this 'skill' of manipulation to that of becoming a Grandmaster in Chess. Helpful in some areas of life; extremely dangerous in others -- particularly for people like us. After a long talk about my past, and what was happening, "we" came to the conclusion that I fit the "criteria" for a person who needs benzodiazapines long-term, especially right now under so much stress. I also mentioned that my inability to focus, the overload of work, and racing thoughts were going to make my head explode. So I mentioned Vyvanse. I'd had some "success" with this in 2011 when I was able to afford it. Part of the reason I went to Adderall IR was it's price. Now that I have good insurance, I can afford Vyvanse and "we" figured I would give it a try. While I can't say it's been a total failure, as it has helped with focus, organization of thoughts, as well helped my depression. And it's smooth. It doesn't pack that powerful punch that Adderall does, which always inevitably led to a crash convincing my brain that I needed more...and more...and more... However, it has not been a great substitution thus far. I'm still way behind in work, and find that while I don't crash anywhere near as hard, I still notice its effects wearing off after about 3-4 hours. This creates a problem for me (and us). I don't know if the dose is wrong, or I need to avoid amphetamines altogether. Nothing else works for my socialization, attention and depression. And, I'm in school. Meeting with the Dean to discuss the possibilities as far as classes go tomorrow at 2pm. I am hoping to drop (or take incompletes/extensions) in 1-2 classes, so I can focus on the other two and get 6-9 credits of quality work, as opposed to getting so overwhelmed by the work that I get paralyzed and give up altogether, which will only earn me F's. Please keep me in your thoughts (and prayers if that's your thing) while I have these important meetings tomorrow. As always, input and insight appreciated, and I pray some of you can relate and were helped by this. Warm Regards, Overwhelmed

Let's do that. I'm not in Princeton at the moment either -- in school. But will be back in January as well. paulcmiller2.0@gmail.com

Thank you, brothers and sisters. Your words have been helpful. It is 1:07pm EST and I have yet to call the doctor; but I'll be damned if I don't want to REALLY bad. Too easy though. I'm gunna take the hard road on this one and see where I end up. Down to a very low dose of Valium for the benzo detox, and days are up and down -- which I expect. Still lacking motivation to do any school work. We'll see how that changes once I move back to PA tonight following this little fall break and get back into the classroom and converse with the professors, etc. I haven't been in class in weeks because of this. Stimulants -- what a mess! (In my case).

Thanks, Justin...I am trying. Bit by bit. Still lacking motivation on the two midterms i have to make up, the readings, quizzes, and 4-7 essays I've missed. Feeling like there is no one to talk to about this who gets it. Benzo withdrawal + Adderall Withdrawal + abundance of school work (it took me all day to read, process and write 3 pages on an 8 page document. the result was pretty decent, but I have two months, not two years here...on the adderall + klonopin, I'd have 10 pages written by now --7 of which would have probably been intelligent sounding nonsense, but still...) Logically, it would make sense to lift the stress of the semester off my shoulders and get through this. Reasonably, the teachers are very graceful thus far. But I don't know if I can do this. And losing $15,000 and living with my parents for the next few months seems just about as stressful.... I am really interested in what all of you have to say here...I am about 95% certain that I am going to call my doctor tomorrow, set up an appointment for Thursday, and tell her that I need to go back on a low dose of Klonopin and perhaps Vyvanse (or even Adderall) until I have a stress-free period to come off of this, which would either be taking the spring semester off, or staying on the medication until May 2014. <---that, to my re-wiring brain seems logical. I do not want to make the wrong decision. Sorry if I sound desperate or just complaining....but, I am. Thanks.

Where do you meet in Princeton? NA/AA, the 24-Club? We've probably bumped in to each other at some point. I'm from South Brunswick, spent a lot of time in Princeton.

He can't refill it over the phone or if it's 2-3 days early. Harsh restrictions on Adderall -- especially with particular doctors, pharmacies and insurance companies. In most countries it's illegal -- Adderall is in the same category as illicit, non-medical drugs like heroin and LSD. How early are you asking the doctor? Or is it just over the phone? If it's early, he/she most likely (about 98.7%) thinks you're abusing it, and because withdrawal is not life-threatening (other than wanting to kill yourself here and there), they won't care and will refuse to refill it. And the more this happens, the more likely they will permanently stop prescribing it--or any controlled substance--to you. If it's just a phone thing, you'll have to go see them in person to obtain a physical script. If it's early or whatever, explain the situation, but be honest. Psychiatrists are trained to evaluate body language and speech to determine symptoms (including drug-seeking behavior). Prayers with you, friend. I understand, for the most part, how you feel. Keep us updated.

For those of you that do not know my "story," here are some key points before I get into the topic at hand: 13 years of solid, illicit chemical addiction (ages 16-29) -- First to hallucinogens, then to prescription pills 1 and 1/2 years entirely sober, eating healthy, running up to 30miles/week getting sun -- all around joyful. Went back to college August 2012 (13 mo. sober). Started taking medications for panic attacks (Klonopin) Eventually wound up on Klonopin, Adderall, Soma, and Ambien. Stayed on the first two for about a year (binging on Adderall), the other two for about 6 months (binging on both) *Keep in mind, all but the Adderall destroy your memory. October 1, 2013, knew it was time to get off the meds. October 2, 2013, accidental overdose. From the ER to a 4 day detox. All meds tossed, released because my vital signs were "okay". The night I got home, the benzo withdrawal really kicked in, felt like I was dying. Talked to doctor, currently on a slow taper. No longer feel like I am dying. Contemplated withdrawing from the semester because I fell way behind and believed I needed further treatment. Unfortunately, no treatment facilities do slow benzo withdrawal's while "treating" me. So, I got stuck. Decided to attempt to finish the semester as opposed to losing $15,000 and/or getting all F's, lowering my GPA from a 3.97 to, what....a 1.75? All professors are on board with allowing my me to make up the work (medical documents help). The only "non-negotiable" factor is I must attend 70% of all of my classes. So here I am on "fall break" until wednesday. A couple of my teachers gave me some assignments to begin working on making up. Now I thought things were under control with the benzo thing and the Adderall out of my system, but as I sit here trying to unpack and write about the autobiography of Malcolm X and ancient texts like Gilgamesh, The Odyssey and Confessions I am having an EXTREMELY difficult time finding the motivation to do so. And when I do, I can only do a tiny bit at a time or I feel like my head is going to explode due to the way my brain is slowly processing the information. Fortunately I am only taking 12 credits, but it still seems like a lot...not only continuing on with current assignments, but making up half a semester's worth also. I...need...help. Practical advice? Despite obvious evidence that Adderall nearly destroyed everything I worked so hard to build up, I was (and still am), insanely considering going to my primary doctor and asking for another medication in the same class (stimulants), but at a lower dose. Thanks, Overwhelmed.

First, I read through all of your stories. The ups and downs of Adderall. Know that I am with all of you on that. I pray for wisdom to make the right choices for you regarding what is best for your health. I haven't been heavy on responses or getting too involved here yet because I'm still working through some of these issues. So know that my prayers and love are with all of you, and once I overcome all of this, I hope I will be of service to this community as I know how important a forum like this is. Update: I know this is an Adderall forum and I have addressed multiple issues, including a variety of medications as well as my personal beliefs on spirituality and psychiatry. For that, I will not apologize; however, if it has caused anyone to be turned off or question their particular situation, know that was not my intention. --Remember, I'm coming off of a lot of crazy medications. I'm not entirely sane just yet. My primary care doctor has put me on a slow benzodiazepine withdrawal tapering schedule. Which is currently working well. I am slowly removing the Klonopin (a highly potent benzo with a long-life) to Valium (a low potent benzo with an extremely long half life). I'm almost transitioned to the valium, and from there we'll take it down a notch by the week. Good thing is, the doctor is extremely compassionate and understanding and willing to go as slow as I require. Bless her. Unfortunately, this leaves me in limbo here at school. There are no inpatient programs that do slow benzo tapering as well as treatment of underlying issues. And Adderall and I kind of made a mess of the semester over the last month and a half. So, in some aspects I have absolutely no clue what direction I am heading in. But...I'm at peace. Getting off that adderall was a MAJOR weight lifted off my shoulders, and my health is decent enough for me to salvage the semester. All of my professors seem to be willing to work with me in order to get the credits for what I've paid for. So, hopefully the A work I've done up until this point won't go to waste. I am highly considering staying to complete the semester, however a bit worried that it may be pretty stressful. The amount of make up work has already made me crave Adderall! :-O But I won't go there. And who knows how bad this benzo withdrawal will be in the coming weeks. I do not expect it to be a cake walk -- both the detox and the adjustment to schoolwork while detoxing and not having Adderall. Any insight is appreciated. Blessings to you all. I will keep you posted, and look forward to all of the success stories in the future. Praying this will one day help someone. P.S.: I am eating again. And, I'm not staying up for 3 days straight. Also, my depression has nearly diminished. Adderall users and abusers who are quitting, HOLD ON and keep moving forward. It is worth it.

Thank you. That benzo withdrawal caught up to me. These detox/rehab centers that charge insurance/patients $500 a day to give them a few low doses of librium and then sends them into the world after "the 4-day protocol" should be cracked down on. They were flipping beds like burgers; meanwhile I'm at home experiencing what my research showed to be all of the first signs of death. Total failure in the medical field. And apparently an underground issue that has yet to reach the surface. That big dollar sign rules this country. I went over the paperwork, and nowhere in the list of papers I signed did it say they would keep my pills when I left...and the nurses were acting a little giddy the next day too...hmm. Looking into a lawsuit, or at least doing all I can to expose these places. Thank God my pharmacist worked with me today, and my doctor will help me do this slowly, if at all. Still doesn't change the fact that the Adderall abuse wrecked my semester and almost my reputation on campus entirely. At least that's gone and I feel fine now as far as withdrawal and cravings. *Noticing my shit syntax in writing since I kicked the Adderall though. I'm sloppy.

Just got out of detox. Paid them all the cash I had on me to do what I could not do for myself -- flush the pills (ALL the pills) and prevent me from having a seizure in a less stressful environment. It was (and still is) a horrible experience to go through...brain re-wiring; however, necessary in order to move forward. For me the benzo withdrawal is outweighing the Adderall withdrawal ten fold, but that sense of depression still creeps in. You know, the one where the fetal position is all you know.... Next step, medical leave and back to the program to work out WHY I keep running to pills when anxiety gets the best of me. It's a heart issue, and the psychiatric game is a brain thing. I'm not schizophrenic, I don't have ADD, my anxiety is real, but I'm not interested in medication because I know the other side of this can be beautiful! 1Bad, it's called America's Keswick Colony of Mercy. There's only one, in NJ. I would highly recommend it. Oh, and all of this came at a price. I overdosed and wound up in the ER right before I was scheduled to meet with the provost of the school. Perfect timing, huh? Always.

PS: That whole Christian school thing, yeah, I forgot to mention that I got clean from everything at a Christian rehab from 2011-2012. I wasn't really a Christian when I entered, but cannot deny some amazing, supernatural things that happened to me while I was there, and I did leave with joy. But talk about culture shock. Didn't help to jump into that so quickly. A 30 year old ex-addict living on campus at a private Christian school with a new found faith and a million questions about it, and about 1-2 people to talk to (that do not live there) who "get it". Support, both individual and group is vital, and hard to find there. Something to consider....

Thanks again guys. As it turns out, I've decided to (with the help of wise counsel) to take the weekend to pray and reflect on everything for a few reasons: 1) For the first time since all of this, everyone knows everything, including my entire past (both doctors, counselor, mentor, dean, etc) and this has led to an extremely freeing feeling. I do not like to go on "feelings," that's always been my problem. But letting go and support has been helpful, and I now have accountability with everyone including Adderall being dispensed meds being dispensed, --Issue with this: I do not know if the peace I have experienced is coming from that, or knowing that I set a goal and believe it to be the right thing to do. So I've been functioning better, making me question what to do now. 2) This, as much as I would like it to be, would not be a 2-3 week thing. Going back into the semester and having to catch up AND keep up with current work could be a total setup for failure. Therefore, I'm considering not putting a time limit on it (detox), starting with a clean slate from all drugs, and looking into withdrawing from the semester entirely while I detox and seek aftercare. I know of a two-month grad-relapse program that's had great results. It's in the works, and I'll know more by Monday. This could put me in a better spot for re-entering school (or where ever God leads; because honestly, I go to a Christian school with very few majors. I wanted to help others by pursuing a Masters in counseling, but there's just too much theology involved and that is not my passion. Music mixing, engineering and editing is my passion.) 3) Loss of money. I would now only get 25% back unless I came back in 2-3 weeks. Also, my mentor is an amazing man, strong Christian; however, he believes that there really is no place for psychotropic drugs. I asked him (referring to my new accountability system) "don't you believe that if there is a balance, and things are done appropriately and right, there is a place for people who need psychotropic drugs?" He felt I was asking the wrong question. Rather, I should be asking, can I live without these drugs or am I just trying to make myself feel better. (Feelings!). My other spiritual director, who is a pastor and my teacher not only believes there is a place for psychotropic medications, but is on them (Paxil and Xanax as needed; his son is on Adderall). *Interesting side note....in my encounters with all of the staff at this Christian school where they opened up to me, I was surprisingly amazed at how many of the staff (deans, doctors, professors, etc., are on psychotropic meds -- including Amphetamines). So I am really interested in your insights as I make an extremely difficult decision this weekend. Thanks. Love and blessings.

Thank you guys. I spent the day seeking the best option, and after reflecting and talking with mentors and deans and my professors, I have decided to enter a detox center nearby tomorrow evening. If I am able to detox and feel comfortable returning after a few weeks, the professor's are willing to allow for this medical leave and see to it that I am still able to pass and do well. If other issues arise at the place, I'll take it step by step. And if it seems like returning to school with a boatload of makeup work to do right after exiting the detox feels like a setup for failure, I will probably have to take the semester off. From there, only God knows. I look forward to keeping you posted and hearing all of your success stories as well. Thanks. Love you guys!

I've been on 40mg of Adderall IR for exactly one year now. Well, that's been the prescribed dose for the majority. It has become evident that the way it is effecting my brain is a problem. The pro's are there, but the con's outweigh them at this point. Here's the problem: I'm 31, and after 13 years of addiction and 13 months in rehab, the door to college miraculously opened up. Things were going well for awhile, then I began having panic attacks and went back on benzo's (Klonopin 3mg/day). I do have anxiety, and take the benzo's therapeutically, not recreationally. It wasn't long, however, that I started seeing a different doctor who started me on Adderall. While this was never my drug of choice, I'm not an idiot, and knew that taking this was most likely a bad idea that would result in the problems I am having today. Still, I took it. And it helped. I wouldn't even say that I have ADD, maybe a little, but the combination of these two drugs dose wonders for my depression and anxiety issues (for awhile....) Before I knew it, the dark hole of despair that took me 13 months to come out of crept back into my life. Amazing how a dorm room can feel like a prison cell.... Now I'm prescribed Adderall 40mg IR, Klonopin 3mg, Soma 350mg (for chronic tension headaches), Ambien 10mg and just recently Zoloft was added to the mix to "treat the underlying problem of depression". No, lady, the crash from Adderall and perhaps the long-term use of Klonopin makes me depressed. So somehow, I wound up back in a cluster of psychotropic medications -- while in college -- not knowing how or where to begin stopping. Last semester was difficult, but by binging on Adderall's, I managed to make the dean's list again. In the end, I felt like Rocky after a good beating. I went into the summer hoping to stop then. I couldn't. I started a job here at school. The problem is I never learned how to relate to human beings post-addiction, now I'm in school, which is quite the place to re-learn how to live. I went into this semester and have written some amazing stuff, but only on Adderall binge's. When I don't take the drug, I can't leave my room. I am in the fetal position and refuse to eat or go to class because my anxiety is so high and my depression peaks wanting to die. On top of all of this, 8 of my friends, including one of my best friends have died this year from drug overdoses and my mentor is currently dying. So this is where I am at. I finally have one doctor and one therapist on the same page with the ultimate goal of getting off all meds. Still, I cannot control my Adderall use, and it seems to be the only thing to help my depression and help me socially. I have no problem giving it to the nurse to dispense, but I still worry. This is KILLING ME! ......I need this to end, but I'm in college. I have 4 papers due next week, and really I just wanna throw in the towel and do nothing, despite the fact that I'm generally an A student (even without the Adderall...actually, I was much more focused on my work before I started it). So any advice on what to do here? I'm thinking about entering an inpatient place for a few weeks, come back to school and take it from there. Soma's and Ambien's I have no problem stopping. Actually, I already have stopped. Klonopin, I'll deal with later....Benzo detox is hell, so I'll do that on an outpatient basis. Any advice, ideas, opinions, suggestions, encouragements, really appreciated.