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About Kev9765

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  • Birthday 09/07/1979

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  1. Tempted to start up again

    I haven't taken Addy in about 6 months or so. I am feeling very tempted to go get a script & start up again. I'm having trouble focusing & getting motivated to write which isn't good bc I'm a writer. I feel like I'm missing out on life and not accomplishing what I should be. Life is also boring without addy. There's very little emotion or passion. Since I abused it in the past I would hope I would be smarter this time and never take more than 20-30 mg on any given day. Idk... This is just how in feeling now. Take care, everyone!
  2. That adderall crash

    I take nanovaper for a pre workout supplement. It gives me a lot of energy and helps with my workouts; I never had a problem. I remember adderall crashes. It was the worst depression imaginable and I always got them around the same time - between 9-10 pm. At least this proves that I was taking adderall at the times it was prescribed. I guess a 20 mg tablet at 8 am, 12 pm, & 4 pm = debilitating depressive amphetamine crash by 10 pm. Makes a lot of sense now. I can't believe it didn't make sense then.
  3. Prior to Adderall I wrote & completed 5 screenplays. I co-wrote one of them with a top LA script consultant. On Adderall, I probably started close to 50 screenplays, but never finished or even came close to finishing any of them. I also started writing a book that I thought was going to be - the greatest book EVER! Never finished it and it ended up being hundreds and hundreds of pages of a delusional mess, it didn't make much sense, lots of ten syllable words... Any agent or publisher that would've read it would have said, "what asshole wrote this?" Or maybe, "I don't read the work of people that write when they're high on Adderall."
  4. Adderall social hierarchy?

    Yes! Everything everyone mentioned. I was manic for about 2 straight yrs (at least for the first half of the day). I would ramble on and on and thought I was an expert on every topic & subject. I thought I so much smarter, more articulate, more creative, more attractive, etc. than everyone else. I was manipulative, selfish, entitled, etc. This isn't the "real" me at all. Agree w/ Krax & Cassie 100% about the annoying part. I was annoying as hell & feel bad for people that had to deal with me on a regular basis . @Ashley6 - reading your comment, "I was in my own world most of the time. Adderall created a personality that was NOT me. It was strange and fake." This sums it up for me perfectly.
  5. Congrats, AlwaysAwesome! Just kidding, but thanks for playing! If you hit 135,000 mg's in only 6 1/2 yrs at 60 mg a day, which is a high average, but not ridiculously high, I bet there are a few people that have hit the 1 million mg's mark. Just a thought! Take care
  6. Does anyone live close to Bethlehem in northeastern PA?
  7. I just posted a pretty serious comment on the discussion board regarding Adderall/Klonopin Combo. I thought I'd post something lighter. So this is the game (it's not really a game & if it was, you probably wouldn't want to be the winner it's just a question; something stupid to do if you're bored: If you had to estimate, how many mg's of Adderall do you think you took in your lifetime (IR & XR)? You have to try to remember the strength of the daily dose you took and for how many months or years you took it for? If you had an increase, how many months or years you were on your new daily dosage? If you took it sporadically for months or years, what do you think your daily average was? Obviously, there is no way to be accurate, just attempt to get somewhat close (You don't have to show the time periods or math or how you figured it out, but I will For me: 3 months - 5 mg daily 3 months - 10 mg daily 6 months - 20 mg daily 1 year - 40 mg daily 2.5 years - 60 mg daily 1 year - took sporadically (many attempts to quit, able to quit for months) - 20 mg daily average 5 mg x's 91 days (3 months) = 455 mg's 10 mg x's 91 days (3 months) = 910 mg's 20 mg x's 182 days (6 months) = 3,640 mg's 40 mg's x's 365 days (1 year) = 14,600 mg's 60 mg's x's 912 days (2.5 years) = 54,720 mg's 20 mg's x's 365 days (1 year) = 7,300 mg's 455 + 910 + 3,600 + 14,640 + 54,720 + 7,300 = 81,625 My estimation is that I took 81,625 mg's of Adderall in my life. Wow! And there was never even a reason to take 1 mg of this. I'm sure this is off (too high or too low), but my number is - 81,625 (I didn't hit the 100 grand & hopefully never will). What's your number? Take care, everyone!!!
  8. I now know that I can defeat Adderall. I went over 3 months without taking it after swallowing pills nonstop for about 4 1/2 years. However, like I'm sure many of you, I was also poisoned with Klonopin (I understand that this may be something that would better be posted on benzo buddies; I'm going to join that site also). To me, Adderall was the most psychologically addictive drug imaginable. I'm finding out now that Klonopin is the most physically addictive drug imaginable. Tapering off of Klonopin has been hell. I've had depersonalization, confusion, headaches, anxiety, paranoia, irritability, nausea, etc. It's been worse than Adderall. A couple of weeks ago, I took an Adderall pill for the first time in months. I had a little bit of cravings for it, but I mainly took it because I thought that it would help me during my benzo tapering. I'm down to I mg of Klonopin a day after taking 3-4 mg for 5-plus years. For a few weeks, I've taken Adderall, not every day, and only between 5-15 mg's a day. I actually don't feel addicted to it and I don't feel the need to take 50-60 mg a day like I used to. I don't even consider this a setback for me. I consider it a slight aid to help wean off Klonopin. I understand there are probably much better aids. Thoughts? Again, only Klonopin/Adderall users can really understand this combo. Probably going to join benzo buddies. One more thing - after speaking with psychiatrists, physician assistants, and nurse practitioners, I am now 100% convinced these doctors, in general, are useless. It's mind boggling how ignorant, clueless, and stupid these doctors are; they think they're geniuses and they know nothing. The mental health system in the US is a complete joke. The pharmaceutical industry, the FDA, psychiatry, drug companies, the government = evil, corruption, the downfall of our country. I got off Effexor, Ambien, I proved that I can stay away from Adderall, and I'm weaning myself down on Klonopin. Once I'm completely off, I'm never going step foot in a doctor's office again (5-6 yrs ago, if I would've started buying weed and coke on the street instead of seeing a doctor and being prescribed Adderall and Klonopin I'd probably be in a better psychological state of mind today). Take care, everyone!!!
  9. SOOO Bored

    I've been off adderall for about 3 months after 4 - 4 1/2 yrs of abuse/addiction. I'm proud of myself & it's great not having to deal with the crashes, the depression, the paranoia, the insomnia, the OCD, the irritability, the erratic thinking, the confusion, etc., etc., etc. That being said, I can't remember being so bored in my entire life. I definitely don't remember being this bored before being introduced to adderall. And I'm busy and doing things that I've always had a passion for. I started writing screenplays & short stories again, I'm playing my guitar, I'm back into strength training, I got a new job that I'm doing great with, and I started dating my ex who I left when I was in my adderall-induced manic grandiose narcissistic super-asshole state of mind; I've wanted her back for a year and she forgave me & is giving me another chance. I should be ecstatic about life, but I'm just bored... all the time. I'm bored when I go to the bar w/ my buddies; I'm bored during sex (don't tell my ex:), I'm bored when I go to the movies; with everything. I should be thrilled that I'm out of adderall hell that nearly completely destroyed my life. I know I sound ungrateful, but I can't help it, I'm like, "what is the point of life?" Is this normal for someone who's been off adderall for this amount of time or is there just something wrong with me? Take care, everyone!
  10. Anyone ever heard of depersonalization??

    To answer your question, yes, I've heard of depersonalization disorder and I have it, but my symptoms are lessoning. When I had it really bad, my head was always foggy, I felt like I was in a dream-like state, and I felt like I had a detachment from my body. It's listed under dissociative disorders, but it's really an anxiety disorder, and many times it's caused by amphetamine use/abuse. It can also be caused by benzos, alcohol, weed or just having a lot of stress or paranoia. I think got it from a combination of Adderall, Klonopin, and anxiety. I thought I only had it for a few weeks or maybe a month, but now I think I had it for well over a year because when I take Adderall, I have depersonalization, but I don't notice because to the Addy high or the Addy comedown. But now that I've been off Addy for over a month, I notice it. I'm still struggling to get off benzos. My depersonalization has been getting better. I still have it, but it's not as severe and its not constant. The worst thing you can do is stay in the house and not go out or do anything bc you're paranoid about the disorder. Also, just accepting that you have the disorder helps; don't fight it; try not to care at all. When you do this, you forget about it, then when youfeel symptoms, you think, "I haven't felt depersonalization for 4 or 5 hours, it's usually continuous." Also, try not to drink or at least limit caffeine; this is hard for me. I also heard that eating lean protein during every meal will help. Good luck with Depersonalization disorder, it really does suck. Good luck getting off the Addy's, also. Also, and I think this goes along with what Perullo said, if you spend the day searching the internet and watching YouTube trying to figure out what illness you have and listening to everyone talk about how they got better or tried to get better but failed, you'll just keep going in circles; it'll be a vicious cycle and you won't heal. I was very guilty of this for a long time; still can be occasionally, but cut way back. So to answer, if you think you have depersonalization disorder, you definitely do, but it's temporary. Accept you have it for now and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You'll get relief from the symptoms quickly. They'll probably come back for periods of time for a little while, but just stick to not caring or worrying. Take care!
  11. One Month!

    I want to keep this one brief b/c of all the rambling from my previous posts. Today, I have gone one month without taking Adderall & I feel great! I've been on Adderall for 4 1/2 - 5 years & this is the first time I made a month. Before this, 19 days was my record. God Bless!
  12. I was wondering if this is true of anyone else that came to this site to try to quit Adderall: You really want to quit, you know you have to quit, Adderall has ruined just about everything in your life, you know that no good can come from staying on this pill, you're REALLY determined to quit. However, deep down or in the back of your head, regardless of what you tell everyone on this site or what you tell your family and friends or even what you tell yourself, you're still just 99% sure you want to quit. There's 1% of you that doesn't want to quit or wants to quit for weeks or months, then start up again. Or there's 1% of you that desperately wants to get off, but then thinks that it probably wouldn't hurt to pop a pill once a month (even though you know, if you pop one pill, it will lead to numerous pills over many months before you can quit again). You don't tell anyone about that 1%, you even try to hide that 1% from yourself, you pretend it's not there. Or maybe the 1% is just doubt in yourself, knowing that at one point in your life, you don’t know when or where, you'll be tempted to pop an Adderall and you know there's a high probably that you will. For a very personal reason, that 99% just moved to 100% for me! I'm really happy & relieved, but a little fearful. This is something I wanted to share. Thanks!
  13. Desperate to get off Addy

    Thanks for responding, Justin! I guess when you write and ramble on and on and aren't even making a whole lot of sense you're not going to get responses. I know you're right about manning up and quitting this crap. And yes, crap would be a good word to use to describe Adderall. I'm going to give it my best shot and see how it goes. Thanks again, man! Have a good one!
  14. 10 days gone to waste

    Thanks for everyone's advice. I didn't mention that I have a job, working with a lot of people. I'm out in the public and over a hundred people see me everyday. I can't hide from people at work. I really don't think I can quit Adderall at this job. During the 10 days I was Adderall free, I overheard people talking about me, asking what was wrong with me. Someone said I looked lost. I've already burned by bridge with the agency already when I was out on leave for 6 weeks. It wasn't even so much that I was out on leave, it was how unprofessional I was before I left and during the leave. They let me come back, but many co-workers don't talk to me and want nothing to do with me b/c of how I screwed them over.... b/c of Addy. Btw - I was fantastic at this job. I was promoted twice in less than six months and was on my way to being one of the top administrators. That's why they let me come back. But because of Addy, I couldn't perform at work, had deep depressions, didn't communicate, acted very unprofessional, and now, I really don't think many people at the agency want me there, even in a lower position. (and I don't blame them). They think it's dangerous for me to be there.
  15. clean 16 gr8 days Relapsed

    Sorry Ally, I'm new to trying to quit Addy, and had my first relapse. I don't know how much my advice would help, but maybe try to not think of it like 2 years or even 16 days is wasted, and just follow whatever routine you used before you took the pills. Maybe we all get too caught up in counting how many days we've been free from Addy. If we don't count, maybe we wouldn't think about it as often. That being said, I went 10 days without taking it and being addicted for about four and a half years. Relapsed on Monday, took one 20 mg, and now I'm doing 60 mg again. Good luck!