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ItsTIME

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ItsTIME last won the day on August 7 2015

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  1. Awesome! I know day 18 (i hit 18 today!) seems like an eternity away... but it WILL come. It WILL get here... and then the march continues to a better you. And you are certainly NOT alone. Congrats!
  2. Day 18 peoples! Thanks for the workout tips! Hope everyone is having a great week so far. After the first couple weeks of sleeping and stuffing my face... I have switched gears. Eating my whole fit foods meal plan every day, vitamins, and just started this ridiculously hard combat swim/cross training 4 week boot camp dealio. I swear I almost died yesterday during day 1. Hardest workout of my life. But I didnt, i lived... and I am going back for more pain on Wed. I am NOT going to quit this like i have most everything else in my life lol. Feeling lonely and missing my ex today. But I dove back into work last week and I killed it. In fact, I am #8 out of 65 reps in the company now after a huge surge. Going strong on all fronts. But the lonliness and not having a family at my age is a struggle and I am learning to view this failure of past relationships I sabatoged with drugs and alchohol, and TRYING and spin it into a positive. Its a mental battle but I am FORCING myself to do what I know is going to make me a better man if I just stick with it. Just stick with it.
  3. Day 7 is here. ZERO intentions of ever taking again. I did the bare min at work this week. Ate my face off and slept a ton and watched endless netflix. That luxury is going away though. Im too old to fuck around with work much longer... But I will say, despite the fog and what feels like my head is in a vice grip at times.... there are certain moments of pure CLARITY that I am clinging to. That is where I am headed. And if feels fucking good man.
  4. Its been confirmed. 1 week (thats 7 days) since I popped an addy. Thanks and 10-4 copy that grumpycat!
  5. Appreciate that! 20 months later... umph. Imagine if I'd just stuck with it. Which is my motivation. 20 months from now it will be soon enough again.
  6. Few to add: Sherlock - BBC show is absolutely awesome! Luther -Also a BBC crime drama and very good. Happy Valley - Another BBC (see a theme?) great show seen only mentioned once in here. Start with Sherlock, you won't be dissapointed. They are like little mini movies.
  7. Welp. Funny thing is I am back to day 5.... 20 months(ish) later. I guess I got to a point where I felt that it was the loss of the relationship at the time that was the problem not the addys, and that I could control it. I did cut my dosage in half at some point and I got down to 10mg IR a day and been at 10 mgs for quite some time. I have been taking addys for 7 years now (many different levels of doses and types) and the time has come. For good. I called my doc this time for real. I told a couple family members (they had no clue) to give myself some accountability as well. I feel kind of "unworthy" to post since I have only been taking 10 mgs, but my hope is this process will be easier because I have been. Despite the low dosage, the past few days have been about netflix, eating, and sleeping. Today its about getting back into work, backinto crossfit, and simply DOING. I am very excited at the prospect of a clear mind again... I am already a bit temperamental, so these pills have only enhanced that part of me... agitation, jealousy, overthinking, etc... getting stuck in my own head. Onward and upward people!
  8. Well hello day 5. Its been a draining week. Hoping at some point I get some energy back. Taking vitamins, L-Tyrinise or whatever its called,etc. Just poured another cup of joe. I think I am in a good solid state of mind, but my worry now is about the ability to regain some sort of a solid work day again. I am a bit lazy by nature already and in the sales game there its about hustle and bustle. I guess there is no choice but to simply get up, and do it up. Just. Do. It . Each day until it becomes a habit, or second nature. Going to start exercising/working out in the morning next week to help with this part. Thinking about shopping around for a new bike to ride and try that as a hobby, plenty of good trails around me to explore. Hope everyone is good!
  9. I appreciate you sharing your story FALCON. I know it has not been easy for you and it means a lot you looking out for me. It does hit home saying I can admit I felt like I had everything managed to a point where I could keep living as such and still get everything I wanted. Maybe if I just "fooled" a girl I cared about into marrying me or something then at THAT point she would be "locked" in and I could continue secretly living in my fog fooling everyone and I win. Nonsense. Clearly that was never going to happen. I do get these brief moments of relief and happiness as I am really excited at the prospects of connecting with everyone on a natural level again. That this is the only way, and I am heading there right now. I am doing this. Maybe its the rain, but today is a BITCH. Guess I gotta go kill some fuckers in Battlefield 4. haha
  10. Man. That kind of loosened that noose I have been wearing around reading that. It gives all the power back to ME. I AM IN CONTROL.
  11. Thanks bro... yea, I kinda feel like I am some emotional woman right now especially reading back on my posts lol. Its like WTF, man up! Just scored BF4 on xbox and that and Netflix will be definitely on my agenda for a bit along with those articles.
  12. Uh oh... lol. Give it to me straight man.
  13. No need to apologize migo. A swift kick in the ass at times is exactly what I need, and wont take it personally especially when I know there are nothing but the best of intentions coming from the support of you gents. Its kind of takes me back a bit when you bring up the calling of the doc. I mean who cuts their own umbilical cord?? =) But I will be doing that today. Speaking of today. Man I am a lazy POS. Its raining outside (kinda liking that part) and I have no motivation to do much of anything other than to lounge around the house. That's ok, I am kind of embracing that and putting work on the side for a minute. However, I just cant afford to do it for very long. I have a chance to have a career year if I finish strong these next 6 months. What a time to make this change huh? lol So when do I start to feel that rush to go and work out and get healthy? ugh.
  14. Hey Jon, Thank you for your support and the time to respond, and being rather blunt about it lol. =) I won't lie to you and say she wasn't a big reason why I am here and still working through most likely false hope of reconciling. And deep down inside I know you are right about women, and that typically what's done is done and there is no turning back. Hell, she never even knew about the adderroll. But damn we had so much potential, and I know she saw it too. This only further deepens the struggle I am going through currently, another SELF INFLICTED wound that will have a hard time closing. But I know that also I will never become who I was truly meant to be if I continue to travel down this path taking speed on a daily basis when I have no flippen medical need to do so in the first place. How the hell does that make any sense??? I also can take solace in knowing that you are right and this is no time to try to rekindle or renew or even start a relationship during this time, and it would not be fair to her to drag her into this mess and further complicate her world. So maybe it was meant to be that this happened, as it has emboldened me to see this damn thing through. PERIOD. I wont risk another single day on adderrall when all its ever done for me in the end is cause me to lash out, dive into a terrible cycle of worry and paranoia, push people I care about away, and become emotionally immature when I have my own shit to work on already, *** The scary part is I do think about how much of it was me, and how much was it the adderrall? Guess I will find that out on my own in due time. Am I just kidding myself and BLAMING the adderrall? No stash to find. I guess I can call my doc to inform them of what I am doing and not to ever prescribe again? I have already told my two good buds who have adderall . One who needs it (who abuses), and the other who like me got it by faking into it... who might I add is taking my move in serious light reflective of his own future... who has had his own troubles in marriage and family due to his use. But I know not to push him and let him seek his own choices. Thanks again bud
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