January 6, 2014 - 9am
Maybe we’re all this way. I want to be better looking. Smart but want to be smarter. Productive but would really like to be moreso. I recently took a new job in a new industry that I was technically unqualified for. Having these very human desires to always want to be better, it was only natural that I would convince my doctor to put me back on Adderall. I got back on, and basically daily, popped a 10mg XR… since nearly six months ago. In that time, a lot of great things have happened. But as an addict, a lot of shitty, rather unseen things, have accompanied this success. Naturally, constantly being on Adderall, my work is well. The issue comes on Saturday and Sunday when I don’t have any work to do, yet if I don’t take the pill, I’m starting at like negative good feeling for the day when I wake up. Regardless of whether or not I drank the night before, but definitely the shitty feeling is amplified by a hangover. So I pop another. And my day generally goes fine. The only problem, which is easy to bury at first because of the nice buzz, is…
where am I?
I don’t feel natural feelings. I don’t empathize other than logically. My thank yous and sorrys and personal inquiries are planned, not feeling genuine. And at the end of the day, I need a drink or a weed smoke just to kick back and relax.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think this was going to happen. I’ve been on Adderall before… but I so seriously didn’t want to let down my new boss and the friends who referred me to the new job, that I just said “f*** it. this is for the better.†And ultimately, I think that it may have been for the better. I’ve got a lot of people convinced that I am one witty smart mofo. And I may be without the addy too, but at this point I don’t know who that person is, it’s been six months since I’ve been that guy.
Anyway. Today is the day I’m getting off the rocket fuel. I just can’t handle putting productivity and hyper focus (not to mention terrible sleep) ahead of regular interactions, genuine feelings, and being a human being. There’s always a reason not to quit. My current reason is that I have a four day long work meeting coming up next week. And I want to go into it doing very well. So I will do my best, and that will have to be good enough.
It’s not like they’re going to fire me for doing my best.
In the meantime, daily exercise, eating right, and daily meditation are going to have to suffice for the constant adderall then drinks then some weed, then a sleeping pill daily routine that has been making me look and feel haggard.
I’ve not hit "rock bottom," I just don’t want to... so "stop digging" I think they say.
Dear God, help me be successful in this endeavor. Help me remember there is so much more to life than being high on crack at work. Because that’s basically what it is. Some legal form of crack... at least that's what it feels like to me. Any support from any of you is greatly appreciated during this tough time. I will post daily or close to it about how it's going. Thanks for reading.